The Moment

With one notable exception, I have maintained good boundaries with women. Going back to my time as a college math instructor before pastoring, I would never have a female student in my office with the door closed. If I was in a home as a hired tutor and the student was a girl, I would insist someone else be in the room with us. I didn't want anything left to chance.

As a pastor, I further developed these boundaries. If I had an off campus meeting with a leader that was a woman, there was always three of us. On one occasion, my women's ministry director happened to also work at the church and we were going to meet someone off campus for a lunch meeting. To her chagrin and befuddlement, I insisted that we drive separately. For another off campus meeting, the third person called while I was standing in the restaurant to say she couldn't attend. In that case, before I sat I called the husband of the other leader to make sure he knew where we were, what we were doing, and if that was OK. I wanted to avoid the appearance of evil.

Understandably, all it takes is one failing in this area for all trust to dissolve and perceptions to change.

The lady who cut my hair told me she was uncomfortable being around me. That was the new perception. Several months before that when she began trying to cross boundaries with me, I called her husband and told him he needed to talk with his wife. Turns out she was having multiple affairs. Their marriage was saved.

One of my key leaders of our recovery ministry told me she was uncomfortable talking to me anymore because she felt like she could be the next woman I went after. Before that this woman considered me her big brother.

Perceptions change. Yet, the truth of the matter was that I didn't let the former woman cross any boundaries with me and it never crossed my mind to 'go after' the latter. My mind was always prepared for someone to overtly approach me, either physically or with their conversation, and I had my way out planned.

While my boundaries were pretty good, everything was not perfect. I became pretty indiscriminant with my phone number. With both men and women. Rather than it being reserved for leaders and people my wife knew of, I wrote it down for lots of people in need. Facebook became a nightmare. Logging on would start and avalanche of people seeking teaching, pastoral care and counsel. I've been pretty upfront about my desire for approval and affirmation. If you've read other blogs, you know my pride.

I wanted to be the hero. To solve people's problems. Have them grateful.

While I was hoping for and was prepared for gratitude. What I was not prepared for was to actually become someone's hero. To be overtly respected and admired. To be sought out and listened to. To be affirmed and have someone pursue knowing me in return.

For many pastors, this would not have been a problem. They could have shaken this off like I did the woman who wanted to complain to me about her husband. But for me, these were the things missing in my own marriage. My God given desire was to receive this attention from my wife. I was experiencing an extended drought of respect and attention from my wife, and this substitute, while not the real thing, felt good. Without a proper relationship with God to provide balance, this was the foothold that I gave Satan in my life.

My pride told me "you can manage this, you can be married and have a close friendship with another woman, this actually helps you take the pressure off your wife". That's self-justification in action.

The truth of it is, the more I let myself receive this attention and the closer we got, the more I wanted of it. One boundary fell after another. Right or wrong, my perception was that I had no one else to talk to. I opened up to her. That was the moment for me that I knew things were not right. That was supposed to be the boundary you never cross. Phone calls, chats, visits just to hang out. The foothold was not physical, yet the emotional bond got stronger and stronger.

Eventually the grass seemed greener. Forget my wife. Forget building perseverance, leading to character, pointing to hope. How could God play this cruel joke on me and let me meet this person while married? As I have said before, I was drunk on my sin and I began making the decisions that drunk people make. That tatoo makes sense the night before when you are drunk.

It took God to sober me up. That was the miracle of a God who never left me, never condoned what I was doing, and waited patiently for me to recognize my folly and get my head out of the mud. I think my next blog will be on the miracle.

The pertinent question is: Why will this not happen again? What is different now? Good question.

The short answer is that I am not the same person. My relationship with God is changed, not because He is different, but because I am new. My marriage is different because I am not the same (and my wife too, of course, but we're talking about me here). I trust God. I recognize that it is not my performance the He is interested in. I am experiencing brokenness. My love for my wife is other-centered, not based on what she can do for me. I am learning to communicate out of strength rather than neediness. All my fears are on the table and I am every day operating less out of avoidance of them. My affirmation is from God.

As a practical example, at the college in which I am now an instructor, according to my monthly evaluations I am experiencing statistically improbable success. Especially for a math teacher, among the most hated, student and administration response to me has been unlike any other time I've taught. In the past I pined for good evaluations. Read through them and based my image of myself on what was said. I obsessed on the bad - how could they say that about me??? - and took pride in the good. Now I chuckle at my evaluations and forward them to my wife so she can too. The success I'm getting here is from God, I am utterly convinced. I take it as Him considering me ready.

God has restored my love for people. Not a love of what is in it for me. Just a love because He loves them. I've counseled students spiritually. It is no longer in my mind to be their hero. There are other examples that I see in myself. There are other reasons that this won't happen again. But I hope you get the picture. It's not external. It's not because my marriage is now perfect. It's not because my job is fulfilling or that I have an abundance of close friendships.

God has changed me.

Thanks for reading.