Thursday, June 24, 2010

Father Forgive Me

I wrote most of this blog entry on March 25th but never posted it. Never felt done to me; something was missing. After talking with a friend yesterday, we stumbled onto the one missing fragment that would make all this bind together.

"Father forgive me." I remember saying that to the priest every week when I was a kid. In case I haven't mentioned or you forgot, I grew up Roman Catholic. The whole confession thing made a huge impression on me, a scar that had been with me up until recently. Forgiveness was earned. That was the truth seared into my soul. There were hoops to jump through, it was all about religion. That was the impression the practice of confession and penance left upon my adolescent mind. Do what it takes to keep God happy.

Of course, I am not knocking confession. That is a necessity for a transparent, authentic relationship. We are to confess to one another; it is the idea that someone doles out forgiveness or the steps to forgiveness in the place of God. In fact, there's only supposed to be one intermediary between God and man...but I digress slightly.

Confession is for God. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and forgives our sins. No mention of Hail Marys, rosaries, or Our Fathers. Just forgiveness. Grace given to us from the hand of God.

This is an idea that struck me as I was reading about David and Bathsheba. When confronted by Nathan, David says "I have sinned against the Lord." Not that he hadn't also sinned against Bathsheba, Uriah, Joab, and even Nathan as he indignantly lied to his face. But David knew where forgiveness started.
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. - Psalm 51:4

With my new perspective, when I read the account of David and Nathan I understand why David came to this conclusion. God had anointed David king. He delivered him from the hand of Saul. God gave him the house of Israel and Judah. If that wasn't enough, He then promised if that was too little David would have been given more. David was thumbing his nose at God and defying His law. As if David made his own way as king. Or as if he could now go his own way. It was a bold faced denial of God's sovereign power in his life. Like a dare. I dare you God to take it away.

I did the same thing. Ignored God. Put my pursuit of Him on hold. Denied my heart for Him and made the pursuit of my happiness the main thing. It worked out poorly for David and likewise it worked out poorly for me.

My pursuit of happiness caused me to focus on everyone else's sins. How my wife was wronging me. Perceived betrayal by friends. Anyone who tried to get in my way was automatically deemed wrong. Didn't matter what they said.

So it is from this vantage point that I understand David's seemingly oblivious words that it was against God alone that he sinned. Until I sought forgiveness from God, I was incapable of seeking forgiveness from anyone else. That realization had to be first. It's the lynch pin. Without God's forgiveness nothing else of value can happen. Against him alone had I sinned.

It did not just apply to seeking forgiveness, but offering it as well. I could not genuinely offer my wife my forgiveness until I was forgiven by God. I could not forgive others until I had received the grace that God promises.

I would always say I'd forgiven my wife. In truth I was just burying it. You're supposed to look the part of the happy, well-adjusted couple, right? That was the mask I was wearing. The pit I was stuck in. Mr. Forgiveness. Only it was a facade. My expectations of her were still intact. I wanted to say I'd forgiven because I wanted to get.

For me it was a hard place to get to, receiving God's grace. Accepting myself, imperfections and all. Realizing God loves me and knows all about the imperfections. He wants to grow me beyond them, but first I have to acknowledge awareness of my weaknesses and lay them at His feet. Stop only playing the part and put the mask away.

One of the results of finally being able to accept and live in the grace and mercy of God has been a return of my love for people. Not a selfish love because of the affirmation or affection I could get, but love born out of love and forgiveness. He who is forgiven much forgives much. By gratefully receiving, I have a greater desire to give. It is freedom - freedom from expectations, freedom from worldly measures of wealth, freedom from the mask - free to be who God made me. All because I accepted a forgiveness that I didn't earn.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Walls, Landmines, and Balance

I am a pretty linear guy. Maybe it is the math background, proving something by letting one piece of information lead to the next. Or maybe my nature is why math was appealing to me in the first place. You can hear it when I speak, whether in a class or in church. This linear quality also appears in that I like to finish one task before starting another. Not that I can't have many things going simultaneously, but I like things linear. Crossing things off lists. Making a beeline for the destination. When I drive, I don't like to stop except for gas, so do all your business when the tank is empty.

[Semi-amusing recollection - just before my wife and I married, I had accepted a job out of state. So my future mother-in-law came with us as we were doing a housing search. Six hours in the car and this woman wanted to hit every yard sale and rest area that we passed. That's just wrong on a long trip - you need to make progress.]

Anyway, I bring this up because the journey that I am taking toward strength is anything but linear. It's like being able to see where you want to go, there is even a straight path possible, but the path is replete with landmines to navigate and walls that can pop-up out of the ground unexpectedly. Like an episode of Wipeout.

Ever see that show? People spend a lot of time jumping from platform to platform to avoid rotating obstacles, streams of water, and falling into a pool of cold water. When they first see a obstacle they are so focused on their feet and maintaining their balance that they often miss whatever is being swung at them. Balance is the key. Watching where you step.

This is my present struggle on the journey to strength because of course the journey is more complicated than just overcoming my learned passivity. My wife has some crud that she is dealing with. We have improper roles and behaviors that we've learned and taken on. She also struggles with her reaction to male strength after growing up with an abusive father.

