Remember The Far Side? A one panel comic that ran for years and years. Many talking animals, plump people, and situations that were the exact opposite of reality. There are two Far Side comics that I would call my favorites. I'll still laugh just thinking about them - maybe I'll be motivated to find them and thumb-tack them to the wall of my luxurious cubical.
The first comic has the caption "Prehistoric microscopes" and has a picture of two cave men, one is leading a mammoth underneath the optical portion of a gigantic stone 'microscope'. The second caveman is sitting on the top of the 'microscope' with his entire head inside the viewing part and he is declaring "Yes, it's a mammoth." It is such a ridiculous picture and declaration (get it, like he'd need a microscope to know it was a giant mammoth?) that I laugh every time. Even now. Unfortunately, that comic has nothing to do with this blog entry. Just wanted to share.
In my second favorite, I don't even remember if there is a caption. It is a picture of a long black-board. At the far right there are a group of scientists celebrating and high-fiving each other and one saying something like "We did it!". When you look on the board you see, starting at the left, all sorts of equations and symbols. Same on the right. But in the the middle there is a break with the words "An act of God happens." How over the top. For this group of scientists, they just explain away everything in the middle with an act of God. Wish I could have written math proofs that way in college. There would have been more time for beer.
The Bible sometimes seemed like that to me. In the last couple months I've developed an appreciation for all the things that the Bible does not say. Consider Noah. We are not told too much about what happened in his life between receiving his call to build the ark and God closing the door. Certainly not a lot considering it spans over 100 years. What do you think the conversations were like between Noah and God as Noah was hammering nails on another hot, dry desert day? I am pretty certain that Noah had to come to a very good grasp on just who he believed God to be.
Think about Hosea. Again, I am sure he has a lot of interesting things going on in his mind as he goes to purchase his adulterous wife from her captors. We are not let into his internal musings, the Bible just relates that Hosea "bought her for fifteen shekels..." Almost as if obedience were that easy, which I'm sure that humiliating act was not. Example after example, even with the disciples. The Bible is remarkably silent on Peter's inner struggle after denying Jesus, but I'm sure it was never far from the front of Peter's mind.
But, since the Bible often does not relate the details of the struggles men have had following God, as we read I think we often sanitize the Bible characters and their stories. They were told, thus they obeyed. I'm sure there were many times of no-questions-asked-obedience. I would just ask if that was realistic to assume as Abraham is asked to sacrifice Issac. Or if we should just assume Peter slept soundly after denying Christ. There is huge emotional and spiritual struggle and the Bible just doesn't tell us details of the process.
Maybe that contributes to some of our mask-wearing. Abraham asked no questions, so why should I? Hosea did not complain, so I'll keep my mouth shut. Even with Paul, who is often brutally honest about himself, we tend to gloss his struggles over and have made him super-disciple while forgetting the laborious process for him to get there. He wasn't born-again that way.
I wanted to live up to the calling I had received, and if I couldn't be like Paul (or let God work that process in me), I was at least going to act the part! That's what God expects! That's what people are looking for! Please affix my mask!
On Easter Sunday a couple weeks ago, I did the welcome piece from stage for my church. It was an interesting bookend, because on Good Friday the year before I had resigned from my pastoring position because I couldn't live the act anymore. My actions and my hurt were out of control. So much has happened in the last year. I've wrestled God. Wandered farther away than I would ever advise anyone. Became a pastoral cliche; now I'm a cliche (don't mean cliche in a negative way) of reconciliation and grace. Just like The Far Side comic, "An act of God happens" somewhere in that year - a true miracle, a 'second conversion'. As a result, I am able to finally confront who I am, who God is, who I should allow Him to be, and the impact of who I was on those around me. It has been a painful and stunning process. One that will continue for the rest of my life. I think when you truly allow God to break you (which is the way He wants it) and put you back together, He allows the cracks and scars to remain as evidence of the process.
If my story were written in the same style as the Bible, verse 45 of the book of Me would say "He wrote his letter and fled." Then verse 46 would continue "The next Easter he attended services in the temple courts (work with me) with his wife and daughter and they watched him welcome people as a changed man." Only now, rather than saying I understand what happened in the meantime, I've experienced it. My perspective has changed and the Bible characters are now not just words on a page, but people who have struggled just like I do. That is what God loves, using the weak to shame the strong, and that is just what I want people to see in me - no mask, but the result of an act of God.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
It Takes Three
I read something interesting yesterday in a secular counseling book that is currently among my group of four books that I'm reading (yes, my ADD causes me to read four at a time). It is a statement that I hope no Christian will disagree with, and I am awed that secular research validates God's design for human relational behavior. Once again, science validates God - go figure.
This quote is found on page 11 of Genograms, "two-person relationships tend to be unstable. Under stress two people tend to draw in a third. They stabilize the system by forming a coalition of two in relation to the third. The basic unit of an emotional system thus tends to be a triangle."
Now, let that sink in. What is the implication of this statement for marriage? Success is going to be determined by the choice of the third party. I've seen married people choose a close friend - but that has the tendency to destabilize the relationship further because of allegiance issues. It is the rare person who is going to be able to remain perfectly impartial. Distrust will form or a fourth will be brought in which ends up fracturing the entire unit into two unmarried pairs.
A child could be the choice. Let's stay married for the kid. That may work for a time, but what happens when the kid leaves the house, as he inevitably will. The purpose for the marriage will walk out the door with them. For impartiality a counselor could be a good choice. There would even be some wisdom to this, but not for an indefinite interval - that would lead to codependency. An unhealthy picture of reliance on a person who will fail sooner or later.
There can really be only one choice. Jesus has promised to be our rock and our foundation. He is partners with a Wonderful Counselor who is the mark of God on each of us. He plays no favorites. Each partner in a marriage can be assured that Jesus will have each of our best interests represented when He is the third member of the triangle of our marriage relationship. He wants us to be fulfilled in this most intimate of earthly relationships. And just in case we think He doesn't understand all that is involved, He pictures His own relationship with the Church as a marriage. Seems like a match made in heaven.
I got to listen to Francis Chan speak Tuesday morning. He was fresh off his resignation message of the weekend and he was recounting the months of agonizing and wrestling with God's call that both he and his wife had done leading up to the announcement this weekend. During his talk, he showed a video clip of his wife speaking during the service. Through tears she recounted how both she and Francis came to know that they needed to be obedient to the call of Christ and pursue ministry in the inner city. Throwing off comfort as a way of denying themselves and following God where ever he may lead.
One statement by Mrs. Chan in particular struck me, and this is my best reconstruction, throughout our marriage Francis has often said that he felt God leading him in a certain direction, and my response has always been, if you are convinced that is where God is leading, then I will wholeheartedly follow. But in this decision, God gave both of us the direction. That is the perfect picture of the marriage that has as the third member Jesus - Jesus who they can lean on and turn to during this time of inner turmoil and lack of peace and who is faithful to lead.
They had made the choice to live in dependence to the Savior. As Francis related this to the room of about 100 people (and I was literally 3.5 feet from him, looking him in the eyes), he told us that while he thought he and his wife were as close as they could get, this process of surrendering to the will of God had brought them closer than he could ever have imagined.
That's where I want my marriage to be. Dependent upon Christ. Total surrender. Ever deepening intimacy.
As I have looked online for the clip of just Francis' wife's portion of the message, I have seen so much cynicism over this decision. Apparently people do not understand inner city ministry if they are equating big city with "bright lights and more fame". My response to that is I think Francis and his wife make the rest of American Christians uncomfortable. Here is a guy with success as we would see it. Big church. Best selling book. Best selling videos. He's a pastoral rock star and he is giving all that up out of obedience. That is hard for Christians who are comfortable and lukewarm to fathom, so the only possible response if cynicism.
While I watched, I saw a guy who was convicted. And I will pray for him, because he inspired me. For his decision, surely, but even more for how Christ was the Rock of his marriage.
Once again, that's what I desire for my marriage. That's what I've always wanted for my marriage and has always seemed so out of my reach. And it is. While it is my desire, it is a goal that my wife has to be involved with also. I can't reach alone, both my wife and I have to reach together. While we both have to be involved, as I described in a previous post, I am learning how to lead us there. I am learning how to not abdicate my responsibility; to resist passivity; to correct inadvertently laying a burden of leadership on my wife for which she was not designed.
We've discussed and written down marriage goals for the year. It's time to invite Christ to be our third and lead us to our goals and beyond. Hopefully each year when we do this I can echo what Francis Chan said about his own marriage - I thought we were close, but through this we are now closer than I ever could have imagined.
