"A Vacation From Ourselves"

The other night I happened to be up late and decided to wind down with an episode of my favorite show - Seinfeld. Maybe you've seen it, the self proclaimed show about nothing, but at the same time it's a show about everything. All the annoyances, worries, relationship issues, and minutia that would not be the substance for any other show were tackled by this group of four friends that spent so much of their time sitting and talking in a coffee shop.

On this particular evening, as I got comfy and drowsy on the couch I was met with this familiar scene (I've seen them all several times, Seinfeld is my comfort food):

The usually clean shaven Jerry and George sitting on opposite sides of their usual booth at the coffee shop, both sporting thriving mustaches and having another meaningless conversation about what Holland is. When Jerry is suddenly overcome declares that he can't stand the mustache any longer. George concurs that he hates his too, feeling "like an out of work porn star". It seems when the idea of taking a summer vacation had come up, the extremely frugal and commonly unemployed George suggested a "vacation from themselves" by growing facial hair. It would be better than a real vacation he had proposed.

So, in order to experience the freedom, rest and peace that a vacation would bring, the two fellows decide to change something about their external appearance.

They still visited the same coffee house.

With the same people.

Ordered the same thing.

Read the same paper.

Had the same conversations about nothing.

And experienced a profound disappointment with the results.

Not only were they let down by the results of the change, but they were uncomfortable with the new selves that they had created.

It is far easier and all too common to look at following Christ as taking a vacation from ourselves. Rather than adopting a new identity, we put on holy behaviors. (Sounds like a white washed tomb.) Unfortunately, if we force ourselves to simply act in a new way and stop short of developing this new identity - by looking at what was driving our old identity and becoming aware of the extent of our brokenness - we will be disappointed with the results. Just like the itch of a newly grown mustache (ladies, does growing your leg hair out itch as much as does men's facial hair?), the new covering for the old self will be uncomfortable and exhausting. A futile exercise in self effort.

Just as new wine cannot be put into old wineskins (to quote the Master), the Spirit cannot be put into the old self. The Spirit is intended to shed light on and revive our image, the new creation, our true self.

For this to happen, change cannot just be on the surface. It may begin that way, but true, lasting change must germinate within. Having our interior have the light of Christ shed on it. Confronting our brokenness, not to adopt it as a new identity, but to know the destructive fire that shall be put out by the living waters within. The truth of the Gospel that we tell ourselves as our thoughts are taken captive.

This is a process more difficult than words can convey. It requires us to have the word hidden in our hearts. It requires us to be in community with others who do likewise. Although we do not do these things simply to have new behaviors to check off a to do list on a vacation from ourselves, but as the way to confront to old self as we enter into the sanctifying process of denying that self and following Christ as a new creation.

In With the New

There is another apt episode of Seinfeld that comes to mind. Jerry is dating a woman who encourages him to express his emotions, particularly his anger. This is particularly tricky since Jerry is an 'even steven', never too far up, never too far down - usually just right in the middle. So, Jerry gets angry at his girlfriend's pestering. "That felt good" he said, and then the flow of emotions started.

He told Elaine that he loved her. Told George he was a good friend. Cried during a TV show while asking "what is this salty discharge coming out of my eyes?" Jerry went over the top with this new found skill. With the same girlfriend that wanted him to express himself, he started getting angry about every little thing. Ironically, she got tired of his constant expression of emotion and left Jerry.

He just didn't know what to do with his anger.

That's the challenge for the recovering passive guy. Well, at least this recovering passive guy. I've been told that I shouldn't dismiss my anger. That I need to feel it, process it, and then move on from it. My first reaction is that I don't want to be a husband that leads by intimidation or threat. I don't want to be a wife beater. In response (after the laughter), I was told that there is a long way from me even carrying my anger too far to being an abusive spouse. Not likely to happen.

Expressing my anger is a tough new challenge. Being angry upsets people. Being angry is confrontational. Being angry will require taking your mask off and letting people see the real you. But, no one ever got hurt being upset and I'm all about living mask-free, so I now allow myself to express my anger. But it is awkward.

My wife doesn't know what to do. She's been dealing with a people pleaser for 15 years and now she has to deal with someone with an opinion, who is not going to be pushed aside and dismissed. Someone who is now putting on the mantle of leadership and not just striving for the absence of conflict. It is a tough adjustment for her as well as me. One that is often hard for me to keep in mind - she has a new reality.