Abuse is strength used to demean and take advantage; it is unhealthy and not a true picture of what godly strength looks like. But it is hard for her right now to tell the difference. It all feels the same - which I am sure is why my being passive was the path of least resistance in our relationship. The awful consequence of which is that we both took on roles in our relationship that were opposite our design. I could lead and be respected everywhere but the place it mattered most. Frustration and emasculation for me. She feels like she can not relinquish control out of her fear of trusting her security to someone else. My wife is not able to enjoy the fruits of being a woman in a loving, godly relationship.

So as I try to walk to the goal of being strong in my marriage I have to watch my step and maintain my balance. Not so much worrying about how I might swing the pendulum the other direction and wear stained wife beater t-shirts around the house, slick my hair back, and demand dinner on the table WHEN I ARRIVE HOME! My path butts up against the walls she has built. Occasionally I step on a landmine that I didn't know was there and she struggles to communicate to me.

Recently I stepped on one of these landmines (as I am sure I do often, but we were able to identify this one). Sometimes I tend to be evasive in my answers. My main reason for doing this with my wife is usually about my fear of being inadequate. Several weeks ago I was evasive about why I had not yet fixed the sprinkler system. I felt more than a little stupid because I did not know the problem. Rather than face my fear and tell her I feel like less than a macho man, I told her that it would get done. She perceived this as I was letting things slide and didn't care that something was broken. For me it was fear. For her it was a broken promise and loss of trust.

I've got to balance facing my own fears versus reacting out of hurt. I'm afraid of being a disappointment. I'm afraid of not being loved. I'm afraid that I'm inadequate. If I were to continue living in my fears then I'd always be a passive people-pleaser. That really sums up my journey. Not being bound by fear. Stepping forward. Giving others the opportunity to meet up with my fears and potentially hurt me. Especially my wife. My struggle here, and the balance I have a hard time maintaining is being reactive in my hurt. Either wanting to repay the hurt or run away from it. It is hard to maintain balance when you know something is going to hurt, especially when, because of her own stuff, I don't think my wife understands why I am in pain - my desire to be respected and admired by her.

I've got to balance giving her the space to process her emotional and spiritual scars and heal from them verses making her aware of my feelings and desires for our relationship. It is the balance of not backing off too much and not pressing too hard. This is a process. I don't want us to regress to a place that is more comfortable. The path of least resistance leads back to where we were. In our relationship, it is going to be painful to make improvement. Cleaning out a wound is messy. Resetting a broken bone is painful. But the result is worth it. It takes time and effort. This is where I come up against the walls. My struggle is that I get frustrated and have a tendency to create expectations. It is sometimes hard to see progress when you are in the middle of something, like noticing the growth in your child versus the growth change in a kid you see once a year.

I've got to balance communicating and guiding as a loving husband versus becoming a teacher/counselor or pushing her dad buttons. My wife is going to reject any leadership in which I act as her dad, checking up on her. Since I love to do it for others, I easily fall into the trap of counseling or teaching her. Not providing what she needs, just providing the answers. This too has been a struggle. I am the Hank Haney of relationships; I can diagnose and tell you how to improve yours and all the while miss out of practicing the techniques in my own relationship. My leadership has to be by example. Without expectations. Making my wife my primary ministry. Guiding her through the healing process by going first and talking about what God is doing. Remembering what God is doing and living out of the change.

Maintaining balance is tough. I fall often. But while it is not linear, I am making huge progress. Two steps forward and one step back means that you are a step ahead of where you were. My hope is that soon I will begin to be the man my wife will finally find the joy of being a woman around. Taking down her walls for me and giving her respect and admiration in return. That sounds worth the effort.

Monday, June 14, 2010

This Blog Is Better Than The Notebook

Have you noticed that every romantic movie, aimed at women, now claims in big letters on the box that "This movie is better than The Notebook!"? It's annoying and also a red flag that the movie is going to be a let down. I didn't enjoy The Notebook, but if I did I would be super wary of these new releases claiming to be the heir apparent.

Today's topic is women. When trying to think of some catchy title for the blog all I could think of was that movie and one thought led to another and BAM - bad blog title. The first paragraph was just a segway between the meaningless title of this blog and the actual body.

Not sure if lingo will be a problem today, but I really feel prompted to share this. More specifically than women is the idea of womanhood. What Larry Crabb calls femininity. What God designed women to be. Several months ago I listened to a conference Dr. Crabb gave regarding masculinity and femininity. It's been awhile, but if memory serves, he formulates his definitions from the Hebrew roots of male and female in Genesis.

Biblical masculinity remembers God and creates order by entering into darkness and chaos. That is strength, overcoming fear to make the first steps. In the garden, Adam broke from the mold God made for him by standing silently and passively by while Eve was tempted.

For women, Dr. Crabb defines femininity as the ability to reveal the invitational nature of God. True masculinity and femininity complement each other to form intimacy in varying degrees depending upon the nature of the relationship.

In my life this has been a struggle that I've been unaware of until recently. How do I respond to true biblical womanhood? Examples have been for the most part lacking in my life. My mom manipulates (Now let me make a disclaimer: after my blogs regarding my dad I had some a comment to the effect - I'm sure your dad was doing the best he could. That is totally true. My parents love me and I love them, of that I have no doubt. This is just observation, not judgment.) Mom will manipulate by making comments, then if you respond she will say "Oh, I was just kidding." She'll exaggerate. She is the queen of expecting you to read between the lines and know what she wants and if you don't she'll be hurt. Manipulative femininity.

