Desert Goggles

Psalm 78 takes a peek at the Israelites as they wandered in the desert. Here is part of what it relates to us...

But they continued to sin against him,
rebelling in the desert against the Most High.
They willfully put God to the test
by demanding the food they craved.
They spoke against God, saying,
“Can God spread a table in the desert?
When he struck the rock, water gushed out,
and streams flowed abundantly.
But can he also give us food?
Can he supply meat for his people?”
When the LORD heard them, he was very angry;
his fire broke out against Jacob,
and his wrath rose against Israel,
for they did not believe in God
or trust in his deliverance.

The Israelites were chasing the mirage, settling for the perceived oasis of lesser longings. While they wanted their stomachs full, God wanted to deliver them to the land of promise. This resulted in a nation that willfully challenged God.

We are hungry. We are thirsty. Yes, you gave us bread, but you didn't give us meat. These stiff necked people complained the entire exodus like a couple of kids in the backseat on the family road trip to Florida.

Thirst is created in the desert. Desperation. Yet, rather than letting their thirst compel them toward God, they resist and sin - and this comes out in their complaints against the Most High. Most telling is what the last verse above says about the source of complaining - it is a lack of belief and the absence of trust.

The source of complaining is an unbelieving heart. It is short-sighted and it is described above as sin. Completely the opposite of trust.

God is seeking to uncover the true self of who the Israelites were intended to be, and they resisted. Like them, in Christ God is leading us to abandon all that is false about our selves, and we resist. When what we want and desire does not come to fruition, when our expectations are not met, when our idols are not sacrificed to, when our circumstances do not measure up to others', the result is we complain. And we doubt. We stomp our feet and threaten and run away. We challenge God to provide the mirage.

Instead of viewing our circumstances through the lens of Christ, we view Christ through the lens of our circumstances.

The latter lens causes us to say things like "I deserve better", "this isn't fair" and "where is God?". God owes me heaven right here, right now.

With the former lens, our desert is still dry, still painful, still a hard, painful road to navigate. But it is trusting that God has a destination in mind. Laying aside the short term to be perfected for the eternal term.

It is not an easy lens to put on, requiring an awareness of our brokenness and a daily denial of self. But these desert goggles give us an awesome view of the beautiful God we follow who does not leave us nor forsake us in the desert places.

Up and to the Right

Stock market is down (again!) today in a big way. The usual chorus of voices can be heard on the TV and radio trying to take advantage of this drama by fanning the flames of worry and discontent. Forgotten among the voices saying to wait the bear market out is the reality that the stock market is a gamble. In principle it is nice to think that my investment will be safe because in five years the value of the stock market will be more that it is today. While that is a nice thought, it is no where near reality.

When you actually do invest money, you have to sign a legal pad's worth of documents verifying that you understand that you could lose it all. There is no insurance or safety net. Growth is not certain. Does anyone even read those things? Or are they like the license agreement when my new version of iTunes updates or the internet access redirect that I just ignored when I logged on at Panera five minutes ago? We just click "I agree" without thought of the consequences.

In our lives there is an assumption that everything will be "up and to the right". A growth chart. Every day better than the last. Every job change a promotion. Every year of marriage better than the last. Stock investments grow. Church attendance will climb. There will be an iPhone 5 after the iPhone 4.

Uninterrupted progress. That is our expectation.

Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson writes in his work Insight and Responsibility that "our western world image is a one-way street to never ending progress, and this means that our individual lives come to be one-way streets to success - and sudden oblivion."

Oblivion comes when our expectation of constant progress meets the real world. Like a cold front and warm front colliding to create a thunderstorm, crisis results when our expectations are not met. How many potential retirees were left unprepared for the economic downturn? How many parents are prepared for their children to not turn out 'right'? How many spouses are frustrated that their best effort at being good still leave them with a lifeless, unfulfilled marriage?

Just like we do in other areas of our lives, we assume a path of continual progress spiritually as well. Oblivion results when we are confronted over and over by the reality of a broken world. Darkness is a reality of the world we find ourselves in. The desert is the opposite of Eden.

Yet, the reality is that God draws us to desert places. He uses dark nights of the soul as part of his formation process. In the desert, nothing grows or exists without the sustenance of God. Just as the Israelites who spent 40 years wandering and eating manna. The dark requires light to see. Light that we long for, again the wandering Israelites bear witness - they were let by a pillar of fire.

We don't like the desert or the darkness, for in them we are confronted with our dependence. Spiritual success becomes our identity. It is uncomfortable to realize that we are not in charge of our sanctification. Self effort is so much easier to because we only have to go as far as we want. It can be faked. Tares look a lot like wheat. Ultimately, self effort does not need Jesus.

Some wear the mask of spiritual success because they are afraid of the alternative. Allowing ourselves to be fully known, fully dependent on the provision of God. If we resist the dark night or the desert, thinking that something must be wrong because we are not experiencing success - the best life now - life on the up and to the right growth curve, then we are in danger of missing out on the blessing of knowing Jesus more fully.

Basic Instinct

I'm not sure if this is one of those myths that roll around and you eventually believe or if it is based on truth, but as some point I remember learning or being told that humans are born with two basic instincts. The first is the instinct to suckle.

As I type this a memory comes rushing forth. Not sure how this evolved, and as a parent I don't think I'd admit this on anything with my name attached. When my daughter was just an infant, there were three things that would make her cry. So when she would get rolling we had the checklist. Dirty diaper? Tired? Hungry? Now, since I could not feed my daughter (only mom had the physical assets to accomplish that), I developed a check. I'd bend my head down to her and put the tip of my nose within reach of her mouth. If she latched on, that was proof positive she was hungry. There's the suckle instinct. Gross. Dad needs a lesson in hygiene.

The second instinct is to grasp. Like when you fall, your instinct is to grab for something, without thinking. I think that this instinct has a definite spiritual component as well. For the past month, I've been out of the desert. Really enjoying my new role, new community, new challenges, etc. But, I have noticed a tendency to grasp.

While in the desert, one of the greatest learnings I had was how to hold things with open hands. In particular, my calling was an example of this. Without a doubt, I knew that God wanted me back in vocational ministry. He designed me for it and compelled me to it. The calling was clear and evident to me, and I'd even say to those close to me. Yet, even while compelled, I was able to hold this loosely. Not striving and refraining from pushing my way forward when nothing was evident. Yet, at the same time, I was able to accept modest opportunities when they presented. While I was thankful for the opportunities to speak, I held back from overstepping the opportunity.

That's holding things with open hands. Following God's lead, but not running out in front. Not grasping on to the old ways. I did the same in other areas: my marital expectations, developing relationships, and spirituality to give a few examples.

Lately, though, I've noticed the temptation to clench my spiritual hands together and grab on tightly begin to creep in. Clinging to the old. It is the same old battle with my pride. It is so important to deny myself daily.

Today was a particularly acute day. All day I clung to my fear of inadequacy. Afraid that I would not measure up. Pride plain and simple. In the midst of changes and challenges, it became so easy to reach out and cling to the old and familiar. Believing the lie. It was almost instinctual. Yet I know it's not, it is just my root sin. My evil pal.

There are also some dreams that I've been clinging to, again that involve my pride. Going back to the false lens that evaluates people's worth by what they can do for me. For me, this is the latest episode in my Paschal Mystery that God has put before me. Releasing some of my old expectations and desires that I have, particularly in my marriage, so that God can bless me with the new. In this case, the old is so much easier to cling to because the new is not my vision or even necessarily what will make me happiest in a worldly kind of way. Yet God knows best. And releasing these dreams is my latest act of trust. Or rather, will be when I am able to honestly say that I've let them go.