This quote is found on page 11 of Genograms, "two-person relationships tend to be unstable. Under stress two people tend to draw in a third. They stabilize the system by forming a coalition of two in relation to the third. The basic unit of an emotional system thus tends to be a triangle."
Now, let that sink in. What is the implication of this statement for marriage? Success is going to be determined by the choice of the third party. I've seen married people choose a close friend - but that has the tendency to destabilize the relationship further because of allegiance issues. It is the rare person who is going to be able to remain perfectly impartial. Distrust will form or a fourth will be brought in which ends up fracturing the entire unit into two unmarried pairs.
A child could be the choice. Let's stay married for the kid. That may work for a time, but what happens when the kid leaves the house, as he inevitably will. The purpose for the marriage will walk out the door with them. For impartiality a counselor could be a good choice. There would even be some wisdom to this, but not for an indefinite interval - that would lead to codependency. An unhealthy picture of reliance on a person who will fail sooner or later.
There can really be only one choice. Jesus has promised to be our rock and our foundation. He is partners with a Wonderful Counselor who is the mark of God on each of us. He plays no favorites. Each partner in a marriage can be assured that Jesus will have each of our best interests represented when He is the third member of the triangle of our marriage relationship. He wants us to be fulfilled in this most intimate of earthly relationships. And just in case we think He doesn't understand all that is involved, He pictures His own relationship with the Church as a marriage. Seems like a match made in heaven.
I got to listen to Francis Chan speak Tuesday morning. He was fresh off his resignation message of the weekend and he was recounting the months of agonizing and wrestling with God's call that both he and his wife had done leading up to the announcement this weekend. During his talk, he showed a video clip of his wife speaking during the service. Through tears she recounted how both she and Francis came to know that they needed to be obedient to the call of Christ and pursue ministry in the inner city. Throwing off comfort as a way of denying themselves and following God where ever he may lead.
One statement by Mrs. Chan in particular struck me, and this is my best reconstruction, throughout our marriage Francis has often said that he felt God leading him in a certain direction, and my response has always been, if you are convinced that is where God is leading, then I will wholeheartedly follow. But in this decision, God gave both of us the direction. That is the perfect picture of the marriage that has as the third member Jesus - Jesus who they can lean on and turn to during this time of inner turmoil and lack of peace and who is faithful to lead.
They had made the choice to live in dependence to the Savior. As Francis related this to the room of about 100 people (and I was literally 3.5 feet from him, looking him in the eyes), he told us that while he thought he and his wife were as close as they could get, this process of surrendering to the will of God had brought them closer than he could ever have imagined.
That's where I want my marriage to be. Dependent upon Christ. Total surrender. Ever deepening intimacy.
As I have looked online for the clip of just Francis' wife's portion of the message, I have seen so much cynicism over this decision. Apparently people do not understand inner city ministry if they are equating big city with "bright lights and more fame". My response to that is I think Francis and his wife make the rest of American Christians uncomfortable. Here is a guy with success as we would see it. Big church. Best selling book. Best selling videos. He's a pastoral rock star and he is giving all that up out of obedience. That is hard for Christians who are comfortable and lukewarm to fathom, so the only possible response if cynicism.
While I watched, I saw a guy who was convicted. And I will pray for him, because he inspired me. For his decision, surely, but even more for how Christ was the Rock of his marriage.
Once again, that's what I desire for my marriage. That's what I've always wanted for my marriage and has always seemed so out of my reach. And it is. While it is my desire, it is a goal that my wife has to be involved with also. I can't reach alone, both my wife and I have to reach together. While we both have to be involved, as I described in a previous post, I am learning how to lead us there. I am learning how to not abdicate my responsibility; to resist passivity; to correct inadvertently laying a burden of leadership on my wife for which she was not designed.
We've discussed and written down marriage goals for the year. It's time to invite Christ to be our third and lead us to our goals and beyond. Hopefully each year when we do this I can echo what Francis Chan said about his own marriage - I thought we were close, but through this we are now closer than I ever could have imagined.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right."
Did your dad have a saying? My dad had two that I can remember. Mantras that we should have had printed on father-son matching t-shirts because they were used so frequently. In almost any situation my dad was able to display his wisdom with one especially oft used eight word phrase:
"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right."
Until very recently, I had not thought much about the impact of this nugget of wisdom on my growth and development. Didn't really occur to me that is was something to evaluate. I don't want to dwell on the mistakes of my parent, but at the same time I am seeing that it is also important not to ignore them either. As I have been reflecting on myself, I have come to wonder why it is that in almost all of my relationships I expend so much energy trying to earn the approval of the other. Marriage, friendships, superiors at work, church members, and even God.
Well, like everything else, if the act of self reflection is worth doing, it's worth doing right. In and of itself, this expression is spot on. You should give your best effort; striving for excellence and working hard. As I think back though, it is how this mantra was lived out that provides the conflicting currents in my development.
I could never, even up to the point where I left home for college mow the front yard. That is the part people saw, after all. Or wash/wax the cars. (Maybe I should be grateful!) In probably the earliest incident that I can remember in this theme, 4th grade, I asked my dad to read a one page paper I had to hand in. He rewrote it, adding all sorts of new words beyond the vocabulary of the average 9 year old. Projects around the home I was the helper who held the flashlight or fetched the proper screw driver, but I was never the one getting his hands dirty. Just standing by, kinda watching, never participating. Even mom would get in on this action as she would go behind me and 'fix' my bed-making, straighten things up after me - you know, do things better than a pre-teen can do them.
This is not to say that correction wouldn't have been deserved or that teachable moments were not possible. I was after all a kid. My bed making had wrinkles. I probably would not have tightened screws all the way. Yes, the lawn would have had crooked lines. But isn't that all part of the training and maturing process? Instead, if it's worth doing, then it's worth doing right and that means you are not going to do it. Message received. You are not good enough.
Now let me qualify, in no way do I think my dad was being malicious. In fact, I really don't think he or my mom knew the message they were subtly sending. Yet, the reality stands that a boy wants to be blessed by his parents - particularly his father. You are a man - now dig this post hole!
It is a tough thing to balance. I want to be good enough. I'll work hard, because I want to give God my best, but I've got to remember that I have nothing to prove to Him. God knows everything about me and still loves me anyway. In fact, just as Jesus loved Peter though his many faults, He loves me as well. It is important for me to be aware of that healthy tension. I am approved by God.
In my relationships I need to live in that same confidence. I want people to see me as more than just adequate. Approval is a good desire, but should not be my focus. I need to be myself because that is what will honor God most. I have a lot to offer - God has really gifted me in a unique way. I'm a math guy who's good with people! (How many of those are there?) I can use the English language pretty well and am good at breaking complex things down for people to understand. There is so much more I could add to this list. If I haven't felt blessed by my dad, I certainly have been by my Heavenly Father. Thank you God.
"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right."
Until very recently, I had not thought much about the impact of this nugget of wisdom on my growth and development. Didn't really occur to me that is was something to evaluate. I don't want to dwell on the mistakes of my parent, but at the same time I am seeing that it is also important not to ignore them either. As I have been reflecting on myself, I have come to wonder why it is that in almost all of my relationships I expend so much energy trying to earn the approval of the other. Marriage, friendships, superiors at work, church members, and even God.
Well, like everything else, if the act of self reflection is worth doing, it's worth doing right. In and of itself, this expression is spot on. You should give your best effort; striving for excellence and working hard. As I think back though, it is how this mantra was lived out that provides the conflicting currents in my development.
I could never, even up to the point where I left home for college mow the front yard. That is the part people saw, after all. Or wash/wax the cars. (Maybe I should be grateful!) In probably the earliest incident that I can remember in this theme, 4th grade, I asked my dad to read a one page paper I had to hand in. He rewrote it, adding all sorts of new words beyond the vocabulary of the average 9 year old. Projects around the home I was the helper who held the flashlight or fetched the proper screw driver, but I was never the one getting his hands dirty. Just standing by, kinda watching, never participating. Even mom would get in on this action as she would go behind me and 'fix' my bed-making, straighten things up after me - you know, do things better than a pre-teen can do them.
This is not to say that correction wouldn't have been deserved or that teachable moments were not possible. I was after all a kid. My bed making had wrinkles. I probably would not have tightened screws all the way. Yes, the lawn would have had crooked lines. But isn't that all part of the training and maturing process? Instead, if it's worth doing, then it's worth doing right and that means you are not going to do it. Message received. You are not good enough.
