Practicing Trust

You hear it said a lot. People will relay this advice at funerals, reacting to a friend's loss of a job or counseling someone through a crisis - "just trust God". It sounds so spiritual to say, yet it is so nebulous. (Although, that is not the worst funeral advice I have ever overheard. That distinction belongs to a funeral director (you'd think he know better) who told exiting mourners "Make it a good night!") Usually spoken when someone is either too uncomfortable or simply does not know what to say. We hate so much to plead our ignorance, so instead we dole out the advice that is technically true in all circumstances, just trust God.

But what does it mean to trust God? It is easy to say, but hard to conceptualize. Even the title of this blog is Choosing to Trust. During the most frustrating time of my personal crisis, I can remember reading a book on marriage that made the statement about trusting God. I don't remember the context, but I do remember tearing the page out of the book in anger after angrily writing all over it "what does this mean" after any sort of exposition was lacking.

Like I said, it is easy to say or even write. Trust God. Well, no kidding, it's even printed on the back of money. (Funny sign outside a small shop while on vacation "In God we trust, all others pay cash.) In light of the trials that we will inevitably face, HOW do you trust God. My advice for anyone would be to nail this down before the trials hit, or at least the big crisis hits. You'll need something to fall back on. What does it mean to practice trust?

This took a lot of investigating, and I can honestly say that no matter what you think of this particular blog entry, dear reader, I would have paid a lot of money to read it a lot sooner. My learning, however remedial, has a large price tag attached. Jesus (who else?) really has a lot to say about what it means to trust. Some of his words are "I will be with you always", "remain in me", "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink", among many similar statements to his disciples and those following him around.

The most impactful of these statements for me is the idea of rest or a carrying of burdens. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Rest. Peace. Not a promise that everything will get better, nor a promise that everything will work our in our favor. Just a promise of faithfulness and rest. In fact, as I read much of what Jesus said to his followers, it seems mostly to boil down to a promise that he will be there. A promise, by the way, that should be comforting in and of itself.

From heaven to earth, Jesus came to us in the first place. It became painfully obvious through watching the people Israel that we would not be able to obtain righteousness through obeying the law. So He had to come to us. He became our righteousness. And He has been faithfully promising that he would be with us ever since. He'll give us springs of water flowing within, faithfully bear our burdens, give us an easy yoke, be the bread of life, and be there until the end of the age. That is really the beginning of trust, understanding that basic fact. Jesus is there. Why? Because He said so. He proved it by leaving heaven in the first place, so this is a promise that we can take to the bank.

As a kid learning to ride a bike without training wheels I knew when, on my first ride, my Dad let go of the back of my seat and I was on my own. But Dad kept running along side the bike for the entire ride. And for the second. That didn't mean I wasn't going to lose my balance and fall (I did on the first run), but it did mean he was right beside me to lean into and catch me. He was behind me, I couldn't see him, but I trusted that he was there (although, to be fair, he was huffing and puffing so I could hear him well). Same is true with Jesus. He's there. That should be enough. It is, if we've come to him.

What keeps us from going to him? Same thing that always has. The very same thing that caused Adam and Eve to hide in the bush rather than running to God walking in the garden. Hebrews 12 states it well:

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily
entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us
fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...Consider him who
endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and
lose heart.

It is our sin that keeps us from going to him. In trying to become our own gods, solve our own problems, and demonstrating our disobedience, not only are we displaying our lack of trust but it also keeps us from going to Christ. Sin entangles. Like a fly caught in a spider web that it didn't see. Sadly, the more the fly tries to escape on its own, the more stuck it becomes. Doomed to be consumed by the spider, the fly will struggle until exhaustion, probably thinking the whole time (do flies think? we'll pretend here they do) I just need another second to get free.

When we are entangled by sin, as the passage above says, we can't run the race. We get stuck. Our eyes lose focus on Jesus (who is there, like He promised) and we grow weary and lose heart. Bearing the burden on our own, carrying the yoke meant for two, we grow tired and lose heart. Quite the opposite of the rest that we are promised.

I was the fly in the web. Without seeing my own sin of pride, I struggled in my marriage that seemed so one sided. Fighting the cycle of lust, guilt, apology to God. Seeking affirmation from people I worked with and for. Frustrated by unmet expectations. I lost heart. The verses from Hebrews became a sad blue print of my life of entanglement in sin. Mostly 'acceptable' sins. Unseen by those around me because I had shut them out.

A friend of mine has a saying that you should never make a decision when your thinkers broke. Out of my weariness and hurt I started thinking badly. Striving to not hurt, rather than go to Christ, my spider became a relationship with another woman. With my broken thinker, I made all kinds of rationalizations (like "God brought us together", oh wow, that is so pathetic, I can't even fathom how that seemed reasonable) and decisions ("my wife will leave me if she knew", how sadly passive is that, rather than continuing to confront my problems in my marriage or leaving myself, I would give her reason to leave me. Ouch. That right there is a new realization.).

While I thought life was tough when my struggle was 'just' pride, it became continually worse as I went further and further 'prodigal'. What I thought was my second chance was really an invitation to chaos. Until the miracle. No other way for me to explain it. Maybe I just got so tired that I stopped resisting God. Whatever it was, I was yelling at God in the car "Why? Why?" and I finally heard...actually saw...like looking at a light bulb then closing your eyes, I saw the words "It's your sin." At that moment, all the fight left me and I replied "OK, I get it."

