In the car over the weekend I was quizzing my daughter about history for her upcoming test. George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Robert E. Lee, et. al. and the power of stories just continues to strike me. Discord in our society seems to increase the more we erase from our minds and schools the stories of our country. The thing that united us - the stories of the founding of this country and its rise to greatness. Jesus said (and Lincoln repeated) that a house divided against itself cannot stand. How long until that catches up with us?
While some of those musings occupied my mind for a few moments, I again came back to the affect of the stories we tell - especially those we begin to tell ourselves. Internally dividing our own house. I am guilty of beginning to spiral downward just a couple weeks ago. While healing in my marriage is happening steadily, I would also say that the pace is not what I was hoping for. Looking back over the past few weeks I can say - slow and steady wins the race. Better to rebuild slowly and have the work done solidly and properly than to have quick construction reminiscent of the typical Florida home.
But, such a conclusion was exactly what I was able to begin talking myself out of. After a couple of minor interactions that didn't meet my expectations (how subtly I can make a goal for my wife's behavior) some new refrains began to appear in my stories. Rather than "how can I use this interaction to show her I love her" or "how can I respond out of godly masculinity", I began to focus on me. For me it becomes to easy to describe how good I am doing compared to her. "Obviously she is not trying" or "she is making a decision to not forgive me" and just like that my stories begin to focus on me.
Rather than seeing the amazing process of God at work - the tender hugs, shared happiness over an opportunity I have received, glimmers of respect - and rejoicing in gratitude, I become blind to those things because of where my stories have led me. On a much, much smaller scale, this is the epitome of what happened in the previous 10 years of marriage leading up to my affair. Becoming more and more blind to the things of God - hardening my own heart.
Good news, though, I am learning! This only lasted a couple days. Slow as it may be. God has broken me all the way down, like taking a Yugo engine apart, and is rebuilding me - and when He does it, instead of a refurbished Yugo I'll have the soothing sound of a V8 Chevy Silverado. While it is hard not to resist the process, I am giving him freedom to create a new me: follower of Jesus, husband, father, and hopefully pastor again someday.
Rather than imperfections being cause to flee from God, I am not scared to run to Him with my failures. Responding to conviction. Having a sensitivity to the things of God because I am not trying to impress Him with what a great dude I am. This is part of my being on guard, staying alert and being a man of courage. Letting God mold me into a man of courage will be the thing that continues to transform my marriage and everything else.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Story Telling
Right now, I am about half way through the book Leading Minds: An Anatomy of Leadership and the premise of the author Howard Gardner is that the most valuable commodity any leader possesses is the stories that they tell. Even more, the ability to tailor the story to the particular audience in order to build influence or compel people to action is a fundamental leadership characteristic found in great leaders throughout history.
The book is a secular book on leadership, but it is God who makes the principles, so He must exemplify this too I would think. As I write this, the first example of God using this principle that jumps into my mind is in Joshua after the entire Israelite nation crosses the Jordan River (now there's a feat of leadership) and the people are probably super excited to get their share of the promised land - the original version of 40 acres and a mule. God stops them. I picture this scene like being a kid after a long car ride to the beach during summer vacation. You just want to hop out of the car, get moving, and enjoy running around with the sand between your toes. It's time to forget the hot, cramped car. But Mom stops you to put on sunscreen. Now look at all the fun I'm missing.
God stops them. Wow, we've got to stop again? We have just spent 40 years on the other side of the river and now that we've traveled 100 feet we have to stop. Why oh why? God is the master of stories and as I'm sure you know better than I do, He has them pile up twelve stones with the injunction that when their children ask what the stones mean the Israelites would be able to tell the story of God cutting the waters of the Jordan off so his chosen people could walk into the promised land. The people would be able to tell of God's red carpet - the dry ground He provided to welcome them home. It's all about the story.
God wanted to lead his people though a story. One of many they had of the works of God among them. Stories that would help them keep their faith as they faced obstacles. Stories that were to be on their lips always. We, as followers of Christ, have our stories of God working in us, with us, and all around us. These are the stories that we are supposed to tell to encourage ourselves as well as build the faith of those around us.
