Mama Mia

Recently I had cause to spend a significant amount of time with my mom. It was time well spent; I love my mom and haven't always taken the time to connect with her that I should have. Yet, some of the time was really rough because I am looking at our relationship through a lens that is coming more and more into focus. From being with her, I have developed a better understanding of who I am.

Now, I will preface the rest of this blog with the admission that I know that my mom did the best that she absolutely could in raising me. Really I have little to complain about. I was loved and provided for very well, but the reality is that who we are as people influences our parenting behaviors and hence affects our children. For better and for worse. It's happening in my household. Despite my best efforts, I am going to pass on some sort of damage to my daughter, who will thus have to allow Christ to walk with her and sort things out. Hopefully she'll tackle this a lot sooner than I have.

Which takes me to my mom. Not sure what it is about that generation, or at least those of that generation that I have come in contact with. They don't talk about their issues, you smooth over them or ignore them. I'm not exactly sure if it is because you are putting on your best face for all to see, or if it is from an attitude of you don't complain, just make the best of what you have. Either way, neither of my parents tend to talk about their crap. No counselor. No priest. No one. Mom may talk to relatives, but it is usually about what is wrong with others. Not a lot of self examination going on.

Case in point from our time together: mom was not included in a family photo opportunity on another trip and she felt slighted. When I asked if she had mentioned that she wanted to be in the photo her response was a stout "They should have known enough to ask." Yet, when planning a trip for later this year with some cousins and was subsequently confronted about not asking some others, her response was "I didn't leave you out, all you had to do was ask to join us."

And that is the way things roll. There is a constant need for my mother to be right, to sit on top. In almost any situation. To the point that she'll make up things that "they said" or that "she read", and she'll state things with such authority that it is possible she really believes it is true. If you confront her on the mistake, rarely will she just admit "oh, I didn't know that", she'll argue until the ship sinks.

Yet, what I've noticed in the life of my mother is that the ship sinking rarely happens. The people around her try hard not to upset her. At least that is true of me and my dad.

So the normal for the relationship has become to figure out how not to disturb the equilibrium - how to make sure she does not get upset. This is made all the more difficult because she will not tell you what she wants, you have to guess. A simple for instance, unloading the car I offered to take one of the bags mom was carrying. She replied "no, I'm fine". But in walking to the elevator, it was clear she was not fine. Problem was, I asked if she wanted help rather than just knowing. Her huffs and puffs made it clear I had done the wrong thing.

Now, if I wanted to tear my mom down, I could go on and on. Hurt is not my intent. Mom has just never confronted her pride. She's a middle child striving to be noticed. There is baggage that she carries that I do need to understand. My reasoning for telling you what I did is so you can see what I've learned about myself.

I am susceptible to feminine manipulation. Not so much from crowd-level relationships, but as relationships get closer it becomes more noticeable. I don't want to upset my mom. So, I guess it is 'normal' that this ingrained behavior became a long-standing element of my marriage as well. I've not wanted to upset my wife.

So my inclination is to respond to her distance by trying to pursue and make her happy. Then I respond to my wife's verbal barrages by doing what I can to placate her. Either way I feel invisible and unheard. Like a schoolboy being dismissed from the Principal's office. I became timid about the things I wanted to do. I've given up sports, regular nights out with the guys, and being out of the house too much. My efforts to shield my wife from being upset have led to an unhealthy arrangement where we are both always going in the same direction. My passivity has had the unintended impact of her becoming accustomed relief from emotional discomfort through my actions.

Even in the times where I have attempted to do my own thing and differentiate between us (pursuing vocational ministry for one), it has fallen flat and failed because of my passivity. I'd only go so for before her being upset was too much.

I'm reading the book Generation to Generation about family and church leadership systems, and I came across this sentence that has spoken to me in a rather profound way:

"Few of us are irreparably hurt by upset."

I have been coming to that realization slowly but surely before reading that line, but there is was in black and white. Who knew? I don't think I did. While I'm not trying to find ways to upset anyone (that would actually be funny in a Monty Python sort of way), that one sentence is reshaping my interactions with my wife and mother.

If only it were that easy to change a family system. Seems it is just a touch more complicated than that. My slow improvement as I journey toward strength does not necessarily lead my wife to immediate slow improvement of her own. In fact, it seems to be quite the opposite. As I gradually am able to stop being a shield for her, she has developed strategies to cope with her upsettedness. For our marriage, the immediate impact has been a perspective that things are getting worse, not better.

While I've been very conscious of my need to pursue strength for the sake of my marriage, I did not really have any idea that my interactions with my mom (and dad, but this blog is Mama Mia) would still be putting a stress on my marriage relationship. We don't live with my family after all!

Yet, Family relationships are a 'closed' system, meaning stress in one part of the system will affect the other parts as well. Not only does my mother-son relationship influence the foundations of my behavior, it affects my wife's perceptions of me as a man as well as places stress on her as she become exposed to my mother's manipulation.