I had an inappropriate relationship with someone who used her femininity for evil. To seduce and destroy. (Again a disclaimer: in no way am I shirking my responsibility for my actions. Only stating the reality that I was not alone in doing wrong.) Destructive femininity.

My wife, because of her own struggles, tends to hold me at a distance. Intimacy is not possible because she has not accepted herself as a loved and valuable daughter of God. Despite her stated desires that we be close, she still has the first impulse to run. Unapproachable femininity.

For differing reasons and to varying degrees, each of these struggles to reveal the invitational nature of God. As I make the journey from passivity to strength, as I have detailed before, it become important for me to respond appropriately to femininity.

Having little exposure to that has taught me to respond selfishly. With my wife I developed expectations and demands of her behavior. In the case of my mom, I attempt to please her to gain approval. And I responded to the seductive femininity by selfishly attempting to be my own god.

Case in point, my wife has a friend who does not like to hug. For whatever reason. But I do. In fact, I am a very affectionate person, so in this area we are diametrically opposed. So, I've hugged her anyway. Joked about it, even told her that maybe I can teach her to enjoy a hug. In effect, I made the entire interaction about me. "If she liked me, she'd hug me." This is obviously not true, but instead of looking to all the ways she shows her friendship, I used this one thing as a litmus test.

Bottom line is that if I am going to become strong, biblical man then I need to be able to remember who God is, face my own fears, and be able to communicate through word and action the purposes of God. That is not a selfish endeavor. In fact, it is considerable other-centered. It is the example left by Christ. Doing the will of God rather than your own will, eyes focused on the things of God rather than the things of man. Submitting to Him. Denying myself.

With women in particular, it means taking words as face value. Being grateful for complements and praise rather than feeling guilty. It means respecting boundaries. For me and my wife, it means that I set boundaries, not withdraw, and do my best to step forward and provide order and security in her world at the level appropriate for a husband. I'm not to be her god, I am to serve her and serve God.

None of this may make sense to whoever is reading this blog. A lot of the thoughts are a combination of stuff I've read, counseling sessions, and a Larry Crabb lecture series. It's a blog so I left a lot undefined. That's OK. Skip on to yesterday's, it is better with a more meaningful title. But in these last few paragraphs I think I figured out why God wanted me to type this out today. My fears have defined more that just my relationship with God. I knew that, but I've just seen how. More than ever I am choosing to trust.

Just Say No

So I was drinking from a dangerous cocktail. My relationship with God was being defined by my performance, I was throwing myself into my work as a way to comfort myself through my marriage issues, and I was a people pleaser with a high desire for affirmation.

But what made things even worse is that I was good at what I was doing. My relational style of leadership is good at building people up and getting the most out of them. My organizational skills and vision are at least above average. My capacity to formulate a plan, get people on board and get things done is high. Just sayin'. Sometimes I feel like I focus so much on my failings in this blog, it feels good to finally point out a positive.

Problem was: this positive was both a blessing and a curse. Effectiveness leads to more affirmation and thus more opportunity. Not wanting to let anyone down led to more 'yes' answers when presented with opportunity. It was a cycle. Fueled by pride. With no one looking out for me, and me not looking out for myself, I was gradually became overwhelmed. Sometimes unable to face my list for the day because there was so much on it. Meeting on top of meeting. Training, recruiting, and encouraging leaders. Counseling. Teaching. Visiting. Little time for reflecting, planning or evaluating. Certainly not for meditating or praying.

At the root, though, was not a desire to glorify God. The unspoken desire of my heart was to glorify myself. Seeking the affirmation I desire. Validation for who I was; my calling and my relationship with God. I couldn't say no; I wanted things to rely on me - and for the most part I got my wish.

Everyone has a limited capacity. Whether or not you train leaders to carry forth your vision, there is only so much time for that as well. So rather than doing anything great, I was doing a lot of things well. (Another nefarious strategy of mine was to call other churches. Partly out of a desire to learn, but also partly to gloat about how much better I was doing than they were. Uplifting stuff.) Comparison with others was a main method of evaluation, rather than looking at my gift set, potential or calling.

Brokenness will change your pride. Losing (or giving away) everything will change your outlook. As I begin to answer the rumblings of ministry again - The Calling - I'm more focused. What do I say yes to and what no? What tasks or opportunities would benefit from my skill and gift set and what could anyone else do? Decision making 101 - focus on what to say yes or no to. My identity is not dependent on my performance, it is rooted in Christ.

I don't want my family short-changed. They deserve the best of me, not what is left over. Particularly my wife. Previously I was able to rationalize starving her of my attention because I wasn't getting what I needed. Regardless of my needs, my God given responsibility is to my relationship with her. Other-centered love rather than self-centered. Sounds like another blog topic.

I don't want my ministry short-changed. God has uniquely gifted me. (How many people-oriented, pastoral, mathematicians do you know?) Saying yes to everything non-discriminantly, no matter how good, may cause me to miss out on the main thing(s) God has for me.