Tonight in the car, I yelled at God. For about ten minutes. Just let Him have it. I cling to my anger. Great counsel has been given to me that I must learn to do something with my anger, I just struggle to know what that is. God is involved in the process somehow. If I cling to it and hold it in, that is just more pride (for me, it's really all about pride). Pride in acting as if I can solve the problem myself. If I just act like it's not there, it will go away. Won't it? Denying my need for God.

So I yelled. And cried, although that doesn't seem very manly to admit (doooohhh, more pride). That's a step of trust that God is going to love me anyway. That He'll be able to accept how I'm really feeling and won't abandon me. It actually let to a good evening of prayer alone in my study. Pretty sure yelling isn't the long term solution, but neither is holding onto the anger with a tight fist.

Pride clouded the lens. But I am choosing the Gospel lens. Believing that God loves me and wants to bear my burdens (anger) with me and He'll never leave me nor forsake me - even when I would not judge my performance to be adequate.

I am choosing to trust that His plans for me are so much better than the plans that I have for myself. So, letting go of my dreams, expectations and vision of what would fulfill me becomes possible only with the Gospel lens. Otherwise I would continue to be consumed trying to fill my only perceived areas of lack.

As far as my fear, I have to trust that the works of service that God has called me to were prepared by God in advance. Not as a test to determine my worth, but as an opportunity He created for me to worship with my life. I am already fully secure with Him, regardless of my performance.

The Gospel lens beats the basic instinct.

A Bad Metaphor

My birthday is tomorrow. I can honestly say that in my life there is nothing material that I want. Oh, I could give you a list of some books and I always enjoy a new shirt, but there is really nothing that I'm sitting around pining for. On a car ride this weekend (we do a lot of driving) I was joking with my wife about birthday gifts and told her that I measure how much I mean to people by what they get me as a gift. The comment was totally a joke - I think I heard it on a TV show or something, but it has struck me how relevant that comment was to be for me.

It wasn't until I got to the end of Blue Like Jazz that I pieced it all together. As donald miller is wrapping up his book, he describes how he came to the realization that his thinking on love was all wrong. When he was confronted with the metaphorical language our culture uses for love and relationships it becomes clear that, to us, they are a commodity, a product of our consumer society.

We invest in relationships.

We value people.

We build relational equity.

People can be morally bankrupt.

We make deposits in relational accounts.

My spouse is priceless (or a treasure).

You may describe someone as worthless.

Relationship have become economic. As such, we judge them by the payoff they we get from them. In this model, I'll choose to give or withhold my love based on what I'm getting out of the relationship. Think about it, if time is money - and that is part of the belief system that we have - then time I spend with someone has an economic implication. So, I will be inclined to spend time with or build into people who will produce for me, who will give me a return on my investment.

Conversely, I will withhold myself in relationship in which I'm not getting a good return. Those that are not meeting MY needs. Those that are not meeting my expectations or helping me climb the ladder of success. So withholding become a form of communication. "You don't measure up." "Give me what I want and I'll give back." "You're not worth it."

Those may or may not be the intentional messages, but I'm pretty certain that those would be the perceptions of the other, the person who is not experiencing a scarcity of attention or affection in the relationship. Looking back, I was very good at this. Pride, remember? Relationships had a definite purpose to validate me or meet a need. That's why there are people pleasers - it's not about the other, it's about self.

There were lots of relationships that I manipulated like a stock broker. Buying and selling depending upon what I was getting. Especially with my wife. Being a man with passive tendencies, I would withdraw from contact. Withhold expressions of love (unless they were physical), mope around, invest my time elsewhere where I would feel worth.

While it didn't cure me totally, my Miracle showed me the error of my unforgiveness and pride. My wife (and others) were not at my disposal or intended for my validation. But something that underlies all this, all this withholding, is a realization that our love, affection, and friendship has influence. Our love for people has the power to make or break them.

We've all heard the expression that behind every good man is a good woman. Well, duh. It is easier to succeed when you have someone cheering you on and respecting you. When you don't have to expend so much emotional energy proving yourself. Similarly, behind every good woman, I'd expect there to be a man who cherishes, encourages and loves his woman. For the same reasons. It's so much easier for a flower to bloom in fertile soil.

I want there to be fertile soil for my relationship to bloom in (Btw, are gardening metaphors better for relationships that economic ones? I'll have to think that through, but this is a blog and we'll go with it.). Since I'm the man, the God appointed leader, the change agent, it is up to me to do til the ground. Strategies abound. There are a million books on relationships that have good strategies. But they will only truly be effective when your motivation is right. When you drop the economic model of investing to get something.

Instead, serve. Give yourself as a gift. Expect nothing in return. Put your needs on hold. Do it for love. How can I claim to love God when I treat my brothers and sisters as commodities. Let God fill your account so it can be emptied for others. If you get something in return, even better, but that is not the motivation. That's been the fruit of my Miracle and coming up against the Wall of my pride. Realizing that I shouldn't be trying for an economic style return in my relationship, but creating a new metaphor.

Thou Dost Protesteth Too Much

While talking with some friends at church, we got going about the church group that has been in the news recently for protesting things. Mainly at the funerals of dead soldiers who were gay. But it seems they have branched out. My friend had encountered them at a sci-fi convention in San Diego where they had signs like "God hates nerds" and other uplifting statements.

Before Christ we all had things that we used in the place of God in our hearts. For some it may be the fantasy of a sci-fi world. For others it is how they define themselves sexually. Doesn't make it right, just true of everyone who has experienced the human condition.

It occurred to me that this church group has forgotten that. They've fallen into the trap of self-righteousness. Basically and attitude of "I've changed, forget that it was a process, I expect you to be just like me." Absent are grace and hope, heavy are the doses of judgment and condemnation. Really, it does more to damage the cause of Christ. If not for the Holy Spirit, I'd say it would be impossible for those who receive this condemnation to realize they are loved by God.

Conversely, I've been reading Blue Like Jazz by donald miller (he doesn't capitalize his name on the book cover, so I'll be cool and do the same). It's an interesting peek into one man's journey on the Christian path. My favorite chapter has been 'confession'. Seems don found himself one of a small handful of Christians on a very secular college campus, openly hostile to expressions of Christianity. As part of their effort to figure out how to live on this campus, they decided to 'come out' during a campus party weekend. They did this using a confession booth that advertised "Confess Your Sins".

Kicker was, the confession booth was for the Christians to confess how they'd failed as Christians, how they had not lived up to the example of Christ. This act was so shocking to the campus, that they earned a measure of acceptance and respect from the student body. A group once openly hostile, now tolerated and attended their groups and events.

Rather than self-righteous indignation, don and his gang practiced humility - not considering themselves higher than they ought, remembering from where they came on their own journey and how they were formerly trapped in the world of sin.

I'm afraid that my pride caused me to be more like the former than the latter. No, I didn't protest things - I've always thought that was a silly way to reach people and communicate a hope filled message - my self-righteousness was more subtle. I had allowed myself a book understanding of people's problems rather than having a heart felt empathy.

It is hard to follow Christ. It is often painful to accept the truth of his teachings and pursue obedience. There are painful consequences when you work out your salvation. More often than I'd like to admit, while my advice was sound, I was given to frustration rather easily when people didn't immediately follow it. Or struggled to make up their mind. That was my pride. Rather, pride's fruitful cousin - self-righteousness.

It was like life was a multiple choice test, and all we needed was the answer key. Life would work out if we'd all just bubble in the correct circles. And I approached my life and as well as others with that mindset. I did this with people I counseled and some of those that I led. Especially with my wife as she did not live up to my expectations and meet my needs. And to some degree, with myself as I lived behind my mask. I didn't have a lot of grace to give because I wasn't allowing myself to receive it. I had my proverbial fig leaf on as I hid even from God.

