First Steps

Several weeks ago, while at a conference, I had the opportunity to sit in a session on marriage for church leaders hosted by a guy named Joe Beam. I have had a book of his on my 'to be read' shelf for quite awhile so I was intrigued to hear what he would say about marriage to a roomful of current and hopeful pastors.

While most of the session was about how to avoid marital mistakes, he did reveal some of his own story throughout the session. I was surprised by how similar our experiences were. Only difference, he is 23 years removed from his failure - which also was much 'worse' than mine. While a pastor, his unresolved marriage issues and affair actually led him to leave his wife and divorce her - for three years. Graciously she forgave him, both of them looked at the problems they brought to the table, they remarried, and share a fruitful church and marriage ministry.

This was encouraging. An encounter brought about by God, I think because I thought about skipping the session and returning to work. After the talk I made my way to the front, because I had some questions for him about fears and feeling I have. Now, sometimes I get very focused on a goal and getting to the front before a huge line formed was it for me. The expression "it's better to beg forgiveness than ask permission" came to mind as I shouldered a couple people out of the way. Probably I should have used a little more caution around the pair of pregnant ladies walking my way, but the line was so close! When I arrived, (success!), I was third in line, waiting like I was in line to use the bathroom - hopping from foot to foot.

(Please note, much of the above paragraph is hyperbole to emphasize my desire to talk with Mr. Beam. There were no incidents with pregnant ladies or hockey body checks.)

With a long line and only a short time to talk, I was only able to ask a couple questions, which were: Even though I think it's what God wants, do I have a right to want to get back into ministry?, Why should people listen to me? and How did you get back in?

It's the answer to the third question that struck me most, because I had some idea of what he would say to the first two. His reply was "Find someone who believes in you. Not everyone will, but it just takes one. Keep working on building trust." Simple advice, but pretty much out of my hands. I can't make anyone believe in me - more opportunity to be dependent on God.

That brings me to last week. It was special. Humbling, exciting, terrifying, and encouraging all rolled into one week.

Today's blog isn't so much a story of realization, but a reflection on the events of this week. A couple months ago I had been asked if I wanted to fill in and speak at my church on May 30th. Memorial Day??!!?? Are you kidding? Speaking on a day we remember sacrifice and the impact it has had on our lives? I would have said yes to any day, but the symbolism was not lost on me. After my wife and I talked it over and agreed that it was a great opportunity to do something I feel called (or really compelled) to do, I was able to officially say yes.

If you are curious, I decided to put some meat on the Great Expectations blog that I posted some time ago and ask everyone the question "Are you following a Jesus who can do something for you or a Jesus who came to save you?"

It was such a wonderful and interesting process. I have really felt the last few months like God is giving me so much to say. Coming up with the topic was not hard - something that in the past I would have been too intimidated to be confident about. Really, I could have made a series about our expectations from all the notes that I had for this one message. While it was a challenge to focus the message, it was simultaneously encouraging to feel like I had a direct line to God for ideas and information. Until I had to ask Him to stop because it was just too much for one 30 minute message.

Thirty minutes really was the key here. The way services are planned, there is little room for error in time. Going 35 instead of 30 would cause services to overlap, worlds to collide, houses to divide against themselves and no further invitations to speak to follow. That really was my one source of anxiety before. I'm not sure why, maybe it was just this particular message or maybe it is my new confidence and trust in God, but I did not struggle the week before with a cycle thinking "this is great" one moment and "this really sucks" the next. Confidence was the word of the week.

This is not to say that I think the message was flawless. Afterward I have struggled some in reflection, thinking how things could have been said differently, areas I could have made people laugh more. Woulda, shoulda, coulda...I can so easily beat myself up, so I have been trying to focus and enjoy the overwhelming positive responses I received after and between services. Overall, there seemed to be a real connection with the listeners - and thanks to the new glasses, I could see facial reactions quite clearly.

I would like to say thanks to those of you who came to show support. Seeing you there, knowing you were praying for me and rooting for me meant everything.

This week I did learn something about my wife. Her need to see balance out of me when I take on a task I am passionate about. And also my need to communicate (or even over communicate) well with her when I know reality conflicts with her expectations. There was a sprinkler system task that she was worried about and I promised to do it Wednesday afternoon. Yet when she came home I had stopped.

My perspective was that I realized I needed some information she had to proceed. Her perspective was that I was disinterested and had broken my promise. Also, I was befuddled, but did not communicate well that I was struggling to know what the problem was. I think my statement "I have no idea what to do next to solve this problem" came across more as an excuse to her rather than reality. Next time I'll back it up with some reasoning. Unexpected lessons, but good stuff.

Rereading that paragraph, it is coming into focus that my learning to be a biblically strong husband is going to be spurred on by household tasks (coincidentily with water/plumbing???) - like The Front Loading Washing Machine Incident. Great. Maybe the book title is right and love really does begin in the kitchen.

The best part of this week has been my feeling of beginning to take some next steps in the realm of ministry. My attitude has been one of waiting knowing what God wants will happen in His timing; rather than trying to make things happen in my time. I feel like this is a season for me to wait for God to bring things to me. More of the dependence stuff. The opportunity to speak was part of that.

During this same time frame, I learned that there is another person who believes in my ministry future as well. God is way better to me than I deserve. Found out that there may be some opportunities to be a life coach for men in struggling marriages. Something else God is whipping up. Fits well with where I think God is taking me. Good experience to prepare me for working with pastors and church leaders.

Feels good to take some first steps and stretch my legs so to speak. Wherever these steps lead, I am excited to go.