Anything that comes my way will have to pass through this new filter. Even more, my wife is included in the decision making/prayer process; gathering her perspective on the drain to my time of any new opportunity. I've always wanted her to have part ownership of my ministry and this is one way that will happen. This is about both of us and I don't want her to again resent my job as she would a mistress. For me it is a calling, the 'job' is part of me. Her encouragement and support is necessary; I've done ministry having to fight against her opposition. Balance.

As I've said before, my journey is toward strength. Strength has boundaries. Boundaries are enforced. Enforcement takes strength. In mathematics that's called the transitive property (I always enjoy throwing in a good math reference.) It may involve letting some people down, but 'no' is becoming part of my vocabulary. I've already thrown it out there a couple times. Good opportunities to make a difference. But they weren't the best thing for me, not what God is drawing me toward.

The end result of this is that I'll be even more effective. Soaring with my strengths. Doing the things I am made for in the quantities that I'm made for. Saying 'no' is a challenge. But it is freeing not being tied to people's expectations.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Who I Am In Christ

As I have been describing, my failure did not pop up out of nowhere. It was the result of a confluence of events that led to a crisis of belief and a desire to meet my needs my own way. One of the things that got lost was my proper view of God. Well, let me say that again, living out of a proper view of God. There is a difference.

I knew who God was. Enough so that I could effectively counsel, encourage, confront and lead. In my head I knew, but my heart was not feeling it. I'd lost my ability to walk my talk. This didn't happen overnight, it was a gradual erosion as well as a reaction to not having the tools to take apart my wall. Spiritually I went to a state of comfort - a spirituality based on doing stuff. As long as I looked the part everything would be fine.

Immediately after my confession and resigning my position, the church I worked for offered to send me to a retreat in Colorado to begin the healing process. It would seem that, since I did not come back 'fixed', the trip was a waste. But it wasn't. It lay the foundation for me to be able to finally look at myself.

Unfortunately, because of my resentment, loneliness, and anger, I still had further to fall, but what I learned in Colorado would be my net. As the reality of my life got more and more chaotic, the truths that I learned were constantly in my thoughts and created the basis for God to be able to work His miracle.

One of the refreshing things about the counselor was that, for the first time, I felt like I was able to just be honest without fear of condemnation or consequence. A couple thousand miles away from home and disconnected from my church's leadership, what did I have to lose?

For one of my afternoon assignments, I was to construct an Identity Statement In Christ. I needed to get back to basics. My pride was disarmed by the good doctor describing his crisis and the identity statement he constructed. If it was good enough for him, then again, what did I have to lose?

So I was given a list of almost a hundred truths in the Bible to look up and meditate on. From those, as well as any others that came to mind, I was supposed to select the ones that God was using to speak directly to me. After my counselor and I talked through all these, I was instructed to write a letter to Jesus. And read it. And read it again. And again.

It was a great process. For me I was able to look up the verses while hiking 8 miles up an 8000 foot elevation. Forget the name of the mountain, but won't forget the views or how God spoke. I recommend this assignment for everyone. It will take a couple days and maybe someone to process with, but it is worth the effort. (I'll try to figure out how to link a pdf to my blog. Until then, if you want to list of a hundred truths to give you a start, just email me.)

So I submit to you, my finished letter to Christ...

Jesus,

I rejoice that you have made me your child (John 1:12) causing you to care about every aspect of my life regardless of my performance (Matthew 7:9 – 11). As your child, I am assured that you will never leave nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).

Even more God, we are friends (John 15:15). And as my friend I do not have to fear condemnation (Romans 8:1 – 2, 35), rejection for who I am, or that I will ever be alone (Ephesians 2:18). In fact, you have promised to even work in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

While you are calling me to holiness and obedience (1 Corinthians 6:19 – 20; 1 Samuel 15:22), you do not expect perfection (1 John 1:8 – 10). I am a work in progress (Ephesians 2:10; Philippians 1:6), your “Poema” or work of art that you are still chipping away at.

Thank you for this confidence that I can have in you, God, for you do not lie (Numbers 23:19, 20). It allows me to be real and bold in Christ (2 Timothy 1:7) as I seek to trust your plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11). You have made me to love you and love people (Matthew 22:37 – 39) and I long to give myself away (Philippians 3:8) as I do your will (John 6:38) – you are everything to me.

I cannot get distracted by any rejection from the world (John 16:33) for I am your pleasure (Ephesians 1:5; Zephaniah 3:17) and I exist to please you and not men (Galatians 1:10) with my authenticity. I must guard my heard (Proverbs 4:23) against falling into the trap of pleasing you with my performance, but rather must have a reckless trust in your goodness and faithfulness (Psalm 100:5).

Thank you Jesus for the confidence that comes from knowing you love me no matter what (Hebrews 4:16).

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I Can Handle It!

I was looking for hand soap. You know, the little pump bottle that sits by your sink. Only, to show my love and support for my wife struggle with OCD, I was looking for the Lysol no hands soap dispensing system at Target. This was a surprise for her. My wife likes to wash her hands a lot. Although, this did involve a gadget thus my sense of manliness was heightened.

Trouble was, in the rows and rows of junk none of us really needs at Target, I could not find this little electronic device. Thought it'd be with the other hand soap dispensers - the low tech hand pumps. I actually went down the aisle twice, because where else was it going to be. Certainly not with the croc pots. Or the digital cameras. The primary purpose of this thing is to dispense soap. Where in the world was it.