The heart is a funny thing. It is described as the wellspring of life and also deceitful above all things. I am told John of the Cross wrote that the language of God is the experience God writes into our lives. That sounds about right. And God has used my experience to replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh. My time in the dessert has really renewed my love for people and my desire to serve them in the name of Christ. Not perfectly, and I'm learning to give myself grace along the way (still a struggle). This time, though, loving others is not for the benefit of my approval meter.

Who's the Boss?

It has taken a long time to learn, but I have been the king of the 'non-anxious response'. Said another way, I had come to lead my marriage (and participate in other close relationships) out of my fears and anxieties. Fear of rejection, fear of not being loved, and fear of not living up to other's expectations (disappointing others) were the things I was trying to avoid. So, it turns out, I wasn't so much leading as I was placating my own fears.

Much like my dad, I've always tended toward passivity and people pleasing. Ways to relieve my pain and avoid my fears. If I didn't open up, rejection would be less painful. If I did things to make people happy, I wouldn't have to face disappointment. While I was plenty guilty of this in all areas, I am mainly going to focus on my marital system.

Here's the problem: when your highest goal is to keep the peace, you transfer the power in the relationship. When having your own expectations met determines your happiness, the other person is in control. And that, very subtly, is what happened in my marriage. This did not happen by any nefarious plan by my wife, it is simply the equilibrium we achieved to minimize our pain.

Yet, my role is leader. God gifted me and designed me to be a leader. So, it is oh so ironic that in my immediate family I allowed my anxious response take me out of the leadership position. Just like Adam. You know that story, don't you?

Past results have been that, if I'm not leading my marriage, I am then trying to get something out of it. Placing expectations on my wife for my happiness. Rather than a ministry, marriage was about performing to get the reward. That is the definition of being undifferentiated in a relationship, if you've never heard the counseling term for it.

My wife was the boss by default. Just like Eve. Both of them facing the serpent while the men are abandoning their responsibility. My greatest failure in all of this has been that, while I was so focused on my own needs and anxieties, I didn't notice the struggle that my wife was having. The walls of protection that she was erecting. Actually, not noticing is too strong - I certainly did notice them because they caused my wife not to be able to respond to me emotionally, physically or spiritually as my wife. By the time I was emotionally empty enough to suggest getting some outside help, she was emotionally empty enough not to want to pitch in the effort. Further frustration cause by pandering to my fears.

A husband is supposed to provide the security for his wife to open up and be herself. I was so focused on the lack of respect that I was due that I was shutting her down. An exhausting cycle because my response, was to try harder and harder to have the marriage everyone would expect.

In my defense, with the example passed to my by my father, I did not have the tools to do this. My root sin of pride made it very hard to invite people into this. Frustration with God caused me to shut Him out. A bad experience quenched any trust that I did have or might have developed. And no one seemed to notice or care about what they were seeing in me. That is not a statement to try to absolve myself of responsibility, just an observation of the relational system I'd constructed.

So, harder and harder I tried, like a hamster in a wheel. My every misguided effort only served to solidify the status quo. My wife felt more hurt, alone, misunderstood and built more walls of insulation. I felt more lonely, unlovable and disrespected. Legitimate needs and desires that I wanted fulfilled in illegitimate ways. Like the hamster, my tank was empty and I was still nowhere.

Never make a decision alone when you are emotionally exhausted and spiritually empty. For me, when I was at this place, I dropped the pretensions and was emotionally honest. Unfortunately, out of this desperation, rather than pursuing godliness, I took refuge in worldliness. Bad choice.

Here's the thing, that's where we got when power was transferred in my relationship. Like Esau giving up the birthright for some stew, I gave up power to avoid my fears. The process of change requires that I take back leadership. Tough considering the 'comfort' of our known roles. Journeying toward strength means facing my fears and considering my wife's needs alongside my own. Tough because it means denying my legitimate needs and desires for a time to allow my wife the safety and room to heal. It means stepping into my God given and God designed role.

Like walking barefoot your entire life and then being given shoes, it feels awkward but hopefully both my wife and I will adjust to the comfort and protection of the new footwear. It means me having the strength to lead, and her having the strength to let me.

Father Forgive Me

I wrote most of this blog entry on March 25th but never posted it. Never felt done to me; something was missing. After talking with a friend yesterday, we stumbled onto the one missing fragment that would make all this bind together.

"Father forgive me." I remember saying that to the priest every week when I was a kid. In case I haven't mentioned or you forgot, I grew up Roman Catholic. The whole confession thing made a huge impression on me, a scar that had been with me up until recently. Forgiveness was earned. That was the truth seared into my soul. There were hoops to jump through, it was all about religion. That was the impression the practice of confession and penance left upon my adolescent mind. Do what it takes to keep God happy.

Of course, I am not knocking confession. That is a necessity for a transparent, authentic relationship. We are to confess to one another; it is the idea that someone doles out forgiveness or the steps to forgiveness in the place of God. In fact, there's only supposed to be one intermediary between God and man...but I digress slightly.

Confession is for God. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and forgives our sins. No mention of Hail Marys, rosaries, or Our Fathers. Just forgiveness. Grace given to us from the hand of God.

This is an idea that struck me as I was reading about David and Bathsheba. When confronted by Nathan, David says "I have sinned against the Lord." Not that he hadn't also sinned against Bathsheba, Uriah, Joab, and even Nathan as he indignantly lied to his face. But David knew where forgiveness started.

Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. - Psalm 51:4

With my new perspective, when I read the account of David and Nathan I understand why David came to this conclusion. God had anointed David king. He delivered him from the hand of Saul. God gave him the house of Israel and Judah. If that wasn't enough, He then promised if that was too little David would have been given more. David was thumbing his nose at God and defying His law. As if David made his own way as king. Or as if he could now go his own way. It was a bold faced denial of God's sovereign power in his life. Like a dare. I dare you God to take it away.

I did the same thing. Ignored God. Put my pursuit of Him on hold. Denied my heart for Him and made the pursuit of my happiness the main thing. It worked out poorly for David and likewise it worked out poorly for me.

My pursuit of happiness caused me to focus on everyone else's sins. How my wife was wronging me. Perceived betrayal by friends. Anyone who tried to get in my way was automatically deemed wrong. Didn't matter what they said.

So it is from this vantage point that I understand David's seemingly oblivious words that it was against God alone that he sinned. Until I sought forgiveness from God, I was incapable of seeking forgiveness from anyone else. That realization had to be first. It's the lynch pin. Without God's forgiveness nothing else of value can happen. Against him alone had I sinned.

It did not just apply to seeking forgiveness, but offering it as well. I could not genuinely offer my wife my forgiveness until I was forgiven by God. I could not forgive others until I had received the grace that God promises.

I would always say I'd forgiven my wife. In truth I was just burying it. You're supposed to look the part of the happy, well-adjusted couple, right? That was the mask I was wearing. The pit I was stuck in. Mr. Forgiveness. Only it was a facade. My expectations of her were still intact. I wanted to say I'd forgiven because I wanted to get.

For me it was a hard place to get to, receiving God's grace. Accepting myself, imperfections and all. Realizing God loves me and knows all about the imperfections. He wants to grow me beyond them, but first I have to acknowledge awareness of my weaknesses and lay them at His feet. Stop only playing the part and put the mask away.

One of the results of finally being able to accept and live in the grace and mercy of God has been a return of my love for people. Not a selfish love because of the affirmation or affection I could get, but love born out of love and forgiveness. He who is forgiven much forgives much. By gratefully receiving, I have a greater desire to give. It is freedom - freedom from expectations, freedom from worldly measures of wealth, freedom from the mask - free to be who God made me. All because I accepted a forgiveness that I didn't earn.

