The Wall

During my time in college, there was one requirement that was seemingly universal for all students and it had nothing to do with SAT test, grade point averages or the freshman fifteen. It was ownership of a certain classic album. In the day of CD's, (wow, yet another 'back in my day' story. they are accumulating fast.) this was a double album. On typical college campuses this album was more universal than taking chemistry. It was Pink Floyd's The Wall.

I'll admit that I owned a copy. Listened to it once. Well, ok, I'll be totally honest, I listened to three-quarters of it once. I just didn't get it. The entire thing seemed like just a bunch of nonsense to me. Yet I kept it. Firmly entrenched in my wooden CD rack for all to see. Yes, of course I wanted to meet the requirements to attend college!

The guys who lived below me in the dorm also owned it and listened to it frequently - at least to Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2). They even had some very creative lyrics that I cannot possibly type here.

All and all it's just a...nother brick in the wall.

Now the lyrics loop has started in my head. Just great. This moment in classic rock has been brought to you (and I'm enduring the lyrics loop) so that I could bring up the subject of The Wall, because long before I acted out of my desperation I had him my own wall.

Not that I knew it at the time. After some reading about spiritual formation, it's a descriptor that I've put on my spiritual life in hindsight. The wall. Part of the inner struggle with the emotional stuff we bring to the table when we dine with Christ. Not sure that my emotional stuff was that severe compared to so many others, but that may be why it was so dangerous - crouching their unaddressed because they were not taken seriously. I don't have no stinkin' issues!

Here's the thing that hard experience has taught me about spiritual walls...they don't go away. You can't tunnel under them, jump over them or plow through them. In fact, there is really no way to ignore them. You can pretend to, but your wall (junk, issues, soul damage, or whatever you want to call it) will be there affecting your walk with Christ.

The issues that I was having in my close relationships, but my marriage in particular, brought me up face to face with my wall. I had doubts. Lots of questions of God. Maintaining connection with God was tough. I've since learned that this is a normal and healthy point to be at; part of our spiritual growth. Only I took it that something was wrong. I must be doing the wrong things if my relationship with God was this tough.

So I went back to where I was comfortable, where I felt on solid ground. Back to DOING stuff. Determinedly pressing on. Only I didn't know I was going backward, I just thought I had gotten around my hurdle, my wall. My job as pastor became my identity, especially my spiritual identity. Forming an unhealthy cord of three strands with my job was my expectation of approval and search for intimacy.

That seemed to make things better for awhile. Yet it was still there. Still being ignored. My wall. Little did I realize at the time that the strategy I had developed to ignore the affects of my issues on my relationship was setting me up for crisis. I was perverting the grace of God, creating an idol of my desire for happiness.

You see, the only was to get rid of your wall is to dismantle it. Piece by messy piece. That is what my original discontent was all about. I'd gotten to the edge and I needed to turn my spiritual attention inward. Allow the power of Christ to help you deal with your stuff.

And I missed it by a mile.

I think some of this discomfort at looking at my own stuff came from a misconception that I think is common among Christians. We are told that in Christ we are a new creation. The old is gone and the new is come. With that new creation comes an expectation that our struggles of old, the hurts, the habits, the thought processes all automatically disappear.

More magic pill Christianity. So, when we still struggle or when the old struggles resurface (as they will) we get discouraged. God may be allowing the issue to surface. He wants to work it for our good. Now that we are in Christ we can process it with the mind of Christ. We can be drawn deeper into the arms of God. Instead we refuse this opportunity for God to work good. We cover our shame (Adam and Eve anyone?) and we beat ourselves up for still being damaged. Why wouldn't we be? While God can clearly work miracles without us, in the Bible He usually responds to a step of faith by us.

The old indeed has gone. Old way of thinking. Old way of avoidance. Old way of pursuing our own happiness. Old way of coping with life out of our own strength. All gone. It is replaced by the new. Being in Christ. Taking our burden to Him. Allowing Him into our pain. What has come is the ability for healing, but the issue needs to have light shone on it.

I'd taken the magic pill and I was choking on it. Choking on my expectations and insecurities. Passivity. Retreating in conflict. Fear of rejection. Pride. Fear of disappointing others. Approval addiction. And a distrust of God. That is quite the list. Turns out I had more issues that I imagined.

The good news is that the wall is coming down. Brick by brick. The job is a little taller now because of the damage I did in my crisis. But I am developing the tools to overcome. Brokenness before God. Gratitude. Contentment in Christ. A few close men who can ask me anything and themselves who have to strength to pry. Someone to provide counsel.

I'm looking forward to what is on the other side of the wall.