Thursday, September 30, 2010

Walking with Brokenness

As I was sorting through my funk a couple weeks ago, one of the questions that I kept focusing on was "is it fair, or even possible, to pursue the calling that I believe God has on my life while my wife deals with her brokenness - and I deal with mine for that matter?" Questions like that one make the destination so much further away and unachievable. Like trying to navigate a boat in a dense fog. Which way do you go? There is light out there, but it is so hard to see.

With that rolling around in my head, the funk go more and more.

Then, during some time with God, this thought flashed through my head...where was Peter's wife?

When you read the accounts of Jesus healing Peter's mother-in-law, Peter's wife is not mentioned at all. Does that seem curious to anyone else? There is no description of her worry for her mother's fever, no asking Jesus to heal her, no expression of thankfulness after the healing, and even more - mother-in-law began to wait on Jesus - again no mention of Peter's wife in all this.

Of course, there is probably some great reason for this, but maybe there is some back story here that we don't know or expect because we sometimes take the skin and humanity off of our Bible characters. Maybe Peter's wife resented Jesus. After all Peter just up and left his job one day to follow Jesus around the countryside. I'm sure food still needed to be put on the table and there were the proverbial bills to pay. Maybe she resented Peter for following Jesus. Now more household responsibility fell on her and she just couldn't take being around when the two of them came over. But, it really seems to me a stretch to think she would not be home with a sick mom laying in the house. Or maybe she didn't believe. Peter was being gullible. Other 'messiahs' had come and gone and left nothing but trouble. Maybe this miracle was for her so she'd believe that Jesus was different.

I wonder (of course assuming any of this has root in truth) how Peter would handle this situation. Was he frustrated with his wife's lack of faith? Did he feel torn? Was he tempted to not follow? Can you imagine the tragedy that would be, not living out his calling from Christ? Yet, history tells us that Peter's wife went to Rome to die with him. Apparently, Peter's obedience in responding to Christ's call got her to follow as well.

When confronted with such a situation, wouldn't it be easier to try to wiggle out like Adam - "Hey God, everything here was cool until you sent the woman to get us into the pile of trouble." Peter, or anyone else struggling with marriage difficulties, could cite a similar statement to justify disobedience.

Truth is, my wife and I are both broken followers of Christ. Aren't we all? Somehow, at times, I get it into my head that she needs to achieve a certain measure of wholeness before it will be possible to pursue my call. Sometimes I wonder if God didn't make a mistake, and ask is it even fair of me to follow Jesus around the countryside at all. For her, doesn't that just make overcoming brokenness that much harder?

But God keeps beckoning. I have to follow his call, it's who I am. The truth is that brokenness is not the problem. Not mine. Not my wife's. God knew before calling us and continues to expect that we are broken. It's part of the deal with being a human living in a fallen world. Being wounded is not the concern, God can and will use that. But are we actively living the the power of Christ to make steps toward overcoming the brokenness. That is trust and faithfulness. He'll control the outcome, we control our next step.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Still Cookin'

It's been a couple weeks since I've posted. The university at which I teach runs on a monthly schedule. Students take one class for 12 hours a week. For the next couple months I am teaching both a day class and a night class. Makes doing much of anything else on those days very hard. So, I've lapsed on my blogging. No shortage of ideas. Just time. Always time.

So I sit this morning at my favorite morning place with my computer along for the ride, having a bagel and recovering from the last two days. In the previous 48 hours I have worked 26 of those and when you throw in the commute, that bumps it up to 30. Not complaining or asking for sympathy, just explaining my absence.

Truth is, though, that I've been in a funk for the last couple weeks also. I tend to be optimistic, jovial and full of energy, so I do not like being in a funk. And that just makes it all the worse. Like an emotional toilet flush.

For me it has been a tough couple weeks. When you just want to crawl away and hide that is never good. It's much worse when you are in the middle of several relational systems that you are trying to change and you are aware that your funk is not helping things progress at all...it almost makes you want to give up.

And I think at some point, thanks in part to Larry Crabb (imagine me saying 'Larry' like Jerry Seinfeld says 'Newman'), I think I identified the main source of the funk...I feel so disconnected. I am a people person and I'm in the desert. With good reason and by God's design right now, but that does not change how disconnected I feel.

I also want my life to matter. For God to be able to use me to change lives. That is what I was made to do and what I feel compelled to. The road back is slow, and long, and not at all straight. It's just taking more time that I had hoped. While you might say 'ministry is not limited to vocation', I do understand that and take advantage of the opportunities God's presents, nonetheless it remains true that a huge portion of my week is spent doing things that keep me from what God designed me to do.

Just to heap it on a little more, I like a plan. (Larry Crabb would describe me as a mix of a city builder and fire lighter. I want to be right and I want to be adequate. Thanks Laaaaarrrrryyyy.) Not only do I like a plan, I'd like a timeline and mile markers on the journey. Yet there is none. I don't know what steps to make on my own to achieve marital harmony or vocational ministry. I don't know how much longer I'll be in this holding pattern.

In fact, in some areas I feel life has actually regressed. That adds to my helpless frustration. Maybe regression is faulty perception from being in the middle of everything, or maybe that is just the discomfort of the system changing. I'm not sure. What I am aware of is making my own plan is yet another thing God is breaking me of.

So, not only am I in the desert (I keep wanting to type dessert and being in a big dessert actually sounds good right now) with very little connection so I will focus my connection on God, I am also in the dark so I cannot find my own way and have to trust God; the one who has me here.

It all comes back to trust, nice. Further vindication at the choice of blog name.

There you have it. My funk. It was bad. But I'm coming out of it. Time with God is amazing (unfortunately a funk makes pursuing that time a true battle). God is reminding me that He is doing a new thing. He is the one in charge and new things take time. Not necessarily what someone living in a microwave culture wants to hear. But meat cooked in a croc-pot is way, way, way better than meat cooked in a microwave.