The Lie

We are told by Christ that we are to deny ourselves. But what does that mean? Is it just an exercise in changing our behavior, like picking the bad fruit off our tree in order to deny its existence? What of the teaching that bad fruit indicates a bad tree?

Shedding the light of Christ on our lives is more than just an exercise in getting my behaviors to match his. As if He is the jello mold that I must stuff the ugly mess of my life into. That belittles Christ, creating an example to be followed - the proverbial good teacher that we are more comfortable dealing with.

Christ is Savior. He is Redeemer. He is into restoration.

What creates bad fruit is a bad tree. That is the miracle of Christ - He changes trees. If we let him, submit ourselves and open ourselves to Him. Examining our hearts, taking a journey inward, is not about narcissism, but about understanding, denial and the light of the King.

Maggie Scarf has an amazing book on family systems that is related to this discussion. In Intimate Worlds she examines the Beavers System Model, which is an assessment of family functioning. The Beavers System measures behavior on a scale of 1 (being optimal) to 5 (being the family dictated by their pain).

What is so interested about the discussion of family systems is that Scarf makes clear that each system is created by adults that come into the system with, and also creates in its offspring, rules which they live by. A life 'truth' if you will.

Whether the members of the system are aware of the rules at a conscious level or not, they are propagated throughout the system. For most of us, this becomes the feeding ground of the false self. It is the lie that we believe; the very lie that helps to produce the bad fruit we are spending so much effort trying to control.

We are born into a broken world. They system that we are in continues to break us. Instead of putting Humpty Dumpty back together again, he is stepped on a further cracked. Mind you, in our families, this is usually not intentional. Most parents do not try to hurt their kids, they were raised in a system too. This is not a blame game, it is an awareness issue.

I'll use myself as a case in point. My lie was "I have to earn my needs being met, but ultimately someone else will deserve it more." So, I was a people pleaser. Earning my affirmation. I did the 'right' things and looked the 'right' way so that I could earn God's favor (and hence, I guess, my salvation). In my marriage, since someone else always deserves it more, I became passive. This lie that I was not aware of and had not formulated was holding me captive. Combating the fruit was futile, I had to address the tree.

Once you know the lie, you can substitute the truth. Moreover, you can experience the freedom of the truth because you know what to deny. You know how the enemy will attack. Struggles will remain as the two natures or our new self and false self battle, but we will improve at fighting the battle.

Then, in our followship, we can move beyond infantile obedience of doing something because we are supposed (where we all start), and proceed into the freedom to obey because we have exchanged the lie for the truth of God in Christ.

Indigestion

When my daughter was much younger, we used to be consumed by the four man children's group The Wiggles. We owned every one of their albums and videos. Three years in a row we went to their concerts when they passed through the area. (I am convinced the last year had nothing to do with my daughter and everything to do with my wife's love for the group.) The Wiggles all wore different color outfits and one year we all made our own shirts, one of each color, with home made iron-on decals on the front. I'd show you the picture, but then it'd go viral, I'm pretty sure.

One of the members of the group loved to eat. That was his special ability. (He was also the thinnest member, how was that possible?) His theme song started with the words "Food, food, wonderful food, to eat forever is my favorite wish!" How lovable. Unless desire for food becomes more than just enjoying the flavors and smells.

I am overweight. Always have been. Husky. I carry it fairly well, can perform in athletics, but it is becoming more and more evident to my belt. As for food, I do love the taste. Yet, I have also always noticed that in times of relational stress or dissatisfaction that I tend to load up on the sweets, crackers and chips. Like a high-carb nervous habit.

Recently, as part of my journey inward, I took a spiritual inventory. It summed me up pretty good. Almost too good; I do hate to be typecast. While I was reading the brief outline of characteristics of my type (and feeling like I was reading some of my blog posts) I happened to notice a link to "common addictions for your type". Not really feeling like I'm given to an addition (I'm not in a 12 step program after all), I clicked the link just so I could prove to myself that I wasn't completely predictable. Here's what it said...

Abusing food and over-the-counter medications. Bingeing, especially on sweets and carbohydrates. Over-eating from feeling "love-starved."

I almost spit the Parmesan cheese crackers out of my mouth that I was eating (Pepperidge farms makes these amazing crackers with Italian herbs and four cheeses on them....oh wait, hang on, trying NOT to be predictable here). Now, while over-the-counter meds are not my thing (and I shall definitely be avoiding them), the rest is dead on bull's eye. I abuse food, primarily when I feel love starved. Which has been often. So I've been on this weight roller coaster. I manage to lose some, but my relational system has not changed, so they come back (and bring friends, just like demons).

This has been an amazing internal realization for me. There is a tangible parallel between my emotional well being and my weight. God's timing in this realization is so completely perfect.

With my spiritual advisor last week, we were talking about relationships as I approach the time of coming out of the desert. She observed that God has used this time to carve out a large empty space within me and queried as to how I was going to fill it. In the last year and a half I've carefully laid a foundation of God within this space. Reserving it for Him, a place for He and I to meet.

It is with caution that I need to get back into the swing of ministry. After the extended time of fasting, it would be almost expected to gorge. To try to be the friend of everyone, to try to prove myself to anyone who would notice - to take a step back into my former people-pleasing ways.

When I was describing this to my advisor, before any of this addiction to carbs chatter started, I used the image of having the choice of two plates - one filled with french fries, and the other a heaping salad - the former filled with the things that will satisfy only briefly and the latter filled with the things of God. Literally, the image I used was a foreshadow of our conversation later.

Carbs are easily digestible. They feel good; they give an instant kick; they feel comfortable. But carbs don't nourish and they don't satisfy. In fact, when I eat a bunch of fries or crackers or m&m cookies, I only want more. That is such a picture of the people-pleaser. People's affirmation doesn't nourish the soul. Pleasing people doesn't last. It is a cycle of having to work harder to receive less and less, of eating more and more to quiet the loveless feeling.

The bridge here is my spiritual life. As I alluded to earlier, the timing of this realization is perfect (well, it is Christmas and there are lots of cookies, so it is big picture perfect). My craving for sweets can function as a thermometer for my feelings of love. A 'love-meter' of sorts. I can use those moments to remind myself that God loves me, Jesus died for me, the Spirit lives in me. In my weakness, God can be strong. I can continue to fill myself with the things of God rather than the images of love and approval that are the world's and won't last.

Am I filling up with the things of God or the Salad can be a spiritual reminder! The truth is that my relational system IS different. If for no other reason than I am different. But, it is still good to have a reminder of the discipline it takes to make good choices - with food, relationally, and spiritually. But, God's grace gets to shine through, because when I slip and eat a chocolate covered caramel Santa, I know that God still loves no matter how I perform. Grace and effort in tension. Grace will win every time.

Love Is a Battlefield

Pat Benatar penned a song with those lyrics. In her song, she is talking about young lovers standing together against the heartaches of life. You can sense the desperation of her tone when you hear the song, almost like she is living in the anticipation that eventually something will come along to drive them apart.

Love being a battlefield reminds me of the church. If I am going to be completely honest with you, reader, then I have to say that through my experience of the last year, having to rely on God, having lost everything and being slowly restored, - like biblical Job or what the mystics would call having an experience of the Paschal Mystery - I can say that I truly understand the grace of God. My experience with it has been personal and life changing.

Before all of this I would have said that I understood grace. I would have been able to present God's grace to someone in a compelling way. (God's Riches At Christ's Expense! How clever!) But, I don't think lived my own spiritual life, or many times my interactions with people, in the authentic understanding of grace. Rather than believing that God loves me so that I can change, I effectively believed that God will love me if I change. Often, my treatment of people, or lack of compassion for them, what guided by this belief.

Brennan Manning has observed that the "church has become a wounder of the healers rather than a healer of the wounded." From my own experiences both given and received, this seems largely accurate. Richard Rohr notes it this way, that the majority of religion is more concerned with rituals, moralities, and group conformity rather than knowing ourselves and how the self that was created by God can relate to Him. So we tell people Jesus is the answer (which of course He is, but we leave it very nebulous what that means practically, probably because most don't know themselves), sin no more, get in a Bible study, and serve somewhere. That becomes the entry into the spiritual battle of most.

Love is a battlefield.

The spiritual life is a battle. Jesus demonstrated that. The Bible pictures it. Yet I think it is something the church forgets. Forgets that in a battle there are casualties. No one's spiritual path is going to be without hurts or setbacks. That is the reality of living in a fallen world and coming up against an enemy that rages to take as many as he can to their doom.

So on our battlefield, we shoot our own. Offering condemnation and arrogance. On our battlefield, we leave our wounded. Obviously they were not authentic or else they wouldn't have struggled and fallen. The body is supposed to offer comfort from the comfort we've received. God freely offers his grace and mercy and we are to do likewise.

I've always taken the teaching that "if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward" as literal water. I'm sure that is true. But is it possible that Jesus is talking about the living water of himself, his refreshing grace and his comforting mercy that we are also to offer his disciples? Certainly that is a legitimate possibility.

Living in the grace of God is changing my view of people and what they need, and I hope to be able to pass that perspective on to others as they walk their own journey and participate in the spiritual battle.

Thank you God for your never ending grace that has been greater than all the approval that I could receive from pleasing others. It has helped me break free of the bondage and lies of my fears. It has helped me not to be overcome by the awareness of my core sin, but to use that awareness to admit my dependency on the One Who Is Greater. It compels me to not repeat the patterns of my relational system. Grace is guiding me to strength and greater trust in the Most High. It is leading me on my journey toward living the life of love. All for Jesus.

Finishing the Edge of the Puzzle

I am not much of a puzzle builder. Takes far too much patience. I really like activities in which progress is steady and noticeable, not hunting for something that may or may not have the color/pattern/shape/shading that you are looking for only to be continually disappointed when things don't fit. The one part of the process that I did enjoy was the edge. As a kid, I was good at sorting through, finding all the flat pieces and building the frame. Progress. Then I'd leave the interior for my mom and sister.

On my spiritual journey, I am sometimes forlorn that progress in me is not quicker. More noticeable to me. That I am still so bad at being a husband and abandoning my passivity. A friend of my, in a moment of encouragement that worked, told me that I am like a person who has been miraculously spared from a medical condition, like a stroke. Now, though, I am doing the tough, painful, exhausting job of rehabilitation. Learning new behaviors, moving beyond the awkwardness of thinking through every decision, and breaking the mold that was the old relational system that I was comfortable with.

The past couple weeks, things have really been starting to fit together. It's like something I read or was counseled a few months ago suddenly clicks into place and I'm able to actualize it, not just understand it in theory. Things like sharing my inner life. Expressing my vulnerability and what God is doing with me. Being an encourager. Not being demanding, but communicating my needs and desires. Not walking away from the conflict, but making attempts to lead through. Other stuff. All of which may seem simple to you. But for a passive guy who fears rejection and disappointing others, these are monumental steps. This is my Wall. My journey to strength is taking me through my Wall.

When I was a kid, I had this Atari game (by the way, the Atari 2600 rocked. one button. one controller. hours of fun shooting tanks, racing cars, swinging on vines, slaying dragons. i would love to have an Atari 2600 with Pitfall! and Adventure to go home to. and a cup of hot chocolate. and three feet of snow so i could stay in and play...........) Sorry, retreated back to my childhood there. Anyway, the game was called Yars' Revenge. In it you were a bug shaped space ship and you had to kill the mother ship which was behind a wall. Two ways to destroy the wall, shoot it or (since you were a bug) eat it. Well, I could never figure out how to kill the mother ship, so for me all the fun was eating the wall. Kinda lame. Now that I think of it, why didn't the mother ship die when I shot it or ran into it? There was literally nothing else you could do in the game.

Anyway, I'd eat the wall. Piece by piece until I could get through. That's how my Wall is now on this journey. Ignoring it helped lead me to my place of downfall. Only way to deal with the wall is to take it apart, piece by piece. You can't leap over it, ram through it, go around it. The Wall is the Wall and you have to either deal with it or run away from it. Before I didn't have the tools to deal with it or someone who could lead me on the journey. Now I have both.

(Lots of tangents today. If you are reading this, and struggling and wanting to know what to do. Begging for a step, something to relieve the pain. My suggestion, in love, is to go see a counselor. Put the pride on hold and get some counseling. Either professionally or a well trained lay person. Issues don't just magically go away. They come back and bring seven friends.)

The latest part of the wall that I am removing, a remnant from the people pleasing pattern, is differentiating between loving/accepting and indulging. Acknowledging crises as they pop up, empathizing, strategizing, but not giving into the demands. It takes effort and truth to change a system, especially one that has had 15 years to cement itself. In the past, giving in has felt to me like I'm loving her, and it has felt like love to her. But it isn't. It's enabling (how come I can identify that in every other person on the planet, but think it is healthy in me?).

People naturally resist change. Change is uncomfortable. Resistance to me, to my new, healthy behaviors is going to make me feel like I am unloving. Which takes me to puzzle piece number two for the week - proceeding through. That's the piece of the wall. Maybe the biggest piece yet. Maybe the biggest piece there is. Not backing away passively from resistance. But continuing through, having compassion for my wife's woundedness, loving her by walking alongside through her struggles, but providing a path. Being her guide. Helping her see around the corner when she cannot.

I've never said this on my blog, always thought it was assumed - but, I love my wife. A lot. I love being with her. I always loved her before I went crazy, but after my miracle it was like the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And I had all the love of ten Grinches, plus two. I love my wife. And I am so sorry that I wasn't better equipped to be her husband. That is changing, better late than never.

What's on the other side of the wall? What happens when the pieces of the puzzle fit together? I am told the life of love awaits. I don't mean that in some romantic, Hollywood, fairy tale, happily ever after kind of way. I mean life of love in that loving others well without thought of myself is just the natural expression of who I am. It is Jesus not just living in me, but through me. It is channeling God's love for me to other people. The overflow. It is being a light and no one can see the bulb.

I'm not there yet. But I'm closer that I was last week. Maybe I've finished the edge of the puzzle.

A Bad Metaphor

My birthday is tomorrow. I can honestly say that in my life there is nothing material that I want. Oh, I could give you a list of some books and I always enjoy a new shirt, but there is really nothing that I'm sitting around pining for. On a car ride this weekend (we do a lot of driving) I was joking with my wife about birthday gifts and told her that I measure how much I mean to people by what they get me as a gift. The comment was totally a joke - I think I heard it on a TV show or something, but it has struck me how relevant that comment was to be for me.

It wasn't until I got to the end of Blue Like Jazz that I pieced it all together. As donald miller is wrapping up his book, he describes how he came to the realization that his thinking on love was all wrong. When he was confronted with the metaphorical language our culture uses for love and relationships it becomes clear that, to us, they are a commodity, a product of our consumer society.

We invest in relationships.

We value people.

We build relational equity.

People can be morally bankrupt.

We make deposits in relational accounts.

My spouse is priceless (or a treasure).

You may describe someone as worthless.

Relationship have become economic. As such, we judge them by the payoff they we get from them. In this model, I'll choose to give or withhold my love based on what I'm getting out of the relationship. Think about it, if time is money - and that is part of the belief system that we have - then time I spend with someone has an economic implication. So, I will be inclined to spend time with or build into people who will produce for me, who will give me a return on my investment.

Conversely, I will withhold myself in relationship in which I'm not getting a good return. Those that are not meeting MY needs. Those that are not meeting my expectations or helping me climb the ladder of success. So withholding become a form of communication. "You don't measure up." "Give me what I want and I'll give back." "You're not worth it."

Those may or may not be the intentional messages, but I'm pretty certain that those would be the perceptions of the other, the person who is not experiencing a scarcity of attention or affection in the relationship. Looking back, I was very good at this. Pride, remember? Relationships had a definite purpose to validate me or meet a need. That's why there are people pleasers - it's not about the other, it's about self.

There were lots of relationships that I manipulated like a stock broker. Buying and selling depending upon what I was getting. Especially with my wife. Being a man with passive tendencies, I would withdraw from contact. Withhold expressions of love (unless they were physical), mope around, invest my time elsewhere where I would feel worth.

While it didn't cure me totally, my Miracle showed me the error of my unforgiveness and pride. My wife (and others) were not at my disposal or intended for my validation. But something that underlies all this, all this withholding, is a realization that our love, affection, and friendship has influence. Our love for people has the power to make or break them.

We've all heard the expression that behind every good man is a good woman. Well, duh. It is easier to succeed when you have someone cheering you on and respecting you. When you don't have to expend so much emotional energy proving yourself. Similarly, behind every good woman, I'd expect there to be a man who cherishes, encourages and loves his woman. For the same reasons. It's so much easier for a flower to bloom in fertile soil.

I want there to be fertile soil for my relationship to bloom in (Btw, are gardening metaphors better for relationships that economic ones? I'll have to think that through, but this is a blog and we'll go with it.). Since I'm the man, the God appointed leader, the change agent, it is up to me to do til the ground. Strategies abound. There are a million books on relationships that have good strategies. But they will only truly be effective when your motivation is right. When you drop the economic model of investing to get something.

Instead, serve. Give yourself as a gift. Expect nothing in return. Put your needs on hold. Do it for love. How can I claim to love God when I treat my brothers and sisters as commodities. Let God fill your account so it can be emptied for others. If you get something in return, even better, but that is not the motivation. That's been the fruit of my Miracle and coming up against the Wall of my pride. