I am not much of a puzzle builder. Takes far too much patience. I really like activities in which progress is steady and noticeable, not hunting for something that may or may not have the color/pattern/shape/shading that you are looking for only to be continually disappointed when things don't fit. The one part of the process that I did enjoy was the edge. As a kid, I was good at sorting through, finding all the flat pieces and building the frame. Progress. Then I'd leave the interior for my mom and sister.
On my spiritual journey, I am sometimes forlorn that progress in me is not quicker. More noticeable to me. That I am still so bad at being a husband and abandoning my passivity. A friend of my, in a moment of encouragement that worked, told me that I am like a person who has been miraculously spared from a medical condition, like a stroke. Now, though, I am doing the tough, painful, exhausting job of rehabilitation. Learning new behaviors, moving beyond the awkwardness of thinking through every decision, and breaking the mold that was the old relational system that I was comfortable with.
The past couple weeks, things have really been starting to fit together. It's like something I read or was counseled a few months ago suddenly clicks into place and I'm able to actualize it, not just understand it in theory. Things like sharing my inner life. Expressing my vulnerability and what God is doing with me. Being an encourager. Not being demanding, but communicating my needs and desires. Not walking away from the conflict, but making attempts to lead through. Other stuff. All of which may seem simple to you. But for a passive guy who fears rejection and disappointing others, these are monumental steps. This is my Wall. My journey to strength is taking me through my Wall.
When I was a kid, I had this Atari game (by the way, the Atari 2600 rocked. one button. one controller. hours of fun shooting tanks, racing cars, swinging on vines, slaying dragons. i would love to have an Atari 2600 with Pitfall! and Adventure to go home to. and a cup of hot chocolate. and three feet of snow so i could stay in and play...........) Sorry, retreated back to my childhood there. Anyway, the game was called Yars' Revenge. In it you were a bug shaped space ship and you had to kill the mother ship which was behind a wall. Two ways to destroy the wall, shoot it or (since you were a bug) eat it. Well, I could never figure out how to kill the mother ship, so for me all the fun was eating the wall. Kinda lame. Now that I think of it, why didn't the mother ship die when I shot it or ran into it? There was literally nothing else you could do in the game.
Anyway, I'd eat the wall. Piece by piece until I could get through. That's how my Wall is now on this journey. Ignoring it helped lead me to my place of downfall. Only way to deal with the wall is to take it apart, piece by piece. You can't leap over it, ram through it, go around it. The Wall is the Wall and you have to either deal with it or run away from it. Before I didn't have the tools to deal with it or someone who could lead me on the journey. Now I have both.
(Lots of tangents today. If you are reading this, and struggling and wanting to know what to do. Begging for a step, something to relieve the pain. My suggestion, in love, is to go see a counselor. Put the pride on hold and get some counseling. Either professionally or a well trained lay person. Issues don't just magically go away. They come back and bring seven friends.)
The latest part of the wall that I am removing, a remnant from the people pleasing pattern, is differentiating between loving/accepting and indulging. Acknowledging crises as they pop up, empathizing, strategizing, but not giving into the demands. It takes effort and truth to change a system, especially one that has had 15 years to cement itself. In the past, giving in has felt to me like I'm loving her, and it has felt like love to her. But it isn't. It's enabling (how come I can identify that in every other person on the planet, but think it is healthy in me?).
People naturally resist change. Change is uncomfortable. Resistance to me, to my new, healthy behaviors is going to make me feel like I am unloving. Which takes me to puzzle piece number two for the week - proceeding through. That's the piece of the wall. Maybe the biggest piece yet. Maybe the biggest piece there is. Not backing away passively from resistance. But continuing through, having compassion for my wife's woundedness, loving her by walking alongside through her struggles, but providing a path. Being her guide. Helping her see around the corner when she cannot.
I've never said this on my blog, always thought it was assumed - but, I love my wife. A lot. I love being with her. I always loved her before I went crazy, but after my miracle it was like the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And I had all the love of ten Grinches, plus two. I love my wife. And I am so sorry that I wasn't better equipped to be her husband. That is changing, better late than never.
What's on the other side of the wall? What happens when the pieces of the puzzle fit together? I am told the life of love awaits. I don't mean that in some romantic, Hollywood, fairy tale, happily ever after kind of way. I mean life of love in that loving others well without thought of myself is just the natural expression of who I am. It is Jesus not just living in me, but through me. It is channeling God's love for me to other people. The overflow. It is being a light and no one can see the bulb.
I'm not there yet. But I'm closer that I was last week. Maybe I've finished the edge of the puzzle.
Showing posts with label other-centered. Show all posts
Showing posts with label other-centered. Show all posts
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
This Blog Is Better Than The Notebook
Have you noticed that every romantic movie, aimed at women, now claims in big letters on the box that "This movie is better than The Notebook!"? It's annoying and also a red flag that the movie is going to be a let down. I didn't enjoy The Notebook, but if I did I would be super wary of these new releases claiming to be the heir apparent.
Today's topic is women. When trying to think of some catchy title for the blog all I could think of was that movie and one thought led to another and BAM - bad blog title. The first paragraph was just a segway between the meaningless title of this blog and the actual body.
Not sure if lingo will be a problem today, but I really feel prompted to share this. More specifically than women is the idea of womanhood. What Larry Crabb calls femininity. What God designed women to be. Several months ago I listened to a conference Dr. Crabb gave regarding masculinity and femininity. It's been awhile, but if memory serves, he formulates his definitions from the Hebrew roots of male and female in Genesis.
Biblical masculinity remembers God and creates order by entering into darkness and chaos. That is strength, overcoming fear to make the first steps. In the garden, Adam broke from the mold God made for him by standing silently and passively by while Eve was tempted.
For women, Dr. Crabb defines femininity as the ability to reveal the invitational nature of God. True masculinity and femininity complement each other to form intimacy in varying degrees depending upon the nature of the relationship.
In my life this has been a struggle that I've been unaware of until recently. How do I respond to true biblical womanhood? Examples have been for the most part lacking in my life. My mom manipulates (Now let me make a disclaimer: after my blogs regarding my dad I had some a comment to the effect - I'm sure your dad was doing the best he could. That is totally true. My parents love me and I love them, of that I have no doubt. This is just observation, not judgment.) Mom will manipulate by making comments, then if you respond she will say "Oh, I was just kidding." She'll exaggerate. She is the queen of expecting you to read between the lines and know what she wants and if you don't she'll be hurt. Manipulative femininity.
I had an inappropriate relationship with someone who used her femininity for evil. To seduce and destroy. (Again a disclaimer: in no way am I shirking my responsibility for my actions. Only stating the reality that I was not alone in doing wrong.) Destructive femininity.
My wife, because of her own struggles, tends to hold me at a distance. Intimacy is not possible because she has not accepted herself as a loved and valuable daughter of God. Despite her stated desires that we be close, she still has the first impulse to run. Unapproachable femininity.
For differing reasons and to varying degrees, each of these struggles to reveal the invitational nature of God. As I make the journey from passivity to strength, as I have detailed before, it become important for me to respond appropriately to femininity.
Having little exposure to that has taught me to respond selfishly. With my wife I developed expectations and demands of her behavior. In the case of my mom, I attempt to please her to gain approval. And I responded to the seductive femininity by selfishly attempting to be my own god.
