Happy New Year!

I spent the New Year aboard a cruise ship, so this particular entry is a couple days late. But, I figured better better late than waiting until next New Year's Eve when none of this will make any sense. By the way, nothing like a cruise vacation as far as unplugging. On a ship in international waters, no phone, texts, tweets, computer, email, nothing buy my family and a choice book or two. Love it.

What an astounding year it has been. Started with the ultimate low of having to admit to my wife and closest friends how far I fell and ended with an ever increasing awareness of the joys of living in the grace of God. It was a year in the desert. A year of restoration and discovering trust. A year of working on a resurrected marriage rather than a resuscitating an old one. A year of taking the awkward, sometimes painful steps on the journey to strength. And a year that has ended with God allowing me the blessing of a second chance. God has done too much.

Looking ahead is humbling and overwhelming. I start a new job tomorrow. God's timing, yet He let me in on the timeline from the beginning. A reward for trying to learn the discipline of being still? Whatever it is I may not sleep tonight. My head is joyfully aswim with ideas and possibilities.

There is a new dimension to my calling. I feel it so clearly. Like giving birth. A book. I don't know where it will lead, but since God is calling me there, I will follow. Trust. Writing, proclaiming is not something I feel sure of, but I am sure of the one who restored me. So I'll make the steps.

So what of 2011? As I think about what I have begun to learn about myself lately, some of which I detailed in my post regarding the relationship within me between the physical and spiritual, I think the theme for this year is discipline. More specifically discipline springing forth from God's love.

Here's the thing, and I know for some of you this may be elementary Christianity 101 (although I'm fairly certain there is a huge camp of Christians that will be like I was in this), this is not an attitude of discipline so I will look the part in order to win His approval and look acceptable to those around me. That's the old mask, living the life of good intentions and self effort. Feigning spiritual disciple as a way to make myself righteous.

What discipline springing forth from God's love is living in the truth that I'm already accepted by God. He knows my brokenness and embraces me in spite of it. My core need for love is met by Him. It is the freedom to pursue Him knowing that my success or failure does not make Him love me more or less. Discipline becomes the response to love rather than the precursor to earning it.

I knew that the former was a trick of the enemy. But while my head knew it, my heart did not. The truth had not yet made the descent. Ironically, my effort was keeping the descent from happening. Harder I tried the more isolated from God I felt. Funny how that works.

This year's theme is perfectly timed by God. I'm coming out of the desert, with all the stresses and temptations that will bring with it. Spiritual leadership must spring forth from the spiritual life; a life of making myself fully known to God. Abandonment of the spiritual life, misplacing that priority, not living in trust, living the lie would likely (or certainly) lead the the same spiral of futility that I've already experienced.

I can't wait to see what God is going to bring in the next year (or decade). Experience has shown me an overwhelming majority of Christians leading the spiritual life I formerly did. The mask, the lie, the self effort, the loneliness. My prayer is that God will use what I learned in the desert to help me lead people to begin their journey inward and ultimately to a fruitful relationship of living out of the abundance of God's love.