Walls, Landmines, and Balance

I am a pretty linear guy. Maybe it is the math background, proving something by letting one piece of information lead to the next. Or maybe my nature is why math was appealing to me in the first place. You can hear it when I speak, whether in a class or in church. This linear quality also appears in that I like to finish one task before starting another. Not that I can't have many things going simultaneously, but I like things linear. Crossing things off lists. Making a beeline for the destination. When I drive, I don't like to stop except for gas, so do all your business when the tank is empty.

[Semi-amusing recollection - just before my wife and I married, I had accepted a job out of state. So my future mother-in-law came with us as we were doing a housing search. Six hours in the car and this woman wanted to hit every yard sale and rest area that we passed. That's just wrong on a long trip - you need to make progress.]

Anyway, I bring this up because the journey that I am taking toward strength is anything but linear. It's like being able to see where you want to go, there is even a straight path possible, but the path is replete with landmines to navigate and walls that can pop-up out of the ground unexpectedly. Like an episode of Wipeout.

Ever see that show? People spend a lot of time jumping from platform to platform to avoid rotating obstacles, streams of water, and falling into a pool of cold water. When they first see a obstacle they are so focused on their feet and maintaining their balance that they often miss whatever is being swung at them. Balance is the key. Watching where you step.

This is my present struggle on the journey to strength because of course the journey is more complicated than just overcoming my learned passivity. My wife has some crud that she is dealing with. We have improper roles and behaviors that we've learned and taken on. She also struggles with her reaction to male strength after growing up with an abusive father.

Abuse is strength used to demean and take advantage; it is unhealthy and not a true picture of what godly strength looks like. But it is hard for her right now to tell the difference. It all feels the same - which I am sure is why my being passive was the path of least resistance in our relationship. The awful consequence of which is that we both took on roles in our relationship that were opposite our design. I could lead and be respected everywhere but the place it mattered most. Frustration and emasculation for me. She feels like she can not relinquish control out of her fear of trusting her security to someone else. My wife is not able to enjoy the fruits of being a woman in a loving, godly relationship.

So as I try to walk to the goal of being strong in my marriage I have to watch my step and maintain my balance. Not so much worrying about how I might swing the pendulum the other direction and wear stained wife beater t-shirts around the house, slick my hair back, and demand dinner on the table WHEN I ARRIVE HOME! My path butts up against the walls she has built. Occasionally I step on a landmine that I didn't know was there and she struggles to communicate to me.

Recently I stepped on one of these landmines (as I am sure I do often, but we were able to identify this one). Sometimes I tend to be evasive in my answers. My main reason for doing this with my wife is usually about my fear of being inadequate. Several weeks ago I was evasive about why I had not yet fixed the sprinkler system. I felt more than a little stupid because I did not know the problem. Rather than face my fear and tell her I feel like less than a macho man, I told her that it would get done. She perceived this as I was letting things slide and didn't care that something was broken. For me it was fear. For her it was a broken promise and loss of trust.

I've got to balance facing my own fears versus reacting out of hurt. I'm afraid of being a disappointment. I'm afraid of not being loved. I'm afraid that I'm inadequate. If I were to continue living in my fears then I'd always be a passive people-pleaser. That really sums up my journey. Not being bound by fear. Stepping forward. Giving others the opportunity to meet up with my fears and potentially hurt me. Especially my wife. My struggle here, and the balance I have a hard time maintaining is being reactive in my hurt. Either wanting to repay the hurt or run away from it. It is hard to maintain balance when you know something is going to hurt, especially when, because of her own stuff, I don't think my wife understands why I am in pain - my desire to be respected and admired by her.

I've got to balance giving her the space to process her emotional and spiritual scars and heal from them verses making her aware of my feelings and desires for our relationship. It is the balance of not backing off too much and not pressing too hard. This is a process. I don't want us to regress to a place that is more comfortable. The path of least resistance leads back to where we were. In our relationship, it is going to be painful to make improvement. Cleaning out a wound is messy. Resetting a broken bone is painful. But the result is worth it. It takes time and effort. This is where I come up against the walls. My struggle is that I get frustrated and have a tendency to create expectations. It is sometimes hard to see progress when you are in the middle of something, like noticing the growth in your child versus the growth change in a kid you see once a year.