When the miracle happened, I thought God was simply referring to the affair. That ended immediately. In the almost year since that moment, I have learned that my sin encompassed so much more. My pride had to be addressed. My fears had to be presented to Him and brought out into the light. I had to learn trust rather than wear a mask. God is wise. There is no way I could have handled all that in the car; I'd have hit a literal guardrail. So much to learn.

In relating that, I hope to explain how to go to Jesus and find the place of trust. Repent. Not remorse, I had plenty of that and called it repentance. But a true identifying of my helplessness. No more playing god. Constantly remembering that Jesus came to us and that is enough. Knowing that everything may not work out like the average romantic comedy, and realizing that Jesus is enough. Jesus understands loneliness, disappointment and temptation; He experienced rejection, sadness, and abuse. We truly do have a high priest who has gone before us in all these things.

Accepting His grace and mercy in exchange for my sin. What a great swap. Trust really is that easy, but it has to be explained. It just doesn't happen. You can't say you trust God with a particular area, then play god 'just in case'. That's the sin you'll get entangled in. Trust is not denial, saying it's all good when it really is not. Trust is not an expectation that everything will get better according to your definition. Trust is shining the light on your life by sharing with openly with God and a few others. Trust is acknowledging your own helplessness and having gratitude that Jesus has not left you alone in your circumstance. Rather than being passive, that makes trust very active.

The Pride Is High

Yard work is not my thing. Some people I know find it relaxing to dig around in the dirt, pulling weeks, mowing the lawn. For me, it just reminds me of the curse that God put on the ground at the fall. Thanks Adam, I have to pull weeks AGAIN! It just brings me no joy, every time I start to do yard work I feel like "I just did this, and nothing looks any better."

Yet, I am determined to win the battle of the weeds and so I found myself outside on three consecutive days off, working myself until dehydration to try to make things look presentable. At least I got the chance to catch up on my podcasts. It was while pulling a dead palm tree out of the ground by the roots that I listened to a guy named Donal Miller. He is an author and is trying to enlighten the church as to the impact fathers have on the family.

His own story is one of fatherlessness, and he was briefly describing the hurdles in his own life growing up without a dad. During the conversation, he stated that "if you are going to become strong, it is necessary that you first face your own crap." Since journeying to a place of relational strength (I say relational because I am, after all, pulling palm tree out of the ground), sorry, since journeying to a place of relational strength is my present direction, Miller's statement got me thinking about my own situation.

Why is it that I wasn't able to begin the process of returning to biblical strength earlier? Looking back, I see that my core issue was pride. One of the ways that my pride manifested itself is that I didn't think that I had any issues to look into. I had a dad and mom who loved me. I'm a pretty nice guy. What problems? So, when I experienced relational stress in my marriage I naturally attributed it to my wife. I wanted what I wanted out of marriage. Yet I was not receiving fulfillment. My pride created the opening and the more distance that my wife and I put between us caused that opening to get wider and wider.

Another way pride showed itself was that as things were not going the way they should, I didn't want anyone to know. I wore a mask of got-it-togetherness for all to see. Sad story, about a week before I could bear it no longer there was a night of prayer at the church. A time for people to come and receive prayer or pray for others. At the end of the evening, in my anguish, I approached a friend and colleague and asked him to pray for me. I was very nebulous about my request, just that I felt like everything was falling apart. My friend responded, before praying, by saying "you don't need prayer, you should be praying for me." Sadly, even in my anguish, there was a significant part of me that was satisfied by the effectiveness of my mask. I was fooling those closest to me even as I was flushing the toilet of my life. Remarkable and sick. Yet I thought I was the one without the problems.

Yet another way pride got the best of me was with my attitude of "I can handle this." Not only was I not letting anyone into my world, the boundaries and lines that I had clearly defined for myself I was stepping up to and dancing on top of. Without people close to me that could see the real me, who could understand my real pain and guide me, I had no accountability. Boundaries are good. But, boundaries without accountability are just suggestions. Without accountability and in a hurting state, stepping up to the boundaries had no pain or consequence. It was easy to blur the lines. Rather than boundaries that were clearly defined, my mind began to reason that "I can handle this, it won't get too far." I could have told anyone else that this was a stupid way to live, but pride led to entitlement which let to justification which let to the fall.

Never did I set out to become a pastoral cliche. It was never my original intent to mock God, destroy my ministry, and cause widespread pain. At some level, I was trying to address my pain. While God was seeking to enlarge my soul, mature my walk with Him, and bring me to a place of utter dependence, I was seeking a remedy for my pain. In my pride, that was all I could see. Mix in a little bit of the view that my circumstance was a reflection of God's love for me and that my performance was all that mattered to Him and once the door was open or once the boundary was crossed, it was easier and easier to stay on the other side.

All along, God was trying to break me, yet I resisted and resisted and would not let him. Pride. The trap of performance. Looking for approval. Wanting to be significant. This was my way of resisting the love of God and his desire to discipline me as a son. Like so many characters in the Bible I was going my own way and God was trying to set me squarely on the narrow path. An old Tom & Jerry that I watched as a kid (and that my daughter loves) has one of the characters saying to another that there are two ways to do something "my way or the hard way." I can attest that I definitely chose the hard way. Now I feel broken. Now I understand God's love and am coming to understand more and more dependence.

I am thankful for second chances and for God's perseverance. He was not going to give up on me. Even when I was giving up on myself, He was banging on the door loudly. I could run, but I couldn't hide. My pride causes me to wrestle with God, quite literally, for several months. But, as is always the case, God was the victor. Jacob had his limp as a result of his bout with God. My limp is emotional. I hope that, as I get healthy and make the journey to biblical, masculine strength, God is able to use my story and my forgiveness to change lives.

It Takes Love to Make Love

I was just out walking around the workplace which is fairly typical because I have a hard time sitting still. (During meetings I have to concentrate on not moving my knees or tapping my feet.) One of the secretaries is reading a very popular marriage book that started a conversation between us. In the world of marriage improvement books, there seems to be two broad categories of which this book fell into what I will cleverly call 'category 1' - books that recommend if you are having some marriage struggles, the best thing you can do is meet your spouses needs. Then they will feel loved and hence begin to meet your needs and you will feel loved. Problem solved and it's only page 4!

Well, yes and no. It is definitely not a bad thing to be aware of your spouse's needs. And there is some practical truth to the principle of if you treat others well, they will be more likely to treat you well. A key point that I think 'category 1' books miss is motive. Why are you trying to meet your spouse's needs? If you are meeting needs in order to get a desired response, that boils down to some glorified selfishness. Concern is not really for the spouse's needs nor for the health of the marriage, but only for how you feel.

Sadly 'category 1' marriage books seem to be most generally popular. One reason is probably because they are like a sitcom, and everything is wrapped up and well defined by the end of the book - solutions to your relationship problems in 150 pages or less. Another is desperation, trying anything that claims to work - making the pain go away, (but maybe God wants go to feel the pain). A third is this advice puts you in control of the situation - being your own god.

It is hard to follow the blueprint of these books for very long. Even harder is looking at someone you are counseling, who has been living in a love desert for years, and telling them that the solution is to potentially humiliate themselves for the benefit of someone else who in all truthfulness is probably acting very selfishly also. That is, it is hard if you do not address motive. 'Category 1' books put the cart before the horse.

We could summarize the issue with the following logic statement "If you want to feel loved in your marriage, then you must strive to meet your spouse's needs." But what foolishness. That presupposes that the highest calling in marriage is to have our needs met. And what happens when when your spouse doesn't turn it around? If your behavior is predicated upon getting an expected reaction, then what happens when you don't get what you want? More frustration, more anger and ultimately more distance.

I know because I fell into the trap. Ultimately, my goal was to change my spouse's behavior not to address what was going on in our marriage. Ironically, this is not what I counseled those who came into my office for advice. It is so funny how God is able to use someone as broken as me while I remained blind to what was going on. When someone would come in to talk about their marriage, there was really only one focus that was possible - what was their relationship with God like, because everything flows out of that. If their spouse was unable to love them, I would use that as a teaching point to remind them that we need to connect with God and let him love us.

I'm not sure why that advice was good for others, but not for me. Well, actually I am sure, I was in a weird catch 21, I knew God loved me if things were going well, so to connect with God I needed things to go well, and onward the spiral would go. One of the laughable things about my situation was how good at pastoral care I was. At my worst moment people would ask of me the simple question "What would you tell someone doing the exact same thing as you?" Good grief. Hard to get out of that one; that's another blog.

What is it that many of these popular marriage books miss? Motive. What is the motive of our lives. Is it to be happy (a la following expectations of Jesus rather than Jesus)? Or is it to be a faithful minister of reconciliation? I want the latter to be true of me in my relationship. My wife is not a means to an end. Nor is she a problem to be fixed. She is someone to be loved. An opportunity, given by God, to minister in the name of Jesus.

To do that well, my motive must be addressed. So, in order to reflect a biblical motivation, the previous conditional statement needs to be changed to "If you want to feel loved in your marriage, then you must let God love you." Security comes from experiencing the love of God. He does love us, and demonstrated that through Jesus, and He wants us to live in that knowledge everyday and through everything this world throws at us.

For me, this was the underlying problem. God's love wasn't a reality for me. I knew about it. I could explain it and help others understand it. But I wasn't experiencing it. This wasn't always my experience. But for a variety of reasons, during my season of duress I retreated to a place of comfort. Love as performance and affirmation. That too will be subject of another blog; that'll hopefully keep you coming back for more.

How do you let God love you? Great question, and I think the answer varies somewhat depending upon the individual. For me, it starts with connecting - praying, studying, reading. But not as items to be crossed off a list. Embracing who God made me, rather than who I think He expects me to be. Extending grace to myself when I 'fail' by not living up to my own expectations. Looking for things to be grateful for. Being very intentional about telling myself how I know I can trust God; not letting my trust be dictated by my circumstance (bad or good). Just continuing to tell my story to myself and others. All of these are components of embracing God's love for me.

Among the fruit of experiencing the love of God in my life is that my love for people has returned. I'm not so cynical or hardened. As I walk around campus, I am looking for ways to make a difference in student's and coworker's lives. Not so that I can receive, but so they can know God loves them.

Most importantly, this is changing my marriage. In my wife I see God's gift of ministry. My love for her is coming not from having m needs met through her (although I won't complain!) but from the limitless love that I am enjoying from my savior. Is this easy? No, no, no, and no. I still have moments, but I am more and more able to walk through those moments and process them healthily. I am better able to love my wife, not because of her behavior, but because I am feeling God's love for me. From that comfort and absence of fear, I am able to more selflessly love my wife.

This is the theme of most 'category 2' marriage books. Love for our spouses coming not from what they do for us, but from who we are in Christ. That is a difference I was able to share with the secretary earlier today. From there our conversation turned to how she can overcome her guilt at falling away and turn back to walking with Christ again. I guess there was a reason God gave me restless legs today.

Who's To Blame?

Who knew that Jimmy Buffet was so wise? As the song "Margaritaville" runs it course, Jimmy comes to the following conclusion with the final lyrics of the song "Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I know it's my own damn fault". (Great, now I'll have that song in my head as I go to teach tonight...speaking of which, I can't wait to see if the dude in the front row wears his three inch spiked heals again tonight...never had a cross-dresser in class before.)

Going though the lyrics of his song, it seems Jim is wondering how he ended up wasting away in Margaritaville. Each verse increases his self-reflection. First it's nobody's fault, then it may be his fault, and finally he gets honest enough to confess that he knows it is his own fault. While I was never stuck in Margaritaville, I did have a problem with blame assessment that God has had to deal with.

One of the miracles that God has done for me, really the one that helped to dissolve the anger I felt towards my wife, was poking a hole in my wall of pride that I had built up regarding my marriage. I could never figure out why my wife did not adore me more. Other women obviously would if given the opportunity because I was really an ideal husband, right? I was a very considerate man. Willing to treat my wife like a princess. Of course there were a few things that I wanted in return, but it was all normal husband-wife stuff (and in the Bible!) that I was entitled to.

Thus, I came to the conclusion, as our marriage became more and more dysfunctional that the fault was mainly with my wife. Sure, I had areas to improve upon and so I was generously willing to assess myself around 15% of the blame (that's the mathematician in me). By assigning myself that number I was humbly taking one for the team - marriage is give and take, right? You can see how I was able to fool myself that another relationship was justified.

If she would just do a better job meeting my needs, then our marriage would have been much, much better. In all honesty, and I know this is sounds ridiculous because as I read it looks ridiculous, it never occurred to me to wonder why my wife had no interest in my needs. When she told me I was 'needy' that really stung because my perspective was that I was fully normal. "If having a need was being needy, then I declare that I'm guilty!" was once a reply I had for her. (Where's that considerate husband again?)

Having needs is not wrong. Having the needs was not the problem. Actually, needs are a gift from God that are intended to tie us together, to bind us together in all our relationships. It is that way with our relationship with God, it is that way with family and friends, and it is true about our marriages as well. Of course, God created some very unique needs that can only be met in a marital relationship. So, my desires were not the problem.

The problem was that I was not willing to die to myself for the sake of my wife. Isn't that what Ephesians 5 says? Often I think we look at "gave himself for her" as referring only to Christ's sacrificial death so we think, yeah I'd take a bullet in the place of my wife. But was I willing to give myself up for her? To humble myself for her? Deny my position and desires for her? To take the worst she had to dish out and still love her with abandon? Isn't that also what Christ did? It seems I wasn't willing to become selfless, putting her needs alongside my own in the relationship. The evidence that I didn't become selfless was that my God given needs became expectations of her behavior.

That's what she meant by neediness. Since success in my relationships was tied to performance, I had hung the weight of performance on my wife. Rather than creating a relational environment where my wife felt loved no matter what, it created a great burden for her - for no matter what she did, no matter what small steps toward improvement she would make, it was never enough. It is true that I didn't have a record of wrongs (how unbiblical would that be!), but I did have a record of what-you're-not-doing-rights. I was willing to go the extra mile for a couple thousand people at church, but I wasn't willing to lovingly minister to my wife. No wonder she was jealous of my job - it got the best of my love.

All of this to say that the needs that God intended to be a point of connection and intimacy for my wife and me spiraled down into points of division and alienation. Yes I was lonely. Yes I wasn't respected or desired. No there wasn't an emotional or physical connection between us. But she was longing for those things as well, and I had done nothing but create a barrier between us. I justified my passivity as giving my wife space to work through her issues, but it really just gave me an excuse to throw a pity party, say that I've done all I could, and develop other attachments to work, friends, and finally to someone else.

When Adam and Eve sinned, it is often justified that it was Eve's 'fault' because she listened to the serpent and bit the apple. It was her actions that caused the fall. But Adam was right there. Adam stood passively silent. Adam watched everything go down in flames. He had apple juice on his chin, then passed the blame. Sounds almost exactly like what happened in my marriage. Yet, Genesis says that God "called to the man" to see what happened. The relationship was his responsibility. My eyes have been opened that the same is true for me.

Great Expectations

The Bible character that I have identified with most during the recovery phase of my spiritual journey has been Peter. Of course, right? Everyone picks a good character. No one ever wants to be Judas or Ananias. Kind of reminds me of one of Kevin Costner's lines in the movie Bull Durham "How come everyone was someone famous in their previous life?" Only, I don't identify with Peter because of his successes, I could only hope to be a millionth the follower of Christ that he was, but because of the relatability of his failures.

In my mind now is the moment of Peter's denial. As he is being questioned around the fire about being a follower of Jesus who is now standing trial in a courtyard within Peter's view. Truth is, Peter was not a follower of THIS Jesus. Peter was not following a guy who was going off to die. As evidenced in the garden a few hours earlier, Peter was ready for a fight - he was a follower of Jesus the conqueror. The one who was going to free Israel from Rome and restore her to greatness among the nations.

Peter was following his expectations of Jesus. Probably all the disciples were. Maybe that is why Jesus was still so frustrated with them and why the twelve were having problems understanding the teaching of Jesus about why He was going to Jerusalem. It was hard to understand because that was not at all what these dudes were expecting.