Just as I was starting to feel like 'no good deed goes unpunished', I decided to do what men rarely do. Especially men who are looking for an automatic soap dispenser at Target (what, are you too LAZY to pump your own soap?).

I asked for directions.

The good lady in a red shirt and khakis walked with me to the liquid soap aisle, probably wondering why men couldn't figure this out for themselves. (As an aside, why is it necessary to have an entire aisle for liquid soap? Excessive?) Apparently I had neglected to look behind the pole that was in front of the shelves. Great location. Right behind the support pole holding up the roof of the Target store was a single row of this new item from Lysol. Well, at least asking for directions paid off.

Actually, it was very freeing to ask for help. No longer did I have to manage the problem, it was someone else's responsibility. If only I could have done that with the larger issue in my life. As I've mentioned before, my root sin was pride. Huge pride. Because of it, I couldn't let anyone help me.

So I diligently wore my mask. Not letting anyone see the real me, the pain I was feeling, or how lost, alone, frustrated and discouraged I usually felt. That's not how Christ followers are supposed to feel, right. I can handle it. No help or guidance necessary. Pride.

This was part of the wall I encountered that I touched on some in the last blog. In order to manage God, rather than letting him lead me in submission or realize my dependence, I worked. In my mind I equated my relationship with God with my performance and approval. My life was concealed behind the mask. Marriage had to be fine. I had to feign a connection to God that I rarely felt.

Only problem, was that underneath the mask, I was still longing for intimacy. A good desire. One implanted within us by God. We are to seek it first and foremost from Him. Like everything else, good things can quickly turn bad when we try to handle it ourselves.

That was my problem. So when I 'became friends' with a woman at church, I knew I could handle it. As boundaries that I had established for my behavior kept getting erased and redrawn, I knew I could handle it. As I continued to lie to God, myself, and others, I knew that I could handle it. As I hid my cell phone from the sight of everyone around me, I knew that I could handle it. As I made excuses to be out of the house, I know I could handle it. As my behavior got further and further away from Christ likeness, I knew I could handle it.

Behind my mask I had become what I hated. A pastoral cliche. Someone I had read articles about on ChristianityToday.com. Someone I had vowed never to be. (Peter replied, "Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will." More symmetry in my life with Peter.)

The mask was getting too tight. Unfortunately, I wore the mask pretty well. The Monday before I resigned, I was at a poorly attended prayer night at church. Everything was a mess and I knew it. I was starting to come to realization that I couldn't handle the way I was. (Yet, even in this moment my desire wasn't to submit my will to God, I knew how to solve the problem...another time for that one). So I asked another pastor to pray for me. All I told him was my life was a mess and I didn't know what to do.

His response, "I shouldn't be praying for you, you should pray for me, my life is the one that's a mess." (btw, he did pray for me, he wasn't being callous, I'm just illustrating how 'effective' I was). In that moment, there was a part of me happy. Pride was winning.

Everything did fall apart soon after. In fact, 'fall apart' is gentle. Exploded is better. That's a blog for a different day. Looking back, it is sometimes hard to know what I could have done differently. So many different things were wrong. It is easy to prescribe solutions from this side of growing strength and spiritual health. Bottom line is that I didn't have to spiritual tools to deal with my marriage. I lacked humility and forgiveness. I was following my happiness rather than Jesus.

For whatever reason, I also lacked someone to talk to. Someone outside the work environment; strong enough to hold me accountable. Someone that wasn't expecting anything from me. Maybe a professional, but definitely connected to God, the source of wisdom and life. If allowed only one change, that'd be the one I'd make.

I couldn't handle it. Just like being in Target, it is very freeing to have someone to walk the journey with you.

Monday, June 7, 2010

The Wall

During my time in college, there was one requirement that was seemingly universal for all students and it had nothing to do with SAT test, grade point averages or the freshman fifteen. It was ownership of a certain classic album. In the day of CD's, (wow, yet another 'back in my day' story. they are accumulating fast.) this was a double album. On typical college campuses this album was more universal than taking chemistry. It was Pink Floyd's The Wall.

I'll admit that I owned a copy. Listened to it once. Well, ok, I'll be totally honest, I listened to three-quarters of it once. I just didn't get it. The entire thing seemed like just a bunch of nonsense to me. Yet I kept it. Firmly entrenched in my wooden CD rack for all to see. Yes, of course I wanted to meet the requirements to attend college!

The guys who lived below me in the dorm also owned it and listened to it frequently - at least to Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2). They even had some very creative lyrics that I cannot possibly type here.


All and all it's just a...nother brick in the wall.

Now the lyrics loop has started in my head. Just great. This moment in classic rock has been brought to you (and I'm enduring the lyrics loop) so that I could bring up the subject of The Wall, because long before I acted out of my desperation I had him my own wall.

Not that I knew it at the time. After some reading about spiritual formation, it's a descriptor that I've put on my spiritual life in hindsight. The wall. Part of the inner struggle with the emotional stuff we bring to the table when we dine with Christ. Not sure that my emotional stuff was that severe compared to so many others, but that may be why it was so dangerous - crouching their unaddressed because they were not taken seriously. I don't have no stinkin' issues!

