A Blurred View

Many years ago, when the Hubble Space telescope was lifted into space, amid all the hoopla of it being a technological marvel, one of the largest satellites to that date, and having the ability to see further into space than an optical telescope had ever seen, there arose one small problem. When they flipped the switch into the 'ON' position, it was blurry.

The image was blurry. And distorted. Not at all a true representation of what lay out there, further than we had ever seen before. It turns out that when the lens fabricated, the curvature was miscalculated. By less than 1%. (Expensive mistake.) The view into space was compromised because of a problem with the lens.

Our spiritual lives, too, can be compromised by the lens we use to view ourselves. (Yes, a cheesy intro, but I needed something to warm up.) In my experience, people (including myself) have three main lens defects. We view ourselves through the lens of what we do, the lens of what we have, and the lens of what people think us. That's how we tend to generate our identity, by using defective lenses.

When Satan tempted Jesus, he tempted the identity of the Son of God. "Jesus, your identity is in what you do, turn these stones into bread", "Jesus, your identity is in what you have, call down angels from heaven", and finally "Jesus, your identity is is what people think of you, they will worship you if you just bow before me." Jesus knew who He was, and what God intended Him to be. His identity was secure because His lens never faltered.

The Hubble telescope was eventually fixed by correcting the error in the lens. It took a lot of looking at the data to see where the error was, and then more effort to make the proper adjustments. Just like the Hubble, our lenses may need adjustment. Maybe as we evaluate our lives, make resolutions, and try to be better, it is possible we are attacking the wrong problem. Rather than worry about the uncomfortable behaviors that are the fruit of our identity first, we may need to examine the lens that we get that identity from.

And make adjustments. So that we can see clearly to fix the real problem.

Blessed By Resurrection

So in my last post I described the Paschal Mystery to you. The passing from death to new life. A spiritual cycle that we live daily as we die to ourselves and follow Christ. It is at the point of releasing the old that we get choice, and the effects of that choice are either spiritual growth or stagnation/decline

Up until recently, this has been hard for me to grasp. Particularly in the area of my relationships. Upon experiencing my miracle and beginning my restorative journey, I made a point of attempting to reconcile with every significant person that I had wronged. This was an arduous task, humbling and extensive because of the many bridges that I had burned.

While I knew that the relationships would not be the same (which in many ways was going to be a good thing), with the additional hurdle of trust being reestablished - I did have hope that fences could be mended and the relationships healed. In fact, at first that seemed to be true. Among the closest of my friends, I was told "I want to pick up where we left off", "I've missed our friendship and I'd like to begin getting together again" and "let the bromance begin".

Yet, one by one, these relationships have fallen off the map. Without words, avoiding explanation, the resuscitated patients died on the table. In hindsight what I can see is that these false starts were efforts by some at resuscitation. Not accepting the new man God was crafting, not being honest, avoiding the tough stuff, just trying to put things in the past.

God wants resurrection, new life, not a continuation of the old. This is not to say that all these relationships had to end for resurrection, but there had to be changes. There had to be a new spirit.

One 'death' in particular was very hard to take. One of my best friends all along. Someone whose path I seemed to be walking. Himself a former pastor. Had an affair. Marriage died. Spent time in the desert. God restored him to church leadership. I identified in his story. Yet, without warning, this friend got busy. Too busy to meet. Too busy to return calls. Too busy to respond to emails with any depth. Too busy to even explain what was wrong. I felt abandoned...I was abandoned.

It was a tragic death.

I spent a lot of time grieving this loss. We were on the same path. He much farther along. But he had been where I was treading. Up against his wall, spending time alone in his desert, experiencing new life. A friend of mine watching me struggle with this death and far in advance of me coming to understand the Paschal Mystery, had given me the counsel that I should look at how the relationship, and its demise, had blessed me.

I was stuck on grief and didn't know what to do with this advice. I was clinging to the old. Almost blindly grasping; lacking true wisdom, I wanted the old back. Resuscitation.