My trouble at this moment is that I don't know what to do with my anger. While I am experiencing it I don't know how to put it aside in order to sort through the conflict in a constructive way. It is hard for me to, in the midst of my anger, to confront the emotions that my wife is dealing with. This is my latest test on the strength journey. Can I put her needs above my own in the moment.

This is like having driving an automatic for your whole life, then having to learn to drive a stick. Changing gears. It's a better way to drive, better performance, better mileage, but it is tough to learn to change the gears at appropriate times (much less stop at a red light facing uphill!). I'll learn and I'll be NASCAR good at it, but for the moment it is very awkward and difficult.

Being George

I love the TV show Seinfeld. With the exception of a few of the season one episodes, there is not another sitcom that was as consistently funny as Jerry and the gang. There is a favorite episode of mine that I'll keep on the dvr for awhile when I manage to catch it on late night. Putty, his Jesus fish, 'resurrected' radio stations, and him telling Elaine to steal the neighbor's newspaper because "I'm not the one going to hell." Makes me laugh every time.

In another episode, more related to today's blog, George decides after ordering tuna on toast that he always orders tuna on toast and it is time to start doing things differently. He's achieved no success the way he's lived, so he decides to do everything the exact opposite of his first impulse. This starts with ordering chicken salad on rye (is that the opposite of tuna on toast, Jerry says) and culminates with George Costanza chewing out George Steinbrenner during a job interview. "Hire this man!" declares Steinbrenner much to the surprise of the executive interviewing Costanza. Apparently, some on the Internet have more time to waste than I do, for a simple google search turned up the entire script of the episode of The Opposite, including George's diatribe:

Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!

If only doing the opposite of your first impulse or of your habitual behavior was so easy or immediately successful. Right now in my marriage I feel like I am being George. My tendency has been to seeking approval in my relationships. Within my marriage this was no different. As my wife pushed me further away, I tried all the harder to make her happy. I knew all along that her happiness was not to be found in me, just as my happiness was not in my relationship with her, but over time as little things bring relief they tend to become part of your relational arsenal.

Because part of my wife's coping strategy was to assume control, both of us tipped the balance of our marriage away from the traditional roles that God has intended. This is not to say I was a glorified labrador retriever, but my tendency was toward passivity because it kept the peace and was easier to deal with.

Now I'm having to do the opposite.

Of course, this does not mean that I need to hit a guardrail, put on the wife beater t-shirt, and become a ruthless dictator in my home, but a big part of my journey is assuming strength in my marriage and other relationships. This is tough. It is always tough to unlearn old behaviors and relearn new ones.

Especially when the new behaviors are met with resistance rather than instantaneous success. My wife is having to go through the same process. Even tougher for her is the idea of trusting my leadership. She has told me before that her fight is against submitting and having a natural respect for my position as husband. It would be so much easier to travel the path of least resistance.

Of course, not changing would be easier in the short term, but worse for our marriage and our souls in the long term. So for now I continue in the awkwardness of establishing new patterns. It's like having been sitting for too long in the same position and making those first steps with your legs completely asleep; you have to look at your feel to know they are moving. It feels so unnatural, but you can look up and know that you're getting somewhere.

In the Seinfeld episode, while George is on his way up by doing the opposite - Elaine is on her way down. She loses her job. Her boyfriend. And her apartment. At one point she laments "I'm George, I'm George!"

One thing I am trying to avoid in becoming the man God wants me to be, is that I don't want my wife to feel devalued, used, or pushed around. Hopefully as I lead my marriage well, she'll feel free to be feminine. Experiencing trust and security; a couple of the things that God has designed for her to get out of the marital relationship.

Strength is not found in my controlling her or even in making every decision. But in setting up boundaries for our family. In communicating values and expectations clearly. In serving and loving her. Making our relationship my ministry. Serving her not to keep the peace nor for my own approval, but a service that is out of my desire for my wife to know she is loved and that she can follow me as I follow God.

We both have to understand that final responsibility for our marriage and its fruit, good or bad, lies with me. Adam forgot that principle in the garden. At some point in the past I forgot it as well. But God has renewed my passion for my wife, and part of that has come from experiencing the freedom that comes with assuming the proper role. I don't want to play a part. I'm not following a script.

I'm thankful that God doesn't accept me based on my performance because I am messing this up a lot. My hope is for long term change so that my wife and I can minister to others, can lead within the church again, and can impact our daughter with what a healthy relationship looks like. Her future depends upon this too. I'm just looking forward to when it feels more natural that walking with your legs asleep.