Here's the thing that hard experience has taught me about spiritual walls...they don't go away. You can't tunnel under them, jump over them or plow through them. In fact, there is really no way to ignore them. You can pretend to, but your wall (junk, issues, soul damage, or whatever you want to call it) will be there affecting your walk with Christ.

The issues that I was having in my close relationships, but my marriage in particular, brought me up face to face with my wall. I had doubts. Lots of questions of God. Maintaining connection with God was tough. I've since learned that this is a normal and healthy point to be at; part of our spiritual growth. Only I took it that something was wrong. I must be doing the wrong things if my relationship with God was this tough.

So I went back to where I was comfortable, where I felt on solid ground. Back to DOING stuff. Determinedly pressing on. Only I didn't know I was going backward, I just thought I had gotten around my hurdle, my wall. My job as pastor became my identity, especially my spiritual identity. Forming an unhealthy cord of three strands with my job was my expectation of approval and search for intimacy.

That seemed to make things better for awhile. Yet it was still there. Still being ignored. My wall. Little did I realize at the time that the strategy I had developed to ignore the affects of my issues on my relationship was setting me up for crisis. I was perverting the grace of God, creating an idol of my desire for happiness.

You see, the only was to get rid of your wall is to dismantle it. Piece by messy piece. That is what my original discontent was all about. I'd gotten to the edge and I needed to turn my spiritual attention inward. Allow the power of Christ to help you deal with your stuff.

And I missed it by a mile.

I think some of this discomfort at looking at my own stuff came from a misconception that I think is common among Christians. We are told that in Christ we are a new creation. The old is gone and the new is come. With that new creation comes an expectation that our struggles of old, the hurts, the habits, the thought processes all automatically disappear.

More magic pill Christianity. So, when we still struggle or when the old struggles resurface (as they will) we get discouraged. God may be allowing the issue to surface. He wants to work it for our good. Now that we are in Christ we can process it with the mind of Christ. We can be drawn deeper into the arms of God. Instead we refuse this opportunity for God to work good. We cover our shame (Adam and Eve anyone?) and we beat ourselves up for still being damaged. Why wouldn't we be? While God can clearly work miracles without us, in the Bible He usually responds to a step of faith by us.

The old indeed has gone. Old way of thinking. Old way of avoidance. Old way of pursuing our own happiness. Old way of coping with life out of our own strength. All gone. It is replaced by the new. Being in Christ. Taking our burden to Him. Allowing Him into our pain. What has come is the ability for healing, but the issue needs to have light shone on it.

I'd taken the magic pill and I was choking on it. Choking on my expectations and insecurities. Passivity. Retreating in conflict. Fear of rejection. Pride. Fear of disappointing others. Approval addiction. And a distrust of God. That is quite the list. Turns out I had more issues that I imagined.

The good news is that the wall is coming down. Brick by brick. The job is a little taller now because of the damage I did in my crisis. But I am developing the tools to overcome. Brokenness before God. Gratitude. Contentment in Christ. A few close men who can ask me anything and themselves who have to strength to pry. Someone to provide counsel.

I'm looking forward to what is on the other side of the wall.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Delighting in God

Each night I have tried to make it my consistent discipline to go for a walk or run and along the way memorize a verse of scripture. Without intending it, this has really turned out to be a very fruitful time for me. Usually when I get home I have to scramble for a notebook to write down the observations and applications that come to mind as I meditate on the verse. Actually, because trying to remember a decent thought tends to restrain the flow, I bought a digital voice recorder, which may be one of the coolest things I own. Make me feel like a spy or a private eye.

Apparently I've always been one who thinks better when his limbs are preoccupied (maybe that's why my legs fidget in meetings). While in college, if I got stuck doing a mathematical proof, I'd just take a walk across the enormous University of Florida campus and by the time I'd get from point A to point B the proof would be done and ready to write down. Not bragging (well, maybe just a little bragging), just exposing my inner nerd.

So I'm sitting in my cube at work reading though the notebook of my thoughts that arise from these walks and I came across and entry from a couple months ago that I intended to make part of my blogoshpere because the thoughts I had were particularly relevant to my present circumstance.

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it for the glory of God. - 1 Corinthians 10:31

Eating or drinking are really pretty menial things. Like breathing, which could also be put on this list, we hardly offer a thought to our next breath. Most of us reading this hardly offer a second thought about the reality of our next meal or drink of water. We just assume it. Do you know how much of the world outside of America has running water? The percentage is smaller than you would probably guess. At least it was for me.

Yet even these activities that seem to fade our of our consciousness are to be done for the glory of God. That is to be our hearts desire in all of life's circumstances. Usually when I think about doing something for the glory of God, I think of cancer patients, marriages being reconciled, saving a baby from a burning building, landing on the moon - you know, the really dramatic, huge moments that everyone notices. Not the mundane. Certainly not the things that I have to do or else risk death, like eating or drinking.

I've come to realize that it is exactly because these activities are mundane and unnoticed that they are to be the first place we think to bring glory to God. John Piper has a thesis statement in his book Desiring God that he uses as the subject of every chapter. His statement is the reworking of an old confession...

The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever.

