The Road Less, Less, Less Traveled

I'm back. It has been awhile since I've posted. The family and I have been on a road trip. I love road trips. Mainly I love the road and seeing new places and staying in Hampton Inns and moving on. I've been hankering for an extended road trip, and I got my wish. We headed north to Monticello, Mt. Vernon, Washington DC, Baltimore, Ellicot City, MD, Williamsburg, and Myrtle Beach. Lots of miles and lots of fun.

During the twelve night voyage of discovery, I did have the chance to confront some things about myself. I guess that is what tends to happen when you are just staring at the road and looking at the scenery. For us today, I'd like to offer this nugget...I get very agitated when I don't feel like I am making progress.

In my perfect travel world there would be direct interstate access to every destination. Lacking that, my next preference would be to at least have no stop lights and passing lanes. Unfortunately, the Garmin we were using as our guide was not aware of my travel constraints. The setting we chose was "determine fastest route" and on our way we went.

One of the conclusions that I made about the "determine fastest route" setting was that it made your trip faster because there was nowhere to stop and eat. Not even a McDonald's as a last resort. Didn't even know roads existed that did not have McDonald's on them. But they are there, and the Garmin knows everyone of them.

The pinnacle of anxiety for me came as it was approaching dinnertime on day nine. On our way to South Carolina and the Garmin had us on roads that had only one lane. Not one lane in each direction, one lane for both directions. We saw more deer that cars (9 to 2). And the instructions called for us to turn at "Cedar Signpost Road". How did we know we were there? We saw the cedar signpost of course! No sign. Just the cedar signpost. Somehow we had discovered a land where the 'highways' were labeled by color.

It was like the Garmin was playing some joke on us; I think that I heard a tinge of laughter as it was giving us instructions...like "I wonder how long this dude will follow these instructions? Wonder if I can get him to turn down a road that is nothing more than two dirt wheel tracks?"

Eventually we got to our goal. Found dinner and a Hampton Inn. Not sure if it was really faster, but I'll have to trust the Garmin people on that one. But why my anxiety in the meantime? I had an eye in the sky. We had checked the step by step and saw the eventual outcome.

I think it was because I didn't see anyone else on the road. These were the roads less traveled. Apparently no one else with a Garmin was out using these directions on this particular day. Progress seemed slow. One of the two cars I saw was going slow in front of me and there was no where to pass.

I've been feeling this same way on my journey of late. Anxious and stuck. Hoping for progress, but not really sure what I'm looking for. Expecting things to move at a pace faster than what I am experiencing. All of this has been a challenge to my trust.

So in the midst of this stuck feeling my old friend pride rears its ugly head and brings its first cousin entitlement. So I begin to think things like "If I am making all this progress, then I deserve this outcome." Taking the step back in my motivation. Now I want something.

This journey is non-linear. But I want it to be linear. One step leading to another. Taking two steps forward and one step back does have uncomfortable moments. And failures. Facing my fear of inadequacy almost constantly. Even though these steps back lead to more learning and progress, I don't like them.

During my wayward summer last year, the thing that kept me from coming back and heeding the prompting of God was my pride. Thinking that my wife was just afraid of being alone. That the changes she was evidencing were just an act and that all of that would go away if I returned. This butted up against my feeling of entitlement, I deserved this new relationship and didn't deserve how I'd been treated.

As my pride has resurfaced somewhat unnoticed, and progress has been slower than I'd hoped, I had begun to think I was right. Maybe it was an act, maybe this is how it is going to be for me. My pride has been a challenge to my trust.

My point in sharing this, and the thing I learned in the car, is that my battle with my root sin of pride is not one that will likely end. I believe it will get easier to fight (and maybe this whole process is part of becoming equipped to continue fighting it) but I don't think it will go away until Jesus comes to get me. Even though it is non-linear and means facing setbacks, I must continue to stand firm against my pride and not turn my back or shove it to the side thinking that I am finished with it.

That is part of my choosing to trust. God knows my pride. My thorn in the flesh. Yet He loves me anyway and wants to walk this journey with me. I may not see an abundance of others on the path, but the One who matters most will continue to be there with me asking me to give more and more of my struggle over to Him. The more I confront this reality, the more steps forward God is going to be able to lead me.