Problem is, when things get tough it becomes more labored to remember these stories. Instead of the story of what God has done, the path of least resistance becomes the story of how we feel wronged. How we are frustrated by other's actions. God gets bumped. Check that. He doesn't necessarily get bumped completely, He just swaps positions. Rather than being at the center of the story, He gets shifted to the outside and we take the central place. Now our stories are focused on complaining. Don't believe me? Remember the Israelites? This is the same bunch that after being set free from slavery, led by a pillar of fire, crossing the Red Sea on dry land, and eating manna every day began to say - we were better off in Egypt! Manna's all you've got? I want meat! They (quickly) forgot their stories of God.
I am an Israelite in this. The road to being a pastor - to living out my purpose and calling - was not an easy one, but the hand of God was so evident. Yet I forgot the stories. The stories of God's perfect timing, of his responding to my trust, of responding to the fears my wife had. There were so many ways God was evident in the process. And I forgot them all. My stories began to focus on what I didn't have. (Where was my meat?) Why is there so much distance between my wife and me? Where is my respect at home? Where is the physical intimacy? Why can't I speak at church more frequently? Why is that person getting to lead that project? I was so filled with unmet expectations and bitterness that I became the center of all my stories.
Stories have the power to lead. Even unintentionally. So, when the stories center on God and what He has done, those stories will lead to freedom and joy. That's what God provides and that is what was so lacking in my life. My stories focused on me and what I lacked. They were stories of scarcity, desperation and unmet expectations. I became needy. Particularly with my wife - I hung my needs on her like she was a Christmas tree, and it weighed her down. Like the Christmas tree in the Charlie Brown Christmas special, she was buckling under the weight of my expectations. I was expecting her to meet my needs instead of God. I was expecting ministry to meet my needs instead of God. Friends, affirmation, you name it I was expecting it to meet my needs instead of God. Everyone else was supposed to solve my problems.
Instead of having freedom and joy in my stories of God, I was weighted down and I was doing the same thing to those around me. The spiral was vicious and downward until I finally got desperate enough to begin to face my fears and tell God's stories again. But to get to that place involved me almost abandoning everything meaningful in my life.
The book is a secular book on leadership, but it is God who makes the principles, so He must exemplify this too I would think. As I write this, the first example of God using this principle that jumps into my mind is in Joshua after the entire Israelite nation crosses the Jordan River (now there's a feat of leadership) and the people are probably super excited to get their share of the promised land - the original version of 40 acres and a mule. God stops them. I picture this scene like being a kid after a long car ride to the beach during summer vacation. You just want to hop out of the car, get moving, and enjoy running around with the sand between your toes. It's time to forget the hot, cramped car. But Mom stops you to put on sunscreen. Now look at all the fun I'm missing.
God stops them. Wow, we've got to stop again? We have just spent 40 years on the other side of the river and now that we've traveled 100 feet we have to stop. Why oh why? God is the master of stories and as I'm sure you know better than I do, He has them pile up twelve stones with the injunction that when their children ask what the stones mean the Israelites would be able to tell the story of God cutting the waters of the Jordan off so his chosen people could walk into the promised land. The people would be able to tell of God's red carpet - the dry ground He provided to welcome them home. It's all about the story.
God wanted to lead his people though a story. One of many they had of the works of God among them. Stories that would help them keep their faith as they faced obstacles. Stories that were to be on their lips always. We, as followers of Christ, have our stories of God working in us, with us, and all around us. These are the stories that we are supposed to tell to encourage ourselves as well as build the faith of those around us.
Problem is, when things get tough it becomes more labored to remember these stories. Instead of the story of what God has done, the path of least resistance becomes the story of how we feel wronged. How we are frustrated by other's actions. God gets bumped. Check that. He doesn't necessarily get bumped completely, He just swaps positions. Rather than being at the center of the story, He gets shifted to the outside and we take the central place. Now our stories are focused on complaining. Don't believe me? Remember the Israelites? This is the same bunch that after being set free from slavery, led by a pillar of fire, crossing the Red Sea on dry land, and eating manna every day began to say - we were better off in Egypt! Manna's all you've got? I want meat! They (quickly) forgot their stories of God.