Now let me qualify, in no way do I think my dad was being malicious. In fact, I really don't think he or my mom knew the message they were subtly sending. Yet, the reality stands that a boy wants to be blessed by his parents - particularly his father. You are a man - now dig this post hole!
It is a tough thing to balance. I want to be good enough. I'll work hard, because I want to give God my best, but I've got to remember that I have nothing to prove to Him. God knows everything about me and still loves me anyway. In fact, just as Jesus loved Peter though his many faults, He loves me as well. It is important for me to be aware of that healthy tension. I am approved by God.
In my relationships I need to live in that same confidence. I want people to see me as more than just adequate. Approval is a good desire, but should not be my focus. I need to be myself because that is what will honor God most. I have a lot to offer - God has really gifted me in a unique way. I'm a math guy who's good with people! (How many of those are there?) I can use the English language pretty well and am good at breaking complex things down for people to understand. There is so much more I could add to this list. If I haven't felt blessed by my dad, I certainly have been by my Heavenly Father. Thank you God.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Medicating the Pain
Today I have been reflecting on some of the events and interactions of the last year. Not looking back as Lot's wife did, but trying to sort through some of what I was thinking and feeling. How could it possibly be that throwing everything away seemed like a rational choice to deal with my circumstances? While I can remember the thought process, none of it makes much sense to me.
Now I know that none of you reading this can relate to this analogy, but I'll throw it out there anyway. It's like being at a party on a Friday night with a lot of people you don't know. The more you drink, the friendlier things become. Until at just the right point of intoxication you become best friends for life with complete strangers. (You're the coolest guy I ever met!) In the moment no one could convince you that you are drunk or that the decisions you are making are impaired (I can drive!), but the next morning you wake up and don't remember why that trip to Krystal at 3:30 am seemed so pressing and proper. (Not that I am describing one of innumerable evenings of mine in college.) The next day you forget the names of your new best friends and even why they seemed like friends at all.
That was me in my sin. A good friend to my wife described the situation to her exactly like this and I completely agree with the analogy. "He's drunk in his sin; he's not thinking right." Yes, that was true. (Please don't take the drunkenness analogy as me trying to pass of blame. Anything but, every drunk makes a choice to drink.)
Why do people get drunk? Why is it that someone will put themselves totally in the control of something else? Whether the choice is alcohol, drugs, porn, physical brutality, gambling, making money, hoarding power, or having an affair - the bottom line is everything on that list and more have the same effect. The pain that the person is feeling gets medicated or deadened. It is a way to cope.
There really are several issues here. One is: where was God? How was it that I, a beloved pastor, turned so completely away. I've alluded to that before, but I'll return to that in another entry soon. For now, we'll turn away from my lack of trust in the God for whom I was ministering. Also for the moment, we'll overlook that everything on that list is an idol, a substitution for God, a way to be one's own god and 'solve' the problems of life's circumstances without Him.
Here I want to ask the question: what was the source of my hurt? what was it that I was trying to cover up with the substitute for God? Cheap forgiveness. In the primary relationship in my life I was being sinned against. Never did I really take the time to process my disappointment and grief. It turned to hurt that I suppressed. Keeping up appearances, remember. I wanted everyone to think things were OK. Part of me was stuck in the thought process "if I were a good Christian, I wouldn't be lonely or depressed. I shouldn't have these marriage problems. I should be able to repress my desires for physical affection and respect." So I'd just try harder and not let anyone see what was going on.
Without truly processing what was going on, the best I could say was "I forgive my wife." But I didn't mean it. How could I? I didn't even know what I was forgiving. My broken thoughts were that what I was feeling was wrong. Forgiveness makes it right. Then I could move on. Problem was, feelings don't always change as easily as you can mouth the words. My mask didn't give God the room to work the miracle of forgiveness. So the hurt just mounted.
In addition to those around me, my mask also shut out God. Remember, for me He was one to be pleased. When things didn't improve by my efforts I attributed it to his unanswered prayer or displeasure with my performance. More failure. More downward thought spiral. Throughout, I refused to let God deal with me in my grief for my marriage. That would have been revealing my weakness, being vulnerable, and facing my fears. So there was nowhere to turn with my hurt.
For her part, my wife was not interested in fixing things either - her reasons were different. That became my battle cry. This is her fault. She won't follow. She won't appreciate me. She won't...she won't...she won't...and on and on. To tell the truth, no matter what I did, godly or not, she may not have responded. But her response is not for me to control. It is also not an excuse for what I did because I could never have forseen what a godly response from me looked like. For my mask was affixed so tightly that I had shut myself out.
Notice my battle cry. She won't...she won't...she won't...all very self-centered declarations. Sure I'd help out around the house, spend time at home, and plan time together. But it was out of a selfish motive to get what I desired. It was not an authentic expression of love or forgiveness. I didn't really, authentically look at me. What kind of follower of Christ was I? What kind of husband was I? What kind of head of my family was I? In my hurt and desire to maintain appearances I had lost the ability to accurately perceive myself. Not everything was my wife's fault. Not by a long shot. I hadn't given her anything to respond to except my neediness; nor was I able to forgive her. Looking at me would not have worked until I had processed my hurt and anger.
Instead I medicated my pain. Fortunately, I follow a God who works miracles. He who can get water from a stone can also make good from our bad. I am living proof that God still works miracles and can change everything about the way you think and what or whom you put your trust in. Healing takes time, but God is faithful and patient.
Now I know that none of you reading this can relate to this analogy, but I'll throw it out there anyway. It's like being at a party on a Friday night with a lot of people you don't know. The more you drink, the friendlier things become. Until at just the right point of intoxication you become best friends for life with complete strangers. (You're the coolest guy I ever met!) In the moment no one could convince you that you are drunk or that the decisions you are making are impaired (I can drive!), but the next morning you wake up and don't remember why that trip to Krystal at 3:30 am seemed so pressing and proper. (Not that I am describing one of innumerable evenings of mine in college.) The next day you forget the names of your new best friends and even why they seemed like friends at all.
That was me in my sin. A good friend to my wife described the situation to her exactly like this and I completely agree with the analogy. "He's drunk in his sin; he's not thinking right." Yes, that was true. (Please don't take the drunkenness analogy as me trying to pass of blame. Anything but, every drunk makes a choice to drink.)
Why do people get drunk? Why is it that someone will put themselves totally in the control of something else? Whether the choice is alcohol, drugs, porn, physical brutality, gambling, making money, hoarding power, or having an affair - the bottom line is everything on that list and more have the same effect. The pain that the person is feeling gets medicated or deadened. It is a way to cope.
There really are several issues here. One is: where was God? How was it that I, a beloved pastor, turned so completely away. I've alluded to that before, but I'll return to that in another entry soon. For now, we'll turn away from my lack of trust in the God for whom I was ministering. Also for the moment, we'll overlook that everything on that list is an idol, a substitution for God, a way to be one's own god and 'solve' the problems of life's circumstances without Him.
Here I want to ask the question: what was the source of my hurt? what was it that I was trying to cover up with the substitute for God? Cheap forgiveness. In the primary relationship in my life I was being sinned against. Never did I really take the time to process my disappointment and grief. It turned to hurt that I suppressed. Keeping up appearances, remember. I wanted everyone to think things were OK. Part of me was stuck in the thought process "if I were a good Christian, I wouldn't be lonely or depressed. I shouldn't have these marriage problems. I should be able to repress my desires for physical affection and respect." So I'd just try harder and not let anyone see what was going on.
Without truly processing what was going on, the best I could say was "I forgive my wife." But I didn't mean it. How could I? I didn't even know what I was forgiving. My broken thoughts were that what I was feeling was wrong. Forgiveness makes it right. Then I could move on. Problem was, feelings don't always change as easily as you can mouth the words. My mask didn't give God the room to work the miracle of forgiveness. So the hurt just mounted.
In addition to those around me, my mask also shut out God. Remember, for me He was one to be pleased. When things didn't improve by my efforts I attributed it to his unanswered prayer or displeasure with my performance. More failure. More downward thought spiral. Throughout, I refused to let God deal with me in my grief for my marriage. That would have been revealing my weakness, being vulnerable, and facing my fears. So there was nowhere to turn with my hurt.