As God was guiding my life back to ministry, as I was experiencing the reality of His restoration, I began to understand what the blessing God wanted me to take away from this relational death. The value that was to be reproduced in my life. Don't fall back into the old ways. Don't return to your vomit. Do not be consumed with busyness. God is working a new thing. This path is His. But I have to be careful where I step.

I cannot again find my identity in what I do or what people think of me. My identity needs to always be firmly established in Christ. Period. Resurrection.

The blessing for me, was the reminder that I must keep my guard up against the pull of my root sin, the pride that battles against my new nature. That is my daily denial of self, before I take up my cross, and follow my Savior.

Paschal Mystery, Episode One

It's taken me awhile to type this particular blog. I made my notes for it in my journal December 7th and it's been a block to me. Haven't felt like I could post anything else until I get this one out. To me, this one is important and filled with applicable truth. A message that I've wanted to get JUST RIGHT (that's why I made notes), and that is probably why it has taken so long to get it out.

Sometimes I do that. In my desire to get things perfect (or as close to perfect as I am capable of), I procrastinate. I rationalize and put things off. My wife would deny emphatically that I am a perfectionist, but for me this is how my perfectionism is shown, avoidance.

Here I go. Putting away and attempts at perfection. This is a blog after all. So, the notes I made are away (I did read them though) and I'm just going to type this out "stream of consciousness" style.

It's called The Paschal Mystery. (The mathematician in me wants to type and pronounce Pascale.) Outlined by the early Christian mystics as they identified this clear pattern of life. Paschal means passing, from one state to another, specifically from death to new life. Jesus taught about the Paschal Mystery when he told his followers that unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it will remain a single seed. But if it dies, it will produce many seeds. Growth and reproduction are outlined in this principle.

Then Jesus did something amazing, he lived the Paschal Mystery. He died on Good Friday, was raised to new life on Easter Sunday, ascended to heaven and then released a new spirit on Pentecost. That is the Paschal Mystery. And it is repeated over and over throughout life. True life comes only through journeys of death and new life, when we do not grasp onto the old and allow the new to bless us.

Depending on who you read regarding this mystery, it can be summarized in many different ways. But I favor Ron Rolheiser's progression described in the book The Holy Longing.

death --> grief --> resurrection (new life) --> release (old life) --> spirit of new life

Christ died. Step one. The grain of wheat falling to the ground. The salvation of his disciples, and our own, would be impossible without this death. Because the hopes of the disciples were in the old life, their worldly expectations of the Messiah, they grieved. When Jesus died, so did their hope - or so they thought.

For me, the most profound step is what happens after the new life forms. When something in our life dies, whether it is a life, phase of life, hope or dream, a new life takes it place. Often whether we like it our not. This presents us with a choice. The same choice faced by the disciples when Christ was resurrected.

Do we cling to the old? That is not the Paschal Mystery. But it is common. Change cannot happen when we grasp for the old, cling to it and won't let it go. That was Mary Magdalene's first reaction, to hold onto the risen body of Christ, holding onto what she knew. She wanted resuscitation. Jesus asked her to let go; He wasn't constrained by the old, something new was going to happen; this was resurrection.

The second choice is to release the old life. Release it so that it can ascend, because it is only by letting it go can we receive the blessing. It wasn't until Jesus ascended that the counselor could be sent. It was better for his disciples that he depart from them.

This choice is easy to type in paragraph form, but sometimes amazingly difficult to execute in everyday life. Releasing doesn't mean forgetting. Then none of us could release our loved ones when they die. Part of releasing is not giving the old control. Not making 'the way things were' an idol. It is so difficult, it is the step that hangs all of us up at some point, if not the majority of the time.

Yet, good grieving consists in not just letting the old, good grieving allows us to let the old bless us. Jesus ascended and sent the spirit of the new life to his disciples. By letting go of the old, their old expectations of Christ, their old hopes for themselves in the coming kingdom, they were able to live out of the Spirit of the new life.

Life is full of hurts, losses, unfairness, disappointments, shattered dreams, and unreached potential. All these things (and more) deserve grief. But, unless I mourn them properly, they will never be able to bless me. Until I release my fantasies of what could or should have been, I will be doomed to live in bitterness and resentment.

That requires trust. Trust that there is a God who loves me. Trust that He is working all things for the good of those who love Him, of which I am one. I must trust that nothing is wasted in God's economy and I have a choice that will either lead to bitterness or blessing.

There it is. The Paschal Mystery presented imperfectly. If you have questions, don't be afraid to comment so I can clarify. What I want is for us to all be able to speak the same language spiritually.

Ignorance is not bliss. Now that I've identified this process, this mystery, I have been able to also see clearly the things I've been hanging onto. One you know you are hanging on, it is much easier to release what is dead and unhealthy in life. Helping to free me of bitterness, and continue to journey toward strength with joy.

Happy New Year!

I spent the New Year aboard a cruise ship, so this particular entry is a couple days late. But, I figured better better late than waiting until next New Year's Eve when none of this will make any sense. By the way, nothing like a cruise vacation as far as unplugging. On a ship in international waters, no phone, texts, tweets, computer, email, nothing buy my family and a choice book or two. Love it.

What an astounding year it has been. Started with the ultimate low of having to admit to my wife and closest friends how far I fell and ended with an ever increasing awareness of the joys of living in the grace of God. It was a year in the desert. A year of restoration and discovering trust. A year of working on a resurrected marriage rather than a resuscitating an old one. A year of taking the awkward, sometimes painful steps on the journey to strength. And a year that has ended with God allowing me the blessing of a second chance. God has done too much.

Looking ahead is humbling and overwhelming. I start a new job tomorrow. God's timing, yet He let me in on the timeline from the beginning. A reward for trying to learn the discipline of being still? Whatever it is I may not sleep tonight. My head is joyfully aswim with ideas and possibilities.

There is a new dimension to my calling. I feel it so clearly. Like giving birth. A book. I don't know where it will lead, but since God is calling me there, I will follow. Trust. Writing, proclaiming is not something I feel sure of, but I am sure of the one who restored me. So I'll make the steps.

So what of 2011? As I think about what I have begun to learn about myself lately, some of which I detailed in my post regarding the relationship within me between the physical and spiritual, I think the theme for this year is discipline. More specifically discipline springing forth from God's love.

Here's the thing, and I know for some of you this may be elementary Christianity 101 (although I'm fairly certain there is a huge camp of Christians that will be like I was in this), this is not an attitude of discipline so I will look the part in order to win His approval and look acceptable to those around me. That's the old mask, living the life of good intentions and self effort. Feigning spiritual disciple as a way to make myself righteous.

What discipline springing forth from God's love is living in the truth that I'm already accepted by God. He knows my brokenness and embraces me in spite of it. My core need for love is met by Him. It is the freedom to pursue Him knowing that my success or failure does not make Him love me more or less. Discipline becomes the response to love rather than the precursor to earning it.

I knew that the former was a trick of the enemy. But while my head knew it, my heart did not. The truth had not yet made the descent. Ironically, my effort was keeping the descent from happening. Harder I tried the more isolated from God I felt. Funny how that works.

This year's theme is perfectly timed by God. I'm coming out of the desert, with all the stresses and temptations that will bring with it. Spiritual leadership must spring forth from the spiritual life; a life of making myself fully known to God. Abandonment of the spiritual life, misplacing that priority, not living in trust, living the lie would likely (or certainly) lead the the same spiral of futility that I've already experienced.

I can't wait to see what God is going to bring in the next year (or decade). Experience has shown me an overwhelming majority of Christians leading the spiritual life I formerly did. The mask, the lie, the self effort, the loneliness. My prayer is that God will use what I learned in the desert to help me lead people to begin their journey inward and ultimately to a fruitful relationship of living out of the abundance of God's love.