The Happiness Project

Picked up a book at the library with an interesting title - The Happiness Project. I'm a few chapters into it, and while the premise is interesting, there are some profound conclusions to be drawn from the reciting of Gretchen Rubin's tale of seeking happiness.

Here is the premise: Mrs. Rubin has a good life and knows it, yet she curiously finds that she feels like she could be happier. After much research of the history of happiness, she endeavors to spend a year becoming happier. For each month of the year, she maps out an area of her life that she is going to focus on. Month one is becoming happier by boosting energy. Month two, in addition to continuing the habits of boosting energy, she adds to that remembering love. Month three continues with aim higher. Etc.

It is in month two that a definition of happiness comes to her, and it looks like this: "To be happy, I need to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth." In other words, she set standards for good, bad, and right and focused on "generating positive emotions" (her words) in order to grow.

While interesting and not without the discovery of some useful principles. This process is doomed to fail. Maybe not in the pages of the book, but eventually, and here is why.

Idols will always let you down and your idols cannot forgive you.

You cannot just generate something from nothing. It is one of the laws of thermodynamics. For instance, an emergency generator produces electricity from gasoline. No gas, no electricity. It is this basic premise that Gretchen misses in her project. She is constantly doing. To find happiness, she has to be putting something in. Just to boost energy alone, she focuses on sleeping more, exercising better, organizing, nagging less, and acting more energetic. That's just month one!

It is all about doing and setting a standard of performance.

As she relates herself, when she failed to live up to her standard of nagging less, she felt like a failure. Her idol could not forgive her, since it was an arbitrary line in the sand. She set the standard for feeling bad and achieved it. Even more, she struggled when her husband did not acknowledge her improvement in the nagging department. Her sense of happiness was reflected to her in his approval. Her idol let her down.

On another front, she did get very happy when she cleaned her closets and drawers and emptied shelves. Yet, related that she did not get such a profound sense of happiness from the daily maintenance of staying organized. Another way idols let us down is by the law of diminishing returns. As any drug user will tell you, it takes more drug to feel the same high. Idols make us work harder and harder for less and less benefit.

During the love month she treated her husband to the "week of extreme nice" in which she practiced love without expecting anything in return. Along with a certain level of happiness, she also relates resentment at her sacrifice not being acknowledged. And at the end of the week, she was relieved when the week was over and things could get back to normal. Seems she had some nagging to do.

The things that were making her happy were artificial standards that her effort at willpower could not maintain. Happiness was achievable in spurts, but not sustainable. Letdown.

As I've said in other blogs, I'm not trying to malign Gretchen Rubin. I like her book and I really respect all the effort and thought she put into this year. There are many principles here worth noting. But also worth noting is that since happiness needs to come from somewhere, she was going to experience failure at one point or another. What happens when she sprains her ankle and cannot exercise? Or forgets to act energetic? Or needs to stay up late with a sick child? Or does not get the response she needs from others when she loves them well? Her idol is going to fail her.

Came across this quote today by a gentleman named Henry Scougal in his work Life of God in the Soul of Man:

Worth or excellency of a soul is to be measured by the object of its love.

Here is how I think this applies. Ultimately, I see the pursuit of happiness as the pursuit of personal redemption. We know within our soul that things are not right, so outside of Christ we attempt to do things like organize our lives, achieve physical fitness, and give and receive love. It is a redemption story. Happiness if found in redemption.

As evidenced in Gretchen Rubin's book, our idols, the objects of our love, are going to leave our souls longing for more. They cannot be fulfilled for long by powerless idols. There will always be something above our standard of good.

But it is not like that in Christ. Christ needs nothing from us, for everything is his. His love is pure gift. We are chosen, not because of what we can produce, but simply because we are His creation, His image bearers. Being in Christ is not deserved, it is grace. When we love God in Christ, because we are made righteous not earning it, our soul can rest and be...happy.

Then it does not matter if my shelf is cluttered or I have love handles or if my spouse does not appreciate the things I do. There is not condemnation in Christ Jesus.

That is a happiness project.

Who's the Boss?