I did this. And I don't think I am nearly the only one. Some start on their way with Christ following expectations rather than reality. Prosperity teaching makes sure that many are ripe for a quick let down. But others, like me, fall into following their expectations rather gradually - almost imperceptibly - until frustration begins to set in. As I've said before, for me God was someone to be pleased. The way my life was going indicated how well I was doing spiritually. And I then made the gradual shift to following my expectations rather than following Jesus.

It goes something like this - if I'm doing what I should, my marriage will work out and provide me happiness. If I'm doing what I should, then I'll get more opportunities to speak and teach. Peace in my home, a wife who expressly loves and respects me, growing opporunities for ministry, affirmation and approval, these were some of the expectations that I was following. It was pride. That was my root sin. I had traded the truth of Christ for the lie of my expectations. It wasn't health and wealth, but it was definitely a subtler form of prosperity.

That's the lie. Fathered by Satan, that life in Christ will be everything you want it to be. That you can have your cake and eat it too. There is a way to avoid the testing of your faith by trial and refining by fire. I bit on the lie and made my own way, and when things continued to fall short of my expectations I played God and made up my own rules. Lack of trust in God. Pride gone wild.

Christ paints a different picture. This life will have trials, this world will hate us for following him, following him will bring division in our families and relationships, those without the spirit won't understand us, we have to deny ourselves and take up or cross, there will be thorns in the flesh - that doesn't sound like the life of fulfilled worldly expectations.

I knew that. I used to counsel people about their sufferings leading to perseverance leading to character leading to hope. Hope in Christ was not what I was clinging to, it was rather hope in my expectations. Misplaced hope can do nothing but disappoint.

Peter eventually learned this. We all know what history says - he was crucified upside down; he shouted encouragement to his wife as she was lead to her death. Sounds like a guy who overcame his expectations and followed Jesus. Not because of what Jesus could do, but because of what He already had done - dying for his sins, so he could have reconcilliation with God and eternity with Him in heaven. Gratitude for what matters most.

I am grateful for God's love and for second chances (and for third and fourth chances too!). It has taken alot for me to get my perspective back in line - I have had to lose (or better stated, throw away) everything that I thought mattered so that I could see that God is enough - in fact, that He is the only thing. Although it tries to rear its ugly head, my pride has been replaced by brokenness and a first-hand understanding that I am dependent upon God. That makes me grateful for everything even when it's not what I expected.

Being George

I love the TV show Seinfeld. With the exception of a few of the season one episodes, there is not another sitcom that was as consistently funny as Jerry and the gang. There is a favorite episode of mine that I'll keep on the dvr for awhile when I manage to catch it on late night. Putty, his Jesus fish, 'resurrected' radio stations, and him telling Elaine to steal the neighbor's newspaper because "I'm not the one going to hell." Makes me laugh every time.

In another episode, more related to today's blog, George decides after ordering tuna on toast that he always orders tuna on toast and it is time to start doing things differently. He's achieved no success the way he's lived, so he decides to do everything the exact opposite of his first impulse. This starts with ordering chicken salad on rye (is that the opposite of tuna on toast, Jerry says) and culminates with George Costanza chewing out George Steinbrenner during a job interview. "Hire this man!" declares Steinbrenner much to the surprise of the executive interviewing Costanza. Apparently, some on the Internet have more time to waste than I do, for a simple google search turned up the entire script of the episode of The Opposite, including George's diatribe:

Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!

If only doing the opposite of your first impulse or of your habitual behavior was so easy or immediately successful. Right now in my marriage I feel like I am being George. My tendency has been to seeking approval in my relationships. Within my marriage this was no different. As my wife pushed me further away, I tried all the harder to make her happy. I knew all along that her happiness was not to be found in me, just as my happiness was not in my relationship with her, but over time as little things bring relief they tend to become part of your relational arsenal.

Because part of my wife's coping strategy was to assume control, both of us tipped the balance of our marriage away from the traditional roles that God has intended. This is not to say I was a glorified labrador retriever, but my tendency was toward passivity because it kept the peace and was easier to deal with.

Now I'm having to do the opposite.

Of course, this does not mean that I need to hit a guardrail, put on the wife beater t-shirt, and become a ruthless dictator in my home, but a big part of my journey is assuming strength in my marriage and other relationships. This is tough. It is always tough to unlearn old behaviors and relearn new ones.

Especially when the new behaviors are met with resistance rather than instantaneous success. My wife is having to go through the same process. Even tougher for her is the idea of trusting my leadership. She has told me before that her fight is against submitting and having a natural respect for my position as husband. It would be so much easier to travel the path of least resistance.

Of course, not changing would be easier in the short term, but worse for our marriage and our souls in the long term. So for now I continue in the awkwardness of establishing new patterns. It's like having been sitting for too long in the same position and making those first steps with your legs completely asleep; you have to look at your feel to know they are moving. It feels so unnatural, but you can look up and know that you're getting somewhere.

In the Seinfeld episode, while George is on his way up by doing the opposite - Elaine is on her way down. She loses her job. Her boyfriend. And her apartment. At one point she laments "I'm George, I'm George!"

One thing I am trying to avoid in becoming the man God wants me to be, is that I don't want my wife to feel devalued, used, or pushed around. Hopefully as I lead my marriage well, she'll feel free to be feminine. Experiencing trust and security; a couple of the things that God has designed for her to get out of the marital relationship.

Strength is not found in my controlling her or even in making every decision. But in setting up boundaries for our family. In communicating values and expectations clearly. In serving and loving her. Making our relationship my ministry. Serving her not to keep the peace nor for my own approval, but a service that is out of my desire for my wife to know she is loved and that she can follow me as I follow God.

