Being Passive

In Exodus it says the the sins of a father are passed on for three or four generations. As I have been looking at myself spiritually and emotionally, the reality of generational patterns has been becoming more and more obvious in my life. Now, I have not put extensive thought into reflecting on my family yet, but some of the things that have been modeled for me and passed on are too obvious to not bring into the discussion. (A project that I am researching for my wife and I is to construct a genogram and very intentionally look at the good and bad that was our parents and their relationship in order to determine some of the baggage/strategies that we have carried into our relationship.)

I don't want this to come across as an indictment on my dad and I think we all understand that. He was a good dad. Involved in my extracurricular activities, generous, and I knew he loved me, but among some other things, my dad was and is passive. The idea of a strong man that I got from him was like Rocky Balboa - just take the punishment. Remember in Rocky IV? Rocky vs. the big Russian dude (Ivan Drago?) and they are in Russia and Rocky is just getting the mess beat out of his face. He's barely lifting his arms, motioning to the other fighter; basically giving an open invitation to just tire himself out bloodying him. Until Rocky took enough, then he vengefully let loose and won.

A lot of that reminds me of my dad. Whatever is going on in his life he just takes in. Disagreements and conflict with his wife? Just absorb it and smooth it over. Sibling conflict? Just withdraw from the relationship. Death of parents and daughter? Just live in regret and pay your penance by visiting the grave frequently. Mind you, he has not processed nor dealt with his issues, in fact they are right below the surface bubbling like hot lava waiting for a vent to release the pressure. Dad drives angry. That's an outlet. Occasionally he will get snippy with a server at a restaurant. Look out. But for the most part he is just very passive in his relationships. Not rocking the boat or talking about anything of depth.

In a lot of ways, I have carried this baton from my dad, although I wouldn't put myself as far down the passivity scale as he falls. For me, it is hard to separate what is passive and what is people pleasing, but the tendency is there. I'll withdraw in conflict. Many times I'll give up leadership in situations in which not only am I the responsible party but through which I am gifted by God to lead well. Sometimes that's where the interesting mix of people pleasing comes in. Take the front loading washing machine incident of the last post. There was a point that I had a proposed path to solve the problem that I abandoned when my wife pushed back rather emotionally. I backed down because part of me wanted to be the hero, but a larger part wanted to do what was necessary to avoid confrontation. That's being passive and probably my greatest area of work in marriage.

In the past I have wanted my wife to respect my leadership and give me the room necessary to lead. What I am learning about femininity is that, in her desire for security, if I am not leading she will fill the void. It is my job as a husband to give her something to which she can respond. That's a paradigm shift in my thinking. Confrontation would happen in any marriage, especially as the husband lovingly asserts himself. In our case we have almost 15 years of bad habits to relearn, covenant trust to be rebuilt, not to mention a healthy dose of OCD that makes all this even more precarious.

Yet, my desire is to be the man God made me to be so that our marriage can be all this world will allow. So my journey involves one of moving toward more strength. Primarily in my marriage, but in all my relationships - for so many of them fall into this same pattern that I've adopted with my wife. Knowing my propensity for guardrails, I am hoping to achieve balance rather than swing the pendulum all the way in the other direction. That is a fear not shared by those I've talked with about this - I'm told I am a genuinely nice guy who wants to follow God so I'm not likely to be a wife beater, but erring on the side of strength wouldn't be a bad thing.

So, I'll make my best effort to face my fears and move toward strength. The time of passivity is passing.