For her part, my wife was not interested in fixing things either - her reasons were different. That became my battle cry. This is her fault. She won't follow. She won't appreciate me. She won't...she won't...she won't...and on and on. To tell the truth, no matter what I did, godly or not, she may not have responded. But her response is not for me to control. It is also not an excuse for what I did because I could never have forseen what a godly response from me looked like. For my mask was affixed so tightly that I had shut myself out.
Notice my battle cry. She won't...she won't...she won't...all very self-centered declarations. Sure I'd help out around the house, spend time at home, and plan time together. But it was out of a selfish motive to get what I desired. It was not an authentic expression of love or forgiveness. I didn't really, authentically look at me. What kind of follower of Christ was I? What kind of husband was I? What kind of head of my family was I? In my hurt and desire to maintain appearances I had lost the ability to accurately perceive myself. Not everything was my wife's fault. Not by a long shot. I hadn't given her anything to respond to except my neediness; nor was I able to forgive her. Looking at me would not have worked until I had processed my hurt and anger.
Instead I medicated my pain. Fortunately, I follow a God who works miracles. He who can get water from a stone can also make good from our bad. I am living proof that God still works miracles and can change everything about the way you think and what or whom you put your trust in. Healing takes time, but God is faithful and patient.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Being Passive
In Exodus it says the the sins of a father are passed on for three or four generations. As I have been looking at myself spiritually and emotionally, the reality of generational patterns has been becoming more and more obvious in my life. Now, I have not put extensive thought into reflecting on my family yet, but some of the things that have been modeled for me and passed on are too obvious to not bring into the discussion. (A project that I am researching for my wife and I is to construct a genogram and very intentionally look at the good and bad that was our parents and their relationship in order to determine some of the baggage/strategies that we have carried into our relationship.)
I don't want this to come across as an indictment on my dad and I think we all understand that. He was a good dad. Involved in my extracurricular activities, generous, and I knew he loved me, but among some other things, my dad was and is passive. The idea of a strong man that I got from him was like Rocky Balboa - just take the punishment. Remember in Rocky IV? Rocky vs. the big Russian dude (Ivan Drago?) and they are in Russia and Rocky is just getting the mess beat out of his face. He's barely lifting his arms, motioning to the other fighter; basically giving an open invitation to just tire himself out bloodying him. Until Rocky took enough, then he vengefully let loose and won.
A lot of that reminds me of my dad. Whatever is going on in his life he just takes in. Disagreements and conflict with his wife? Just absorb it and smooth it over. Sibling conflict? Just withdraw from the relationship. Death of parents and daughter? Just live in regret and pay your penance by visiting the grave frequently. Mind you, he has not processed nor dealt with his issues, in fact they are right below the surface bubbling like hot lava waiting for a vent to release the pressure. Dad drives angry. That's an outlet. Occasionally he will get snippy with a server at a restaurant. Look out. But for the most part he is just very passive in his relationships. Not rocking the boat or talking about anything of depth.
In a lot of ways, I have carried this baton from my dad, although I wouldn't put myself as far down the passivity scale as he falls. For me, it is hard to separate what is passive and what is people pleasing, but the tendency is there. I'll withdraw in conflict. Many times I'll give up leadership in situations in which not only am I the responsible party but through which I am gifted by God to lead well. Sometimes that's where the interesting mix of people pleasing comes in. Take the front loading washing machine incident of the last post. There was a point that I had a proposed path to solve the problem that I abandoned when my wife pushed back rather emotionally. I backed down because part of me wanted to be the hero, but a larger part wanted to do what was necessary to avoid confrontation. That's being passive and probably my greatest area of work in marriage.
In the past I have wanted my wife to respect my leadership and give me the room necessary to lead. What I am learning about femininity is that, in her desire for security, if I am not leading she will fill the void. It is my job as a husband to give her something to which she can respond. That's a paradigm shift in my thinking. Confrontation would happen in any marriage, especially as the husband lovingly asserts himself. In our case we have almost 15 years of bad habits to relearn, covenant trust to be rebuilt, not to mention a healthy dose of OCD that makes all this even more precarious.
Yet, my desire is to be the man God made me to be so that our marriage can be all this world will allow. So my journey involves one of moving toward more strength. Primarily in my marriage, but in all my relationships - for so many of them fall into this same pattern that I've adopted with my wife. Knowing my propensity for guardrails, I am hoping to achieve balance rather than swing the pendulum all the way in the other direction. That is a fear not shared by those I've talked with about this - I'm told I am a genuinely nice guy who wants to follow God so I'm not likely to be a wife beater, but erring on the side of strength wouldn't be a bad thing.
So, I'll make my best effort to face my fears and move toward strength. The time of passivity is passing.
I don't want this to come across as an indictment on my dad and I think we all understand that. He was a good dad. Involved in my extracurricular activities, generous, and I knew he loved me, but among some other things, my dad was and is passive. The idea of a strong man that I got from him was like Rocky Balboa - just take the punishment. Remember in Rocky IV? Rocky vs. the big Russian dude (Ivan Drago?) and they are in Russia and Rocky is just getting the mess beat out of his face. He's barely lifting his arms, motioning to the other fighter; basically giving an open invitation to just tire himself out bloodying him. Until Rocky took enough, then he vengefully let loose and won.
A lot of that reminds me of my dad. Whatever is going on in his life he just takes in. Disagreements and conflict with his wife? Just absorb it and smooth it over. Sibling conflict? Just withdraw from the relationship. Death of parents and daughter? Just live in regret and pay your penance by visiting the grave frequently. Mind you, he has not processed nor dealt with his issues, in fact they are right below the surface bubbling like hot lava waiting for a vent to release the pressure. Dad drives angry. That's an outlet. Occasionally he will get snippy with a server at a restaurant. Look out. But for the most part he is just very passive in his relationships. Not rocking the boat or talking about anything of depth.
In a lot of ways, I have carried this baton from my dad, although I wouldn't put myself as far down the passivity scale as he falls. For me, it is hard to separate what is passive and what is people pleasing, but the tendency is there. I'll withdraw in conflict. Many times I'll give up leadership in situations in which not only am I the responsible party but through which I am gifted by God to lead well. Sometimes that's where the interesting mix of people pleasing comes in. Take the front loading washing machine incident of the last post. There was a point that I had a proposed path to solve the problem that I abandoned when my wife pushed back rather emotionally. I backed down because part of me wanted to be the hero, but a larger part wanted to do what was necessary to avoid confrontation. That's being passive and probably my greatest area of work in marriage.
In the past I have wanted my wife to respect my leadership and give me the room necessary to lead. What I am learning about femininity is that, in her desire for security, if I am not leading she will fill the void. It is my job as a husband to give her something to which she can respond. That's a paradigm shift in my thinking. Confrontation would happen in any marriage, especially as the husband lovingly asserts himself. In our case we have almost 15 years of bad habits to relearn, covenant trust to be rebuilt, not to mention a healthy dose of OCD that makes all this even more precarious.
Yet, my desire is to be the man God made me to be so that our marriage can be all this world will allow. So my journey involves one of moving toward more strength. Primarily in my marriage, but in all my relationships - for so many of them fall into this same pattern that I've adopted with my wife. Knowing my propensity for guardrails, I am hoping to achieve balance rather than swing the pendulum all the way in the other direction. That is a fear not shared by those I've talked with about this - I'm told I am a genuinely nice guy who wants to follow God so I'm not likely to be a wife beater, but erring on the side of strength wouldn't be a bad thing.
So, I'll make my best effort to face my fears and move toward strength. The time of passivity is passing.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
You Just Have to Remove Three Screws
One of the evidences that I am getting older is that a number of "in my day" and "remember when" stories have started to creep into my arsenal. This occurred to me yesterday as I was trying to process the events of my late afternoon.
Remember when washing machines were fairly simple? A cylinder that was filled with water spun lazily one way then another and when the water was ready to be emptied the cylinder spun really, really fast to utilize marvelous centrifugal force to get the water out the drain. Pretty straight forward stuff. We had one of those for 12 years and I got to the point that I could diagnose and fix basic mechanical problems like a worn out clutch element.
Someone in the washing machine biz must have realized that this was a problem and billions of dollars in repair bills were being lost, so someone, somewhere in Japan invented the front loading washing machine. We have one. I'll admit, it has more buttons than my laptop, so as a guy I am immediately attracted to this device. Only problem is that it takes a PhD in mechanical engineering to fix - or so I've learned. Now to get the water out there is a complex pump at the bottom of the machine that spits the water against gravity to that drain they put halfway up the wall in all of our houses. Almost like gravity was a challenge to overcome rather than a helpful tool.