We both have to understand that final responsibility for our marriage and its fruit, good or bad, lies with me. Adam forgot that principle in the garden. At some point in the past I forgot it as well. But God has renewed my passion for my wife, and part of that has come from experiencing the freedom that comes with assuming the proper role. I don't want to play a part. I'm not following a script.

I'm thankful that God doesn't accept me based on my performance because I am messing this up a lot. My hope is for long term change so that my wife and I can minister to others, can lead within the church again, and can impact our daughter with what a healthy relationship looks like. Her future depends upon this too. I'm just looking forward to when it feels more natural that walking with your legs asleep.

An Act of God Happens

Remember The Far Side? A one panel comic that ran for years and years. Many talking animals, plump people, and situations that were the exact opposite of reality. There are two Far Side comics that I would call my favorites. I'll still laugh just thinking about them - maybe I'll be motivated to find them and thumb-tack them to the wall of my luxurious cubical.

The first comic has the caption "Prehistoric microscopes" and has a picture of two cave men, one is leading a mammoth underneath the optical portion of a gigantic stone 'microscope'. The second caveman is sitting on the top of the 'microscope' with his entire head inside the viewing part and he is declaring "Yes, it's a mammoth." It is such a ridiculous picture and declaration (get it, like he'd need a microscope to know it was a giant mammoth?) that I laugh every time. Even now. Unfortunately, that comic has nothing to do with this blog entry. Just wanted to share.

In my second favorite, I don't even remember if there is a caption. It is a picture of a long black-board. At the far right there are a group of scientists celebrating and high-fiving each other and one saying something like "We did it!". When you look on the board you see, starting at the left, all sorts of equations and symbols. Same on the right. But in the the middle there is a break with the words "An act of God happens." How over the top. For this group of scientists, they just explain away everything in the middle with an act of God. Wish I could have written math proofs that way in college. There would have been more time for beer.

The Bible sometimes seemed like that to me. In the last couple months I've developed an appreciation for all the things that the Bible does not say. Consider Noah. We are not told too much about what happened in his life between receiving his call to build the ark and God closing the door. Certainly not a lot considering it spans over 100 years. What do you think the conversations were like between Noah and God as Noah was hammering nails on another hot, dry desert day? I am pretty certain that Noah had to come to a very good grasp on just who he believed God to be.

Think about Hosea. Again, I am sure he has a lot of interesting things going on in his mind as he goes to purchase his adulterous wife from her captors. We are not let into his internal musings, the Bible just relates that Hosea "bought her for fifteen shekels..." Almost as if obedience were that easy, which I'm sure that humiliating act was not. Example after example, even with the disciples. The Bible is remarkably silent on Peter's inner struggle after denying Jesus, but I'm sure it was never far from the front of Peter's mind.

But, since the Bible often does not relate the details of the struggles men have had following God, as we read I think we often sanitize the Bible characters and their stories. They were told, thus they obeyed. I'm sure there were many times of no-questions-asked-obedience. I would just ask if that was realistic to assume as Abraham is asked to sacrifice Issac. Or if we should just assume Peter slept soundly after denying Christ. There is huge emotional and spiritual struggle and the Bible just doesn't tell us details of the process.

Maybe that contributes to some of our mask-wearing. Abraham asked no questions, so why should I? Hosea did not complain, so I'll keep my mouth shut. Even with Paul, who is often brutally honest about himself, we tend to gloss his struggles over and have made him super-disciple while forgetting the laborious process for him to get there. He wasn't born-again that way.

I wanted to live up to the calling I had received, and if I couldn't be like Paul (or let God work that process in me), I was at least going to act the part! That's what God expects! That's what people are looking for! Please affix my mask!

On Easter Sunday a couple weeks ago, I did the welcome piece from stage for my church. It was an interesting bookend, because on Good Friday the year before I had resigned from my pastoring position because I couldn't live the act anymore. My actions and my hurt were out of control. So much has happened in the last year. I've wrestled God. Wandered farther away than I would ever advise anyone. Became a pastoral cliche; now I'm a cliche (don't mean cliche in a negative way) of reconciliation and grace. Just like The Far Side comic, "An act of God happens" somewhere in that year - a true miracle, a 'second conversion'. As a result, I am able to finally confront who I am, who God is, who I should allow Him to be, and the impact of who I was on those around me. It has been a painful and stunning process. One that will continue for the rest of my life. I think when you truly allow God to break you (which is the way He wants it) and put you back together, He allows the cracks and scars to remain as evidence of the process.

If my story were written in the same style as the Bible, verse 45 of the book of Me would say "He wrote his letter and fled." Then verse 46 would continue "The next Easter he attended services in the temple courts (work with me) with his wife and daughter and they watched him welcome people as a changed man." Only now, rather than saying I understand what happened in the meantime, I've experienced it. My perspective has changed and the Bible characters are now not just words on a page, but people who have struggled just like I do. That is what God loves, using the weak to shame the strong, and that is just what I want people to see in me - no mask, but the result of an act of God.

It Takes Three

I read something interesting yesterday in a secular counseling book that is currently among my group of four books that I'm reading (yes, my ADD causes me to read four at a time). It is a statement that I hope no Christian will disagree with, and I am awed that secular research validates God's design for human relational behavior. Once again, science validates God - go figure.

This quote is found on page 11 of Genograms, "two-person relationships tend to be unstable. Under stress two people tend to draw in a third. They stabilize the system by forming a coalition of two in relation to the third. The basic unit of an emotional system thus tends to be a triangle."