I've got to balance communicating and guiding as a loving husband versus becoming a teacher/counselor or pushing her dad buttons. My wife is going to reject any leadership in which I act as her dad, checking up on her. Since I love to do it for others, I easily fall into the trap of counseling or teaching her. Not providing what she needs, just providing the answers. This too has been a struggle. I am the Hank Haney of relationships; I can diagnose and tell you how to improve yours and all the while miss out of practicing the techniques in my own relationship. My leadership has to be by example. Without expectations. Making my wife my primary ministry. Guiding her through the healing process by going first and talking about what God is doing. Remembering what God is doing and living out of the change.

Maintaining balance is tough. I fall often. But while it is not linear, I am making huge progress. Two steps forward and one step back means that you are a step ahead of where you were. My hope is that soon I will begin to be the man my wife will finally find the joy of being a woman around. Taking down her walls for me and giving her respect and admiration in return. That sounds worth the effort.

Who's To Blame?

Who knew that Jimmy Buffet was so wise? As the song "Margaritaville" runs it course, Jimmy comes to the following conclusion with the final lyrics of the song "Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I know it's my own damn fault". (Great, now I'll have that song in my head as I go to teach tonight...speaking of which, I can't wait to see if the dude in the front row wears his three inch spiked heals again tonight...never had a cross-dresser in class before.)

Going though the lyrics of his song, it seems Jim is wondering how he ended up wasting away in Margaritaville. Each verse increases his self-reflection. First it's nobody's fault, then it may be his fault, and finally he gets honest enough to confess that he knows it is his own fault. While I was never stuck in Margaritaville, I did have a problem with blame assessment that God has had to deal with.

One of the miracles that God has done for me, really the one that helped to dissolve the anger I felt towards my wife, was poking a hole in my wall of pride that I had built up regarding my marriage. I could never figure out why my wife did not adore me more. Other women obviously would if given the opportunity because I was really an ideal husband, right? I was a very considerate man. Willing to treat my wife like a princess. Of course there were a few things that I wanted in return, but it was all normal husband-wife stuff (and in the Bible!) that I was entitled to.

Thus, I came to the conclusion, as our marriage became more and more dysfunctional that the fault was mainly with my wife. Sure, I had areas to improve upon and so I was generously willing to assess myself around 15% of the blame (that's the mathematician in me). By assigning myself that number I was humbly taking one for the team - marriage is give and take, right? You can see how I was able to fool myself that another relationship was justified.

If she would just do a better job meeting my needs, then our marriage would have been much, much better. In all honesty, and I know this is sounds ridiculous because as I read it looks ridiculous, it never occurred to me to wonder why my wife had no interest in my needs. When she told me I was 'needy' that really stung because my perspective was that I was fully normal. "If having a need was being needy, then I declare that I'm guilty!" was once a reply I had for her. (Where's that considerate husband again?)

Having needs is not wrong. Having the needs was not the problem. Actually, needs are a gift from God that are intended to tie us together, to bind us together in all our relationships. It is that way with our relationship with God, it is that way with family and friends, and it is true about our marriages as well. Of course, God created some very unique needs that can only be met in a marital relationship. So, my desires were not the problem.

The problem was that I was not willing to die to myself for the sake of my wife. Isn't that what Ephesians 5 says? Often I think we look at "gave himself for her" as referring only to Christ's sacrificial death so we think, yeah I'd take a bullet in the place of my wife. But was I willing to give myself up for her? To humble myself for her? Deny my position and desires for her? To take the worst she had to dish out and still love her with abandon? Isn't that also what Christ did? It seems I wasn't willing to become selfless, putting her needs alongside my own in the relationship. The evidence that I didn't become selfless was that my God given needs became expectations of her behavior.