It has taken a long time to learn, but I have been the king of the 'non-anxious response'. Said another way, I had come to lead my marriage (and participate in other close relationships) out of my fears and anxieties. Fear of rejection, fear of not being loved, and fear of not living up to other's expectations (disappointing others) were the things I was trying to avoid. So, it turns out, I wasn't so much leading as I was placating my own fears.

Much like my dad, I've always tended toward passivity and people pleasing. Ways to relieve my pain and avoid my fears. If I didn't open up, rejection would be less painful. If I did things to make people happy, I wouldn't have to face disappointment. While I was plenty guilty of this in all areas, I am mainly going to focus on my marital system.

Here's the problem: when your highest goal is to keep the peace, you transfer the power in the relationship. When having your own expectations met determines your happiness, the other person is in control. And that, very subtly, is what happened in my marriage. This did not happen by any nefarious plan by my wife, it is simply the equilibrium we achieved to minimize our pain.

Yet, my role is leader. God gifted me and designed me to be a leader. So, it is oh so ironic that in my immediate family I allowed my anxious response take me out of the leadership position. Just like Adam. You know that story, don't you?

Past results have been that, if I'm not leading my marriage, I am then trying to get something out of it. Placing expectations on my wife for my happiness. Rather than a ministry, marriage was about performing to get the reward. That is the definition of being undifferentiated in a relationship, if you've never heard the counseling term for it.

My wife was the boss by default. Just like Eve. Both of them facing the serpent while the men are abandoning their responsibility. My greatest failure in all of this has been that, while I was so focused on my own needs and anxieties, I didn't notice the struggle that my wife was having. The walls of protection that she was erecting. Actually, not noticing is too strong - I certainly did notice them because they caused my wife not to be able to respond to me emotionally, physically or spiritually as my wife. By the time I was emotionally empty enough to suggest getting some outside help, she was emotionally empty enough not to want to pitch in the effort. Further frustration cause by pandering to my fears.

A husband is supposed to provide the security for his wife to open up and be herself. I was so focused on the lack of respect that I was due that I was shutting her down. An exhausting cycle because my response, was to try harder and harder to have the marriage everyone would expect.

In my defense, with the example passed to my by my father, I did not have the tools to do this. My root sin of pride made it very hard to invite people into this. Frustration with God caused me to shut Him out. A bad experience quenched any trust that I did have or might have developed. And no one seemed to notice or care about what they were seeing in me. That is not a statement to try to absolve myself of responsibility, just an observation of the relational system I'd constructed.

So, harder and harder I tried, like a hamster in a wheel. My every misguided effort only served to solidify the status quo. My wife felt more hurt, alone, misunderstood and built more walls of insulation. I felt more lonely, unlovable and disrespected. Legitimate needs and desires that I wanted fulfilled in illegitimate ways. Like the hamster, my tank was empty and I was still nowhere.

Never make a decision alone when you are emotionally exhausted and spiritually empty. For me, when I was at this place, I dropped the pretensions and was emotionally honest. Unfortunately, out of this desperation, rather than pursuing godliness, I took refuge in worldliness. Bad choice.

Here's the thing, that's where we got when power was transferred in my relationship. Like Esau giving up the birthright for some stew, I gave up power to avoid my fears. The process of change requires that I take back leadership. Tough considering the 'comfort' of our known roles. Journeying toward strength means facing my fears and considering my wife's needs alongside my own. Tough because it means denying my legitimate needs and desires for a time to allow my wife the safety and room to heal. It means stepping into my God given and God designed role.

Like walking barefoot your entire life and then being given shoes, it feels awkward but hopefully both my wife and I will adjust to the comfort and protection of the new footwear. It means me having the strength to lead, and her having the strength to let me.

I Can Handle It!

I was looking for hand soap. You know, the little pump bottle that sits by your sink. Only, to show my love and support for my wife struggle with OCD, I was looking for the Lysol no hands soap dispensing system at Target. This was a surprise for her. My wife likes to wash her hands a lot. Although, this did involve a gadget thus my sense of manliness was heightened.