Without God, this journey would not be possible. I'd be overwhelmed with the amount of change that needed to take place in seemingly unrelated relationships. Right now, though, I feel very certain that I'm on the right path. Trusting God with the outcomes as I finally allow myself to be shaped into the man He intended all along. I can only guess where all of this is going to lead, but I am more and more thankful for the journey and for God's grace in the second chance.

Sharing My Creed

How many slogans can you remember? Sadly, I can recall dozens, particularly from cereal commercials when I was a kid. "Frosted lucky charms, they're magically delicious!", "Stomper 4 x 4's you can try to stop 'em", or for some reason this one is bouncing around in my empty head "GE...we bring good things to life." Really you are getting cheated just reading these slogans, I have the songs down too. It'd be worth the price of admission for you the hear it.

The church I attend (and I'm sure the one yours too) has a slogan. Although, slogan sounds so campy. Rather we call it a mission statement. There are good mission statements and bad ones. I love ours. It fits for everyone and is not intimidating for newbies. "Helping people take their next step toward Christ." Eight words that communicate so much.

Slogans are great; they are memorable; and they communicate a message (some more profound than others). I am reading an interesting little book right now called Beyond Smells & Bells which is a primer on Christian liturgy's background and meaning. Having grown up Catholic, I am quite familiar with the liturgy's slogans of the faith, which are called creeds.

Creeds tend to be short-ish and memorable. Not as short as our present day mission statements, but a summary of doctrine in a few sentences. "We believe in one God, the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen." That's how the Nicene Creed starts. Not that creeds of the faith don't serve a purpose now, but hundreds of years ago, for an illiterate church, they would be the only way to carry the Gospel home with you, share it with friend, and remember the truths about God.

It is so easy to forget the truths about God when life slaps you in the face. For me, coming to experience the love of God rather than just know it in my head. As I walk this journey, that is sometimes a truth that gets lost as I am learning to trust, yet I don't want it to. Ever. So I've developed a creed to remind me and I'm going to share it with you. Nothing profound, but it communicates what I need to hear when what I need most to do is stand firm.

The Father adopted you. The Son died for you. The Spirit lives in you. Amen.

This statement (developed on a long car ride) helps me confront my fears. I don't have to be afraid of not being loved. I'm adopted. Think of how a child must feel (if they are old enough to be cognisent) to be adopted. Loved. Someone is choosing me. Someone is making a place in their world for me. Someone is promising to take care of me.

Nor do I fear inadequacy when I remember this statement. Jesus died for me. My fear of disappointing other is won over by the Spirit living in me. With the Spirit God is marking me, making me His own. Taking ownership and responsibility. If others are disappointed as I live in the Spirit, they are disappointed with God, not with me.

No, it's not the Nicene Creed, but I'm the only one that needs to use it. It's tailored to me. It is truth. And God is using it so that I can carry on the journey toward strenght with fewer interruptions.

God's Doppler Shift

Ever been standing still when an ambulance or fire truck passes you with its siren wailing? You notice right away that the sound of the siren as it approaches is different that the sound it makes when it gets further away. Same siren...different sound. It's a matter of perspective. As the siren approaches, the sounds waves scrunch together creating one tone and as the siren goes away the waves stretch out. New tone. Here is a picture to attempt clarification:

It is amazing the difference your perspective can make. Another instance would be if you were driving a good, safe 55 miles per hour in your car. When another car passes you going 70 mph, from your frame of reference the car that passes appears to be going 15 mph, but if you were standing on the side of the road hitchhiking the car would certainly seem to be going 70. It's all about your perspective.

Fairly simple observations like that take a great deal of physics equations to describe. Sometimes it is like that with simple stuff, it's just a little more complicated that it appears on the surface.

Yesterday I took a walk and something like that clicked in place for me. Perspective. Specifically, what perspective am I drawing my view of self from. Lately I have been stuck feeling like a used McDonald's styrofoam container (I know they don't use them anymore, but work with me here). Used up and discarded. Feeling worthless and full of regret.

One of the things that has been tough to navigate on my journey to restoration has been people's response to me. For the record, I know that what I did was selfish and stupid. A betrayal of the trust of my spouse, friends and church members. You will not find me shirking that reality. With that said, I know that trust and friendship is earned and that takes a lot of time.

What I was not expecting was the distance. The running away. Like I have spiritual leprosy that others could catch. "I'll call you"...and then nothing. Doing lunch...then met with excuses about getting together in the future. I've grieved over this rejection which has been feeding my sense of worthlessness and unworthiness.

Something clicked yesterday, though. What I was feeding myself was generated by other people's perspective. Not God's. Thinking from God's vantage point, I am fully loved. Jesus still died for me, that did not expire. Sure God is disappointed, but I'm forgiven. He is not discarding me, He is using this for my good, my strengthening, and the good of His kingdom. It is His perspective that I have to live out of.