That's what she meant by neediness. Since success in my relationships was tied to performance, I had hung the weight of performance on my wife. Rather than creating a relational environment where my wife felt loved no matter what, it created a great burden for her - for no matter what she did, no matter what small steps toward improvement she would make, it was never enough. It is true that I didn't have a record of wrongs (how unbiblical would that be!), but I did have a record of what-you're-not-doing-rights. I was willing to go the extra mile for a couple thousand people at church, but I wasn't willing to lovingly minister to my wife. No wonder she was jealous of my job - it got the best of my love.

All of this to say that the needs that God intended to be a point of connection and intimacy for my wife and me spiraled down into points of division and alienation. Yes I was lonely. Yes I wasn't respected or desired. No there wasn't an emotional or physical connection between us. But she was longing for those things as well, and I had done nothing but create a barrier between us. I justified my passivity as giving my wife space to work through her issues, but it really just gave me an excuse to throw a pity party, say that I've done all I could, and develop other attachments to work, friends, and finally to someone else.

When Adam and Eve sinned, it is often justified that it was Eve's 'fault' because she listened to the serpent and bit the apple. It was her actions that caused the fall. But Adam was right there. Adam stood passively silent. Adam watched everything go down in flames. He had apple juice on his chin, then passed the blame. Sounds almost exactly like what happened in my marriage. Yet, Genesis says that God "called to the man" to see what happened. The relationship was his responsibility. My eyes have been opened that the same is true for me.

Being George

I love the TV show Seinfeld. With the exception of a few of the season one episodes, there is not another sitcom that was as consistently funny as Jerry and the gang. There is a favorite episode of mine that I'll keep on the dvr for awhile when I manage to catch it on late night. Putty, his Jesus fish, 'resurrected' radio stations, and him telling Elaine to steal the neighbor's newspaper because "I'm not the one going to hell." Makes me laugh every time.

In another episode, more related to today's blog, George decides after ordering tuna on toast that he always orders tuna on toast and it is time to start doing things differently. He's achieved no success the way he's lived, so he decides to do everything the exact opposite of his first impulse. This starts with ordering chicken salad on rye (is that the opposite of tuna on toast, Jerry says) and culminates with George Costanza chewing out George Steinbrenner during a job interview. "Hire this man!" declares Steinbrenner much to the surprise of the executive interviewing Costanza. Apparently, some on the Internet have more time to waste than I do, for a simple google search turned up the entire script of the episode of The Opposite, including George's diatribe:

Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!

If only doing the opposite of your first impulse or of your habitual behavior was so easy or immediately successful. Right now in my marriage I feel like I am being George. My tendency has been to seeking approval in my relationships. Within my marriage this was no different. As my wife pushed me further away, I tried all the harder to make her happy. I knew all along that her happiness was not to be found in me, just as my happiness was not in my relationship with her, but over time as little things bring relief they tend to become part of your relational arsenal.

Because part of my wife's coping strategy was to assume control, both of us tipped the balance of our marriage away from the traditional roles that God has intended. This is not to say I was a glorified labrador retriever, but my tendency was toward passivity because it kept the peace and was easier to deal with.

Now I'm having to do the opposite.

Of course, this does not mean that I need to hit a guardrail, put on the wife beater t-shirt, and become a ruthless dictator in my home, but a big part of my journey is assuming strength in my marriage and other relationships. This is tough. It is always tough to unlearn old behaviors and relearn new ones.

Especially when the new behaviors are met with resistance rather than instantaneous success. My wife is having to go through the same process. Even tougher for her is the idea of trusting my leadership. She has told me before that her fight is against submitting and having a natural respect for my position as husband. It would be so much easier to travel the path of least resistance.

Of course, not changing would be easier in the short term, but worse for our marriage and our souls in the long term. So for now I continue in the awkwardness of establishing new patterns. It's like having been sitting for too long in the same position and making those first steps with your legs completely asleep; you have to look at your feel to know they are moving. It feels so unnatural, but you can look up and know that you're getting somewhere.