Trouble was, in the rows and rows of junk none of us really needs at Target, I could not find this little electronic device. Thought it'd be with the other hand soap dispensers - the low tech hand pumps. I actually went down the aisle twice, because where else was it going to be. Certainly not with the croc pots. Or the digital cameras. The primary purpose of this thing is to dispense soap. Where in the world was it.

Just as I was starting to feel like 'no good deed goes unpunished', I decided to do what men rarely do. Especially men who are looking for an automatic soap dispenser at Target (what, are you too LAZY to pump your own soap?).

I asked for directions.

The good lady in a red shirt and khakis walked with me to the liquid soap aisle, probably wondering why men couldn't figure this out for themselves. (As an aside, why is it necessary to have an entire aisle for liquid soap? Excessive?) Apparently I had neglected to look behind the pole that was in front of the shelves. Great location. Right behind the support pole holding up the roof of the Target store was a single row of this new item from Lysol. Well, at least asking for directions paid off.

Actually, it was very freeing to ask for help. No longer did I have to manage the problem, it was someone else's responsibility. If only I could have done that with the larger issue in my life. As I've mentioned before, my root sin was pride. Huge pride. Because of it, I couldn't let anyone help me.

So I diligently wore my mask. Not letting anyone see the real me, the pain I was feeling, or how lost, alone, frustrated and discouraged I usually felt. That's not how Christ followers are supposed to feel, right. I can handle it. No help or guidance necessary. Pride.

This was part of the wall I encountered that I touched on some in the last blog. In order to manage God, rather than letting him lead me in submission or realize my dependence, I worked. In my mind I equated my relationship with God with my performance and approval. My life was concealed behind the mask. Marriage had to be fine. I had to feign a connection to God that I rarely felt.

Only problem, was that underneath the mask, I was still longing for intimacy. A good desire. One implanted within us by God. We are to seek it first and foremost from Him. Like everything else, good things can quickly turn bad when we try to handle it ourselves.

That was my problem. So when I 'became friends' with a woman at church, I knew I could handle it. As boundaries that I had established for my behavior kept getting erased and redrawn, I knew I could handle it. As I continued to lie to God, myself, and others, I knew that I could handle it. As I hid my cell phone from the sight of everyone around me, I knew that I could handle it. As I made excuses to be out of the house, I know I could handle it. As my behavior got further and further away from Christ likeness, I knew I could handle it.

Behind my mask I had become what I hated. A pastoral cliche. Someone I had read articles about on ChristianityToday.com. Someone I had vowed never to be. (Peter replied, "Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will." More symmetry in my life with Peter.)

The mask was getting too tight. Unfortunately, I wore the mask pretty well. The Monday before I resigned, I was at a poorly attended prayer night at church. Everything was a mess and I knew it. I was starting to come to realization that I couldn't handle the way I was. (Yet, even in this moment my desire wasn't to submit my will to God, I knew how to solve the problem...another time for that one). So I asked another pastor to pray for me. All I told him was my life was a mess and I didn't know what to do.

His response, "I shouldn't be praying for you, you should pray for me, my life is the one that's a mess." (btw, he did pray for me, he wasn't being callous, I'm just illustrating how 'effective' I was). In that moment, there was a part of me happy. Pride was winning.

Everything did fall apart soon after. In fact, 'fall apart' is gentle. Exploded is better. That's a blog for a different day. Looking back, it is sometimes hard to know what I could have done differently. So many different things were wrong. It is easy to prescribe solutions from this side of growing strength and spiritual health. Bottom line is that I didn't have to spiritual tools to deal with my marriage. I lacked humility and forgiveness. I was following my happiness rather than Jesus.

For whatever reason, I also lacked someone to talk to. Someone outside the work environment; strong enough to hold me accountable. Someone that wasn't expecting anything from me. Maybe a professional, but definitely connected to God, the source of wisdom and life. If allowed only one change, that'd be the one I'd make.

I couldn't handle it. Just like being in Target, it is very freeing to have someone to walk the journey with you.

The Wall

During my time in college, there was one requirement that was seemingly universal for all students and it had nothing to do with SAT test, grade point averages or the freshman fifteen. It was ownership of a certain classic album. In the day of CD's, (wow, yet another 'back in my day' story. they are accumulating fast.) this was a double album. On typical college campuses this album was more universal than taking chemistry. It was Pink Floyd's The Wall.

