The Man(boy) Response

All around us, we can observe a herd of man(boy)s. Full grown men, who externally appear to be adult males, whose only desire is to sit at home and play video games and shirk the responsibilities that come with adulthood. You will usually find these man(boy)s living in the basement of their parent's home eating peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches that their moms have trimmed the crust off of.

Not too long ago, I worked with a woman whose husband had two video game systems, had set up a separate game room, and had walled himself off - despite her pleas to be with him and her desire to know this man(boy). One of the frustrating experiences she had with him was on a couples camping trip when he brought the game system to play with his friends while the women made their own wilderness fun. Happened to be their last camping trip.

So, it is with that exposition that I understand why it is in the church we have laid down the gauntlet for men to be men. Men to be responsible for their families. Men to step up in church. Men to stop manipulating and using women.

There are a lot of man(boy)s out there.

But, I think there is danger in attempting to balance the scales by weighting our message too far in the other direction. Creating false blanket statements about manhood in an attempt to smoke out the man(boy)s.

The message evolves into - if you are a man experiencing problems in the home, then the problem is your leadership. There must be something wrong with the way you are following Christ. Men's shoulders become heavy with the burdens that we heap upon them.

Yes, of course, we should teach about biblical manhood and what role and responsibility have been given to men by God. But we cannot lump all problems on the shoulders of men.

Following Christ is not a formula. Putting in X will always give you Y.

That is the gospel of performance. It is a lie, leads to shame and slavery. And offers nothing to guys like the one in my office last week who is trying to do everything right. Leading his family by godly principles. Offering more of himself to his family. Stepping up in church. Yet, he continues to experience the pain of a woman who refuses to follow him.

A guy who is so frustrated by the message that there are untold numbers of women in the church that are looking for a godly man to commit to. He's completely frustrated in his relationship to a woman who has made a decision to wall herself off emotionally, to not allow herself to be known by him, to not respect his decisions, and to basically combat the decisions and actions he's made as he tries to lead his family in godliness.

He's not perfect, but he is shamed by pastoral tweets that say "a good wife is forged not found". Implying that it is the man's responsibility to create a godly wife. That's performance gospel.

He's dejected by the statement that "the greatest display of grace that God can have in your life is a godly wife". That the gospel of circumstance. What is the conclusion for the man who does not have a godly wife? Is God's grace unavailable? Only available to a lesser degree? Is God's grace circumstantial?

This is so opposite the message we give to wives of unbelieving husbands, who get our sympathy, yet husbands with difficult or unbelieving wives are made to believe they are doing something wrong. Some of what passes for good marriages in the church are simply men who have wives who have committed to making it all about the man's needs and desires. That is not every man's reality.

Our message may need adjustment. God's desire is for us to experience the reality of his Son. Grace comes to us through Jesus; God entering our world and our story. He grieves for the man with a difficult marriage just as he celebrates for the man who experiences intimacy. Teach about men's roles; teach about their responsibilities; teach about biblical manhood. But don't tie it to some expectation of performance or results. That is not the light yoke promised by the One who saved us.