Having joy in all circumstances as the Bible makes clear. According to Piper, that one think is our chief concern. That was God's intent for our relationship in the Garden of Eden. Everything else flows from our enjoyment of God. People around us in our relationships and circle of influence, no matter how large or small, will see and should be influenced by our enjoyment of God. This become our witness to the world of the power of our marvelous God.

It's all about enjoying God. Having trust that no matter what, no matter what things look like in our close-up, near-sighted view, God has our back in the big picture. Not only trusting him for eternal life, but trusting Him for our enjoyment OF HIM in this life. Notice it is not about enjoying this life but enjoying Him in this life. Getting our minds off of material prosperity and on spiritual thriving. The things of man versus the things of God.

Whatever my circumstances and however they may differ from my desires - at Keiser University, resurrecting my marriage, changes in the number of relationship I have, seeking a fruitful way to serve Him - enjoying Him is enough. Sadly, for a long season, that was not enough. As I played god of my life I sought enjoyment seemingly everywhere else but God. All of it left me wanted more - as evidenced by my continuing and deepening frustration with the circumstances of my life.

Enjoying Him needs to be enough. In fact, before I can have joy in the things that I want and the things that I think God has called me to, I must have joy now in this season of dissatisfaction. Otherwise my joy will be circumstantial and short lived. I'll be back on the same roller coaster that got me to this place.

I can't look past this time, which is hard because I want to run, run, run. I'm excited about what God is doing, but this is a time of refining. A time to choose to trust in the faithfulness of God and also to begin to demonstrate my new found trust in Him. Let my actions match the words of my heart. A time to let God bring things to me as He determines that I am ready.

To be totally honest, so far this has been a pretty easy perspective to maintain and I think that I am just now beginning to see the fruit of embracing the 'holy dissatisfaction'. Enjoying God when I have every worldly reason not to. Thank you God that it is your desire that I delight in you.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Father's Day

Soon after I returned to the wife of my youth (as the Proverbs recommend), my daughter, wife and I ended up at Wet 'n' Wild. My daughter and I love water parks and could stay until we were both pruned beyond recognition. On the other hand, my wife tolerates them and would much rather lay in the chair sunning herself. Since this was one of our first family days since my return, she was choosing to tough it out. Thanks, mamacita, for taking one for the team!!!

Anyway, picture the three of us together in a family raft, all facing each other and about to go down a long and steep water slide. As the nice lifeguard let us drift to the edge, my daughter looks me dead in the eyes and screams "THIS IS THE BEST FAMILY EVER!" Admittedly her sample size for that statement is statistically small, but it was amazing to me that she would even say that. I actually cried on the way down the slide, which is a great time for a grown man to publicly shed tears - while getting splashed in the face going down a water slide.

It really does give you insight as to why Christ said we should have a childlike faith. After the three month stretch she had been put through by me and my selfish actions, my daughter was so happy that I was home and that our family was restored that she wanted to yell (and she takes after me in being very, very loud) for the entire ride line to hear. Instant forgiveness. Love without question. A wiping clean of the slate. I'm aware that there are probably some trust issues deep down that in time will need help; she may have to live with them in her own marriage. We'll confront those as they pop up, if they do become a reality. But for now I get to delight in my daughter's love. I'm daddy. Thank God I didn't destroy that.

To be totally upfront with you, I don't feel like dad of the year and I've been really dreading Father's Day. How can I be celebrated? It was the same way on my birthday last October; I just wanted to the day to pass unnoticed and unmentioned. Maybe next year we could remember the day, but not this year. Much like my birthday, though, the choice is not mine. You don't get to choose if or when you get to be celebrated, I guess. Some people choose to ignore the question of whether you deserve it or not and do it anyway.

At my birthday it was my mom-in-law. She and her husband have always been super generous with us and literally expect nothing in return. They drove way out of their way and gave up some vacation time to come and take me to dinner on my birthday. Gave me a nice gift too. And generally treated me not like the butt-ugly person I felt like, but as the returned, repentant prodigal husband that they were choosing to forgive. Saying thanks is a true understatement of the value of their actions.

Father's Day is coming up. Like I said, kinda wishing it could go by quietly. Again, not up to me. Apparently my daughter is so excited that she couldn't wait until the 20th, so the digits were reversed and we are celebrating on the 02nd. Tomorrow. A couple weeks ago I was told to plan nothing for tomorrow for my Father's Day celebration was going to be an all day affair.

Of course my daughter, who is 9, could not make her plans reality without the help of my wife. While she is not as far along as my daughter at wiping the slate clean, to me it is saying something about her desire to eventually get to that point that she can enthusiastically help my daughter create an environment to celebrate me being her dad.

I have no idea what is in store. Maybe we'll go to a water park. (My poor wife.) It's not what we do that I care about at all. What I do know is that the day is totally my daughter's idea. I still don't think I am worthy of celebrating, but I am very excited about tomorrow. It's a reminder of restoration and forgiveness. Like God giving me a first and second chance that I didn't deserve, my daughter has held nothing against me. That is a very real, powerful and humbling example of forgiveness. No wonder Jesus told us to have the faith of one of these.

First Steps

Several weeks ago, while at a conference, I had the opportunity to sit in a session on marriage for church leaders hosted by a guy named Joe Beam. I have had a book of his on my 'to be read' shelf for quite awhile so I was intrigued to hear what he would say about marriage to a roomful of current and hopeful pastors.