I am an Israelite in this. The road to being a pastor - to living out my purpose and calling - was not an easy one, but the hand of God was so evident. Yet I forgot the stories. The stories of God's perfect timing, of his responding to my trust, of responding to the fears my wife had. There were so many ways God was evident in the process. And I forgot them all. My stories began to focus on what I didn't have. (Where was my meat?) Why is there so much distance between my wife and me? Where is my respect at home? Where is the physical intimacy? Why can't I speak at church more frequently? Why is that person getting to lead that project? I was so filled with unmet expectations and bitterness that I became the center of all my stories.
Stories have the power to lead. Even unintentionally. So, when the stories center on God and what He has done, those stories will lead to freedom and joy. That's what God provides and that is what was so lacking in my life. My stories focused on me and what I lacked. They were stories of scarcity, desperation and unmet expectations. I became needy. Particularly with my wife - I hung my needs on her like she was a Christmas tree, and it weighed her down. Like the Christmas tree in the Charlie Brown Christmas special, she was buckling under the weight of my expectations. I was expecting her to meet my needs instead of God. I was expecting ministry to meet my needs instead of God. Friends, affirmation, you name it I was expecting it to meet my needs instead of God. Everyone else was supposed to solve my problems.
Instead of having freedom and joy in my stories of God, I was weighted down and I was doing the same thing to those around me. The spiral was vicious and downward until I finally got desperate enough to begin to face my fears and tell God's stories again. But to get to that place involved me almost abandoning everything meaningful in my life.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Choosing Trust
As the stresses of life mounted, in particular the stresses of a whirlwind life of pastoring in a fast growing, thriving church, the fractures in the foundation of my marriage became more and more apparent. There were a few people that I confided in, but for a variety of reasons (future blog entry!) I distanced myself relationally from friends and coworkers. If anyone asked, things were 'fine' or 'getting better'.
One of the things that is frustrating to hear well-meaning people say when things in your world seem to be getting out of control - and I must ashamedly admit that I used to tell people this on occasion - is you just have to learn to trust God. Now, that is not frustrating because it is untrue, but it is difficult to hear because HOW do you apply such advice? I thought I WAS trusting God. There was not a book on marriage that I didn't read. Any suggestion that I came across to better a marriage I would try. Date night? check. Pray together? tried it. Doing dishes and vacuuming? oh yeah.
One time when reading some book (they seem to all run together at some point when you are desperate) the topic of pain or suffering or perseverance or something like that came up and the author very succinctly said that the answer was to trust God and quoted a verse and moved on like problem solved. This frustrated me so much that I circled the paragraph with a pen until I had eaten through several pages of the book. How, how, how? Was all my mind could think. Is this really so easy for everyone else? (another blog, when it is so bad you start to think everyone else has their game together)
Problem for me is that was addressing the fruit rather than getting to the root. (What a happy accident, that rhymes. I'll use that someday.) I wanted to change my behavior to show that I was trusting God. The thought goes something like, 'if I am willing to try behavior X or Y, then I must be trusting God'. When all these behavior changes made no difference, my frustration became deep bitterness, resentment and anger.
Even after God worked a miracle in my heart for my marriage and I turned wholeheartedly from my sin, I started down the same road of performance (the fruit) rather than trust (the root). Rather than face my fears head on, I was still trying to get around them. It is so easy to say All I have to do is trust God. But I had still not addressed what that meant. For me, the answer was not found in the question how do I trust God? but rather in the question who do I think God is? This would be the key for me to figure out why it was so hard to trust God.
That paradigm shift led me to real progress. My earliest conception of God, which I was carrying with me as a pastor, was of a God to be pleased. As a kid, I had to pass a class in order to take communion. Another class to be 'confirmed' as a member of the church. You had to go into a closet to tell all your sins. What if I said something so foul that I was laughed at? There is no hope for you dude, leave the closet and close the door on the way out. Sounds funny now, the dots that a kid would connect - and rather than the dots making a pretty picture of a flower or bunny, they were connected wrong to get a page full of scribbles. A messed up picture of a God to be pleased, ready to reject, with plenty of hurdles to jump over.