Case in point, my wife has a friend who does not like to hug. For whatever reason. But I do. In fact, I am a very affectionate person, so in this area we are diametrically opposed. So, I've hugged her anyway. Joked about it, even told her that maybe I can teach her to enjoy a hug. In effect, I made the entire interaction about me. "If she liked me, she'd hug me." This is obviously not true, but instead of looking to all the ways she shows her friendship, I used this one thing as a litmus test.
Bottom line is that if I am going to become strong, biblical man then I need to be able to remember who God is, face my own fears, and be able to communicate through word and action the purposes of God. That is not a selfish endeavor. In fact, it is considerable other-centered. It is the example left by Christ. Doing the will of God rather than your own will, eyes focused on the things of God rather than the things of man. Submitting to Him. Denying myself.
With women in particular, it means taking words as face value. Being grateful for complements and praise rather than feeling guilty. It means respecting boundaries. For me and my wife, it means that I set boundaries, not withdraw, and do my best to step forward and provide order and security in her world at the level appropriate for a husband. I'm not to be her god, I am to serve her and serve God.
None of this may make sense to whoever is reading this blog. A lot of the thoughts are a combination of stuff I've read, counseling sessions, and a Larry Crabb lecture series. It's a blog so I left a lot undefined. That's OK. Skip on to yesterday's, it is better with a more meaningful title. But in these last few paragraphs I think I figured out why God wanted me to type this out today. My fears have defined more that just my relationship with God. I knew that, but I've just seen how. More than ever I am choosing to trust.
Today's topic is women. When trying to think of some catchy title for the blog all I could think of was that movie and one thought led to another and BAM - bad blog title. The first paragraph was just a segway between the meaningless title of this blog and the actual body.
Not sure if lingo will be a problem today, but I really feel prompted to share this. More specifically than women is the idea of womanhood. What Larry Crabb calls femininity. What God designed women to be. Several months ago I listened to a conference Dr. Crabb gave regarding masculinity and femininity. It's been awhile, but if memory serves, he formulates his definitions from the Hebrew roots of male and female in Genesis.
Biblical masculinity remembers God and creates order by entering into darkness and chaos. That is strength, overcoming fear to make the first steps. In the garden, Adam broke from the mold God made for him by standing silently and passively by while Eve was tempted.
For women, Dr. Crabb defines femininity as the ability to reveal the invitational nature of God. True masculinity and femininity complement each other to form intimacy in varying degrees depending upon the nature of the relationship.
In my life this has been a struggle that I've been unaware of until recently. How do I respond to true biblical womanhood? Examples have been for the most part lacking in my life. My mom manipulates (Now let me make a disclaimer: after my blogs regarding my dad I had some a comment to the effect - I'm sure your dad was doing the best he could. That is totally true. My parents love me and I love them, of that I have no doubt. This is just observation, not judgment.) Mom will manipulate by making comments, then if you respond she will say "Oh, I was just kidding." She'll exaggerate. She is the queen of expecting you to read between the lines and know what she wants and if you don't she'll be hurt. Manipulative femininity.
I had an inappropriate relationship with someone who used her femininity for evil. To seduce and destroy. (Again a disclaimer: in no way am I shirking my responsibility for my actions. Only stating the reality that I was not alone in doing wrong.) Destructive femininity.
My wife, because of her own struggles, tends to hold me at a distance. Intimacy is not possible because she has not accepted herself as a loved and valuable daughter of God. Despite her stated desires that we be close, she still has the first impulse to run. Unapproachable femininity.
For differing reasons and to varying degrees, each of these struggles to reveal the invitational nature of God. As I make the journey from passivity to strength, as I have detailed before, it become important for me to respond appropriately to femininity.
Having little exposure to that has taught me to respond selfishly. With my wife I developed expectations and demands of her behavior. In the case of my mom, I attempt to please her to gain approval. And I responded to the seductive femininity by selfishly attempting to be my own god.
Case in point, my wife has a friend who does not like to hug. For whatever reason. But I do. In fact, I am a very affectionate person, so in this area we are diametrically opposed. So, I've hugged her anyway. Joked about it, even told her that maybe I can teach her to enjoy a hug. In effect, I made the entire interaction about me. "If she liked me, she'd hug me." This is obviously not true, but instead of looking to all the ways she shows her friendship, I used this one thing as a litmus test.
Bottom line is that if I am going to become strong, biblical man then I need to be able to remember who God is, face my own fears, and be able to communicate through word and action the purposes of God. That is not a selfish endeavor. In fact, it is considerable other-centered. It is the example left by Christ. Doing the will of God rather than your own will, eyes focused on the things of God rather than the things of man. Submitting to Him. Denying myself.
With women in particular, it means taking words as face value. Being grateful for complements and praise rather than feeling guilty. It means respecting boundaries. For me and my wife, it means that I set boundaries, not withdraw, and do my best to step forward and provide order and security in her world at the level appropriate for a husband. I'm not to be her god, I am to serve her and serve God.
None of this may make sense to whoever is reading this blog. A lot of the thoughts are a combination of stuff I've read, counseling sessions, and a Larry Crabb lecture series. It's a blog so I left a lot undefined. That's OK. Skip on to yesterday's, it is better with a more meaningful title. But in these last few paragraphs I think I figured out why God wanted me to type this out today. My fears have defined more that just my relationship with God. I knew that, but I've just seen how. More than ever I am choosing to trust.
Just Say No
So I was drinking from a dangerous cocktail. My relationship with God was being defined by my performance, I was throwing myself into my work as a way to comfort myself through my marriage issues, and I was a people pleaser with a high desire for affirmation.
But what made things even worse is that I was good at what I was doing. My relational style of leadership is good at building people up and getting the most out of them. My organizational skills and vision are at least above average. My capacity to formulate a plan, get people on board and get things done is high. Just sayin'. Sometimes I feel like I focus so much on my failings in this blog, it feels good to finally point out a positive.
Problem was: this positive was both a blessing and a curse. Effectiveness leads to more affirmation and thus more opportunity. Not wanting to let anyone down led to more 'yes' answers when presented with opportunity. It was a cycle. Fueled by pride. With no one looking out for me, and me not looking out for myself, I was gradually became overwhelmed. Sometimes unable to face my list for the day because there was so much on it. Meeting on top of meeting. Training, recruiting, and encouraging leaders. Counseling. Teaching. Visiting. Little time for reflecting, planning or evaluating. Certainly not for meditating or praying.
At the root, though, was not a desire to glorify God. The unspoken desire of my heart was to glorify myself. Seeking the affirmation I desire. Validation for who I was; my calling and my relationship with God. I couldn't say no; I wanted things to rely on me - and for the most part I got my wish.
Everyone has a limited capacity. Whether or not you train leaders to carry forth your vision, there is only so much time for that as well. So rather than doing anything great, I was doing a lot of things well. (Another nefarious strategy of mine was to call other churches. Partly out of a desire to learn, but also partly to gloat about how much better I was doing than they were. Uplifting stuff.) Comparison with others was a main method of evaluation, rather than looking at my gift set, potential or calling.