To give you a little context, the reason that we have a front loading washing machine is that my wife has OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder. It is a condition that she has developed as a way to order her world; providing comfort and control as a response to relational distress and chaos. OCD can take on many forms but for my wife it is particularly evident in the area of cleanliness and laundry. Before the crisis event in our lives last year, we used to joke about her neatness and laundry habit. Actually, by joking I mean that I deferred my super frustration with how much this meant to her by making jokes. Trying to appear like it didn't matter. Wearing a mask. Yet, inside I was lonely and not understanding why I was last on the list of priorities.
One of the pieces of good that God was able to work in the past year was getting my wife's attention that there was a lot of stuff in her past that she'd not worked through or even addressed and compulsions like the laundry were her way of putting a safe distance between us and also between her and God. She didn't know that. I didn't know that. Problem was that ignorance was not bliss, and my resulting behavior because of my loneliness, rejection and feeling disrespected caused me to play right into her insecurities. Vicious cycle. More of my failings in this area are sure to burst forth in future blogs.
While I now understand what is going on in my wife, that doesn't always make it any easier to respond to. For me that takes constant self talk and thinking through situations in a way that, right now, is unnatural for me. God made me good at relating to people in general, yet this is a stretch. Worth it in every way. Showing my love for her and being other-centered means that I need to make every effort to understand the trial of her world. Because this is still a process that I have to think through in each moment, times of stress become exceptionally hard.
So, I am still processing what I will call the front loading washing machine incident. (Not a catchy title, but effective.) Two days ago the machine stopped running, flashed an error message (told you it was cool!) and locked the front door. Good thing none of us had crawled in there, it self-locked when there was a problem much like the computer HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Thankfully we had purchased the warranty and a repairman would be out the next day. For my wife, here is where the stress starts. A repairman....in the laundry room....is he a smoker?....will he take off his shoes....is he sick?....and many, many more troublesome thoughts. None is this is meant to mock her, this is very real stress. So far, I have done good. Listened with eye contact. Comforted when necessary. Assured that when she wipes the machines down they will be clean again. Probably not a perfect job by me, but it was genuine and I'm improving. She needs to know that I love her no matter what; that she can be secure in my love regardless of whether or not this is how I would choose to react.
Repairman comes while I am visiting a friend in Orlando. Success. New pump. He is a non-smoker. Kept his tools very clean. Picked up. She was happy. I was relieved and hoping that I had built up a little trust in this mini-crisis. To celebrate I listen to the Bellamy Brothers' "Let Your Love Flow" real loud three times in a row on my drive home. Home is where chaos ensues.
Disaster. The new pump leaks. There is water on the floor. Repairman will not come back until approved by the warranty people. But hope flows in from the internet and I'm greeted at the door by "Scott, you just have to remove three screws and we can see what the problem is!" My wife is so beautiful and my heart was warmed that she thought I could do this that I actually checked out the website and said to myself "it is just three screws" and I agreed. Pride strikes again.
Every husband just wants the respect of his wife. This has been a long standing struggle in our marriage. Feeling inadequate sucks and happens to be one of my three fears as a man (in this I'm not unique.) So I squeeze into the laundry room - room being a term I use loosely. Big man in a small space! As I lose feeling in my legs I spy the three screws. But wait, there are a bunch of pipes here as well. No problem to remove those, right? Wrong. Water, water everywhere. With no pump, gravity takes over. I really should have known this. The gush of water and me with a coffee cup trying to catch it all. I am losing. To make matters worse, I gashed the top of my hand directly into a vein. Water everywhere and I am bleeding like a garden hose with a hole in it.
Now all I can hear is my wife hyperventilating. Poor woman. Blood on the washer and dryer. Water soaking into the flooring that now needs to be replaced. Dirty, wet towels everywhere. Nothing will make you feel less adequate that knowing you did this and now your wife is literally hyperventilating because of it. Self talk is now gone and I am reacting out of my hurt. She says "all this mess in my laundry room" and I say "I'm doing the best I can" and on and on and on. It was really much worse a scene that I'm describing, but I am way, way long here.
Her OCD is hard for me to understand. I do understand what it is and why it is there. But I don't necessarily "get" it. It is not a choice for her. Hopefully it will diminish as she works through her issues with God, with me, and some others, but it may not. Either way, what IS a choice is my reaction. My pride was hurt and in that moment I became self-centered. I wanted her to think of me and affirm me. Back to my old patterns and I reacted out of my hurt. Rather than offering compassion and security I probably made her feel like she was defective and a bother. Someone who can only be loved if she performs well or doesn't trouble me. I used to do that a lot. When my expectations weren't met (and they rarely were) I became needy. Reacting out of my hurt. Only offering love when I felt like I got what I needed.
My motivation was not love for my wife, but rather love for myself.
As I've processed the events of yesterday, I do see that stress was the key factor. Because of the added stress of the moment I reverted back. It has felt good to be free of that old behavior, but yesterday was a reminder that it takes constant work. Loving my wife well must become a second nature and that takes time. I am learning, but slowly. Another bit of learning that I've internalized - God doesn't love me less for my failures as a husband (or as a repairman), in fact I think He is pleased with what I'm learning and in becoming the man He designed me to be. It's a process, part of working out my salvation.
Oh, also learned that next time I will wait for the repairman.
Remember when washing machines were fairly simple? A cylinder that was filled with water spun lazily one way then another and when the water was ready to be emptied the cylinder spun really, really fast to utilize marvelous centrifugal force to get the water out the drain. Pretty straight forward stuff. We had one of those for 12 years and I got to the point that I could diagnose and fix basic mechanical problems like a worn out clutch element.
Someone in the washing machine biz must have realized that this was a problem and billions of dollars in repair bills were being lost, so someone, somewhere in Japan invented the front loading washing machine. We have one. I'll admit, it has more buttons than my laptop, so as a guy I am immediately attracted to this device. Only problem is that it takes a PhD in mechanical engineering to fix - or so I've learned. Now to get the water out there is a complex pump at the bottom of the machine that spits the water against gravity to that drain they put halfway up the wall in all of our houses. Almost like gravity was a challenge to overcome rather than a helpful tool.
To give you a little context, the reason that we have a front loading washing machine is that my wife has OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder. It is a condition that she has developed as a way to order her world; providing comfort and control as a response to relational distress and chaos. OCD can take on many forms but for my wife it is particularly evident in the area of cleanliness and laundry. Before the crisis event in our lives last year, we used to joke about her neatness and laundry habit. Actually, by joking I mean that I deferred my super frustration with how much this meant to her by making jokes. Trying to appear like it didn't matter. Wearing a mask. Yet, inside I was lonely and not understanding why I was last on the list of priorities.
One of the pieces of good that God was able to work in the past year was getting my wife's attention that there was a lot of stuff in her past that she'd not worked through or even addressed and compulsions like the laundry were her way of putting a safe distance between us and also between her and God. She didn't know that. I didn't know that. Problem was that ignorance was not bliss, and my resulting behavior because of my loneliness, rejection and feeling disrespected caused me to play right into her insecurities. Vicious cycle. More of my failings in this area are sure to burst forth in future blogs.
While I now understand what is going on in my wife, that doesn't always make it any easier to respond to. For me that takes constant self talk and thinking through situations in a way that, right now, is unnatural for me. God made me good at relating to people in general, yet this is a stretch. Worth it in every way. Showing my love for her and being other-centered means that I need to make every effort to understand the trial of her world. Because this is still a process that I have to think through in each moment, times of stress become exceptionally hard.
So, I am still processing what I will call the front loading washing machine incident. (Not a catchy title, but effective.) Two days ago the machine stopped running, flashed an error message (told you it was cool!) and locked the front door. Good thing none of us had crawled in there, it self-locked when there was a problem much like the computer HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Thankfully we had purchased the warranty and a repairman would be out the next day. For my wife, here is where the stress starts. A repairman....in the laundry room....is he a smoker?....will he take off his shoes....is he sick?....and many, many more troublesome thoughts. None is this is meant to mock her, this is very real stress. So far, I have done good. Listened with eye contact. Comforted when necessary. Assured that when she wipes the machines down they will be clean again. Probably not a perfect job by me, but it was genuine and I'm improving. She needs to know that I love her no matter what; that she can be secure in my love regardless of whether or not this is how I would choose to react.
Repairman comes while I am visiting a friend in Orlando. Success. New pump. He is a non-smoker. Kept his tools very clean. Picked up. She was happy. I was relieved and hoping that I had built up a little trust in this mini-crisis. To celebrate I listen to the Bellamy Brothers' "Let Your Love Flow" real loud three times in a row on my drive home. Home is where chaos ensues.