That's been my Doppler Shift. Accepting myself as God sees me...not so I can stay the same, but so that He can change me and lead me through His plan for me. That's the irony. In the old way of thinking I was going to get stuck. Stuck in regret. Stuck in hopelessness. In this new perspective I am open to God's change, and more accepting of the process - painful as it is.

I think that is what Peter had in mind when he wrote "set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed." My hope and my perspective must be fully focused on the grace of God. Thank you God for that.

The Road Less, Less, Less Traveled

I'm back. It has been awhile since I've posted. The family and I have been on a road trip. I love road trips. Mainly I love the road and seeing new places and staying in Hampton Inns and moving on. I've been hankering for an extended road trip, and I got my wish. We headed north to Monticello, Mt. Vernon, Washington DC, Baltimore, Ellicot City, MD, Williamsburg, and Myrtle Beach. Lots of miles and lots of fun.

During the twelve night voyage of discovery, I did have the chance to confront some things about myself. I guess that is what tends to happen when you are just staring at the road and looking at the scenery. For us today, I'd like to offer this nugget...I get very agitated when I don't feel like I am making progress.

In my perfect travel world there would be direct interstate access to every destination. Lacking that, my next preference would be to at least have no stop lights and passing lanes. Unfortunately, the Garmin we were using as our guide was not aware of my travel constraints. The setting we chose was "determine fastest route" and on our way we went.

One of the conclusions that I made about the "determine fastest route" setting was that it made your trip faster because there was nowhere to stop and eat. Not even a McDonald's as a last resort. Didn't even know roads existed that did not have McDonald's on them. But they are there, and the Garmin knows everyone of them.

The pinnacle of anxiety for me came as it was approaching dinnertime on day nine. On our way to South Carolina and the Garmin had us on roads that had only one lane. Not one lane in each direction, one lane for both directions. We saw more deer that cars (9 to 2). And the instructions called for us to turn at "Cedar Signpost Road". How did we know we were there? We saw the cedar signpost of course! No sign. Just the cedar signpost. Somehow we had discovered a land where the 'highways' were labeled by color.

It was like the Garmin was playing some joke on us; I think that I heard a tinge of laughter as it was giving us instructions...like "I wonder how long this dude will follow these instructions? Wonder if I can get him to turn down a road that is nothing more than two dirt wheel tracks?"

Eventually we got to our goal. Found dinner and a Hampton Inn. Not sure if it was really faster, but I'll have to trust the Garmin people on that one. But why my anxiety in the meantime? I had an eye in the sky. We had checked the step by step and saw the eventual outcome.

I think it was because I didn't see anyone else on the road. These were the roads less traveled. Apparently no one else with a Garmin was out using these directions on this particular day. Progress seemed slow. One of the two cars I saw was going slow in front of me and there was no where to pass.

I've been feeling this same way on my journey of late. Anxious and stuck. Hoping for progress, but not really sure what I'm looking for. Expecting things to move at a pace faster than what I am experiencing. All of this has been a challenge to my trust.

So in the midst of this stuck feeling my old friend pride rears its ugly head and brings its first cousin entitlement. So I begin to think things like "If I am making all this progress, then I deserve this outcome." Taking the step back in my motivation. Now I want something.

This journey is non-linear. But I want it to be linear. One step leading to another. Taking two steps forward and one step back does have uncomfortable moments. And failures. Facing my fear of inadequacy almost constantly. Even though these steps back lead to more learning and progress, I don't like them.

During my wayward summer last year, the thing that kept me from coming back and heeding the prompting of God was my pride. Thinking that my wife was just afraid of being alone. That the changes she was evidencing were just an act and that all of that would go away if I returned. This butted up against my feeling of entitlement, I deserved this new relationship and didn't deserve how I'd been treated.

As my pride has resurfaced somewhat unnoticed, and progress has been slower than I'd hoped, I had begun to think I was right. Maybe it was an act, maybe this is how it is going to be for me. My pride has been a challenge to my trust.

My point in sharing this, and the thing I learned in the car, is that my battle with my root sin of pride is not one that will likely end. I believe it will get easier to fight (and maybe this whole process is part of becoming equipped to continue fighting it) but I don't think it will go away until Jesus comes to get me. Even though it is non-linear and means facing setbacks, I must continue to stand firm against my pride and not turn my back or shove it to the side thinking that I am finished with it.

That is part of my choosing to trust. God knows my pride. My thorn in the flesh. Yet He loves me anyway and wants to walk this journey with me. I may not see an abundance of others on the path, but the One who matters most will continue to be there with me asking me to give more and more of my struggle over to Him. The more I confront this reality, the more steps forward God is going to be able to lead me.