New Math

Finally... I knew that at some point my background in mathematics would come in handy in my bloggings! Was chatting with someone last week about the thought process that we tend to follow when we rely on something other than Christ to add value to our sense of self.

In his book The Pressure's Off, Larry Crabb calls this the Law of Linearity, but it goes by many names and is the underlying theme of so many books on relationships, leadership, parenting, and even discipleship. It is really the conditional statement "if I do X, then I will get Y".

The premise or condition X has something to do with my behavior or what I have and value is reflected back to the self through the consequence, Y. It is a statement of the false self to satisfy the lie that we are living by which has the effects of being manipulative, exhausting, and ultimately results in a never ending cycle of dissatisfaction.

It looks something like these...

If I please my boss, then I will get affirmation.

If I am a good parent, then my kids will turn out great.

If I do something to make my wife happy, then she will have sex with me.

If I am pretty enough, then he will stay with me.

If I get new job, then I will be happy.

If I get married, then I won't be lonely.

If people need me, then I will not feel insecure.

If my preaching is good, then my church will grow.

There is nothing wrong with wanting your kids to turn out great, having a church that is growing, or desiring to have sex with your wife. Those and the others are normal, healthy desires. The problems arises when good things become ultimate things. For instance, when rather than having a desire for affirmation, it becomes a need that the sense of self is dependent upon. Here we end up with a sense of self that is based on things that are prone to change, are not constant, and are going to leave us disappointed.

Desires are a normal part of life. When we attach a condition to them, they become expectations. If X, then Y (our conditional statement) is an expectation. Problem is that expectations go unmet, which leads to disappointment, hurt and shame. The New Math will help us to understand why. Unmet expectations turn the statement around. If not Y, then not X.

Flipping a conditional statement around and negating it is called the contrapositive. It is of interest to our discussion because the contrapositive is logically equivalent to the original. Equivalent means they have the same meaning - so when we turn them around, notice the affect on the self.

If I did not get affirmation, then I did not please my boss.

Notice that the weight of the result here is on me. I was not good enough, that is why I did not get what I needed. So, maybe I'll work harder next time to get the taste of what I need. The contrapositive to the Law of Linearity produces shame, because if only there wasn't something wrong with me or what I did, I would have gotten what I needed. We can see the same thing in the other contrapositive statements:

If my kids did not turn out great, then I am not a good parent.

If my wife won't have sex with me, then I did not make my wife happy.

If he will not stay with me, then I am not pretty enough.

If I am not happy, then I did not get the (right) new job.

If I am lonely, then I did not marry (correctly).

If I feel insecure, then people don't need me.

If my church does not grow, then my preaching is not good.

Sorry for the math lesson. I had to release my inner math nerd, and I hope it didn't distract from the point. The conditional statements that we convince ourselves are true are the result of trying to fix out own brokenness. So, I'll feel less broken (i.e. I'll get Y) if I do X. The unfortunate result is that when those attempts to find our identity fail, the result is further damage to our soul (the equivalent contrapositive).

The reality is that an identity tied to Christ will never forsake us. There is no "If I X, then Jesus will love me." It is just, Jesus loves me. There is no contrapositive, no weight, no self effort, and no shame. Just the truth of Jesus to substitute for our lie.