Now, let that sink in. What is the implication of this statement for marriage? Success is going to be determined by the choice of the third party. I've seen married people choose a close friend - but that has the tendency to destabilize the relationship further because of allegiance issues. It is the rare person who is going to be able to remain perfectly impartial. Distrust will form or a fourth will be brought in which ends up fracturing the entire unit into two unmarried pairs.

A child could be the choice. Let's stay married for the kid. That may work for a time, but what happens when the kid leaves the house, as he inevitably will. The purpose for the marriage will walk out the door with them. For impartiality a counselor could be a good choice. There would even be some wisdom to this, but not for an indefinite interval - that would lead to codependency. An unhealthy picture of reliance on a person who will fail sooner or later.

There can really be only one choice. Jesus has promised to be our rock and our foundation. He is partners with a Wonderful Counselor who is the mark of God on each of us. He plays no favorites. Each partner in a marriage can be assured that Jesus will have each of our best interests represented when He is the third member of the triangle of our marriage relationship. He wants us to be fulfilled in this most intimate of earthly relationships. And just in case we think He doesn't understand all that is involved, He pictures His own relationship with the Church as a marriage. Seems like a match made in heaven.

I got to listen to Francis Chan speak Tuesday morning. He was fresh off his resignation message of the weekend and he was recounting the months of agonizing and wrestling with God's call that both he and his wife had done leading up to the announcement this weekend. During his talk, he showed a video clip of his wife speaking during the service. Through tears she recounted how both she and Francis came to know that they needed to be obedient to the call of Christ and pursue ministry in the inner city. Throwing off comfort as a way of denying themselves and following God where ever he may lead.

One statement by Mrs. Chan in particular struck me, and this is my best reconstruction, throughout our marriage Francis has often said that he felt God leading him in a certain direction, and my response has always been, if you are convinced that is where God is leading, then I will wholeheartedly follow. But in this decision, God gave both of us the direction. That is the perfect picture of the marriage that has as the third member Jesus - Jesus who they can lean on and turn to during this time of inner turmoil and lack of peace and who is faithful to lead.

They had made the choice to live in dependence to the Savior. As Francis related this to the room of about 100 people (and I was literally 3.5 feet from him, looking him in the eyes), he told us that while he thought he and his wife were as close as they could get, this process of surrendering to the will of God had brought them closer than he could ever have imagined.

That's where I want my marriage to be. Dependent upon Christ. Total surrender. Ever deepening intimacy.

As I have looked online for the clip of just Francis' wife's portion of the message, I have seen so much cynicism over this decision. Apparently people do not understand inner city ministry if they are equating big city with "bright lights and more fame". My response to that is I think Francis and his wife make the rest of American Christians uncomfortable. Here is a guy with success as we would see it. Big church. Best selling book. Best selling videos. He's a pastoral rock star and he is giving all that up out of obedience. That is hard for Christians who are comfortable and lukewarm to fathom, so the only possible response if cynicism.

While I watched, I saw a guy who was convicted. And I will pray for him, because he inspired me. For his decision, surely, but even more for how Christ was the Rock of his marriage.

Once again, that's what I desire for my marriage. That's what I've always wanted for my marriage and has always seemed so out of my reach. And it is. While it is my desire, it is a goal that my wife has to be involved with also. I can't reach alone, both my wife and I have to reach together. While we both have to be involved, as I described in a previous post, I am learning how to lead us there. I am learning how to not abdicate my responsibility; to resist passivity; to correct inadvertently laying a burden of leadership on my wife for which she was not designed.

We've discussed and written down marriage goals for the year. It's time to invite Christ to be our third and lead us to our goals and beyond. Hopefully each year when we do this I can echo what Francis Chan said about his own marriage - I thought we were close, but through this we are now closer than I ever could have imagined.

"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right."

Did your dad have a saying? My dad had two that I can remember. Mantras that we should have had printed on father-son matching t-shirts because they were used so frequently. In almost any situation my dad was able to display his wisdom with one especially oft used eight word phrase:

"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right."

Until very recently, I had not thought much about the impact of this nugget of wisdom on my growth and development. Didn't really occur to me that is was something to evaluate. I don't want to dwell on the mistakes of my parent, but at the same time I am seeing that it is also important not to ignore them either. As I have been reflecting on myself, I have come to wonder why it is that in almost all of my relationships I expend so much energy trying to earn the approval of the other. Marriage, friendships, superiors at work, church members, and even God.

Well, like everything else, if the act of self reflection is worth doing, it's worth doing right. In and of itself, this expression is spot on. You should give your best effort; striving for excellence and working hard. As I think back though, it is how this mantra was lived out that provides the conflicting currents in my development.

I could never, even up to the point where I left home for college mow the front yard. That is the part people saw, after all. Or wash/wax the cars. (Maybe I should be grateful!) In probably the earliest incident that I can remember in this theme, 4th grade, I asked my dad to read a one page paper I had to hand in. He rewrote it, adding all sorts of new words beyond the vocabulary of the average 9 year old. Projects around the home I was the helper who held the flashlight or fetched the proper screw driver, but I was never the one getting his hands dirty. Just standing by, kinda watching, never participating. Even mom would get in on this action as she would go behind me and 'fix' my bed-making, straighten things up after me - you know, do things better than a pre-teen can do them.

This is not to say that correction wouldn't have been deserved or that teachable moments were not possible. I was after all a kid. My bed making had wrinkles. I probably would not have tightened screws all the way. Yes, the lawn would have had crooked lines. But isn't that all part of the training and maturing process? Instead, if it's worth doing, then it's worth doing right and that means you are not going to do it. Message received. You are not good enough.