Surprising as it sounds, 12 years after starting a relationship with God, I still had not dug down to my root issue. God had to be pleased. One wrong move and you were not good enough. Hard to trust that. Especially when the life that few people see was not going so well. But once the roots were exposed, all the knowledge that I had in my head about God - knowledge that was so easy and effective to pass on to others, but never rang true for me - all that stuff rushed to my heart. The grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day!
So now I am choosing to trust. It is a daily decision. Staring my fears and failures in the face and walking into them with God, rather than trying to conquer them on my own before approaching God. Not perfectly by any means, but still choosing to trust. It is so amazing what happens when you address the root rather than the fruit.
One of the things that is frustrating to hear well-meaning people say when things in your world seem to be getting out of control - and I must ashamedly admit that I used to tell people this on occasion - is you just have to learn to trust God. Now, that is not frustrating because it is untrue, but it is difficult to hear because HOW do you apply such advice? I thought I WAS trusting God. There was not a book on marriage that I didn't read. Any suggestion that I came across to better a marriage I would try. Date night? check. Pray together? tried it. Doing dishes and vacuuming? oh yeah.
One time when reading some book (they seem to all run together at some point when you are desperate) the topic of pain or suffering or perseverance or something like that came up and the author very succinctly said that the answer was to trust God and quoted a verse and moved on like problem solved. This frustrated me so much that I circled the paragraph with a pen until I had eaten through several pages of the book. How, how, how? Was all my mind could think. Is this really so easy for everyone else? (another blog, when it is so bad you start to think everyone else has their game together)
Problem for me is that was addressing the fruit rather than getting to the root. (What a happy accident, that rhymes. I'll use that someday.) I wanted to change my behavior to show that I was trusting God. The thought goes something like, 'if I am willing to try behavior X or Y, then I must be trusting God'. When all these behavior changes made no difference, my frustration became deep bitterness, resentment and anger.
Even after God worked a miracle in my heart for my marriage and I turned wholeheartedly from my sin, I started down the same road of performance (the fruit) rather than trust (the root). Rather than face my fears head on, I was still trying to get around them. It is so easy to say All I have to do is trust God. But I had still not addressed what that meant. For me, the answer was not found in the question how do I trust God? but rather in the question who do I think God is? This would be the key for me to figure out why it was so hard to trust God.
That paradigm shift led me to real progress. My earliest conception of God, which I was carrying with me as a pastor, was of a God to be pleased. As a kid, I had to pass a class in order to take communion. Another class to be 'confirmed' as a member of the church. You had to go into a closet to tell all your sins. What if I said something so foul that I was laughed at? There is no hope for you dude, leave the closet and close the door on the way out. Sounds funny now, the dots that a kid would connect - and rather than the dots making a pretty picture of a flower or bunny, they were connected wrong to get a page full of scribbles. A messed up picture of a God to be pleased, ready to reject, with plenty of hurdles to jump over.
Surprising as it sounds, 12 years after starting a relationship with God, I still had not dug down to my root issue. God had to be pleased. One wrong move and you were not good enough. Hard to trust that. Especially when the life that few people see was not going so well. But once the roots were exposed, all the knowledge that I had in my head about God - knowledge that was so easy and effective to pass on to others, but never rang true for me - all that stuff rushed to my heart. The grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day!
So now I am choosing to trust. It is a daily decision. Staring my fears and failures in the face and walking into them with God, rather than trying to conquer them on my own before approaching God. Not perfectly by any means, but still choosing to trust. It is so amazing what happens when you address the root rather than the fruit.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Blogging the Journey
So I have been sitting here before the keyboard for some time, staring at the screen. Even though a few people have recommended starting this blog, I have never seen myself as a blog-worthy. Strangely, compounding my apprehension is the fact that I have a little touch of fear as I begin this process. But in reality, who is going to see what I write? There are only like ten trillion other blogs online, so the chances of some pastor or church leader finding this blog, actually finding it interesting or applicable, and continuing to check in seem remote at best.
Actually though, that is exactly the reason I want to start this thing...because it would take an act of God for the right person to be here. That church leader who God may direct here might have just lost their last shred of hope because the mask they've been wearing has just become too exhausting. That church leader might be considering some poor choices they never thought they would be making and feel alone with no one to turn to who could understand how they got to this place. That someone may be you, the reader who has stumbled here and is reading my just formed blog.