Brokenness will change your pride. Losing (or giving away) everything will change your outlook. As I begin to answer the rumblings of ministry again - The Calling - I'm more focused. What do I say yes to and what no? What tasks or opportunities would benefit from my skill and gift set and what could anyone else do? Decision making 101 - focus on what to say yes or no to. My identity is not dependent on my performance, it is rooted in Christ.
I don't want my family short-changed. They deserve the best of me, not what is left over. Particularly my wife. Previously I was able to rationalize starving her of my attention because I wasn't getting what I needed. Regardless of my needs, my God given responsibility is to my relationship with her. Other-centered love rather than self-centered. Sounds like another blog topic.
I don't want my ministry short-changed. God has uniquely gifted me. (How many people-oriented, pastoral, mathematicians do you know?) Saying yes to everything non-discriminantly, no matter how good, may cause me to miss out on the main thing(s) God has for me.
Anything that comes my way will have to pass through this new filter. Even more, my wife is included in the decision making/prayer process; gathering her perspective on the drain to my time of any new opportunity. I've always wanted her to have part ownership of my ministry and this is one way that will happen. This is about both of us and I don't want her to again resent my job as she would a mistress. For me it is a calling, the 'job' is part of me. Her encouragement and support is necessary; I've done ministry having to fight against her opposition. Balance.
As I've said before, my journey is toward strength. Strength has boundaries. Boundaries are enforced. Enforcement takes strength. In mathematics that's called the transitive property (I always enjoy throwing in a good math reference.) It may involve letting some people down, but 'no' is becoming part of my vocabulary. I've already thrown it out there a couple times. Good opportunities to make a difference. But they weren't the best thing for me, not what God is drawing me toward.
The end result of this is that I'll be even more effective. Soaring with my strengths. Doing the things I am made for in the quantities that I'm made for. Saying 'no' is a challenge. But it is freeing not being tied to people's expectations.
But what made things even worse is that I was good at what I was doing. My relational style of leadership is good at building people up and getting the most out of them. My organizational skills and vision are at least above average. My capacity to formulate a plan, get people on board and get things done is high. Just sayin'. Sometimes I feel like I focus so much on my failings in this blog, it feels good to finally point out a positive.
Problem was: this positive was both a blessing and a curse. Effectiveness leads to more affirmation and thus more opportunity. Not wanting to let anyone down led to more 'yes' answers when presented with opportunity. It was a cycle. Fueled by pride. With no one looking out for me, and me not looking out for myself, I was gradually became overwhelmed. Sometimes unable to face my list for the day because there was so much on it. Meeting on top of meeting. Training, recruiting, and encouraging leaders. Counseling. Teaching. Visiting. Little time for reflecting, planning or evaluating. Certainly not for meditating or praying.
At the root, though, was not a desire to glorify God. The unspoken desire of my heart was to glorify myself. Seeking the affirmation I desire. Validation for who I was; my calling and my relationship with God. I couldn't say no; I wanted things to rely on me - and for the most part I got my wish.
Everyone has a limited capacity. Whether or not you train leaders to carry forth your vision, there is only so much time for that as well. So rather than doing anything great, I was doing a lot of things well. (Another nefarious strategy of mine was to call other churches. Partly out of a desire to learn, but also partly to gloat about how much better I was doing than they were. Uplifting stuff.) Comparison with others was a main method of evaluation, rather than looking at my gift set, potential or calling.
Brokenness will change your pride. Losing (or giving away) everything will change your outlook. As I begin to answer the rumblings of ministry again - The Calling - I'm more focused. What do I say yes to and what no? What tasks or opportunities would benefit from my skill and gift set and what could anyone else do? Decision making 101 - focus on what to say yes or no to. My identity is not dependent on my performance, it is rooted in Christ.
I don't want my family short-changed. They deserve the best of me, not what is left over. Particularly my wife. Previously I was able to rationalize starving her of my attention because I wasn't getting what I needed. Regardless of my needs, my God given responsibility is to my relationship with her. Other-centered love rather than self-centered. Sounds like another blog topic.
I don't want my ministry short-changed. God has uniquely gifted me. (How many people-oriented, pastoral, mathematicians do you know?) Saying yes to everything non-discriminantly, no matter how good, may cause me to miss out on the main thing(s) God has for me.
Anything that comes my way will have to pass through this new filter. Even more, my wife is included in the decision making/prayer process; gathering her perspective on the drain to my time of any new opportunity. I've always wanted her to have part ownership of my ministry and this is one way that will happen. This is about both of us and I don't want her to again resent my job as she would a mistress. For me it is a calling, the 'job' is part of me. Her encouragement and support is necessary; I've done ministry having to fight against her opposition. Balance.
As I've said before, my journey is toward strength. Strength has boundaries. Boundaries are enforced. Enforcement takes strength. In mathematics that's called the transitive property (I always enjoy throwing in a good math reference.) It may involve letting some people down, but 'no' is becoming part of my vocabulary. I've already thrown it out there a couple times. Good opportunities to make a difference. But they weren't the best thing for me, not what God is drawing me toward.
The end result of this is that I'll be even more effective. Soaring with my strengths. Doing the things I am made for in the quantities that I'm made for. Saying 'no' is a challenge. But it is freeing not being tied to people's expectations.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Father's Day
Soon after I returned to the wife of my youth (as the Proverbs recommend), my daughter, wife and I ended up at Wet 'n' Wild. My daughter and I love water parks and could stay until we were both pruned beyond recognition. On the other hand, my wife tolerates them and would much rather lay in the chair sunning herself. Since this was one of our first family days since my return, she was choosing to tough it out. Thanks, mamacita, for taking one for the team!!!
Anyway, picture the three of us together in a family raft, all facing each other and about to go down a long and steep water slide. As the nice lifeguard let us drift to the edge, my daughter looks me dead in the eyes and screams "THIS IS THE BEST FAMILY EVER!" Admittedly her sample size for that statement is statistically small, but it was amazing to me that she would even say that. I actually cried on the way down the slide, which is a great time for a grown man to publicly shed tears - while getting splashed in the face going down a water slide.
It really does give you insight as to why Christ said we should have a childlike faith. After the three month stretch she had been put through by me and my selfish actions, my daughter was so happy that I was home and that our family was restored that she wanted to yell (and she takes after me in being very, very loud) for the entire ride line to hear. Instant forgiveness. Love without question. A wiping clean of the slate. I'm aware that there are probably some trust issues deep down that in time will need help; she may have to live with them in her own marriage. We'll confront those as they pop up, if they do become a reality. But for now I get to delight in my daughter's love. I'm daddy. Thank God I didn't destroy that.
To be totally upfront with you, I don't feel like dad of the year and I've been really dreading Father's Day. How can I be celebrated? It was the same way on my birthday last October; I just wanted to the day to pass unnoticed and unmentioned. Maybe next year we could remember the day, but not this year. Much like my birthday, though, the choice is not mine. You don't get to choose if or when you get to be celebrated, I guess. Some people choose to ignore the question of whether you deserve it or not and do it anyway.
At my birthday it was my mom-in-law. She and her husband have always been super generous with us and literally expect nothing in return. They drove way out of their way and gave up some vacation time to come and take me to dinner on my birthday. Gave me a nice gift too. And generally treated me not like the butt-ugly person I felt like, but as the returned, repentant prodigal husband that they were choosing to forgive. Saying thanks is a true understatement of the value of their actions.