Disaster. The new pump leaks. There is water on the floor. Repairman will not come back until approved by the warranty people. But hope flows in from the internet and I'm greeted at the door by "Scott, you just have to remove three screws and we can see what the problem is!" My wife is so beautiful and my heart was warmed that she thought I could do this that I actually checked out the website and said to myself "it is just three screws" and I agreed. Pride strikes again.
Every husband just wants the respect of his wife. This has been a long standing struggle in our marriage. Feeling inadequate sucks and happens to be one of my three fears as a man (in this I'm not unique.) So I squeeze into the laundry room - room being a term I use loosely. Big man in a small space! As I lose feeling in my legs I spy the three screws. But wait, there are a bunch of pipes here as well. No problem to remove those, right? Wrong. Water, water everywhere. With no pump, gravity takes over. I really should have known this. The gush of water and me with a coffee cup trying to catch it all. I am losing. To make matters worse, I gashed the top of my hand directly into a vein. Water everywhere and I am bleeding like a garden hose with a hole in it.
Now all I can hear is my wife hyperventilating. Poor woman. Blood on the washer and dryer. Water soaking into the flooring that now needs to be replaced. Dirty, wet towels everywhere. Nothing will make you feel less adequate that knowing you did this and now your wife is literally hyperventilating because of it. Self talk is now gone and I am reacting out of my hurt. She says "all this mess in my laundry room" and I say "I'm doing the best I can" and on and on and on. It was really much worse a scene that I'm describing, but I am way, way long here.
Her OCD is hard for me to understand. I do understand what it is and why it is there. But I don't necessarily "get" it. It is not a choice for her. Hopefully it will diminish as she works through her issues with God, with me, and some others, but it may not. Either way, what IS a choice is my reaction. My pride was hurt and in that moment I became self-centered. I wanted her to think of me and affirm me. Back to my old patterns and I reacted out of my hurt. Rather than offering compassion and security I probably made her feel like she was defective and a bother. Someone who can only be loved if she performs well or doesn't trouble me. I used to do that a lot. When my expectations weren't met (and they rarely were) I became needy. Reacting out of my hurt. Only offering love when I felt like I got what I needed.
My motivation was not love for my wife, but rather love for myself.
As I've processed the events of yesterday, I do see that stress was the key factor. Because of the added stress of the moment I reverted back. It has felt good to be free of that old behavior, but yesterday was a reminder that it takes constant work. Loving my wife well must become a second nature and that takes time. I am learning, but slowly. Another bit of learning that I've internalized - God doesn't love me less for my failures as a husband (or as a repairman), in fact I think He is pleased with what I'm learning and in becoming the man He designed me to be. It's a process, part of working out my salvation.
Oh, also learned that next time I will wait for the repairman.
Monday, April 5, 2010
My New Shirt
This weekend represented the one year anniversary of my totally losing my mind. A friend of mine commented about the distance that I have travelled this past year. It is unbelievable the depths that I had to fall to and the painful self-inspection that I had to do in order to get to this place of grace and trust in God. I guess other people, in addition to my friend, are noticing and responding to the changes in me.
I was asked to visibly participate for the first time this weekend in the Easter services at my church. Lately I have been getting back outside my self imposed box. Greeting people before service, initiating conversations with seemingly disconnected people so that they will feel connected to someone - just something small. The eagerness that I feel to get involved is a big part of the healing process, especially getting to the point where I feel like I have something to offer.
The caveat that was given to me when I was asked to serve was that I had to dress "super cool". Quickly I suppressed the thoughts of "well, how the heck do I usually look?" and I was too excited and overwhelmed to throw out the joke "yeah, wife beater and cut-offs, no problem." After discussing the opportunity with my wife (and the accompanying caveat - to which we both laughed), she was excited for me - it is becoming clearer and clearer through our conversations that she is ready to accept me doing what God wants. Quite the change going on in her. Involvement is not something to be jealous of. My attitude and boundaries will help keep her supportive rather than combative. Yet another lesson learned.
Now, how do we address the suggestion to look "super cool"? Pretty sure that is not in my wardrobe. Cool - quite possibly. Casual - for sure. In fact, there are times that I have been know to look super. Never super cool. Please don't worry over those statements, that is just a reality of myself that I'm comfortable with, not a desire for someone to affirm how I look. I've got a master's degree in Mathematics - a group that will never be known as "super cool" - so I have to admit that given that background I think I excel in the area of style.
Yet, as amazing as this mathematician looks, I had to delegate the Easter weekend outfit choice to my wife. Jeans. That was easy. I have some great shoes that a friend's wife bought for me (yes, my previous style choice was so bad that someone had their own personal intervention). But the shirt - always perilous. After surveying the choices, my wifey immediately offered to take me to Kohl's. (By the way, the only thing I love more than Kohl's is parenthetical remarks, as you can tell from this blog. Our house has a special celebration dance when we get mailed a 30% off Kohl's coupon. That coupled with my proclivity to shop on the 80% off rack makes stuff almost free - hey, wait, that may be part of my problem. I'm shopping on the 80% off rack - I'm buying the clothes no one else wants. Wow, more self realization.)
Anyway, she offers to take me to Kohl's and I said no. I've got more than enough clothes to choose from, we are going to pick from what I have.
Never would I have predicted just how important that response was to my wife. Fast forward to three days later. We are enjoying a family weekend away. Making up for some lost time. The shirt decision has long since been made. As we unpack, my wife says "I've got a present for you." That's great. I love presents - that maybe she was going to give me a kiss or a can of cashews to enjoy by the pool. (We'll keep this G-rated as to what I was hoping the present was.) Nope. It was a shirt. She had secretly gone out and got something "pretty super cool". The purchase was made, not because she thought what we settled on was bad; not because we have extra money burning a hole in our bank account; simply because she was proud of my declaration.
Her observation was that the old me would have run right out to buy something new in order to appease people's opinions. My firm choice to pick from what I had meant everything to her for it was outward evidence of change within me. Less people-pleasing.
I could not have faked this moment, it is not even something that I would have been aware to change or a way to show her I had changed. It was just a natural expression of my new comfort with who I am in Christ.
Glad she noticed.
I was asked to visibly participate for the first time this weekend in the Easter services at my church. Lately I have been getting back outside my self imposed box. Greeting people before service, initiating conversations with seemingly disconnected people so that they will feel connected to someone - just something small. The eagerness that I feel to get involved is a big part of the healing process, especially getting to the point where I feel like I have something to offer.
The caveat that was given to me when I was asked to serve was that I had to dress "super cool". Quickly I suppressed the thoughts of "well, how the heck do I usually look?" and I was too excited and overwhelmed to throw out the joke "yeah, wife beater and cut-offs, no problem." After discussing the opportunity with my wife (and the accompanying caveat - to which we both laughed), she was excited for me - it is becoming clearer and clearer through our conversations that she is ready to accept me doing what God wants. Quite the change going on in her. Involvement is not something to be jealous of. My attitude and boundaries will help keep her supportive rather than combative. Yet another lesson learned.
Now, how do we address the suggestion to look "super cool"? Pretty sure that is not in my wardrobe. Cool - quite possibly. Casual - for sure. In fact, there are times that I have been know to look super. Never super cool. Please don't worry over those statements, that is just a reality of myself that I'm comfortable with, not a desire for someone to affirm how I look. I've got a master's degree in Mathematics - a group that will never be known as "super cool" - so I have to admit that given that background I think I excel in the area of style.
Yet, as amazing as this mathematician looks, I had to delegate the Easter weekend outfit choice to my wife. Jeans. That was easy. I have some great shoes that a friend's wife bought for me (yes, my previous style choice was so bad that someone had their own personal intervention). But the shirt - always perilous. After surveying the choices, my wifey immediately offered to take me to Kohl's. (By the way, the only thing I love more than Kohl's is parenthetical remarks, as you can tell from this blog. Our house has a special celebration dance when we get mailed a 30% off Kohl's coupon. That coupled with my proclivity to shop on the 80% off rack makes stuff almost free - hey, wait, that may be part of my problem. I'm shopping on the 80% off rack - I'm buying the clothes no one else wants. Wow, more self realization.)
Anyway, she offers to take me to Kohl's and I said no. I've got more than enough clothes to choose from, we are going to pick from what I have.
