Who's To Blame?

Who knew that Jimmy Buffet was so wise? As the song "Margaritaville" runs it course, Jimmy comes to the following conclusion with the final lyrics of the song "Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I know it's my own damn fault". (Great, now I'll have that song in my head as I go to teach tonight...speaking of which, I can't wait to see if the dude in the front row wears his three inch spiked heals again tonight...never had a cross-dresser in class before.)

Going though the lyrics of his song, it seems Jim is wondering how he ended up wasting away in Margaritaville. Each verse increases his self-reflection. First it's nobody's fault, then it may be his fault, and finally he gets honest enough to confess that he knows it is his own fault. While I was never stuck in Margaritaville, I did have a problem with blame assessment that God has had to deal with.

One of the miracles that God has done for me, really the one that helped to dissolve the anger I felt towards my wife, was poking a hole in my wall of pride that I had built up regarding my marriage. I could never figure out why my wife did not adore me more. Other women obviously would if given the opportunity because I was really an ideal husband, right? I was a very considerate man. Willing to treat my wife like a princess. Of course there were a few things that I wanted in return, but it was all normal husband-wife stuff (and in the Bible!) that I was entitled to.

Thus, I came to the conclusion, as our marriage became more and more dysfunctional that the fault was mainly with my wife. Sure, I had areas to improve upon and so I was generously willing to assess myself around 15% of the blame (that's the mathematician in me). By assigning myself that number I was humbly taking one for the team - marriage is give and take, right? You can see how I was able to fool myself that another relationship was justified.

If she would just do a better job meeting my needs, then our marriage would have been much, much better. In all honesty, and I know this is sounds ridiculous because as I read it looks ridiculous, it never occurred to me to wonder why my wife had no interest in my needs. When she told me I was 'needy' that really stung because my perspective was that I was fully normal. "If having a need was being needy, then I declare that I'm guilty!" was once a reply I had for her. (Where's that considerate husband again?)

Having needs is not wrong. Having the needs was not the problem. Actually, needs are a gift from God that are intended to tie us together, to bind us together in all our relationships. It is that way with our relationship with God, it is that way with family and friends, and it is true about our marriages as well. Of course, God created some very unique needs that can only be met in a marital relationship. So, my desires were not the problem.

The problem was that I was not willing to die to myself for the sake of my wife. Isn't that what Ephesians 5 says? Often I think we look at "gave himself for her" as referring only to Christ's sacrificial death so we think, yeah I'd take a bullet in the place of my wife. But was I willing to give myself up for her? To humble myself for her? Deny my position and desires for her? To take the worst she had to dish out and still love her with abandon? Isn't that also what Christ did? It seems I wasn't willing to become selfless, putting her needs alongside my own in the relationship. The evidence that I didn't become selfless was that my God given needs became expectations of her behavior.

That's what she meant by neediness. Since success in my relationships was tied to performance, I had hung the weight of performance on my wife. Rather than creating a relational environment where my wife felt loved no matter what, it created a great burden for her - for no matter what she did, no matter what small steps toward improvement she would make, it was never enough. It is true that I didn't have a record of wrongs (how unbiblical would that be!), but I did have a record of what-you're-not-doing-rights. I was willing to go the extra mile for a couple thousand people at church, but I wasn't willing to lovingly minister to my wife. No wonder she was jealous of my job - it got the best of my love.

All of this to say that the needs that God intended to be a point of connection and intimacy for my wife and me spiraled down into points of division and alienation. Yes I was lonely. Yes I wasn't respected or desired. No there wasn't an emotional or physical connection between us. But she was longing for those things as well, and I had done nothing but create a barrier between us. I justified my passivity as giving my wife space to work through her issues, but it really just gave me an excuse to throw a pity party, say that I've done all I could, and develop other attachments to work, friends, and finally to someone else.

When Adam and Eve sinned, it is often justified that it was Eve's 'fault' because she listened to the serpent and bit the apple. It was her actions that caused the fall. But Adam was right there. Adam stood passively silent. Adam watched everything go down in flames. He had apple juice on his chin, then passed the blame. Sounds almost exactly like what happened in my marriage. Yet, Genesis says that God "called to the man" to see what happened. The relationship was his responsibility. My eyes have been opened that the same is true for me.