Now let me qualify, in no way do I think my dad was being malicious. In fact, I really don't think he or my mom knew the message they were subtly sending. Yet, the reality stands that a boy wants to be blessed by his parents - particularly his father. You are a man - now dig this post hole!

It is a tough thing to balance. I want to be good enough. I'll work hard, because I want to give God my best, but I've got to remember that I have nothing to prove to Him. God knows everything about me and still loves me anyway. In fact, just as Jesus loved Peter though his many faults, He loves me as well. It is important for me to be aware of that healthy tension. I am approved by God.

In my relationships I need to live in that same confidence. I want people to see me as more than just adequate. Approval is a good desire, but should not be my focus. I need to be myself because that is what will honor God most. I have a lot to offer - God has really gifted me in a unique way. I'm a math guy who's good with people! (How many of those are there?) I can use the English language pretty well and am good at breaking complex things down for people to understand. There is so much more I could add to this list. If I haven't felt blessed by my dad, I certainly have been by my Heavenly Father. Thank you God.

Medicating the Pain

Today I have been reflecting on some of the events and interactions of the last year. Not looking back as Lot's wife did, but trying to sort through some of what I was thinking and feeling. How could it possibly be that throwing everything away seemed like a rational choice to deal with my circumstances? While I can remember the thought process, none of it makes much sense to me.

Now I know that none of you reading this can relate to this analogy, but I'll throw it out there anyway. It's like being at a party on a Friday night with a lot of people you don't know. The more you drink, the friendlier things become. Until at just the right point of intoxication you become best friends for life with complete strangers. (You're the coolest guy I ever met!) In the moment no one could convince you that you are drunk or that the decisions you are making are impaired (I can drive!), but the next morning you wake up and don't remember why that trip to Krystal at 3:30 am seemed so pressing and proper. (Not that I am describing one of innumerable evenings of mine in college.) The next day you forget the names of your new best friends and even why they seemed like friends at all.

That was me in my sin. A good friend to my wife described the situation to her exactly like this and I completely agree with the analogy. "He's drunk in his sin; he's not thinking right." Yes, that was true. (Please don't take the drunkenness analogy as me trying to pass of blame. Anything but, every drunk makes a choice to drink.)

Why do people get drunk? Why is it that someone will put themselves totally in the control of something else? Whether the choice is alcohol, drugs, porn, physical brutality, gambling, making money, hoarding power, or having an affair - the bottom line is everything on that list and more have the same effect. The pain that the person is feeling gets medicated or deadened. It is a way to cope.

There really are several issues here. One is: where was God? How was it that I, a beloved pastor, turned so completely away. I've alluded to that before, but I'll return to that in another entry soon. For now, we'll turn away from my lack of trust in the God for whom I was ministering. Also for the moment, we'll overlook that everything on that list is an idol, a substitution for God, a way to be one's own god and 'solve' the problems of life's circumstances without Him.

Here I want to ask the question: what was the source of my hurt? what was it that I was trying to cover up with the substitute for God? Cheap forgiveness. In the primary relationship in my life I was being sinned against. Never did I really take the time to process my disappointment and grief. It turned to hurt that I suppressed. Keeping up appearances, remember. I wanted everyone to think things were OK. Part of me was stuck in the thought process "if I were a good Christian, I wouldn't be lonely or depressed. I shouldn't have these marriage problems. I should be able to repress my desires for physical affection and respect." So I'd just try harder and not let anyone see what was going on.

Without truly processing what was going on, the best I could say was "I forgive my wife." But I didn't mean it. How could I? I didn't even know what I was forgiving. My broken thoughts were that what I was feeling was wrong. Forgiveness makes it right. Then I could move on. Problem was, feelings don't always change as easily as you can mouth the words. My mask didn't give God the room to work the miracle of forgiveness. So the hurt just mounted.

In addition to those around me, my mask also shut out God. Remember, for me He was one to be pleased. When things didn't improve by my efforts I attributed it to his unanswered prayer or displeasure with my performance. More failure. More downward thought spiral. Throughout, I refused to let God deal with me in my grief for my marriage. That would have been revealing my weakness, being vulnerable, and facing my fears. So there was nowhere to turn with my hurt.

For her part, my wife was not interested in fixing things either - her reasons were different. That became my battle cry. This is her fault. She won't follow. She won't appreciate me. She won't...she won't...she won't...and on and on. To tell the truth, no matter what I did, godly or not, she may not have responded. But her response is not for me to control. It is also not an excuse for what I did because I could never have forseen what a godly response from me looked like. For my mask was affixed so tightly that I had shut myself out.

Notice my battle cry. She won't...she won't...she won't...all very self-centered declarations. Sure I'd help out around the house, spend time at home, and plan time together. But it was out of a selfish motive to get what I desired. It was not an authentic expression of love or forgiveness. I didn't really, authentically look at me. What kind of follower of Christ was I? What kind of husband was I? What kind of head of my family was I? In my hurt and desire to maintain appearances I had lost the ability to accurately perceive myself. Not everything was my wife's fault. Not by a long shot. I hadn't given her anything to respond to except my neediness; nor was I able to forgive her. Looking at me would not have worked until I had processed my hurt and anger.

Instead I medicated my pain. Fortunately, I follow a God who works miracles. He who can get water from a stone can also make good from our bad. I am living proof that God still works miracles and can change everything about the way you think and what or whom you put your trust in. Healing takes time, but God is faithful and patient.