Never would I have predicted just how important that response was to my wife. Fast forward to three days later. We are enjoying a family weekend away. Making up for some lost time. The shirt decision has long since been made. As we unpack, my wife says "I've got a present for you." That's great. I love presents - that maybe she was going to give me a kiss or a can of cashews to enjoy by the pool. (We'll keep this G-rated as to what I was hoping the present was.) Nope. It was a shirt. She had secretly gone out and got something "pretty super cool". The purchase was made, not because she thought what we settled on was bad; not because we have extra money burning a hole in our bank account; simply because she was proud of my declaration.
Her observation was that the old me would have run right out to buy something new in order to appease people's opinions. My firm choice to pick from what I had meant everything to her for it was outward evidence of change within me. Less people-pleasing.
I could not have faked this moment, it is not even something that I would have been aware to change or a way to show her I had changed. It was just a natural expression of my new comfort with who I am in Christ.
Glad she noticed.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The Moment
With one notable exception, I have maintained good boundaries with women. Going back to my time as a college math instructor before pastoring, I would never have a female student in my office with the door closed. If I was in a home as a hired tutor and the student was a girl, I would insist someone else be in the room with us. I didn't want anything left to chance.
As a pastor, I further developed these boundaries. If I had an off campus meeting with a leader that was a woman, there was always three of us. On one occasion, my women's ministry director happened to also work at the church and we were going to meet someone off campus for a lunch meeting. To her chagrin and befuddlement, I insisted that we drive separately. For another off campus meeting, the third person called while I was standing in the restaurant to say she couldn't attend. In that case, before I sat I called the husband of the other leader to make sure he knew where we were, what we were doing, and if that was OK. I wanted to avoid the appearance of evil.
Understandably, all it takes is one failing in this area for all trust to dissolve and perceptions to change.
The lady who cut my hair told me she was uncomfortable being around me. That was the new perception. Several months before that when she began trying to cross boundaries with me, I called her husband and told him he needed to talk with his wife. Turns out she was having multiple affairs. Their marriage was saved.
One of my key leaders of our recovery ministry told me she was uncomfortable talking to me anymore because she felt like she could be the next woman I went after. Before that this woman considered me her big brother.
Perceptions change. Yet, the truth of the matter was that I didn't let the former woman cross any boundaries with me and it never crossed my mind to 'go after' the latter. My mind was always prepared for someone to overtly approach me, either physically or with their conversation, and I had my way out planned.
While my boundaries were pretty good, everything was not perfect. I became pretty indiscriminant with my phone number. With both men and women. Rather than it being reserved for leaders and people my wife knew of, I wrote it down for lots of people in need. Facebook became a nightmare. Logging on would start and avalanche of people seeking teaching, pastoral care and counsel. I've been pretty upfront about my desire for approval and affirmation. If you've read other blogs, you know my pride.
I wanted to be the hero. To solve people's problems. Have them grateful.
While I was hoping for and was prepared for gratitude. What I was not prepared for was to actually become someone's hero. To be overtly respected and admired. To be sought out and listened to. To be affirmed and have someone pursue knowing me in return.
For many pastors, this would not have been a problem. They could have shaken this off like I did the woman who wanted to complain to me about her husband. But for me, these were the things missing in my own marriage. My God given desire was to receive this attention from my wife. I was experiencing an extended drought of respect and attention from my wife, and this substitute, while not the real thing, felt good. Without a proper relationship with God to provide balance, this was the foothold that I gave Satan in my life.
My pride told me "you can manage this, you can be married and have a close friendship with another woman, this actually helps you take the pressure off your wife". That's self-justification in action.
The truth of it is, the more I let myself receive this attention and the closer we got, the more I wanted of it. One boundary fell after another. Right or wrong, my perception was that I had no one else to talk to. I opened up to her. That was the moment for me that I knew things were not right. That was supposed to be the boundary you never cross. Phone calls, chats, visits just to hang out. The foothold was not physical, yet the emotional bond got stronger and stronger.
Eventually the grass seemed greener. Forget my wife. Forget building perseverance, leading to character, pointing to hope. How could God play this cruel joke on me and let me meet this person while married? As I have said before, I was drunk on my sin and I began making the decisions that drunk people make. That tatoo makes sense the night before when you are drunk.
It took God to sober me up. That was the miracle of a God who never left me, never condoned what I was doing, and waited patiently for me to recognize my folly and get my head out of the mud. I think my next blog will be on the miracle.
The pertinent question is: Why will this not happen again? What is different now? Good question.
The short answer is that I am not the same person. My relationship with God is changed, not because He is different, but because I am new. My marriage is different because I am not the same (and my wife too, of course, but we're talking about me here). I trust God. I recognize that it is not my performance the He is interested in. I am experiencing brokenness. My love for my wife is other-centered, not based on what she can do for me. I am learning to communicate out of strength rather than neediness. All my fears are on the table and I am every day operating less out of avoidance of them. My affirmation is from God.
As a practical example, at the college in which I am now an instructor, according to my monthly evaluations I am experiencing statistically improbable success. Especially for a math teacher, among the most hated, student and administration response to me has been unlike any other time I've taught. In the past I pined for good evaluations. Read through them and based my image of myself on what was said. I obsessed on the bad - how could they say that about me??? - and took pride in the good. Now I chuckle at my evaluations and forward them to my wife so she can too. The success I'm getting here is from God, I am utterly convinced. I take it as Him considering me ready.
God has restored my love for people. Not a love of what is in it for me. Just a love because He loves them. I've counseled students spiritually. It is no longer in my mind to be their hero. There are other examples that I see in myself. There are other reasons that this won't happen again. But I hope you get the picture. It's not external. It's not because my marriage is now perfect. It's not because my job is fulfilling or that I have an abundance of close friendships.
God has changed me.
Thanks for reading.
As a pastor, I further developed these boundaries. If I had an off campus meeting with a leader that was a woman, there was always three of us. On one occasion, my women's ministry director happened to also work at the church and we were going to meet someone off campus for a lunch meeting. To her chagrin and befuddlement, I insisted that we drive separately. For another off campus meeting, the third person called while I was standing in the restaurant to say she couldn't attend. In that case, before I sat I called the husband of the other leader to make sure he knew where we were, what we were doing, and if that was OK. I wanted to avoid the appearance of evil.
Understandably, all it takes is one failing in this area for all trust to dissolve and perceptions to change.
The lady who cut my hair told me she was uncomfortable being around me. That was the new perception. Several months before that when she began trying to cross boundaries with me, I called her husband and told him he needed to talk with his wife. Turns out she was having multiple affairs. Their marriage was saved.
One of my key leaders of our recovery ministry told me she was uncomfortable talking to me anymore because she felt like she could be the next woman I went after. Before that this woman considered me her big brother.
Perceptions change. Yet, the truth of the matter was that I didn't let the former woman cross any boundaries with me and it never crossed my mind to 'go after' the latter. My mind was always prepared for someone to overtly approach me, either physically or with their conversation, and I had my way out planned.
While my boundaries were pretty good, everything was not perfect. I became pretty indiscriminant with my phone number. With both men and women. Rather than it being reserved for leaders and people my wife knew of, I wrote it down for lots of people in need. Facebook became a nightmare. Logging on would start and avalanche of people seeking teaching, pastoral care and counsel. I've been pretty upfront about my desire for approval and affirmation. If you've read other blogs, you know my pride.
I wanted to be the hero. To solve people's problems. Have them grateful.
While I was hoping for and was prepared for gratitude. What I was not prepared for was to actually become someone's hero. To be overtly respected and admired. To be sought out and listened to. To be affirmed and have someone pursue knowing me in return.
For many pastors, this would not have been a problem. They could have shaken this off like I did the woman who wanted to complain to me about her husband. But for me, these were the things missing in my own marriage. My God given desire was to receive this attention from my wife. I was experiencing an extended drought of respect and attention from my wife, and this substitute, while not the real thing, felt good. Without a proper relationship with God to provide balance, this was the foothold that I gave Satan in my life.
My pride told me "you can manage this, you can be married and have a close friendship with another woman, this actually helps you take the pressure off your wife". That's self-justification in action.
The truth of it is, the more I let myself receive this attention and the closer we got, the more I wanted of it. One boundary fell after another. Right or wrong, my perception was that I had no one else to talk to. I opened up to her. That was the moment for me that I knew things were not right. That was supposed to be the boundary you never cross. Phone calls, chats, visits just to hang out. The foothold was not physical, yet the emotional bond got stronger and stronger.