In the Seinfeld episode, while George is on his way up by doing the opposite - Elaine is on her way down. She loses her job. Her boyfriend. And her apartment. At one point she laments "I'm George, I'm George!"

One thing I am trying to avoid in becoming the man God wants me to be, is that I don't want my wife to feel devalued, used, or pushed around. Hopefully as I lead my marriage well, she'll feel free to be feminine. Experiencing trust and security; a couple of the things that God has designed for her to get out of the marital relationship.

Strength is not found in my controlling her or even in making every decision. But in setting up boundaries for our family. In communicating values and expectations clearly. In serving and loving her. Making our relationship my ministry. Serving her not to keep the peace nor for my own approval, but a service that is out of my desire for my wife to know she is loved and that she can follow me as I follow God.

We both have to understand that final responsibility for our marriage and its fruit, good or bad, lies with me. Adam forgot that principle in the garden. At some point in the past I forgot it as well. But God has renewed my passion for my wife, and part of that has come from experiencing the freedom that comes with assuming the proper role. I don't want to play a part. I'm not following a script.

I'm thankful that God doesn't accept me based on my performance because I am messing this up a lot. My hope is for long term change so that my wife and I can minister to others, can lead within the church again, and can impact our daughter with what a healthy relationship looks like. Her future depends upon this too. I'm just looking forward to when it feels more natural that walking with your legs asleep.

Being Passive

In Exodus it says the the sins of a father are passed on for three or four generations. As I have been looking at myself spiritually and emotionally, the reality of generational patterns has been becoming more and more obvious in my life. Now, I have not put extensive thought into reflecting on my family yet, but some of the things that have been modeled for me and passed on are too obvious to not bring into the discussion. (A project that I am researching for my wife and I is to construct a genogram and very intentionally look at the good and bad that was our parents and their relationship in order to determine some of the baggage/strategies that we have carried into our relationship.)

I don't want this to come across as an indictment on my dad and I think we all understand that. He was a good dad. Involved in my extracurricular activities, generous, and I knew he loved me, but among some other things, my dad was and is passive. The idea of a strong man that I got from him was like Rocky Balboa - just take the punishment. Remember in Rocky IV? Rocky vs. the big Russian dude (Ivan Drago?) and they are in Russia and Rocky is just getting the mess beat out of his face. He's barely lifting his arms, motioning to the other fighter; basically giving an open invitation to just tire himself out bloodying him. Until Rocky took enough, then he vengefully let loose and won.

A lot of that reminds me of my dad. Whatever is going on in his life he just takes in. Disagreements and conflict with his wife? Just absorb it and smooth it over. Sibling conflict? Just withdraw from the relationship. Death of parents and daughter? Just live in regret and pay your penance by visiting the grave frequently. Mind you, he has not processed nor dealt with his issues, in fact they are right below the surface bubbling like hot lava waiting for a vent to release the pressure. Dad drives angry. That's an outlet. Occasionally he will get snippy with a server at a restaurant. Look out. But for the most part he is just very passive in his relationships. Not rocking the boat or talking about anything of depth.

In a lot of ways, I have carried this baton from my dad, although I wouldn't put myself as far down the passivity scale as he falls. For me, it is hard to separate what is passive and what is people pleasing, but the tendency is there. I'll withdraw in conflict. Many times I'll give up leadership in situations in which not only am I the responsible party but through which I am gifted by God to lead well. Sometimes that's where the interesting mix of people pleasing comes in. Take the front loading washing machine incident of the last post. There was a point that I had a proposed path to solve the problem that I abandoned when my wife pushed back rather emotionally. I backed down because part of me wanted to be the hero, but a larger part wanted to do what was necessary to avoid confrontation. That's being passive and probably my greatest area of work in marriage.

In the past I have wanted my wife to respect my leadership and give me the room necessary to lead. What I am learning about femininity is that, in her desire for security, if I am not leading she will fill the void. It is my job as a husband to give her something to which she can respond. That's a paradigm shift in my thinking. Confrontation would happen in any marriage, especially as the husband lovingly asserts himself. In our case we have almost 15 years of bad habits to relearn, covenant trust to be rebuilt, not to mention a healthy dose of OCD that makes all this even more precarious.

Yet, my desire is to be the man God made me to be so that our marriage can be all this world will allow. So my journey involves one of moving toward more strength. Primarily in my marriage, but in all my relationships - for so many of them fall into this same pattern that I've adopted with my wife. Knowing my propensity for guardrails, I am hoping to achieve balance rather than swing the pendulum all the way in the other direction. That is a fear not shared by those I've talked with about this - I'm told I am a genuinely nice guy who wants to follow God so I'm not likely to be a wife beater, but erring on the side of strength wouldn't be a bad thing.

So, I'll make my best effort to face my fears and move toward strength. The time of passivity is passing.

You Just Have to Remove Three Screws

One of the evidences that I am getting older is that a number of "in my day" and "remember when" stories have started to creep into my arsenal. This occurred to me yesterday as I was trying to process the events of my late afternoon.

Remember when washing machines were fairly simple? A cylinder that was filled with water spun lazily one way then another and when the water was ready to be emptied the cylinder spun really, really fast to utilize marvelous centrifugal force to get the water out the drain. Pretty straight forward stuff. We had one of those for 12 years and I got to the point that I could diagnose and fix basic mechanical problems like a worn out clutch element.

Someone in the washing machine biz must have realized that this was a problem and billions of dollars in repair bills were being lost, so someone, somewhere in Japan invented the front loading washing machine. We have one. I'll admit, it has more buttons than my laptop, so as a guy I am immediately attracted to this device. Only problem is that it takes a PhD in mechanical engineering to fix - or so I've learned. Now to get the water out there is a complex pump at the bottom of the machine that spits the water against gravity to that drain they put halfway up the wall in all of our houses. Almost like gravity was a challenge to overcome rather than a helpful tool.

To give you a little context, the reason that we have a front loading washing machine is that my wife has OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder. It is a condition that she has developed as a way to order her world; providing comfort and control as a response to relational distress and chaos. OCD can take on many forms but for my wife it is particularly evident in the area of cleanliness and laundry. Before the crisis event in our lives last year, we used to joke about her neatness and laundry habit. Actually, by joking I mean that I deferred my super frustration with how much this meant to her by making jokes. Trying to appear like it didn't matter. Wearing a mask. Yet, inside I was lonely and not understanding why I was last on the list of priorities.

One of the pieces of good that God was able to work in the past year was getting my wife's attention that there was a lot of stuff in her past that she'd not worked through or even addressed and compulsions like the laundry were her way of putting a safe distance between us and also between her and God. She didn't know that. I didn't know that. Problem was that ignorance was not bliss, and my resulting behavior because of my loneliness, rejection and feeling disrespected caused me to play right into her insecurities. Vicious cycle. More of my failings in this area are sure to burst forth in future blogs.

While I now understand what is going on in my wife, that doesn't always make it any easier to respond to. For me that takes constant self talk and thinking through situations in a way that, right now, is unnatural for me. God made me good at relating to people in general, yet this is a stretch. Worth it in every way. Showing my love for her and being other-centered means that I need to make every effort to understand the trial of her world. Because this is still a process that I have to think through in each moment, times of stress become exceptionally hard.

So, I am still processing what I will call the front loading washing machine incident. (Not a catchy title, but effective.) Two days ago the machine stopped running, flashed an error message (told you it was cool!) and locked the front door. Good thing none of us had crawled in there, it self-locked when there was a problem much like the computer HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Thankfully we had purchased the warranty and a repairman would be out the next day. For my wife, here is where the stress starts. A repairman....in the laundry room....is he a smoker?....will he take off his shoes....is he sick?....and many, many more troublesome thoughts. None is this is meant to mock her, this is very real stress. So far, I have done good. Listened with eye contact. Comforted when necessary. Assured that when she wipes the machines down they will be clean again. Probably not a perfect job by me, but it was genuine and I'm improving. She needs to know that I love her no matter what; that she can be secure in my love regardless of whether or not this is how I would choose to react.

Repairman comes while I am visiting a friend in Orlando. Success. New pump. He is a non-smoker. Kept his tools very clean. Picked up. She was happy. I was relieved and hoping that I had built up a little trust in this mini-crisis. To celebrate I listen to the Bellamy Brothers' "Let Your Love Flow" real loud three times in a row on my drive home. Home is where chaos ensues.

Disaster. The new pump leaks. There is water on the floor. Repairman will not come back until approved by the warranty people. But hope flows in from the internet and I'm greeted at the door by "Scott, you just have to remove three screws and we can see what the problem is!" My wife is so beautiful and my heart was warmed that she thought I could do this that I actually checked out the website and said to myself "it is just three screws" and I agreed. Pride strikes again.

Every husband just wants the respect of his wife. This has been a long standing struggle in our marriage. Feeling inadequate sucks and happens to be one of my three fears as a man (in this I'm not unique.) So I squeeze into the laundry room - room being a term I use loosely. Big man in a small space! As I lose feeling in my legs I spy the three screws. But wait, there are a bunch of pipes here as well. No problem to remove those, right? Wrong. Water, water everywhere. With no pump, gravity takes over. I really should have known this. The gush of water and me with a coffee cup trying to catch it all. I am losing. To make matters worse, I gashed the top of my hand directly into a vein. Water everywhere and I am bleeding like a garden hose with a hole in it.



Now all I can hear is my wife hyperventilating. Poor woman. Blood on the washer and dryer. Water soaking into the flooring that now needs to be replaced. Dirty, wet towels everywhere. Nothing will make you feel less adequate that knowing you did this and now your wife is literally hyperventilating because of it. Self talk is now gone and I am reacting out of my hurt. She says "all this mess in my laundry room" and I say "I'm doing the best I can" and on and on and on. It was really much worse a scene that I'm describing, but I am way, way long here.

Her OCD is hard for me to understand. I do understand what it is and why it is there. But I don't necessarily "get" it. It is not a choice for her. Hopefully it will diminish as she works through her issues with God, with me, and some others, but it may not. Either way, what IS a choice is my reaction. My pride was hurt and in that moment I became self-centered. I wanted her to think of me and affirm me. Back to my old patterns and I reacted out of my hurt. Rather than offering compassion and security I probably made her feel like she was defective and a bother. Someone who can only be loved if she performs well or doesn't trouble me. I used to do that a lot. When my expectations weren't met (and they rarely were) I became needy. Reacting out of my hurt. Only offering love when I felt like I got what I needed.


My motivation was not love for my wife, but rather love for myself.


As I've processed the events of yesterday, I do see that stress was the key factor. Because of the added stress of the moment I reverted back. It has felt good to be free of that old behavior, but yesterday was a reminder that it takes constant work. Loving my wife well must become a second nature and that takes time. I am learning, but slowly. Another bit of learning that I've internalized - God doesn't love me less for my failures as a husband (or as a repairman), in fact I think He is pleased with what I'm learning and in becoming the man He designed me to be. It's a process, part of working out my salvation.


Oh, also learned that next time I will wait for the repairman.

The Moment

With one notable exception, I have maintained good boundaries with women. Going back to my time as a college math instructor before pastoring, I would never have a female student in my office with the door closed. If I was in a home as a hired tutor and the student was a girl, I would insist someone else be in the room with us. I didn't want anything left to chance.

As a pastor, I further developed these boundaries. If I had an off campus meeting with a leader that was a woman, there was always three of us. On one occasion, my women's ministry director happened to also work at the church and we were going to meet someone off campus for a lunch meeting. To her chagrin and befuddlement, I insisted that we drive separately. For another off campus meeting, the third person called while I was standing in the restaurant to say she couldn't attend. In that case, before I sat I called the husband of the other leader to make sure he knew where we were, what we were doing, and if that was OK. I wanted to avoid the appearance of evil.

Understandably, all it takes is one failing in this area for all trust to dissolve and perceptions to change.