I'll admit that I owned a copy. Listened to it once. Well, ok, I'll be totally honest, I listened to three-quarters of it once. I just didn't get it. The entire thing seemed like just a bunch of nonsense to me. Yet I kept it. Firmly entrenched in my wooden CD rack for all to see. Yes, of course I wanted to meet the requirements to attend college!

The guys who lived below me in the dorm also owned it and listened to it frequently - at least to Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2). They even had some very creative lyrics that I cannot possibly type here.

All and all it's just a...nother brick in the wall.

Now the lyrics loop has started in my head. Just great. This moment in classic rock has been brought to you (and I'm enduring the lyrics loop) so that I could bring up the subject of The Wall, because long before I acted out of my desperation I had him my own wall.

Not that I knew it at the time. After some reading about spiritual formation, it's a descriptor that I've put on my spiritual life in hindsight. The wall. Part of the inner struggle with the emotional stuff we bring to the table when we dine with Christ. Not sure that my emotional stuff was that severe compared to so many others, but that may be why it was so dangerous - crouching their unaddressed because they were not taken seriously. I don't have no stinkin' issues!

Here's the thing that hard experience has taught me about spiritual walls...they don't go away. You can't tunnel under them, jump over them or plow through them. In fact, there is really no way to ignore them. You can pretend to, but your wall (junk, issues, soul damage, or whatever you want to call it) will be there affecting your walk with Christ.

The issues that I was having in my close relationships, but my marriage in particular, brought me up face to face with my wall. I had doubts. Lots of questions of God. Maintaining connection with God was tough. I've since learned that this is a normal and healthy point to be at; part of our spiritual growth. Only I took it that something was wrong. I must be doing the wrong things if my relationship with God was this tough.

So I went back to where I was comfortable, where I felt on solid ground. Back to DOING stuff. Determinedly pressing on. Only I didn't know I was going backward, I just thought I had gotten around my hurdle, my wall. My job as pastor became my identity, especially my spiritual identity. Forming an unhealthy cord of three strands with my job was my expectation of approval and search for intimacy.

That seemed to make things better for awhile. Yet it was still there. Still being ignored. My wall. Little did I realize at the time that the strategy I had developed to ignore the affects of my issues on my relationship was setting me up for crisis. I was perverting the grace of God, creating an idol of my desire for happiness.

You see, the only was to get rid of your wall is to dismantle it. Piece by messy piece. That is what my original discontent was all about. I'd gotten to the edge and I needed to turn my spiritual attention inward. Allow the power of Christ to help you deal with your stuff.

And I missed it by a mile.

I think some of this discomfort at looking at my own stuff came from a misconception that I think is common among Christians. We are told that in Christ we are a new creation. The old is gone and the new is come. With that new creation comes an expectation that our struggles of old, the hurts, the habits, the thought processes all automatically disappear.

More magic pill Christianity. So, when we still struggle or when the old struggles resurface (as they will) we get discouraged. God may be allowing the issue to surface. He wants to work it for our good. Now that we are in Christ we can process it with the mind of Christ. We can be drawn deeper into the arms of God. Instead we refuse this opportunity for God to work good. We cover our shame (Adam and Eve anyone?) and we beat ourselves up for still being damaged. Why wouldn't we be? While God can clearly work miracles without us, in the Bible He usually responds to a step of faith by us.

The old indeed has gone. Old way of thinking. Old way of avoidance. Old way of pursuing our own happiness. Old way of coping with life out of our own strength. All gone. It is replaced by the new. Being in Christ. Taking our burden to Him. Allowing Him into our pain. What has come is the ability for healing, but the issue needs to have light shone on it.

I'd taken the magic pill and I was choking on it. Choking on my expectations and insecurities. Passivity. Retreating in conflict. Fear of rejection. Pride. Fear of disappointing others. Approval addiction. And a distrust of God. That is quite the list. Turns out I had more issues that I imagined.

The good news is that the wall is coming down. Brick by brick. The job is a little taller now because of the damage I did in my crisis. But I am developing the tools to overcome. Brokenness before God. Gratitude. Contentment in Christ. A few close men who can ask me anything and themselves who have to strength to pry. Someone to provide counsel.

I'm looking forward to what is on the other side of the wall.

Delighting in God

Each night I have tried to make it my consistent discipline to go for a walk or run and along the way memorize a verse of scripture. Without intending it, this has really turned out to be a very fruitful time for me. Usually when I get home I have to scramble for a notebook to write down the observations and applications that come to mind as I meditate on the verse. Actually, because trying to remember a decent thought tends to restrain the flow, I bought a digital voice recorder, which may be one of the coolest things I own. Make me feel like a spy or a private eye.

Apparently I've always been one who thinks better when his limbs are preoccupied (maybe that's why my legs fidget in meetings). While in college, if I got stuck doing a mathematical proof, I'd just take a walk across the enormous University of Florida campus and by the time I'd get from point A to point B the proof would be done and ready to write down. Not bragging (well, maybe just a little bragging), just exposing my inner nerd.

So I'm sitting in my cube at work reading though the notebook of my thoughts that arise from these walks and I came across and entry from a couple months ago that I intended to make part of my blogoshpere because the thoughts I had were particularly relevant to my present circumstance.

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it for the glory of God. - 1 Corinthians 10:31

Eating or drinking are really pretty menial things. Like breathing, which could also be put on this list, we hardly offer a thought to our next breath. Most of us reading this hardly offer a second thought about the reality of our next meal or drink of water. We just assume it. Do you know how much of the world outside of America has running water? The percentage is smaller than you would probably guess. At least it was for me.

Yet even these activities that seem to fade our of our consciousness are to be done for the glory of God. That is to be our hearts desire in all of life's circumstances. Usually when I think about doing something for the glory of God, I think of cancer patients, marriages being reconciled, saving a baby from a burning building, landing on the moon - you know, the really dramatic, huge moments that everyone notices. Not the mundane. Certainly not the things that I have to do or else risk death, like eating or drinking.

I've come to realize that it is exactly because these activities are mundane and unnoticed that they are to be the first place we think to bring glory to God. John Piper has a thesis statement in his book Desiring God that he uses as the subject of every chapter. His statement is the reworking of an old confession...

The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever.

Having joy in all circumstances as the Bible makes clear. According to Piper, that one think is our chief concern. That was God's intent for our relationship in the Garden of Eden. Everything else flows from our enjoyment of God. People around us in our relationships and circle of influence, no matter how large or small, will see and should be influenced by our enjoyment of God. This become our witness to the world of the power of our marvelous God.

It's all about enjoying God. Having trust that no matter what, no matter what things look like in our close-up, near-sighted view, God has our back in the big picture. Not only trusting him for eternal life, but trusting Him for our enjoyment OF HIM in this life. Notice it is not about enjoying this life but enjoying Him in this life. Getting our minds off of material prosperity and on spiritual thriving. The things of man versus the things of God.

Whatever my circumstances and however they may differ from my desires - at Keiser University, resurrecting my marriage, changes in the number of relationship I have, seeking a fruitful way to serve Him - enjoying Him is enough. Sadly, for a long season, that was not enough. As I played god of my life I sought enjoyment seemingly everywhere else but God. All of it left me wanted more - as evidenced by my continuing and deepening frustration with the circumstances of my life.

Enjoying Him needs to be enough. In fact, before I can have joy in the things that I want and the things that I think God has called me to, I must have joy now in this season of dissatisfaction. Otherwise my joy will be circumstantial and short lived. I'll be back on the same roller coaster that got me to this place.

I can't look past this time, which is hard because I want to run, run, run. I'm excited about what God is doing, but this is a time of refining. A time to choose to trust in the faithfulness of God and also to begin to demonstrate my new found trust in Him. Let my actions match the words of my heart. A time to let God bring things to me as He determines that I am ready.

To be totally honest, so far this has been a pretty easy perspective to maintain and I think that I am just now beginning to see the fruit of embracing the 'holy dissatisfaction'. Enjoying God when I have every worldly reason not to. Thank you God that it is your desire that I delight in you.

It Takes Love to Make Love

I was just out walking around the workplace which is fairly typical because I have a hard time sitting still. (During meetings I have to concentrate on not moving my knees or tapping my feet.) One of the secretaries is reading a very popular marriage book that started a conversation between us. In the world of marriage improvement books, there seems to be two broad categories of which this book fell into what I will cleverly call 'category 1' - books that recommend if you are having some marriage struggles, the best thing you can do is meet your spouses needs. Then they will feel loved and hence begin to meet your needs and you will feel loved. Problem solved and it's only page 4!

Well, yes and no. It is definitely not a bad thing to be aware of your spouse's needs. And there is some practical truth to the principle of if you treat others well, they will be more likely to treat you well. A key point that I think 'category 1' books miss is motive. Why are you trying to meet your spouse's needs? If you are meeting needs in order to get a desired response, that boils down to some glorified selfishness. Concern is not really for the spouse's needs nor for the health of the marriage, but only for how you feel.

Sadly 'category 1' marriage books seem to be most generally popular. One reason is probably because they are like a sitcom, and everything is wrapped up and well defined by the end of the book - solutions to your relationship problems in 150 pages or less. Another is desperation, trying anything that claims to work - making the pain go away, (but maybe God wants go to feel the pain). A third is this advice puts you in control of the situation - being your own god.

It is hard to follow the blueprint of these books for very long. Even harder is looking at someone you are counseling, who has been living in a love desert for years, and telling them that the solution is to potentially humiliate themselves for the benefit of someone else who in all truthfulness is probably acting very selfishly also. That is, it is hard if you do not address motive. 'Category 1' books put the cart before the horse.

We could summarize the issue with the following logic statement "If you want to feel loved in your marriage, then you must strive to meet your spouse's needs." But what foolishness. That presupposes that the highest calling in marriage is to have our needs met. And what happens when when your spouse doesn't turn it around? If your behavior is predicated upon getting an expected reaction, then what happens when you don't get what you want? More frustration, more anger and ultimately more distance.

I know because I fell into the trap. Ultimately, my goal was to change my spouse's behavior not to address what was going on in our marriage. Ironically, this is not what I counseled those who came into my office for advice. It is so funny how God is able to use someone as broken as me while I remained blind to what was going on. When someone would come in to talk about their marriage, there was really only one focus that was possible - what was their relationship with God like, because everything flows out of that. If their spouse was unable to love them, I would use that as a teaching point to remind them that we need to connect with God and let him love us.

I'm not sure why that advice was good for others, but not for me. Well, actually I am sure, I was in a weird catch 21, I knew God loved me if things were going well, so to connect with God I needed things to go well, and onward the spiral would go. One of the laughable things about my situation was how good at pastoral care I was. At my worst moment people would ask of me the simple question "What would you tell someone doing the exact same thing as you?" Good grief. Hard to get out of that one; that's another blog.

What is it that many of these popular marriage books miss? Motive. What is the motive of our lives. Is it to be happy (a la following expectations of Jesus rather than Jesus)? Or is it to be a faithful minister of reconciliation? I want the latter to be true of me in my relationship. My wife is not a means to an end. Nor is she a problem to be fixed. She is someone to be loved. An opportunity, given by God, to minister in the name of Jesus.

To do that well, my motive must be addressed. So, in order to reflect a biblical motivation, the previous conditional statement needs to be changed to "If you want to feel loved in your marriage, then you must let God love you." Security comes from experiencing the love of God. He does love us, and demonstrated that through Jesus, and He wants us to live in that knowledge everyday and through everything this world throws at us.

For me, this was the underlying problem. God's love wasn't a reality for me. I knew about it. I could explain it and help others understand it. But I wasn't experiencing it. This wasn't always my experience. But for a variety of reasons, during my season of duress I retreated to a place of comfort. Love as performance and affirmation. That too will be subject of another blog; that'll hopefully keep you coming back for more.

How do you let God love you? Great question, and I think the answer varies somewhat depending upon the individual. For me, it starts with connecting - praying, studying, reading. But not as items to be crossed off a list. Embracing who God made me, rather than who I think He expects me to be. Extending grace to myself when I 'fail' by not living up to my own expectations. Looking for things to be grateful for. Being very intentional about telling myself how I know I can trust God; not letting my trust be dictated by my circumstance (bad or good). Just continuing to tell my story to myself and others. All of these are components of embracing God's love for me.

Among the fruit of experiencing the love of God in my life is that my love for people has returned. I'm not so cynical or hardened. As I walk around campus, I am looking for ways to make a difference in student's and coworker's lives. Not so that I can receive, but so they can know God loves them.

Most importantly, this is changing my marriage. In my wife I see God's gift of ministry. My love for her is coming not from having m needs met through her (although I won't complain!) but from the limitless love that I am enjoying from my savior. Is this easy? No, no, no, and no. I still have moments, but I am more and more able to walk through those moments and process them healthily. I am better able to love my wife, not because of her behavior, but because I am feeling God's love for me. From that comfort and absence of fear, I am able to more selflessly love my wife.

This is the theme of most 'category 2' marriage books. Love for our spouses coming not from what they do for us, but from who we are in Christ. That is a difference I was able to share with the secretary earlier today. From there our conversation turned to how she can overcome her guilt at falling away and turn back to walking with Christ again. I guess there was a reason God gave me restless legs today.

Great Expectations

The Bible character that I have identified with most during the recovery phase of my spiritual journey has been Peter. Of course, right? Everyone picks a good character. No one ever wants to be Judas or Ananias. Kind of reminds me of one of Kevin Costner's lines in the movie Bull Durham "How come everyone was someone famous in their previous life?" Only, I don't identify with Peter because of his successes, I could only hope to be a millionth the follower of Christ that he was, but because of the relatability of his failures.

In my mind now is the moment of Peter's denial. As he is being questioned around the fire about being a follower of Jesus who is now standing trial in a courtyard within Peter's view. Truth is, Peter was not a follower of THIS Jesus. Peter was not following a guy who was going off to die. As evidenced in the garden a few hours earlier, Peter was ready for a fight - he was a follower of Jesus the conqueror. The one who was going to free Israel from Rome and restore her to greatness among the nations.

Peter was following his expectations of Jesus. Probably all the disciples were. Maybe that is why Jesus was still so frustrated with them and why the twelve were having problems understanding the teaching of Jesus about why He was going to Jerusalem. It was hard to understand because that was not at all what these dudes were expecting.

I did this. And I don't think I am nearly the only one. Some start on their way with Christ following expectations rather than reality. Prosperity teaching makes sure that many are ripe for a quick let down. But others, like me, fall into following their expectations rather gradually - almost imperceptibly - until frustration begins to set in. As I've said before, for me God was someone to be pleased. The way my life was going indicated how well I was doing spiritually. And I then made the gradual shift to following my expectations rather than following Jesus.

It goes something like this - if I'm doing what I should, my marriage will work out and provide me happiness. If I'm doing what I should, then I'll get more opportunities to speak and teach. Peace in my home, a wife who expressly loves and respects me, growing opporunities for ministry, affirmation and approval, these were some of the expectations that I was following. It was pride. That was my root sin. I had traded the truth of Christ for the lie of my expectations. It wasn't health and wealth, but it was definitely a subtler form of prosperity.

That's the lie. Fathered by Satan, that life in Christ will be everything you want it to be. That you can have your cake and eat it too. There is a way to avoid the testing of your faith by trial and refining by fire. I bit on the lie and made my own way, and when things continued to fall short of my expectations I played God and made up my own rules. Lack of trust in God. Pride gone wild.

Christ paints a different picture. This life will have trials, this world will hate us for following him, following him will bring division in our families and relationships, those without the spirit won't understand us, we have to deny ourselves and take up or cross, there will be thorns in the flesh - that doesn't sound like the life of fulfilled worldly expectations.

I knew that. I used to counsel people about their sufferings leading to perseverance leading to character leading to hope. Hope in Christ was not what I was clinging to, it was rather hope in my expectations. Misplaced hope can do nothing but disappoint.

Peter eventually learned this. We all know what history says - he was crucified upside down; he shouted encouragement to his wife as she was lead to her death. Sounds like a guy who overcame his expectations and followed Jesus. Not because of what Jesus could do, but because of what He already had done - dying for his sins, so he could have reconcilliation with God and eternity with Him in heaven. Gratitude for what matters most.

I am grateful for God's love and for second chances (and for third and fourth chances too!). It has taken alot for me to get my perspective back in line - I have had to lose (or better stated, throw away) everything that I thought mattered so that I could see that God is enough - in fact, that He is the only thing. Although it tries to rear its ugly head, my pride has been replaced by brokenness and a first-hand understanding that I am dependent upon God. That makes me grateful for everything even when it's not what I expected.

Hitting the Guardrails

I have been known as a guy who can hit guardrails. If during a meeting someone would tell me that I was being too loud, then I would (loudly) declare that I would no longer be speaking. Some of this was for show, yet some of this had an internal component too. While the emotional guardrails had been present with me for a long time, more and more they were becoming evident in my behavior. If I didn't enter the work environment with brashness, jokes, hugs and clever greetings then people would go on alert that something was wrong.

This began happening more and more frequently. When asked I would make a joke that everyone could stand down the 'suicide watch', that I just wanted to be quiet, couldn't I just act like a normal guy one day. That would at least satiate people's expressed concern. Trouble was, something was wrong.

Yesterday, my wife and I were talking about our days, and as we were chatting I told her that for the past few weeks I have just felt happy. It wasn't something that I was trying to achieve, it just WAS and it felt great. That used to be my 'normal', just a happy and content guy. (Although, in my previous 'normal' the happiness had more to do with people liking me, but it was at least not a battle to maintain a state of happiness.)

Now I know that some people will read this and think that I am missing the point, happiness is not our goal. Trust me, lesson learned, I know this. I'm not living for a feeling. Feelings are deceptive, they will change and diminish. I have lived in slavery to my feelings and I feel qualified to make the distinction. So maybe my word choice is not great, after all I am trying to blog and I don't want this to be overly scripted. Maybe what is going on would be better conveyed through words like joyful, confident, grateful, forgiven, secure, or maybe it is all those rolled into one.

What I am driving at is this is not a matter of a happiness because something good has happened to change my circumstance. In fact, much of my circumstance is still in confusion. Many of my relationships are still very damaged and there is a community of people that still have a perception of my fallen legacy. I have no guarantees of being the perfect husband or father, of having the perfect marriage, of having the ministry that my soul longs for daily, or of so many other things. But that is not the stuff that matters.

No longer do I continually battle the inner turmoil that I had been. Looking to my circumstances and the fulfillment of my expectations to define the quality of my relationship with God. It used to be that criticisms or deficiencies left an open wound of hurt in me. Loneliness consumed me in my marriage as my wife was battling with my expectations (and losing) and had baggage of her own that she was fighting to avoid. In a gathering with some friends last night, we declared "We are messed up!" So funny to hear us declare the obvious - at least we were laughing instead of crying or yelling.

It is ironic that running from or masking your fears makes you so much more likely to be hurt by them. That was one of my growing problems, I was a slave to my mask and who I wanted others to think I was. My guardrails became more frequent because this was getting harder and harder to maintain. Happiness now comes from embracing the freedom that Christ gives. Trusting God with my fears. Accepting His grace to not be absolutely perfect in everything that I do.

I just laughed as I hit the enter key at the end of the previous line. That seems so simple. It used to frustrate me when an author would make such a simple statement and move on. In fact, I once was so pissed off at a particular book I kept yelling "yes, I want that" while circling the offensive paragraph in the book. I ended up circling a hole through about 100 pages. Oh well, what's fifteen bucks when you're having so much fun.

This is the place I expected to be when I started typing awhile ago. But if you are not just walking the journey with me, but are rather looking for hope and happen to see a glimmer of yourself in anything I've said in this or some other post, please don't give up. I know. It's frustrating and I'm not going to leave the story there. To be able to talk about freedom, trust and grace has been an exhausting and painful process that I'll dive deep into in our times together. I used to have all the knowledge in my head, but there was a disconnect with my heart, which became the most frustrating thing of all. Why was God so far away and so quiet? Turns out the problem was with me and not God. Go figure.