Father's Day is coming up. Like I said, kinda wishing it could go by quietly. Again, not up to me. Apparently my daughter is so excited that she couldn't wait until the 20th, so the digits were reversed and we are celebrating on the 02nd. Tomorrow. A couple weeks ago I was told to plan nothing for tomorrow for my Father's Day celebration was going to be an all day affair.
Of course my daughter, who is 9, could not make her plans reality without the help of my wife. While she is not as far along as my daughter at wiping the slate clean, to me it is saying something about her desire to eventually get to that point that she can enthusiastically help my daughter create an environment to celebrate me being her dad.
I have no idea what is in store. Maybe we'll go to a water park. (My poor wife.) It's not what we do that I care about at all. What I do know is that the day is totally my daughter's idea. I still don't think I am worthy of celebrating, but I am very excited about tomorrow. It's a reminder of restoration and forgiveness. Like God giving me a first and second chance that I didn't deserve, my daughter has held nothing against me. That is a very real, powerful and humbling example of forgiveness. No wonder Jesus told us to have the faith of one of these.
Anyway, picture the three of us together in a family raft, all facing each other and about to go down a long and steep water slide. As the nice lifeguard let us drift to the edge, my daughter looks me dead in the eyes and screams "THIS IS THE BEST FAMILY EVER!" Admittedly her sample size for that statement is statistically small, but it was amazing to me that she would even say that. I actually cried on the way down the slide, which is a great time for a grown man to publicly shed tears - while getting splashed in the face going down a water slide.
It really does give you insight as to why Christ said we should have a childlike faith. After the three month stretch she had been put through by me and my selfish actions, my daughter was so happy that I was home and that our family was restored that she wanted to yell (and she takes after me in being very, very loud) for the entire ride line to hear. Instant forgiveness. Love without question. A wiping clean of the slate. I'm aware that there are probably some trust issues deep down that in time will need help; she may have to live with them in her own marriage. We'll confront those as they pop up, if they do become a reality. But for now I get to delight in my daughter's love. I'm daddy. Thank God I didn't destroy that.
To be totally upfront with you, I don't feel like dad of the year and I've been really dreading Father's Day. How can I be celebrated? It was the same way on my birthday last October; I just wanted to the day to pass unnoticed and unmentioned. Maybe next year we could remember the day, but not this year. Much like my birthday, though, the choice is not mine. You don't get to choose if or when you get to be celebrated, I guess. Some people choose to ignore the question of whether you deserve it or not and do it anyway.
At my birthday it was my mom-in-law. She and her husband have always been super generous with us and literally expect nothing in return. They drove way out of their way and gave up some vacation time to come and take me to dinner on my birthday. Gave me a nice gift too. And generally treated me not like the butt-ugly person I felt like, but as the returned, repentant prodigal husband that they were choosing to forgive. Saying thanks is a true understatement of the value of their actions.
Father's Day is coming up. Like I said, kinda wishing it could go by quietly. Again, not up to me. Apparently my daughter is so excited that she couldn't wait until the 20th, so the digits were reversed and we are celebrating on the 02nd. Tomorrow. A couple weeks ago I was told to plan nothing for tomorrow for my Father's Day celebration was going to be an all day affair.
Of course my daughter, who is 9, could not make her plans reality without the help of my wife. While she is not as far along as my daughter at wiping the slate clean, to me it is saying something about her desire to eventually get to that point that she can enthusiastically help my daughter create an environment to celebrate me being her dad.
I have no idea what is in store. Maybe we'll go to a water park. (My poor wife.) It's not what we do that I care about at all. What I do know is that the day is totally my daughter's idea. I still don't think I am worthy of celebrating, but I am very excited about tomorrow. It's a reminder of restoration and forgiveness. Like God giving me a first and second chance that I didn't deserve, my daughter has held nothing against me. That is a very real, powerful and humbling example of forgiveness. No wonder Jesus told us to have the faith of one of these.
Monday, May 10, 2010
It Takes Love to Make Love
I was just out walking around the workplace which is fairly typical because I have a hard time sitting still. (During meetings I have to concentrate on not moving my knees or tapping my feet.) One of the secretaries is reading a very popular marriage book that started a conversation between us. In the world of marriage improvement books, there seems to be two broad categories of which this book fell into what I will cleverly call 'category 1' - books that recommend if you are having some marriage struggles, the best thing you can do is meet your spouses needs. Then they will feel loved and hence begin to meet your needs and you will feel loved. Problem solved and it's only page 4!
Well, yes and no. It is definitely not a bad thing to be aware of your spouse's needs. And there is some practical truth to the principle of if you treat others well, they will be more likely to treat you well. A key point that I think 'category 1' books miss is motive. Why are you trying to meet your spouse's needs? If you are meeting needs in order to get a desired response, that boils down to some glorified selfishness. Concern is not really for the spouse's needs nor for the health of the marriage, but only for how you feel.
Sadly 'category 1' marriage books seem to be most generally popular. One reason is probably because they are like a sitcom, and everything is wrapped up and well defined by the end of the book - solutions to your relationship problems in 150 pages or less. Another is desperation, trying anything that claims to work - making the pain go away, (but maybe God wants go to feel the pain). A third is this advice puts you in control of the situation - being your own god.
It is hard to follow the blueprint of these books for very long. Even harder is looking at someone you are counseling, who has been living in a love desert for years, and telling them that the solution is to potentially humiliate themselves for the benefit of someone else who in all truthfulness is probably acting very selfishly also. That is, it is hard if you do not address motive. 'Category 1' books put the cart before the horse.
We could summarize the issue with the following logic statement "If you want to feel loved in your marriage, then you must strive to meet your spouse's needs." But what foolishness. That presupposes that the highest calling in marriage is to have our needs met. And what happens when when your spouse doesn't turn it around? If your behavior is predicated upon getting an expected reaction, then what happens when you don't get what you want? More frustration, more anger and ultimately more distance.
I know because I fell into the trap. Ultimately, my goal was to change my spouse's behavior not to address what was going on in our marriage. Ironically, this is not what I counseled those who came into my office for advice. It is so funny how God is able to use someone as broken as me while I remained blind to what was going on. When someone would come in to talk about their marriage, there was really only one focus that was possible - what was their relationship with God like, because everything flows out of that. If their spouse was unable to love them, I would use that as a teaching point to remind them that we need to connect with God and let him love us.
I'm not sure why that advice was good for others, but not for me. Well, actually I am sure, I was in a weird catch 21, I knew God loved me if things were going well, so to connect with God I needed things to go well, and onward the spiral would go. One of the laughable things about my situation was how good at pastoral care I was. At my worst moment people would ask of me the simple question "What would you tell someone doing the exact same thing as you?" Good grief. Hard to get out of that one; that's another blog.
What is it that many of these popular marriage books miss? Motive. What is the motive of our lives. Is it to be happy (a la following expectations of Jesus rather than Jesus)? Or is it to be a faithful minister of reconciliation? I want the latter to be true of me in my relationship. My wife is not a means to an end. Nor is she a problem to be fixed. She is someone to be loved. An opportunity, given by God, to minister in the name of Jesus.
To do that well, my motive must be addressed. So, in order to reflect a biblical motivation, the previous conditional statement needs to be changed to "If you want to feel loved in your marriage, then you must let God love you." Security comes from experiencing the love of God. He does love us, and demonstrated that through Jesus, and He wants us to live in that knowledge everyday and through everything this world throws at us.
For me, this was the underlying problem. God's love wasn't a reality for me. I knew about it. I could explain it and help others understand it. But I wasn't experiencing it. This wasn't always my experience. But for a variety of reasons, during my season of duress I retreated to a place of comfort. Love as performance and affirmation. That too will be subject of another blog; that'll hopefully keep you coming back for more.
How do you let God love you? Great question, and I think the answer varies somewhat depending upon the individual. For me, it starts with connecting - praying, studying, reading. But not as items to be crossed off a list. Embracing who God made me, rather than who I think He expects me to be. Extending grace to myself when I 'fail' by not living up to my own expectations. Looking for things to be grateful for. Being very intentional about telling myself how I know I can trust God; not letting my trust be dictated by my circumstance (bad or good). Just continuing to tell my story to myself and others. All of these are components of embracing God's love for me.
Among the fruit of experiencing the love of God in my life is that my love for people has returned. I'm not so cynical or hardened. As I walk around campus, I am looking for ways to make a difference in student's and coworker's lives. Not so that I can receive, but so they can know God loves them.
Most importantly, this is changing my marriage. In my wife I see God's gift of ministry. My love for her is coming not from having m needs met through her (although I won't complain!) but from the limitless love that I am enjoying from my savior. Is this easy? No, no, no, and no. I still have moments, but I am more and more able to walk through those moments and process them healthily. I am better able to love my wife, not because of her behavior, but because I am feeling God's love for me. From that comfort and absence of fear, I am able to more selflessly love my wife.
This is the theme of most 'category 2' marriage books. Love for our spouses coming not from what they do for us, but from who we are in Christ. That is a difference I was able to share with the secretary earlier today. From there our conversation turned to how she can overcome her guilt at falling away and turn back to walking with Christ again. I guess there was a reason God gave me restless legs today.
Well, yes and no. It is definitely not a bad thing to be aware of your spouse's needs. And there is some practical truth to the principle of if you treat others well, they will be more likely to treat you well. A key point that I think 'category 1' books miss is motive. Why are you trying to meet your spouse's needs? If you are meeting needs in order to get a desired response, that boils down to some glorified selfishness. Concern is not really for the spouse's needs nor for the health of the marriage, but only for how you feel.
Sadly 'category 1' marriage books seem to be most generally popular. One reason is probably because they are like a sitcom, and everything is wrapped up and well defined by the end of the book - solutions to your relationship problems in 150 pages or less. Another is desperation, trying anything that claims to work - making the pain go away, (but maybe God wants go to feel the pain). A third is this advice puts you in control of the situation - being your own god.
It is hard to follow the blueprint of these books for very long. Even harder is looking at someone you are counseling, who has been living in a love desert for years, and telling them that the solution is to potentially humiliate themselves for the benefit of someone else who in all truthfulness is probably acting very selfishly also. That is, it is hard if you do not address motive. 'Category 1' books put the cart before the horse.
We could summarize the issue with the following logic statement "If you want to feel loved in your marriage, then you must strive to meet your spouse's needs." But what foolishness. That presupposes that the highest calling in marriage is to have our needs met. And what happens when when your spouse doesn't turn it around? If your behavior is predicated upon getting an expected reaction, then what happens when you don't get what you want? More frustration, more anger and ultimately more distance.
I know because I fell into the trap. Ultimately, my goal was to change my spouse's behavior not to address what was going on in our marriage. Ironically, this is not what I counseled those who came into my office for advice. It is so funny how God is able to use someone as broken as me while I remained blind to what was going on. When someone would come in to talk about their marriage, there was really only one focus that was possible - what was their relationship with God like, because everything flows out of that. If their spouse was unable to love them, I would use that as a teaching point to remind them that we need to connect with God and let him love us.
I'm not sure why that advice was good for others, but not for me. Well, actually I am sure, I was in a weird catch 21, I knew God loved me if things were going well, so to connect with God I needed things to go well, and onward the spiral would go. One of the laughable things about my situation was how good at pastoral care I was. At my worst moment people would ask of me the simple question "What would you tell someone doing the exact same thing as you?" Good grief. Hard to get out of that one; that's another blog.
What is it that many of these popular marriage books miss? Motive. What is the motive of our lives. Is it to be happy (a la following expectations of Jesus rather than Jesus)? Or is it to be a faithful minister of reconciliation? I want the latter to be true of me in my relationship. My wife is not a means to an end. Nor is she a problem to be fixed. She is someone to be loved. An opportunity, given by God, to minister in the name of Jesus.
To do that well, my motive must be addressed. So, in order to reflect a biblical motivation, the previous conditional statement needs to be changed to "If you want to feel loved in your marriage, then you must let God love you." Security comes from experiencing the love of God. He does love us, and demonstrated that through Jesus, and He wants us to live in that knowledge everyday and through everything this world throws at us.
For me, this was the underlying problem. God's love wasn't a reality for me. I knew about it. I could explain it and help others understand it. But I wasn't experiencing it. This wasn't always my experience. But for a variety of reasons, during my season of duress I retreated to a place of comfort. Love as performance and affirmation. That too will be subject of another blog; that'll hopefully keep you coming back for more.
How do you let God love you? Great question, and I think the answer varies somewhat depending upon the individual. For me, it starts with connecting - praying, studying, reading. But not as items to be crossed off a list. Embracing who God made me, rather than who I think He expects me to be. Extending grace to myself when I 'fail' by not living up to my own expectations. Looking for things to be grateful for. Being very intentional about telling myself how I know I can trust God; not letting my trust be dictated by my circumstance (bad or good). Just continuing to tell my story to myself and others. All of these are components of embracing God's love for me.
Among the fruit of experiencing the love of God in my life is that my love for people has returned. I'm not so cynical or hardened. As I walk around campus, I am looking for ways to make a difference in student's and coworker's lives. Not so that I can receive, but so they can know God loves them.
Most importantly, this is changing my marriage. In my wife I see God's gift of ministry. My love for her is coming not from having m needs met through her (although I won't complain!) but from the limitless love that I am enjoying from my savior. Is this easy? No, no, no, and no. I still have moments, but I am more and more able to walk through those moments and process them healthily. I am better able to love my wife, not because of her behavior, but because I am feeling God's love for me. From that comfort and absence of fear, I am able to more selflessly love my wife.
This is the theme of most 'category 2' marriage books. Love for our spouses coming not from what they do for us, but from who we are in Christ. That is a difference I was able to share with the secretary earlier today. From there our conversation turned to how she can overcome her guilt at falling away and turn back to walking with Christ again. I guess there was a reason God gave me restless legs today.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
You Just Have to Remove Three Screws
One of the evidences that I am getting older is that a number of "in my day" and "remember when" stories have started to creep into my arsenal. This occurred to me yesterday as I was trying to process the events of my late afternoon.
Remember when washing machines were fairly simple? A cylinder that was filled with water spun lazily one way then another and when the water was ready to be emptied the cylinder spun really, really fast to utilize marvelous centrifugal force to get the water out the drain. Pretty straight forward stuff. We had one of those for 12 years and I got to the point that I could diagnose and fix basic mechanical problems like a worn out clutch element.
Someone in the washing machine biz must have realized that this was a problem and billions of dollars in repair bills were being lost, so someone, somewhere in Japan invented the front loading washing machine. We have one. I'll admit, it has more buttons than my laptop, so as a guy I am immediately attracted to this device. Only problem is that it takes a PhD in mechanical engineering to fix - or so I've learned. Now to get the water out there is a complex pump at the bottom of the machine that spits the water against gravity to that drain they put halfway up the wall in all of our houses. Almost like gravity was a challenge to overcome rather than a helpful tool.
To give you a little context, the reason that we have a front loading washing machine is that my wife has OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder. It is a condition that she has developed as a way to order her world; providing comfort and control as a response to relational distress and chaos. OCD can take on many forms but for my wife it is particularly evident in the area of cleanliness and laundry. Before the crisis event in our lives last year, we used to joke about her neatness and laundry habit. Actually, by joking I mean that I deferred my super frustration with how much this meant to her by making jokes. Trying to appear like it didn't matter. Wearing a mask. Yet, inside I was lonely and not understanding why I was last on the list of priorities.
One of the pieces of good that God was able to work in the past year was getting my wife's attention that there was a lot of stuff in her past that she'd not worked through or even addressed and compulsions like the laundry were her way of putting a safe distance between us and also between her and God. She didn't know that. I didn't know that. Problem was that ignorance was not bliss, and my resulting behavior because of my loneliness, rejection and feeling disrespected caused me to play right into her insecurities. Vicious cycle. More of my failings in this area are sure to burst forth in future blogs.
While I now understand what is going on in my wife, that doesn't always make it any easier to respond to. For me that takes constant self talk and thinking through situations in a way that, right now, is unnatural for me. God made me good at relating to people in general, yet this is a stretch. Worth it in every way. Showing my love for her and being other-centered means that I need to make every effort to understand the trial of her world. Because this is still a process that I have to think through in each moment, times of stress become exceptionally hard.
So, I am still processing what I will call the front loading washing machine incident. (Not a catchy title, but effective.) Two days ago the machine stopped running, flashed an error message (told you it was cool!) and locked the front door. Good thing none of us had crawled in there, it self-locked when there was a problem much like the computer HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Thankfully we had purchased the warranty and a repairman would be out the next day. For my wife, here is where the stress starts. A repairman....in the laundry room....is he a smoker?....will he take off his shoes....is he sick?....and many, many more troublesome thoughts. None is this is meant to mock her, this is very real stress. So far, I have done good. Listened with eye contact. Comforted when necessary. Assured that when she wipes the machines down they will be clean again. Probably not a perfect job by me, but it was genuine and I'm improving. She needs to know that I love her no matter what; that she can be secure in my love regardless of whether or not this is how I would choose to react.
Repairman comes while I am visiting a friend in Orlando. Success. New pump. He is a non-smoker. Kept his tools very clean. Picked up. She was happy. I was relieved and hoping that I had built up a little trust in this mini-crisis. To celebrate I listen to the Bellamy Brothers' "Let Your Love Flow" real loud three times in a row on my drive home. Home is where chaos ensues.
Disaster. The new pump leaks. There is water on the floor. Repairman will not come back until approved by the warranty people. But hope flows in from the internet and I'm greeted at the door by "Scott, you just have to remove three screws and we can see what the problem is!" My wife is so beautiful and my heart was warmed that she thought I could do this that I actually checked out the website and said to myself "it is just three screws" and I agreed. Pride strikes again.
Every husband just wants the respect of his wife. This has been a long standing struggle in our marriage. Feeling inadequate sucks and happens to be one of my three fears as a man (in this I'm not unique.) So I squeeze into the laundry room - room being a term I use loosely. Big man in a small space! As I lose feeling in my legs I spy the three screws. But wait, there are a bunch of pipes here as well. No problem to remove those, right? Wrong. Water, water everywhere. With no pump, gravity takes over. I really should have known this. The gush of water and me with a coffee cup trying to catch it all. I am losing. To make matters worse, I gashed the top of my hand directly into a vein. Water everywhere and I am bleeding like a garden hose with a hole in it.
Now all I can hear is my wife hyperventilating. Poor woman. Blood on the washer and dryer. Water soaking into the flooring that now needs to be replaced. Dirty, wet towels everywhere. Nothing will make you feel less adequate that knowing you did this and now your wife is literally hyperventilating because of it. Self talk is now gone and I am reacting out of my hurt. She says "all this mess in my laundry room" and I say "I'm doing the best I can" and on and on and on. It was really much worse a scene that I'm describing, but I am way, way long here.
Her OCD is hard for me to understand. I do understand what it is and why it is there. But I don't necessarily "get" it. It is not a choice for her. Hopefully it will diminish as she works through her issues with God, with me, and some others, but it may not. Either way, what IS a choice is my reaction. My pride was hurt and in that moment I became self-centered. I wanted her to think of me and affirm me. Back to my old patterns and I reacted out of my hurt. Rather than offering compassion and security I probably made her feel like she was defective and a bother. Someone who can only be loved if she performs well or doesn't trouble me. I used to do that a lot. When my expectations weren't met (and they rarely were) I became needy. Reacting out of my hurt. Only offering love when I felt like I got what I needed.
My motivation was not love for my wife, but rather love for myself.
As I've processed the events of yesterday, I do see that stress was the key factor. Because of the added stress of the moment I reverted back. It has felt good to be free of that old behavior, but yesterday was a reminder that it takes constant work. Loving my wife well must become a second nature and that takes time. I am learning, but slowly. Another bit of learning that I've internalized - God doesn't love me less for my failures as a husband (or as a repairman), in fact I think He is pleased with what I'm learning and in becoming the man He designed me to be. It's a process, part of working out my salvation.
Oh, also learned that next time I will wait for the repairman.
Remember when washing machines were fairly simple? A cylinder that was filled with water spun lazily one way then another and when the water was ready to be emptied the cylinder spun really, really fast to utilize marvelous centrifugal force to get the water out the drain. Pretty straight forward stuff. We had one of those for 12 years and I got to the point that I could diagnose and fix basic mechanical problems like a worn out clutch element.
Someone in the washing machine biz must have realized that this was a problem and billions of dollars in repair bills were being lost, so someone, somewhere in Japan invented the front loading washing machine. We have one. I'll admit, it has more buttons than my laptop, so as a guy I am immediately attracted to this device. Only problem is that it takes a PhD in mechanical engineering to fix - or so I've learned. Now to get the water out there is a complex pump at the bottom of the machine that spits the water against gravity to that drain they put halfway up the wall in all of our houses. Almost like gravity was a challenge to overcome rather than a helpful tool.
To give you a little context, the reason that we have a front loading washing machine is that my wife has OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder. It is a condition that she has developed as a way to order her world; providing comfort and control as a response to relational distress and chaos. OCD can take on many forms but for my wife it is particularly evident in the area of cleanliness and laundry. Before the crisis event in our lives last year, we used to joke about her neatness and laundry habit. Actually, by joking I mean that I deferred my super frustration with how much this meant to her by making jokes. Trying to appear like it didn't matter. Wearing a mask. Yet, inside I was lonely and not understanding why I was last on the list of priorities.
One of the pieces of good that God was able to work in the past year was getting my wife's attention that there was a lot of stuff in her past that she'd not worked through or even addressed and compulsions like the laundry were her way of putting a safe distance between us and also between her and God. She didn't know that. I didn't know that. Problem was that ignorance was not bliss, and my resulting behavior because of my loneliness, rejection and feeling disrespected caused me to play right into her insecurities. Vicious cycle. More of my failings in this area are sure to burst forth in future blogs.
While I now understand what is going on in my wife, that doesn't always make it any easier to respond to. For me that takes constant self talk and thinking through situations in a way that, right now, is unnatural for me. God made me good at relating to people in general, yet this is a stretch. Worth it in every way. Showing my love for her and being other-centered means that I need to make every effort to understand the trial of her world. Because this is still a process that I have to think through in each moment, times of stress become exceptionally hard.
So, I am still processing what I will call the front loading washing machine incident. (Not a catchy title, but effective.) Two days ago the machine stopped running, flashed an error message (told you it was cool!) and locked the front door. Good thing none of us had crawled in there, it self-locked when there was a problem much like the computer HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Thankfully we had purchased the warranty and a repairman would be out the next day. For my wife, here is where the stress starts. A repairman....in the laundry room....is he a smoker?....will he take off his shoes....is he sick?....and many, many more troublesome thoughts. None is this is meant to mock her, this is very real stress. So far, I have done good. Listened with eye contact. Comforted when necessary. Assured that when she wipes the machines down they will be clean again. Probably not a perfect job by me, but it was genuine and I'm improving. She needs to know that I love her no matter what; that she can be secure in my love regardless of whether or not this is how I would choose to react.
Repairman comes while I am visiting a friend in Orlando. Success. New pump. He is a non-smoker. Kept his tools very clean. Picked up. She was happy. I was relieved and hoping that I had built up a little trust in this mini-crisis. To celebrate I listen to the Bellamy Brothers' "Let Your Love Flow" real loud three times in a row on my drive home. Home is where chaos ensues.
Disaster. The new pump leaks. There is water on the floor. Repairman will not come back until approved by the warranty people. But hope flows in from the internet and I'm greeted at the door by "Scott, you just have to remove three screws and we can see what the problem is!" My wife is so beautiful and my heart was warmed that she thought I could do this that I actually checked out the website and said to myself "it is just three screws" and I agreed. Pride strikes again.
Every husband just wants the respect of his wife. This has been a long standing struggle in our marriage. Feeling inadequate sucks and happens to be one of my three fears as a man (in this I'm not unique.) So I squeeze into the laundry room - room being a term I use loosely. Big man in a small space! As I lose feeling in my legs I spy the three screws. But wait, there are a bunch of pipes here as well. No problem to remove those, right? Wrong. Water, water everywhere. With no pump, gravity takes over. I really should have known this. The gush of water and me with a coffee cup trying to catch it all. I am losing. To make matters worse, I gashed the top of my hand directly into a vein. Water everywhere and I am bleeding like a garden hose with a hole in it.
Now all I can hear is my wife hyperventilating. Poor woman. Blood on the washer and dryer. Water soaking into the flooring that now needs to be replaced. Dirty, wet towels everywhere. Nothing will make you feel less adequate that knowing you did this and now your wife is literally hyperventilating because of it. Self talk is now gone and I am reacting out of my hurt. She says "all this mess in my laundry room" and I say "I'm doing the best I can" and on and on and on. It was really much worse a scene that I'm describing, but I am way, way long here.
Her OCD is hard for me to understand. I do understand what it is and why it is there. But I don't necessarily "get" it. It is not a choice for her. Hopefully it will diminish as she works through her issues with God, with me, and some others, but it may not. Either way, what IS a choice is my reaction. My pride was hurt and in that moment I became self-centered. I wanted her to think of me and affirm me. Back to my old patterns and I reacted out of my hurt. Rather than offering compassion and security I probably made her feel like she was defective and a bother. Someone who can only be loved if she performs well or doesn't trouble me. I used to do that a lot. When my expectations weren't met (and they rarely were) I became needy. Reacting out of my hurt. Only offering love when I felt like I got what I needed.
My motivation was not love for my wife, but rather love for myself.
As I've processed the events of yesterday, I do see that stress was the key factor. Because of the added stress of the moment I reverted back. It has felt good to be free of that old behavior, but yesterday was a reminder that it takes constant work. Loving my wife well must become a second nature and that takes time. I am learning, but slowly. Another bit of learning that I've internalized - God doesn't love me less for my failures as a husband (or as a repairman), in fact I think He is pleased with what I'm learning and in becoming the man He designed me to be. It's a process, part of working out my salvation.
Oh, also learned that next time I will wait for the repairman.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The Moment
With one notable exception, I have maintained good boundaries with women. Going back to my time as a college math instructor before pastoring, I would never have a female student in my office with the door closed. If I was in a home as a hired tutor and the student was a girl, I would insist someone else be in the room with us. I didn't want anything left to chance.
As a pastor, I further developed these boundaries. If I had an off campus meeting with a leader that was a woman, there was always three of us. On one occasion, my women's ministry director happened to also work at the church and we were going to meet someone off campus for a lunch meeting. To her chagrin and befuddlement, I insisted that we drive separately. For another off campus meeting, the third person called while I was standing in the restaurant to say she couldn't attend. In that case, before I sat I called the husband of the other leader to make sure he knew where we were, what we were doing, and if that was OK. I wanted to avoid the appearance of evil.
Understandably, all it takes is one failing in this area for all trust to dissolve and perceptions to change.
The lady who cut my hair told me she was uncomfortable being around me. That was the new perception. Several months before that when she began trying to cross boundaries with me, I called her husband and told him he needed to talk with his wife. Turns out she was having multiple affairs. Their marriage was saved.
One of my key leaders of our recovery ministry told me she was uncomfortable talking to me anymore because she felt like she could be the next woman I went after. Before that this woman considered me her big brother.
Perceptions change. Yet, the truth of the matter was that I didn't let the former woman cross any boundaries with me and it never crossed my mind to 'go after' the latter. My mind was always prepared for someone to overtly approach me, either physically or with their conversation, and I had my way out planned.
While my boundaries were pretty good, everything was not perfect. I became pretty indiscriminant with my phone number. With both men and women. Rather than it being reserved for leaders and people my wife knew of, I wrote it down for lots of people in need. Facebook became a nightmare. Logging on would start and avalanche of people seeking teaching, pastoral care and counsel. I've been pretty upfront about my desire for approval and affirmation. If you've read other blogs, you know my pride.
I wanted to be the hero. To solve people's problems. Have them grateful.
While I was hoping for and was prepared for gratitude. What I was not prepared for was to actually become someone's hero. To be overtly respected and admired. To be sought out and listened to. To be affirmed and have someone pursue knowing me in return.
For many pastors, this would not have been a problem. They could have shaken this off like I did the woman who wanted to complain to me about her husband. But for me, these were the things missing in my own marriage. My God given desire was to receive this attention from my wife. I was experiencing an extended drought of respect and attention from my wife, and this substitute, while not the real thing, felt good. Without a proper relationship with God to provide balance, this was the foothold that I gave Satan in my life.
My pride told me "you can manage this, you can be married and have a close friendship with another woman, this actually helps you take the pressure off your wife". That's self-justification in action.
The truth of it is, the more I let myself receive this attention and the closer we got, the more I wanted of it. One boundary fell after another. Right or wrong, my perception was that I had no one else to talk to. I opened up to her. That was the moment for me that I knew things were not right. That was supposed to be the boundary you never cross. Phone calls, chats, visits just to hang out. The foothold was not physical, yet the emotional bond got stronger and stronger.
Eventually the grass seemed greener. Forget my wife. Forget building perseverance, leading to character, pointing to hope. How could God play this cruel joke on me and let me meet this person while married? As I have said before, I was drunk on my sin and I began making the decisions that drunk people make. That tatoo makes sense the night before when you are drunk.
It took God to sober me up. That was the miracle of a God who never left me, never condoned what I was doing, and waited patiently for me to recognize my folly and get my head out of the mud. I think my next blog will be on the miracle.
The pertinent question is: Why will this not happen again? What is different now? Good question.
The short answer is that I am not the same person. My relationship with God is changed, not because He is different, but because I am new. My marriage is different because I am not the same (and my wife too, of course, but we're talking about me here). I trust God. I recognize that it is not my performance the He is interested in. I am experiencing brokenness. My love for my wife is other-centered, not based on what she can do for me. I am learning to communicate out of strength rather than neediness. All my fears are on the table and I am every day operating less out of avoidance of them. My affirmation is from God.
As a practical example, at the college in which I am now an instructor, according to my monthly evaluations I am experiencing statistically improbable success. Especially for a math teacher, among the most hated, student and administration response to me has been unlike any other time I've taught. In the past I pined for good evaluations. Read through them and based my image of myself on what was said. I obsessed on the bad - how could they say that about me??? - and took pride in the good. Now I chuckle at my evaluations and forward them to my wife so she can too. The success I'm getting here is from God, I am utterly convinced. I take it as Him considering me ready.
God has restored my love for people. Not a love of what is in it for me. Just a love because He loves them. I've counseled students spiritually. It is no longer in my mind to be their hero. There are other examples that I see in myself. There are other reasons that this won't happen again. But I hope you get the picture. It's not external. It's not because my marriage is now perfect. It's not because my job is fulfilling or that I have an abundance of close friendships.
God has changed me.
Thanks for reading.
As a pastor, I further developed these boundaries. If I had an off campus meeting with a leader that was a woman, there was always three of us. On one occasion, my women's ministry director happened to also work at the church and we were going to meet someone off campus for a lunch meeting. To her chagrin and befuddlement, I insisted that we drive separately. For another off campus meeting, the third person called while I was standing in the restaurant to say she couldn't attend. In that case, before I sat I called the husband of the other leader to make sure he knew where we were, what we were doing, and if that was OK. I wanted to avoid the appearance of evil.
Understandably, all it takes is one failing in this area for all trust to dissolve and perceptions to change.
The lady who cut my hair told me she was uncomfortable being around me. That was the new perception. Several months before that when she began trying to cross boundaries with me, I called her husband and told him he needed to talk with his wife. Turns out she was having multiple affairs. Their marriage was saved.
One of my key leaders of our recovery ministry told me she was uncomfortable talking to me anymore because she felt like she could be the next woman I went after. Before that this woman considered me her big brother.
Perceptions change. Yet, the truth of the matter was that I didn't let the former woman cross any boundaries with me and it never crossed my mind to 'go after' the latter. My mind was always prepared for someone to overtly approach me, either physically or with their conversation, and I had my way out planned.
While my boundaries were pretty good, everything was not perfect. I became pretty indiscriminant with my phone number. With both men and women. Rather than it being reserved for leaders and people my wife knew of, I wrote it down for lots of people in need. Facebook became a nightmare. Logging on would start and avalanche of people seeking teaching, pastoral care and counsel. I've been pretty upfront about my desire for approval and affirmation. If you've read other blogs, you know my pride.
I wanted to be the hero. To solve people's problems. Have them grateful.
While I was hoping for and was prepared for gratitude. What I was not prepared for was to actually become someone's hero. To be overtly respected and admired. To be sought out and listened to. To be affirmed and have someone pursue knowing me in return.
For many pastors, this would not have been a problem. They could have shaken this off like I did the woman who wanted to complain to me about her husband. But for me, these were the things missing in my own marriage. My God given desire was to receive this attention from my wife. I was experiencing an extended drought of respect and attention from my wife, and this substitute, while not the real thing, felt good. Without a proper relationship with God to provide balance, this was the foothold that I gave Satan in my life.
My pride told me "you can manage this, you can be married and have a close friendship with another woman, this actually helps you take the pressure off your wife". That's self-justification in action.
The truth of it is, the more I let myself receive this attention and the closer we got, the more I wanted of it. One boundary fell after another. Right or wrong, my perception was that I had no one else to talk to. I opened up to her. That was the moment for me that I knew things were not right. That was supposed to be the boundary you never cross. Phone calls, chats, visits just to hang out. The foothold was not physical, yet the emotional bond got stronger and stronger.
Eventually the grass seemed greener. Forget my wife. Forget building perseverance, leading to character, pointing to hope. How could God play this cruel joke on me and let me meet this person while married? As I have said before, I was drunk on my sin and I began making the decisions that drunk people make. That tatoo makes sense the night before when you are drunk.
It took God to sober me up. That was the miracle of a God who never left me, never condoned what I was doing, and waited patiently for me to recognize my folly and get my head out of the mud. I think my next blog will be on the miracle.
The pertinent question is: Why will this not happen again? What is different now? Good question.
The short answer is that I am not the same person. My relationship with God is changed, not because He is different, but because I am new. My marriage is different because I am not the same (and my wife too, of course, but we're talking about me here). I trust God. I recognize that it is not my performance the He is interested in. I am experiencing brokenness. My love for my wife is other-centered, not based on what she can do for me. I am learning to communicate out of strength rather than neediness. All my fears are on the table and I am every day operating less out of avoidance of them. My affirmation is from God.
As a practical example, at the college in which I am now an instructor, according to my monthly evaluations I am experiencing statistically improbable success. Especially for a math teacher, among the most hated, student and administration response to me has been unlike any other time I've taught. In the past I pined for good evaluations. Read through them and based my image of myself on what was said. I obsessed on the bad - how could they say that about me??? - and took pride in the good. Now I chuckle at my evaluations and forward them to my wife so she can too. The success I'm getting here is from God, I am utterly convinced. I take it as Him considering me ready.
God has restored my love for people. Not a love of what is in it for me. Just a love because He loves them. I've counseled students spiritually. It is no longer in my mind to be their hero. There are other examples that I see in myself. There are other reasons that this won't happen again. But I hope you get the picture. It's not external. It's not because my marriage is now perfect. It's not because my job is fulfilling or that I have an abundance of close friendships.
God has changed me.
Thanks for reading.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