This Blog Is Better Than The Notebook

Have you noticed that every romantic movie, aimed at women, now claims in big letters on the box that "This movie is better than The Notebook!"? It's annoying and also a red flag that the movie is going to be a let down. I didn't enjoy The Notebook, but if I did I would be super wary of these new releases claiming to be the heir apparent.

Today's topic is women. When trying to think of some catchy title for the blog all I could think of was that movie and one thought led to another and BAM - bad blog title. The first paragraph was just a segway between the meaningless title of this blog and the actual body.

Not sure if lingo will be a problem today, but I really feel prompted to share this. More specifically than women is the idea of womanhood. What Larry Crabb calls femininity. What God designed women to be. Several months ago I listened to a conference Dr. Crabb gave regarding masculinity and femininity. It's been awhile, but if memory serves, he formulates his definitions from the Hebrew roots of male and female in Genesis.

Biblical masculinity remembers God and creates order by entering into darkness and chaos. That is strength, overcoming fear to make the first steps. In the garden, Adam broke from the mold God made for him by standing silently and passively by while Eve was tempted.

For women, Dr. Crabb defines femininity as the ability to reveal the invitational nature of God. True masculinity and femininity complement each other to form intimacy in varying degrees depending upon the nature of the relationship.

In my life this has been a struggle that I've been unaware of until recently. How do I respond to true biblical womanhood? Examples have been for the most part lacking in my life. My mom manipulates (Now let me make a disclaimer: after my blogs regarding my dad I had some a comment to the effect - I'm sure your dad was doing the best he could. That is totally true. My parents love me and I love them, of that I have no doubt. This is just observation, not judgment.) Mom will manipulate by making comments, then if you respond she will say "Oh, I was just kidding." She'll exaggerate. She is the queen of expecting you to read between the lines and know what she wants and if you don't she'll be hurt. Manipulative femininity.

I had an inappropriate relationship with someone who used her femininity for evil. To seduce and destroy. (Again a disclaimer: in no way am I shirking my responsibility for my actions. Only stating the reality that I was not alone in doing wrong.) Destructive femininity.

My wife, because of her own struggles, tends to hold me at a distance. Intimacy is not possible because she has not accepted herself as a loved and valuable daughter of God. Despite her stated desires that we be close, she still has the first impulse to run. Unapproachable femininity.

For differing reasons and to varying degrees, each of these struggles to reveal the invitational nature of God. As I make the journey from passivity to strength, as I have detailed before, it become important for me to respond appropriately to femininity.

Having little exposure to that has taught me to respond selfishly. With my wife I developed expectations and demands of her behavior. In the case of my mom, I attempt to please her to gain approval. And I responded to the seductive femininity by selfishly attempting to be my own god.

Case in point, my wife has a friend who does not like to hug. For whatever reason. But I do. In fact, I am a very affectionate person, so in this area we are diametrically opposed. So, I've hugged her anyway. Joked about it, even told her that maybe I can teach her to enjoy a hug. In effect, I made the entire interaction about me. "If she liked me, she'd hug me." This is obviously not true, but instead of looking to all the ways she shows her friendship, I used this one thing as a litmus test.

Bottom line is that if I am going to become strong, biblical man then I need to be able to remember who God is, face my own fears, and be able to communicate through word and action the purposes of God. That is not a selfish endeavor. In fact, it is considerable other-centered. It is the example left by Christ. Doing the will of God rather than your own will, eyes focused on the things of God rather than the things of man. Submitting to Him. Denying myself.

With women in particular, it means taking words as face value. Being grateful for complements and praise rather than feeling guilty. It means respecting boundaries. For me and my wife, it means that I set boundaries, not withdraw, and do my best to step forward and provide order and security in her world at the level appropriate for a husband. I'm not to be her god, I am to serve her and serve God.

None of this may make sense to whoever is reading this blog. A lot of the thoughts are a combination of stuff I've read, counseling sessions, and a Larry Crabb lecture series. It's a blog so I left a lot undefined. That's OK. Skip on to yesterday's, it is better with a more meaningful title. But in these last few paragraphs I think I figured out why God wanted me to type this out today. My fears have defined more that just my relationship with God. I knew that, but I've just seen how. More than ever I am choosing to trust.

The Wall

During my time in college, there was one requirement that was seemingly universal for all students and it had nothing to do with SAT test, grade point averages or the freshman fifteen. It was ownership of a certain classic album. In the day of CD's, (wow, yet another 'back in my day' story. they are accumulating fast.) this was a double album. On typical college campuses this album was more universal than taking chemistry. It was Pink Floyd's The Wall.

I'll admit that I owned a copy. Listened to it once. Well, ok, I'll be totally honest, I listened to three-quarters of it once. I just didn't get it. The entire thing seemed like just a bunch of nonsense to me. Yet I kept it. Firmly entrenched in my wooden CD rack for all to see. Yes, of course I wanted to meet the requirements to attend college!

The guys who lived below me in the dorm also owned it and listened to it frequently - at least to Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2). They even had some very creative lyrics that I cannot possibly type here.

All and all it's just a...nother brick in the wall.

Now the lyrics loop has started in my head. Just great. This moment in classic rock has been brought to you (and I'm enduring the lyrics loop) so that I could bring up the subject of The Wall, because long before I acted out of my desperation I had him my own wall.

Not that I knew it at the time. After some reading about spiritual formation, it's a descriptor that I've put on my spiritual life in hindsight. The wall. Part of the inner struggle with the emotional stuff we bring to the table when we dine with Christ. Not sure that my emotional stuff was that severe compared to so many others, but that may be why it was so dangerous - crouching their unaddressed because they were not taken seriously. I don't have no stinkin' issues!

Here's the thing that hard experience has taught me about spiritual walls...they don't go away. You can't tunnel under them, jump over them or plow through them. In fact, there is really no way to ignore them. You can pretend to, but your wall (junk, issues, soul damage, or whatever you want to call it) will be there affecting your walk with Christ.

The issues that I was having in my close relationships, but my marriage in particular, brought me up face to face with my wall. I had doubts. Lots of questions of God. Maintaining connection with God was tough. I've since learned that this is a normal and healthy point to be at; part of our spiritual growth. Only I took it that something was wrong. I must be doing the wrong things if my relationship with God was this tough.

So I went back to where I was comfortable, where I felt on solid ground. Back to DOING stuff. Determinedly pressing on. Only I didn't know I was going backward, I just thought I had gotten around my hurdle, my wall. My job as pastor became my identity, especially my spiritual identity. Forming an unhealthy cord of three strands with my job was my expectation of approval and search for intimacy.

That seemed to make things better for awhile. Yet it was still there. Still being ignored. My wall. Little did I realize at the time that the strategy I had developed to ignore the affects of my issues on my relationship was setting me up for crisis. I was perverting the grace of God, creating an idol of my desire for happiness.

You see, the only was to get rid of your wall is to dismantle it. Piece by messy piece. That is what my original discontent was all about. I'd gotten to the edge and I needed to turn my spiritual attention inward. Allow the power of Christ to help you deal with your stuff.

And I missed it by a mile.

I think some of this discomfort at looking at my own stuff came from a misconception that I think is common among Christians. We are told that in Christ we are a new creation. The old is gone and the new is come. With that new creation comes an expectation that our struggles of old, the hurts, the habits, the thought processes all automatically disappear.

More magic pill Christianity. So, when we still struggle or when the old struggles resurface (as they will) we get discouraged. God may be allowing the issue to surface. He wants to work it for our good. Now that we are in Christ we can process it with the mind of Christ. We can be drawn deeper into the arms of God. Instead we refuse this opportunity for God to work good. We cover our shame (Adam and Eve anyone?) and we beat ourselves up for still being damaged. Why wouldn't we be? While God can clearly work miracles without us, in the Bible He usually responds to a step of faith by us.

The old indeed has gone. Old way of thinking. Old way of avoidance. Old way of pursuing our own happiness. Old way of coping with life out of our own strength. All gone. It is replaced by the new. Being in Christ. Taking our burden to Him. Allowing Him into our pain. What has come is the ability for healing, but the issue needs to have light shone on it.

I'd taken the magic pill and I was choking on it. Choking on my expectations and insecurities. Passivity. Retreating in conflict. Fear of rejection. Pride. Fear of disappointing others. Approval addiction. And a distrust of God. That is quite the list. Turns out I had more issues that I imagined.

The good news is that the wall is coming down. Brick by brick. The job is a little taller now because of the damage I did in my crisis. But I am developing the tools to overcome. Brokenness before God. Gratitude. Contentment in Christ. A few close men who can ask me anything and themselves who have to strength to pry. Someone to provide counsel.

I'm looking forward to what is on the other side of the wall.

It Takes Love to Make Love

I was just out walking around the workplace which is fairly typical because I have a hard time sitting still. (During meetings I have to concentrate on not moving my knees or tapping my feet.) One of the secretaries is reading a very popular marriage book that started a conversation between us. In the world of marriage improvement books, there seems to be two broad categories of which this book fell into what I will cleverly call 'category 1' - books that recommend if you are having some marriage struggles, the best thing you can do is meet your spouses needs. Then they will feel loved and hence begin to meet your needs and you will feel loved. Problem solved and it's only page 4!

Well, yes and no. It is definitely not a bad thing to be aware of your spouse's needs. And there is some practical truth to the principle of if you treat others well, they will be more likely to treat you well. A key point that I think 'category 1' books miss is motive. Why are you trying to meet your spouse's needs? If you are meeting needs in order to get a desired response, that boils down to some glorified selfishness. Concern is not really for the spouse's needs nor for the health of the marriage, but only for how you feel.

Sadly 'category 1' marriage books seem to be most generally popular. One reason is probably because they are like a sitcom, and everything is wrapped up and well defined by the end of the book - solutions to your relationship problems in 150 pages or less. Another is desperation, trying anything that claims to work - making the pain go away, (but maybe God wants go to feel the pain). A third is this advice puts you in control of the situation - being your own god.

It is hard to follow the blueprint of these books for very long. Even harder is looking at someone you are counseling, who has been living in a love desert for years, and telling them that the solution is to potentially humiliate themselves for the benefit of someone else who in all truthfulness is probably acting very selfishly also. That is, it is hard if you do not address motive. 'Category 1' books put the cart before the horse.

We could summarize the issue with the following logic statement "If you want to feel loved in your marriage, then you must strive to meet your spouse's needs." But what foolishness. That presupposes that the highest calling in marriage is to have our needs met. And what happens when when your spouse doesn't turn it around? If your behavior is predicated upon getting an expected reaction, then what happens when you don't get what you want? More frustration, more anger and ultimately more distance.

I know because I fell into the trap. Ultimately, my goal was to change my spouse's behavior not to address what was going on in our marriage. Ironically, this is not what I counseled those who came into my office for advice. It is so funny how God is able to use someone as broken as me while I remained blind to what was going on. When someone would come in to talk about their marriage, there was really only one focus that was possible - what was their relationship with God like, because everything flows out of that. If their spouse was unable to love them, I would use that as a teaching point to remind them that we need to connect with God and let him love us.

I'm not sure why that advice was good for others, but not for me. Well, actually I am sure, I was in a weird catch 21, I knew God loved me if things were going well, so to connect with God I needed things to go well, and onward the spiral would go. One of the laughable things about my situation was how good at pastoral care I was. At my worst moment people would ask of me the simple question "What would you tell someone doing the exact same thing as you?" Good grief. Hard to get out of that one; that's another blog.

What is it that many of these popular marriage books miss? Motive. What is the motive of our lives. Is it to be happy (a la following expectations of Jesus rather than Jesus)? Or is it to be a faithful minister of reconciliation? I want the latter to be true of me in my relationship. My wife is not a means to an end. Nor is she a problem to be fixed. She is someone to be loved. An opportunity, given by God, to minister in the name of Jesus.

To do that well, my motive must be addressed. So, in order to reflect a biblical motivation, the previous conditional statement needs to be changed to "If you want to feel loved in your marriage, then you must let God love you." Security comes from experiencing the love of God. He does love us, and demonstrated that through Jesus, and He wants us to live in that knowledge everyday and through everything this world throws at us.

For me, this was the underlying problem. God's love wasn't a reality for me. I knew about it. I could explain it and help others understand it. But I wasn't experiencing it. This wasn't always my experience. But for a variety of reasons, during my season of duress I retreated to a place of comfort. Love as performance and affirmation. That too will be subject of another blog; that'll hopefully keep you coming back for more.

How do you let God love you? Great question, and I think the answer varies somewhat depending upon the individual. For me, it starts with connecting - praying, studying, reading. But not as items to be crossed off a list. Embracing who God made me, rather than who I think He expects me to be. Extending grace to myself when I 'fail' by not living up to my own expectations. Looking for things to be grateful for. Being very intentional about telling myself how I know I can trust God; not letting my trust be dictated by my circumstance (bad or good). Just continuing to tell my story to myself and others. All of these are components of embracing God's love for me.

Among the fruit of experiencing the love of God in my life is that my love for people has returned. I'm not so cynical or hardened. As I walk around campus, I am looking for ways to make a difference in student's and coworker's lives. Not so that I can receive, but so they can know God loves them.

Most importantly, this is changing my marriage. In my wife I see God's gift of ministry. My love for her is coming not from having m needs met through her (although I won't complain!) but from the limitless love that I am enjoying from my savior. Is this easy? No, no, no, and no. I still have moments, but I am more and more able to walk through those moments and process them healthily. I am better able to love my wife, not because of her behavior, but because I am feeling God's love for me. From that comfort and absence of fear, I am able to more selflessly love my wife.

This is the theme of most 'category 2' marriage books. Love for our spouses coming not from what they do for us, but from who we are in Christ. That is a difference I was able to share with the secretary earlier today. From there our conversation turned to how she can overcome her guilt at falling away and turn back to walking with Christ again. I guess there was a reason God gave me restless legs today.

Who's To Blame?

Who knew that Jimmy Buffet was so wise? As the song "Margaritaville" runs it course, Jimmy comes to the following conclusion with the final lyrics of the song "Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I know it's my own damn fault". (Great, now I'll have that song in my head as I go to teach tonight...speaking of which, I can't wait to see if the dude in the front row wears his three inch spiked heals again tonight...never had a cross-dresser in class before.)

Going though the lyrics of his song, it seems Jim is wondering how he ended up wasting away in Margaritaville. Each verse increases his self-reflection. First it's nobody's fault, then it may be his fault, and finally he gets honest enough to confess that he knows it is his own fault. While I was never stuck in Margaritaville, I did have a problem with blame assessment that God has had to deal with.

One of the miracles that God has done for me, really the one that helped to dissolve the anger I felt towards my wife, was poking a hole in my wall of pride that I had built up regarding my marriage. I could never figure out why my wife did not adore me more. Other women obviously would if given the opportunity because I was really an ideal husband, right? I was a very considerate man. Willing to treat my wife like a princess. Of course there were a few things that I wanted in return, but it was all normal husband-wife stuff (and in the Bible!) that I was entitled to.

Thus, I came to the conclusion, as our marriage became more and more dysfunctional that the fault was mainly with my wife. Sure, I had areas to improve upon and so I was generously willing to assess myself around 15% of the blame (that's the mathematician in me). By assigning myself that number I was humbly taking one for the team - marriage is give and take, right? You can see how I was able to fool myself that another relationship was justified.

If she would just do a better job meeting my needs, then our marriage would have been much, much better. In all honesty, and I know this is sounds ridiculous because as I read it looks ridiculous, it never occurred to me to wonder why my wife had no interest in my needs. When she told me I was 'needy' that really stung because my perspective was that I was fully normal. "If having a need was being needy, then I declare that I'm guilty!" was once a reply I had for her. (Where's that considerate husband again?)

Having needs is not wrong. Having the needs was not the problem. Actually, needs are a gift from God that are intended to tie us together, to bind us together in all our relationships. It is that way with our relationship with God, it is that way with family and friends, and it is true about our marriages as well. Of course, God created some very unique needs that can only be met in a marital relationship. So, my desires were not the problem.

The problem was that I was not willing to die to myself for the sake of my wife. Isn't that what Ephesians 5 says? Often I think we look at "gave himself for her" as referring only to Christ's sacrificial death so we think, yeah I'd take a bullet in the place of my wife. But was I willing to give myself up for her? To humble myself for her? Deny my position and desires for her? To take the worst she had to dish out and still love her with abandon? Isn't that also what Christ did? It seems I wasn't willing to become selfless, putting her needs alongside my own in the relationship. The evidence that I didn't become selfless was that my God given needs became expectations of her behavior.

That's what she meant by neediness. Since success in my relationships was tied to performance, I had hung the weight of performance on my wife. Rather than creating a relational environment where my wife felt loved no matter what, it created a great burden for her - for no matter what she did, no matter what small steps toward improvement she would make, it was never enough. It is true that I didn't have a record of wrongs (how unbiblical would that be!), but I did have a record of what-you're-not-doing-rights. I was willing to go the extra mile for a couple thousand people at church, but I wasn't willing to lovingly minister to my wife. No wonder she was jealous of my job - it got the best of my love.

All of this to say that the needs that God intended to be a point of connection and intimacy for my wife and me spiraled down into points of division and alienation. Yes I was lonely. Yes I wasn't respected or desired. No there wasn't an emotional or physical connection between us. But she was longing for those things as well, and I had done nothing but create a barrier between us. I justified my passivity as giving my wife space to work through her issues, but it really just gave me an excuse to throw a pity party, say that I've done all I could, and develop other attachments to work, friends, and finally to someone else.

When Adam and Eve sinned, it is often justified that it was Eve's 'fault' because she listened to the serpent and bit the apple. It was her actions that caused the fall. But Adam was right there. Adam stood passively silent. Adam watched everything go down in flames. He had apple juice on his chin, then passed the blame. Sounds almost exactly like what happened in my marriage. Yet, Genesis says that God "called to the man" to see what happened. The relationship was his responsibility. My eyes have been opened that the same is true for me.

Great Expectations

The Bible character that I have identified with most during the recovery phase of my spiritual journey has been Peter. Of course, right? Everyone picks a good character. No one ever wants to be Judas or Ananias. Kind of reminds me of one of Kevin Costner's lines in the movie Bull Durham "How come everyone was someone famous in their previous life?" Only, I don't identify with Peter because of his successes, I could only hope to be a millionth the follower of Christ that he was, but because of the relatability of his failures.

In my mind now is the moment of Peter's denial. As he is being questioned around the fire about being a follower of Jesus who is now standing trial in a courtyard within Peter's view. Truth is, Peter was not a follower of THIS Jesus. Peter was not following a guy who was going off to die. As evidenced in the garden a few hours earlier, Peter was ready for a fight - he was a follower of Jesus the conqueror. The one who was going to free Israel from Rome and restore her to greatness among the nations.

Peter was following his expectations of Jesus. Probably all the disciples were. Maybe that is why Jesus was still so frustrated with them and why the twelve were having problems understanding the teaching of Jesus about why He was going to Jerusalem. It was hard to understand because that was not at all what these dudes were expecting.

I did this. And I don't think I am nearly the only one. Some start on their way with Christ following expectations rather than reality. Prosperity teaching makes sure that many are ripe for a quick let down. But others, like me, fall into following their expectations rather gradually - almost imperceptibly - until frustration begins to set in. As I've said before, for me God was someone to be pleased. The way my life was going indicated how well I was doing spiritually. And I then made the gradual shift to following my expectations rather than following Jesus.

It goes something like this - if I'm doing what I should, my marriage will work out and provide me happiness. If I'm doing what I should, then I'll get more opportunities to speak and teach. Peace in my home, a wife who expressly loves and respects me, growing opporunities for ministry, affirmation and approval, these were some of the expectations that I was following. It was pride. That was my root sin. I had traded the truth of Christ for the lie of my expectations. It wasn't health and wealth, but it was definitely a subtler form of prosperity.

That's the lie. Fathered by Satan, that life in Christ will be everything you want it to be. That you can have your cake and eat it too. There is a way to avoid the testing of your faith by trial and refining by fire. I bit on the lie and made my own way, and when things continued to fall short of my expectations I played God and made up my own rules. Lack of trust in God. Pride gone wild.

Christ paints a different picture. This life will have trials, this world will hate us for following him, following him will bring division in our families and relationships, those without the spirit won't understand us, we have to deny ourselves and take up or cross, there will be thorns in the flesh - that doesn't sound like the life of fulfilled worldly expectations.

I knew that. I used to counsel people about their sufferings leading to perseverance leading to character leading to hope. Hope in Christ was not what I was clinging to, it was rather hope in my expectations. Misplaced hope can do nothing but disappoint.

Peter eventually learned this. We all know what history says - he was crucified upside down; he shouted encouragement to his wife as she was lead to her death. Sounds like a guy who overcame his expectations and followed Jesus. Not because of what Jesus could do, but because of what He already had done - dying for his sins, so he could have reconcilliation with God and eternity with Him in heaven. Gratitude for what matters most.

I am grateful for God's love and for second chances (and for third and fourth chances too!). It has taken alot for me to get my perspective back in line - I have had to lose (or better stated, throw away) everything that I thought mattered so that I could see that God is enough - in fact, that He is the only thing. Although it tries to rear its ugly head, my pride has been replaced by brokenness and a first-hand understanding that I am dependent upon God. That makes me grateful for everything even when it's not what I expected.

Medicating the Pain

Today I have been reflecting on some of the events and interactions of the last year. Not looking back as Lot's wife did, but trying to sort through some of what I was thinking and feeling. How could it possibly be that throwing everything away seemed like a rational choice to deal with my circumstances? While I can remember the thought process, none of it makes much sense to me.

Now I know that none of you reading this can relate to this analogy, but I'll throw it out there anyway. It's like being at a party on a Friday night with a lot of people you don't know. The more you drink, the friendlier things become. Until at just the right point of intoxication you become best friends for life with complete strangers. (You're the coolest guy I ever met!) In the moment no one could convince you that you are drunk or that the decisions you are making are impaired (I can drive!), but the next morning you wake up and don't remember why that trip to Krystal at 3:30 am seemed so pressing and proper. (Not that I am describing one of innumerable evenings of mine in college.) The next day you forget the names of your new best friends and even why they seemed like friends at all.

That was me in my sin. A good friend to my wife described the situation to her exactly like this and I completely agree with the analogy. "He's drunk in his sin; he's not thinking right." Yes, that was true. (Please don't take the drunkenness analogy as me trying to pass of blame. Anything but, every drunk makes a choice to drink.)

Why do people get drunk? Why is it that someone will put themselves totally in the control of something else? Whether the choice is alcohol, drugs, porn, physical brutality, gambling, making money, hoarding power, or having an affair - the bottom line is everything on that list and more have the same effect. The pain that the person is feeling gets medicated or deadened. It is a way to cope.

There really are several issues here. One is: where was God? How was it that I, a beloved pastor, turned so completely away. I've alluded to that before, but I'll return to that in another entry soon. For now, we'll turn away from my lack of trust in the God for whom I was ministering. Also for the moment, we'll overlook that everything on that list is an idol, a substitution for God, a way to be one's own god and 'solve' the problems of life's circumstances without Him.

Here I want to ask the question: what was the source of my hurt? what was it that I was trying to cover up with the substitute for God? Cheap forgiveness. In the primary relationship in my life I was being sinned against. Never did I really take the time to process my disappointment and grief. It turned to hurt that I suppressed. Keeping up appearances, remember. I wanted everyone to think things were OK. Part of me was stuck in the thought process "if I were a good Christian, I wouldn't be lonely or depressed. I shouldn't have these marriage problems. I should be able to repress my desires for physical affection and respect." So I'd just try harder and not let anyone see what was going on.

Without truly processing what was going on, the best I could say was "I forgive my wife." But I didn't mean it. How could I? I didn't even know what I was forgiving. My broken thoughts were that what I was feeling was wrong. Forgiveness makes it right. Then I could move on. Problem was, feelings don't always change as easily as you can mouth the words. My mask didn't give God the room to work the miracle of forgiveness. So the hurt just mounted.

In addition to those around me, my mask also shut out God. Remember, for me He was one to be pleased. When things didn't improve by my efforts I attributed it to his unanswered prayer or displeasure with my performance. More failure. More downward thought spiral. Throughout, I refused to let God deal with me in my grief for my marriage. That would have been revealing my weakness, being vulnerable, and facing my fears. So there was nowhere to turn with my hurt.

For her part, my wife was not interested in fixing things either - her reasons were different. That became my battle cry. This is her fault. She won't follow. She won't appreciate me. She won't...she won't...she won't...and on and on. To tell the truth, no matter what I did, godly or not, she may not have responded. But her response is not for me to control. It is also not an excuse for what I did because I could never have forseen what a godly response from me looked like. For my mask was affixed so tightly that I had shut myself out.

Notice my battle cry. She won't...she won't...she won't...all very self-centered declarations. Sure I'd help out around the house, spend time at home, and plan time together. But it was out of a selfish motive to get what I desired. It was not an authentic expression of love or forgiveness. I didn't really, authentically look at me. What kind of follower of Christ was I? What kind of husband was I? What kind of head of my family was I? In my hurt and desire to maintain appearances I had lost the ability to accurately perceive myself. Not everything was my wife's fault. Not by a long shot. I hadn't given her anything to respond to except my neediness; nor was I able to forgive her. Looking at me would not have worked until I had processed my hurt and anger.

Instead I medicated my pain. Fortunately, I follow a God who works miracles. He who can get water from a stone can also make good from our bad. I am living proof that God still works miracles and can change everything about the way you think and what or whom you put your trust in. Healing takes time, but God is faithful and patient.

You Just Have to Remove Three Screws

One of the evidences that I am getting older is that a number of "in my day" and "remember when" stories have started to creep into my arsenal. This occurred to me yesterday as I was trying to process the events of my late afternoon.

Remember when washing machines were fairly simple? A cylinder that was filled with water spun lazily one way then another and when the water was ready to be emptied the cylinder spun really, really fast to utilize marvelous centrifugal force to get the water out the drain. Pretty straight forward stuff. We had one of those for 12 years and I got to the point that I could diagnose and fix basic mechanical problems like a worn out clutch element.

Someone in the washing machine biz must have realized that this was a problem and billions of dollars in repair bills were being lost, so someone, somewhere in Japan invented the front loading washing machine. We have one. I'll admit, it has more buttons than my laptop, so as a guy I am immediately attracted to this device. Only problem is that it takes a PhD in mechanical engineering to fix - or so I've learned. Now to get the water out there is a complex pump at the bottom of the machine that spits the water against gravity to that drain they put halfway up the wall in all of our houses. Almost like gravity was a challenge to overcome rather than a helpful tool.

To give you a little context, the reason that we have a front loading washing machine is that my wife has OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder. It is a condition that she has developed as a way to order her world; providing comfort and control as a response to relational distress and chaos. OCD can take on many forms but for my wife it is particularly evident in the area of cleanliness and laundry. Before the crisis event in our lives last year, we used to joke about her neatness and laundry habit. Actually, by joking I mean that I deferred my super frustration with how much this meant to her by making jokes. Trying to appear like it didn't matter. Wearing a mask. Yet, inside I was lonely and not understanding why I was last on the list of priorities.

One of the pieces of good that God was able to work in the past year was getting my wife's attention that there was a lot of stuff in her past that she'd not worked through or even addressed and compulsions like the laundry were her way of putting a safe distance between us and also between her and God. She didn't know that. I didn't know that. Problem was that ignorance was not bliss, and my resulting behavior because of my loneliness, rejection and feeling disrespected caused me to play right into her insecurities. Vicious cycle. More of my failings in this area are sure to burst forth in future blogs.

While I now understand what is going on in my wife, that doesn't always make it any easier to respond to. For me that takes constant self talk and thinking through situations in a way that, right now, is unnatural for me. God made me good at relating to people in general, yet this is a stretch. Worth it in every way. Showing my love for her and being other-centered means that I need to make every effort to understand the trial of her world. Because this is still a process that I have to think through in each moment, times of stress become exceptionally hard.

So, I am still processing what I will call the front loading washing machine incident. (Not a catchy title, but effective.) Two days ago the machine stopped running, flashed an error message (told you it was cool!) and locked the front door. Good thing none of us had crawled in there, it self-locked when there was a problem much like the computer HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Thankfully we had purchased the warranty and a repairman would be out the next day. For my wife, here is where the stress starts. A repairman....in the laundry room....is he a smoker?....will he take off his shoes....is he sick?....and many, many more troublesome thoughts. None is this is meant to mock her, this is very real stress. So far, I have done good. Listened with eye contact. Comforted when necessary. Assured that when she wipes the machines down they will be clean again. Probably not a perfect job by me, but it was genuine and I'm improving. She needs to know that I love her no matter what; that she can be secure in my love regardless of whether or not this is how I would choose to react.

Repairman comes while I am visiting a friend in Orlando. Success. New pump. He is a non-smoker. Kept his tools very clean. Picked up. She was happy. I was relieved and hoping that I had built up a little trust in this mini-crisis. To celebrate I listen to the Bellamy Brothers' "Let Your Love Flow" real loud three times in a row on my drive home. Home is where chaos ensues.

Disaster. The new pump leaks. There is water on the floor. Repairman will not come back until approved by the warranty people. But hope flows in from the internet and I'm greeted at the door by "Scott, you just have to remove three screws and we can see what the problem is!" My wife is so beautiful and my heart was warmed that she thought I could do this that I actually checked out the website and said to myself "it is just three screws" and I agreed. Pride strikes again.

Every husband just wants the respect of his wife. This has been a long standing struggle in our marriage. Feeling inadequate sucks and happens to be one of my three fears as a man (in this I'm not unique.) So I squeeze into the laundry room - room being a term I use loosely. Big man in a small space! As I lose feeling in my legs I spy the three screws. But wait, there are a bunch of pipes here as well. No problem to remove those, right? Wrong. Water, water everywhere. With no pump, gravity takes over. I really should have known this. The gush of water and me with a coffee cup trying to catch it all. I am losing. To make matters worse, I gashed the top of my hand directly into a vein. Water everywhere and I am bleeding like a garden hose with a hole in it.



Now all I can hear is my wife hyperventilating. Poor woman. Blood on the washer and dryer. Water soaking into the flooring that now needs to be replaced. Dirty, wet towels everywhere. Nothing will make you feel less adequate that knowing you did this and now your wife is literally hyperventilating because of it. Self talk is now gone and I am reacting out of my hurt. She says "all this mess in my laundry room" and I say "I'm doing the best I can" and on and on and on. It was really much worse a scene that I'm describing, but I am way, way long here.

Her OCD is hard for me to understand. I do understand what it is and why it is there. But I don't necessarily "get" it. It is not a choice for her. Hopefully it will diminish as she works through her issues with God, with me, and some others, but it may not. Either way, what IS a choice is my reaction. My pride was hurt and in that moment I became self-centered. I wanted her to think of me and affirm me. Back to my old patterns and I reacted out of my hurt. Rather than offering compassion and security I probably made her feel like she was defective and a bother. Someone who can only be loved if she performs well or doesn't trouble me. I used to do that a lot. When my expectations weren't met (and they rarely were) I became needy. Reacting out of my hurt. Only offering love when I felt like I got what I needed.


My motivation was not love for my wife, but rather love for myself.


As I've processed the events of yesterday, I do see that stress was the key factor. Because of the added stress of the moment I reverted back. It has felt good to be free of that old behavior, but yesterday was a reminder that it takes constant work. Loving my wife well must become a second nature and that takes time. I am learning, but slowly. Another bit of learning that I've internalized - God doesn't love me less for my failures as a husband (or as a repairman), in fact I think He is pleased with what I'm learning and in becoming the man He designed me to be. It's a process, part of working out my salvation.


Oh, also learned that next time I will wait for the repairman.

Hitting the Guardrails

I have been known as a guy who can hit guardrails. If during a meeting someone would tell me that I was being too loud, then I would (loudly) declare that I would no longer be speaking. Some of this was for show, yet some of this had an internal component too. While the emotional guardrails had been present with me for a long time, more and more they were becoming evident in my behavior. If I didn't enter the work environment with brashness, jokes, hugs and clever greetings then people would go on alert that something was wrong.

This began happening more and more frequently. When asked I would make a joke that everyone could stand down the 'suicide watch', that I just wanted to be quiet, couldn't I just act like a normal guy one day. That would at least satiate people's expressed concern. Trouble was, something was wrong.

Yesterday, my wife and I were talking about our days, and as we were chatting I told her that for the past few weeks I have just felt happy. It wasn't something that I was trying to achieve, it just WAS and it felt great. That used to be my 'normal', just a happy and content guy. (Although, in my previous 'normal' the happiness had more to do with people liking me, but it was at least not a battle to maintain a state of happiness.)

Now I know that some people will read this and think that I am missing the point, happiness is not our goal. Trust me, lesson learned, I know this. I'm not living for a feeling. Feelings are deceptive, they will change and diminish. I have lived in slavery to my feelings and I feel qualified to make the distinction. So maybe my word choice is not great, after all I am trying to blog and I don't want this to be overly scripted. Maybe what is going on would be better conveyed through words like joyful, confident, grateful, forgiven, secure, or maybe it is all those rolled into one.

What I am driving at is this is not a matter of a happiness because something good has happened to change my circumstance. In fact, much of my circumstance is still in confusion. Many of my relationships are still very damaged and there is a community of people that still have a perception of my fallen legacy. I have no guarantees of being the perfect husband or father, of having the perfect marriage, of having the ministry that my soul longs for daily, or of so many other things. But that is not the stuff that matters.

No longer do I continually battle the inner turmoil that I had been. Looking to my circumstances and the fulfillment of my expectations to define the quality of my relationship with God. It used to be that criticisms or deficiencies left an open wound of hurt in me. Loneliness consumed me in my marriage as my wife was battling with my expectations (and losing) and had baggage of her own that she was fighting to avoid. In a gathering with some friends last night, we declared "We are messed up!" So funny to hear us declare the obvious - at least we were laughing instead of crying or yelling.

It is ironic that running from or masking your fears makes you so much more likely to be hurt by them. That was one of my growing problems, I was a slave to my mask and who I wanted others to think I was. My guardrails became more frequent because this was getting harder and harder to maintain. Happiness now comes from embracing the freedom that Christ gives. Trusting God with my fears. Accepting His grace to not be absolutely perfect in everything that I do.

I just laughed as I hit the enter key at the end of the previous line. That seems so simple. It used to frustrate me when an author would make such a simple statement and move on. In fact, I once was so pissed off at a particular book I kept yelling "yes, I want that" while circling the offensive paragraph in the book. I ended up circling a hole through about 100 pages. Oh well, what's fifteen bucks when you're having so much fun.

This is the place I expected to be when I started typing awhile ago. But if you are not just walking the journey with me, but are rather looking for hope and happen to see a glimmer of yourself in anything I've said in this or some other post, please don't give up. I know. It's frustrating and I'm not going to leave the story there. To be able to talk about freedom, trust and grace has been an exhausting and painful process that I'll dive deep into in our times together. I used to have all the knowledge in my head, but there was a disconnect with my heart, which became the most frustrating thing of all. Why was God so far away and so quiet? Turns out the problem was with me and not God. Go figure.

The Rest of the Story

In the car over the weekend I was quizzing my daughter about history for her upcoming test. George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Robert E. Lee, et. al. and the power of stories just continues to strike me. Discord in our society seems to increase the more we erase from our minds and schools the stories of our country. The thing that united us - the stories of the founding of this country and its rise to greatness. Jesus said (and Lincoln repeated) that a house divided against itself cannot stand. How long until that catches up with us?

While some of those musings occupied my mind for a few moments, I again came back to the affect of the stories we tell - especially those we begin to tell ourselves. Internally dividing our own house. I am guilty of beginning to spiral downward just a couple weeks ago. While healing in my marriage is happening steadily, I would also say that the pace is not what I was hoping for. Looking back over the past few weeks I can say - slow and steady wins the race. Better to rebuild slowly and have the work done solidly and properly than to have quick construction reminiscent of the typical Florida home.

But, such a conclusion was exactly what I was able to begin talking myself out of. After a couple of minor interactions that didn't meet my expectations (how subtly I can make a goal for my wife's behavior) some new refrains began to appear in my stories. Rather than "how can I use this interaction to show her I love her" or "how can I respond out of godly masculinity", I began to focus on me. For me it becomes to easy to describe how good I am doing compared to her. "Obviously she is not trying" or "she is making a decision to not forgive me" and just like that my stories begin to focus on me.

Rather than seeing the amazing process of God at work - the tender hugs, shared happiness over an opportunity I have received, glimmers of respect - and rejoicing in gratitude, I become blind to those things because of where my stories have led me. On a much, much smaller scale, this is the epitome of what happened in the previous 10 years of marriage leading up to my affair. Becoming more and more blind to the things of God - hardening my own heart.

Good news, though, I am learning! This only lasted a couple days. Slow as it may be. God has broken me all the way down, like taking a Yugo engine apart, and is rebuilding me - and when He does it, instead of a refurbished Yugo I'll have the soothing sound of a V8 Chevy Silverado. While it is hard not to resist the process, I am giving him freedom to create a new me: follower of Jesus, husband, father, and hopefully pastor again someday.

Rather than imperfections being cause to flee from God, I am not scared to run to Him with my failures. Responding to conviction. Having a sensitivity to the things of God because I am not trying to impress Him with what a great dude I am. This is part of my being on guard, staying alert and being a man of courage. Letting God mold me into a man of courage will be the thing that continues to transform my marriage and everything else.