Eventually the grass seemed greener. Forget my wife. Forget building perseverance, leading to character, pointing to hope. How could God play this cruel joke on me and let me meet this person while married? As I have said before, I was drunk on my sin and I began making the decisions that drunk people make. That tatoo makes sense the night before when you are drunk.
It took God to sober me up. That was the miracle of a God who never left me, never condoned what I was doing, and waited patiently for me to recognize my folly and get my head out of the mud. I think my next blog will be on the miracle.
The pertinent question is: Why will this not happen again? What is different now? Good question.
The short answer is that I am not the same person. My relationship with God is changed, not because He is different, but because I am new. My marriage is different because I am not the same (and my wife too, of course, but we're talking about me here). I trust God. I recognize that it is not my performance the He is interested in. I am experiencing brokenness. My love for my wife is other-centered, not based on what she can do for me. I am learning to communicate out of strength rather than neediness. All my fears are on the table and I am every day operating less out of avoidance of them. My affirmation is from God.
As a practical example, at the college in which I am now an instructor, according to my monthly evaluations I am experiencing statistically improbable success. Especially for a math teacher, among the most hated, student and administration response to me has been unlike any other time I've taught. In the past I pined for good evaluations. Read through them and based my image of myself on what was said. I obsessed on the bad - how could they say that about me??? - and took pride in the good. Now I chuckle at my evaluations and forward them to my wife so she can too. The success I'm getting here is from God, I am utterly convinced. I take it as Him considering me ready.
God has restored my love for people. Not a love of what is in it for me. Just a love because He loves them. I've counseled students spiritually. It is no longer in my mind to be their hero. There are other examples that I see in myself. There are other reasons that this won't happen again. But I hope you get the picture. It's not external. It's not because my marriage is now perfect. It's not because my job is fulfilling or that I have an abundance of close friendships.
God has changed me.
Thanks for reading.
Hitting the Guardrails
I have been known as a guy who can hit guardrails. If during a meeting someone would tell me that I was being too loud, then I would (loudly) declare that I would no longer be speaking. Some of this was for show, yet some of this had an internal component too. While the emotional guardrails had been present with me for a long time, more and more they were becoming evident in my behavior. If I didn't enter the work environment with brashness, jokes, hugs and clever greetings then people would go on alert that something was wrong.
This began happening more and more frequently. When asked I would make a joke that everyone could stand down the 'suicide watch', that I just wanted to be quiet, couldn't I just act like a normal guy one day. That would at least satiate people's expressed concern. Trouble was, something was wrong.
Yesterday, my wife and I were talking about our days, and as we were chatting I told her that for the past few weeks I have just felt happy. It wasn't something that I was trying to achieve, it just WAS and it felt great. That used to be my 'normal', just a happy and content guy. (Although, in my previous 'normal' the happiness had more to do with people liking me, but it was at least not a battle to maintain a state of happiness.)
Now I know that some people will read this and think that I am missing the point, happiness is not our goal. Trust me, lesson learned, I know this. I'm not living for a feeling. Feelings are deceptive, they will change and diminish. I have lived in slavery to my feelings and I feel qualified to make the distinction. So maybe my word choice is not great, after all I am trying to blog and I don't want this to be overly scripted. Maybe what is going on would be better conveyed through words like joyful, confident, grateful, forgiven, secure, or maybe it is all those rolled into one.
What I am driving at is this is not a matter of a happiness because something good has happened to change my circumstance. In fact, much of my circumstance is still in confusion. Many of my relationships are still very damaged and there is a community of people that still have a perception of my fallen legacy. I have no guarantees of being the perfect husband or father, of having the perfect marriage, of having the ministry that my soul longs for daily, or of so many other things. But that is not the stuff that matters.
No longer do I continually battle the inner turmoil that I had been. Looking to my circumstances and the fulfillment of my expectations to define the quality of my relationship with God. It used to be that criticisms or deficiencies left an open wound of hurt in me. Loneliness consumed me in my marriage as my wife was battling with my expectations (and losing) and had baggage of her own that she was fighting to avoid. In a gathering with some friends last night, we declared "We are messed up!" So funny to hear us declare the obvious - at least we were laughing instead of crying or yelling.
It is ironic that running from or masking your fears makes you so much more likely to be hurt by them. That was one of my growing problems, I was a slave to my mask and who I wanted others to think I was. My guardrails became more frequent because this was getting harder and harder to maintain. Happiness now comes from embracing the freedom that Christ gives. Trusting God with my fears. Accepting His grace to not be absolutely perfect in everything that I do.
I just laughed as I hit the enter key at the end of the previous line. That seems so simple. It used to frustrate me when an author would make such a simple statement and move on. In fact, I once was so pissed off at a particular book I kept yelling "yes, I want that" while circling the offensive paragraph in the book. I ended up circling a hole through about 100 pages. Oh well, what's fifteen bucks when you're having so much fun.
This is the place I expected to be when I started typing awhile ago. But if you are not just walking the journey with me, but are rather looking for hope and happen to see a glimmer of yourself in anything I've said in this or some other post, please don't give up. I know. It's frustrating and I'm not going to leave the story there. To be able to talk about freedom, trust and grace has been an exhausting and painful process that I'll dive deep into in our times together. I used to have all the knowledge in my head, but there was a disconnect with my heart, which became the most frustrating thing of all. Why was God so far away and so quiet? Turns out the problem was with me and not God. Go figure.
This began happening more and more frequently. When asked I would make a joke that everyone could stand down the 'suicide watch', that I just wanted to be quiet, couldn't I just act like a normal guy one day. That would at least satiate people's expressed concern. Trouble was, something was wrong.
Yesterday, my wife and I were talking about our days, and as we were chatting I told her that for the past few weeks I have just felt happy. It wasn't something that I was trying to achieve, it just WAS and it felt great. That used to be my 'normal', just a happy and content guy. (Although, in my previous 'normal' the happiness had more to do with people liking me, but it was at least not a battle to maintain a state of happiness.)
Now I know that some people will read this and think that I am missing the point, happiness is not our goal. Trust me, lesson learned, I know this. I'm not living for a feeling. Feelings are deceptive, they will change and diminish. I have lived in slavery to my feelings and I feel qualified to make the distinction. So maybe my word choice is not great, after all I am trying to blog and I don't want this to be overly scripted. Maybe what is going on would be better conveyed through words like joyful, confident, grateful, forgiven, secure, or maybe it is all those rolled into one.
What I am driving at is this is not a matter of a happiness because something good has happened to change my circumstance. In fact, much of my circumstance is still in confusion. Many of my relationships are still very damaged and there is a community of people that still have a perception of my fallen legacy. I have no guarantees of being the perfect husband or father, of having the perfect marriage, of having the ministry that my soul longs for daily, or of so many other things. But that is not the stuff that matters.
No longer do I continually battle the inner turmoil that I had been. Looking to my circumstances and the fulfillment of my expectations to define the quality of my relationship with God. It used to be that criticisms or deficiencies left an open wound of hurt in me. Loneliness consumed me in my marriage as my wife was battling with my expectations (and losing) and had baggage of her own that she was fighting to avoid. In a gathering with some friends last night, we declared "We are messed up!" So funny to hear us declare the obvious - at least we were laughing instead of crying or yelling.
It is ironic that running from or masking your fears makes you so much more likely to be hurt by them. That was one of my growing problems, I was a slave to my mask and who I wanted others to think I was. My guardrails became more frequent because this was getting harder and harder to maintain. Happiness now comes from embracing the freedom that Christ gives. Trusting God with my fears. Accepting His grace to not be absolutely perfect in everything that I do.
I just laughed as I hit the enter key at the end of the previous line. That seems so simple. It used to frustrate me when an author would make such a simple statement and move on. In fact, I once was so pissed off at a particular book I kept yelling "yes, I want that" while circling the offensive paragraph in the book. I ended up circling a hole through about 100 pages. Oh well, what's fifteen bucks when you're having so much fun.
This is the place I expected to be when I started typing awhile ago. But if you are not just walking the journey with me, but are rather looking for hope and happen to see a glimmer of yourself in anything I've said in this or some other post, please don't give up. I know. It's frustrating and I'm not going to leave the story there. To be able to talk about freedom, trust and grace has been an exhausting and painful process that I'll dive deep into in our times together. I used to have all the knowledge in my head, but there was a disconnect with my heart, which became the most frustrating thing of all. Why was God so far away and so quiet? Turns out the problem was with me and not God. Go figure.
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