While most of the session was about how to avoid marital mistakes, he did reveal some of his own story throughout the session. I was surprised by how similar our experiences were. Only difference, he is 23 years removed from his failure - which also was much 'worse' than mine. While a pastor, his unresolved marriage issues and affair actually led him to leave his wife and divorce her - for three years. Graciously she forgave him, both of them looked at the problems they brought to the table, they remarried, and share a fruitful church and marriage ministry.

This was encouraging. An encounter brought about by God, I think because I thought about skipping the session and returning to work. After the talk I made my way to the front, because I had some questions for him about fears and feeling I have. Now, sometimes I get very focused on a goal and getting to the front before a huge line formed was it for me. The expression "it's better to beg forgiveness than ask permission" came to mind as I shouldered a couple people out of the way. Probably I should have used a little more caution around the pair of pregnant ladies walking my way, but the line was so close! When I arrived, (success!), I was third in line, waiting like I was in line to use the bathroom - hopping from foot to foot.

(Please note, much of the above paragraph is hyperbole to emphasize my desire to talk with Mr. Beam. There were no incidents with pregnant ladies or hockey body checks.)

With a long line and only a short time to talk, I was only able to ask a couple questions, which were: Even though I think it's what God wants, do I have a right to want to get back into ministry?, Why should people listen to me? and How did you get back in?

It's the answer to the third question that struck me most, because I had some idea of what he would say to the first two. His reply was "Find someone who believes in you. Not everyone will, but it just takes one. Keep working on building trust." Simple advice, but pretty much out of my hands. I can't make anyone believe in me - more opportunity to be dependent on God.

That brings me to last week. It was special. Humbling, exciting, terrifying, and encouraging all rolled into one week.

Today's blog isn't so much a story of realization, but a reflection on the events of this week. A couple months ago I had been asked if I wanted to fill in and speak at my church on May 30th. Memorial Day??!!?? Are you kidding? Speaking on a day we remember sacrifice and the impact it has had on our lives? I would have said yes to any day, but the symbolism was not lost on me. After my wife and I talked it over and agreed that it was a great opportunity to do something I feel called (or really compelled) to do, I was able to officially say yes.

If you are curious, I decided to put some meat on the Great Expectations blog that I posted some time ago and ask everyone the question "Are you following a Jesus who can do something for you or a Jesus who came to save you?"

It was such a wonderful and interesting process. I have really felt the last few months like God is giving me so much to say. Coming up with the topic was not hard - something that in the past I would have been too intimidated to be confident about. Really, I could have made a series about our expectations from all the notes that I had for this one message. While it was a challenge to focus the message, it was simultaneously encouraging to feel like I had a direct line to God for ideas and information. Until I had to ask Him to stop because it was just too much for one 30 minute message.

Thirty minutes really was the key here. The way services are planned, there is little room for error in time. Going 35 instead of 30 would cause services to overlap, worlds to collide, houses to divide against themselves and no further invitations to speak to follow. That really was my one source of anxiety before. I'm not sure why, maybe it was just this particular message or maybe it is my new confidence and trust in God, but I did not struggle the week before with a cycle thinking "this is great" one moment and "this really sucks" the next. Confidence was the word of the week.

This is not to say that I think the message was flawless. Afterward I have struggled some in reflection, thinking how things could have been said differently, areas I could have made people laugh more. Woulda, shoulda, coulda...I can so easily beat myself up, so I have been trying to focus and enjoy the overwhelming positive responses I received after and between services. Overall, there seemed to be a real connection with the listeners - and thanks to the new glasses, I could see facial reactions quite clearly.

I would like to say thanks to those of you who came to show support. Seeing you there, knowing you were praying for me and rooting for me meant everything.

This week I did learn something about my wife. Her need to see balance out of me when I take on a task I am passionate about. And also my need to communicate (or even over communicate) well with her when I know reality conflicts with her expectations. There was a sprinkler system task that she was worried about and I promised to do it Wednesday afternoon. Yet when she came home I had stopped.

My perspective was that I realized I needed some information she had to proceed. Her perspective was that I was disinterested and had broken my promise. Also, I was befuddled, but did not communicate well that I was struggling to know what the problem was. I think my statement "I have no idea what to do next to solve this problem" came across more as an excuse to her rather than reality. Next time I'll back it up with some reasoning. Unexpected lessons, but good stuff.

Rereading that paragraph, it is coming into focus that my learning to be a biblically strong husband is going to be spurred on by household tasks (coincidentily with water/plumbing???) - like The Front Loading Washing Machine Incident. Great. Maybe the book title is right and love really does begin in the kitchen.

The best part of this week has been my feeling of beginning to take some next steps in the realm of ministry. My attitude has been one of waiting knowing what God wants will happen in His timing; rather than trying to make things happen in my time. I feel like this is a season for me to wait for God to bring things to me. More of the dependence stuff. The opportunity to speak was part of that.

During this same time frame, I learned that there is another person who believes in my ministry future as well. God is way better to me than I deserve. Found out that there may be some opportunities to be a life coach for men in struggling marriages. Something else God is whipping up. Fits well with where I think God is taking me. Good experience to prepare me for working with pastors and church leaders.

Feels good to take some first steps and stretch my legs so to speak. Wherever these steps lead, I am excited to go.