I am a pastor who has been there, done that, and more. Which may be just the reason someone wants to keep reading, or better yet, needs to keep reading. To find another church leader...anyone who may be able to offer some comfort and counsel. God has really done a miracle in my life and one of my hopes has been that He could use my poor choices to save others the heartache and damage that my life has endured.
I fell into the trap of trusting my performance as a church leader as a measure of my relationship with God. Also, I was addicted to the approval of the people in the church at which I was an associate pastor. Sound familiar? I hid the dysfunction of my marriage from most everyone, and rather than confronting my fears, I was controlled by them and let them dictate my behavior. Making matters worse, I didn't feel like I could trust God or anyone else with all the stuff I struggling with...I was isolated and lonely...until a friendly female face came through my door. That was the beginning of my downfall.
The good news is that we serve a God who loves us. A God who rebuilds, reconciles, and restores. Yes, it is possible. Restoration is the journey that I am now on. Restoration of my relatinship with God. Restoration of my marriage. Restoration of my family. Restoration of authentic friendships. And hopefully, someday, restoration of my life in ministry, for I sense now more than ever God's compelling call on my life.
If any of this sounds familiar or is beginning to, then this is the place for you. We can walk the journey together. For me there are two purposes for this blog. First, I want to tell of the process that I've been though and continue on; the miracles, pain, successes, set backs, reflection, realizations, resources, what has helped and hindered. Second, I want to be used by God as a resource for church leaders who are somewhere on the self-destructive path. Please feel empowered to comment freely. If you need some private counsel, my email address (which my wife has access to) is available in the profile section.
As we get started, in order to honor my wife as she and I continue our healing process, access will be by invitation only. At some point in the future that will change. But, if you are here and know some church leader who may benefit from this blog, feel free to email me their email address and I'll add them to the invitation list.
Thanks for reading. My initial fear has been replace by excitement and I am looking forward to sharing God's miraculous path of restoration with you.
Actually though, that is exactly the reason I want to start this thing...because it would take an act of God for the right person to be here. That church leader who God may direct here might have just lost their last shred of hope because the mask they've been wearing has just become too exhausting. That church leader might be considering some poor choices they never thought they would be making and feel alone with no one to turn to who could understand how they got to this place. That someone may be you, the reader who has stumbled here and is reading my just formed blog.
I am a pastor who has been there, done that, and more. Which may be just the reason someone wants to keep reading, or better yet, needs to keep reading. To find another church leader...anyone who may be able to offer some comfort and counsel. God has really done a miracle in my life and one of my hopes has been that He could use my poor choices to save others the heartache and damage that my life has endured.
I fell into the trap of trusting my performance as a church leader as a measure of my relationship with God. Also, I was addicted to the approval of the people in the church at which I was an associate pastor. Sound familiar? I hid the dysfunction of my marriage from most everyone, and rather than confronting my fears, I was controlled by them and let them dictate my behavior. Making matters worse, I didn't feel like I could trust God or anyone else with all the stuff I struggling with...I was isolated and lonely...until a friendly female face came through my door. That was the beginning of my downfall.
The good news is that we serve a God who loves us. A God who rebuilds, reconciles, and restores. Yes, it is possible. Restoration is the journey that I am now on. Restoration of my relatinship with God. Restoration of my marriage. Restoration of my family. Restoration of authentic friendships. And hopefully, someday, restoration of my life in ministry, for I sense now more than ever God's compelling call on my life.
If any of this sounds familiar or is beginning to, then this is the place for you. We can walk the journey together. For me there are two purposes for this blog. First, I want to tell of the process that I've been though and continue on; the miracles, pain, successes, set backs, reflection, realizations, resources, what has helped and hindered. Second, I want to be used by God as a resource for church leaders who are somewhere on the self-destructive path. Please feel empowered to comment freely. If you need some private counsel, my email address (which my wife has access to) is available in the profile section.
As we get started, in order to honor my wife as she and I continue our healing process, access will be by invitation only. At some point in the future that will change. But, if you are here and know some church leader who may benefit from this blog, feel free to email me their email address and I'll add them to the invitation list.
Thanks for reading. My initial fear has been replace by excitement and I am looking forward to sharing God's miraculous path of restoration with you.
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