Who's the Boss?

It has taken a long time to learn, but I have been the king of the 'non-anxious response'. Said another way, I had come to lead my marriage (and participate in other close relationships) out of my fears and anxieties. Fear of rejection, fear of not being loved, and fear of not living up to other's expectations (disappointing others) were the things I was trying to avoid. So, it turns out, I wasn't so much leading as I was placating my own fears.

Much like my dad, I've always tended toward passivity and people pleasing. Ways to relieve my pain and avoid my fears. If I didn't open up, rejection would be less painful. If I did things to make people happy, I wouldn't have to face disappointment. While I was plenty guilty of this in all areas, I am mainly going to focus on my marital system.

Here's the problem: when your highest goal is to keep the peace, you transfer the power in the relationship. When having your own expectations met determines your happiness, the other person is in control. And that, very subtly, is what happened in my marriage. This did not happen by any nefarious plan by my wife, it is simply the equilibrium we achieved to minimize our pain.

Yet, my role is leader. God gifted me and designed me to be a leader. So, it is oh so ironic that in my immediate family I allowed my anxious response take me out of the leadership position. Just like Adam. You know that story, don't you?

Past results have been that, if I'm not leading my marriage, I am then trying to get something out of it. Placing expectations on my wife for my happiness. Rather than a ministry, marriage was about performing to get the reward. That is the definition of being undifferentiated in a relationship, if you've never heard the counseling term for it.

My wife was the boss by default. Just like Eve. Both of them facing the serpent while the men are abandoning their responsibility. My greatest failure in all of this has been that, while I was so focused on my own needs and anxieties, I didn't notice the struggle that my wife was having. The walls of protection that she was erecting. Actually, not noticing is too strong - I certainly did notice them because they caused my wife not to be able to respond to me emotionally, physically or spiritually as my wife. By the time I was emotionally empty enough to suggest getting some outside help, she was emotionally empty enough not to want to pitch in the effort. Further frustration cause by pandering to my fears.

A husband is supposed to provide the security for his wife to open up and be herself. I was so focused on the lack of respect that I was due that I was shutting her down. An exhausting cycle because my response, was to try harder and harder to have the marriage everyone would expect.

In my defense, with the example passed to my by my father, I did not have the tools to do this. My root sin of pride made it very hard to invite people into this. Frustration with God caused me to shut Him out. A bad experience quenched any trust that I did have or might have developed. And no one seemed to notice or care about what they were seeing in me. That is not a statement to try to absolve myself of responsibility, just an observation of the relational system I'd constructed.

So, harder and harder I tried, like a hamster in a wheel. My every misguided effort only served to solidify the status quo. My wife felt more hurt, alone, misunderstood and built more walls of insulation. I felt more lonely, unlovable and disrespected. Legitimate needs and desires that I wanted fulfilled in illegitimate ways. Like the hamster, my tank was empty and I was still nowhere.

Never make a decision alone when you are emotionally exhausted and spiritually empty. For me, when I was at this place, I dropped the pretensions and was emotionally honest. Unfortunately, out of this desperation, rather than pursuing godliness, I took refuge in worldliness. Bad choice.

Here's the thing, that's where we got when power was transferred in my relationship. Like Esau giving up the birthright for some stew, I gave up power to avoid my fears. The process of change requires that I take back leadership. Tough considering the 'comfort' of our known roles. Journeying toward strength means facing my fears and considering my wife's needs alongside my own. Tough because it means denying my legitimate needs and desires for a time to allow my wife the safety and room to heal. It means stepping into my God given and God designed role.

Like walking barefoot your entire life and then being given shoes, it feels awkward but hopefully both my wife and I will adjust to the comfort and protection of the new footwear. It means me having the strength to lead, and her having the strength to let me.