The lady who cut my hair told me she was uncomfortable being around me. That was the new perception. Several months before that when she began trying to cross boundaries with me, I called her husband and told him he needed to talk with his wife. Turns out she was having multiple affairs. Their marriage was saved.

One of my key leaders of our recovery ministry told me she was uncomfortable talking to me anymore because she felt like she could be the next woman I went after. Before that this woman considered me her big brother.

Perceptions change. Yet, the truth of the matter was that I didn't let the former woman cross any boundaries with me and it never crossed my mind to 'go after' the latter. My mind was always prepared for someone to overtly approach me, either physically or with their conversation, and I had my way out planned.

While my boundaries were pretty good, everything was not perfect. I became pretty indiscriminant with my phone number. With both men and women. Rather than it being reserved for leaders and people my wife knew of, I wrote it down for lots of people in need. Facebook became a nightmare. Logging on would start and avalanche of people seeking teaching, pastoral care and counsel. I've been pretty upfront about my desire for approval and affirmation. If you've read other blogs, you know my pride.

I wanted to be the hero. To solve people's problems. Have them grateful.

While I was hoping for and was prepared for gratitude. What I was not prepared for was to actually become someone's hero. To be overtly respected and admired. To be sought out and listened to. To be affirmed and have someone pursue knowing me in return.

For many pastors, this would not have been a problem. They could have shaken this off like I did the woman who wanted to complain to me about her husband. But for me, these were the things missing in my own marriage. My God given desire was to receive this attention from my wife. I was experiencing an extended drought of respect and attention from my wife, and this substitute, while not the real thing, felt good. Without a proper relationship with God to provide balance, this was the foothold that I gave Satan in my life.

My pride told me "you can manage this, you can be married and have a close friendship with another woman, this actually helps you take the pressure off your wife". That's self-justification in action.

The truth of it is, the more I let myself receive this attention and the closer we got, the more I wanted of it. One boundary fell after another. Right or wrong, my perception was that I had no one else to talk to. I opened up to her. That was the moment for me that I knew things were not right. That was supposed to be the boundary you never cross. Phone calls, chats, visits just to hang out. The foothold was not physical, yet the emotional bond got stronger and stronger.

Eventually the grass seemed greener. Forget my wife. Forget building perseverance, leading to character, pointing to hope. How could God play this cruel joke on me and let me meet this person while married? As I have said before, I was drunk on my sin and I began making the decisions that drunk people make. That tatoo makes sense the night before when you are drunk.

It took God to sober me up. That was the miracle of a God who never left me, never condoned what I was doing, and waited patiently for me to recognize my folly and get my head out of the mud. I think my next blog will be on the miracle.

The pertinent question is: Why will this not happen again? What is different now? Good question.

The short answer is that I am not the same person. My relationship with God is changed, not because He is different, but because I am new. My marriage is different because I am not the same (and my wife too, of course, but we're talking about me here). I trust God. I recognize that it is not my performance the He is interested in. I am experiencing brokenness. My love for my wife is other-centered, not based on what she can do for me. I am learning to communicate out of strength rather than neediness. All my fears are on the table and I am every day operating less out of avoidance of them. My affirmation is from God.

As a practical example, at the college in which I am now an instructor, according to my monthly evaluations I am experiencing statistically improbable success. Especially for a math teacher, among the most hated, student and administration response to me has been unlike any other time I've taught. In the past I pined for good evaluations. Read through them and based my image of myself on what was said. I obsessed on the bad - how could they say that about me??? - and took pride in the good. Now I chuckle at my evaluations and forward them to my wife so she can too. The success I'm getting here is from God, I am utterly convinced. I take it as Him considering me ready.

God has restored my love for people. Not a love of what is in it for me. Just a love because He loves them. I've counseled students spiritually. It is no longer in my mind to be their hero. There are other examples that I see in myself. There are other reasons that this won't happen again. But I hope you get the picture. It's not external. It's not because my marriage is now perfect. It's not because my job is fulfilling or that I have an abundance of close friendships.

God has changed me.

Thanks for reading.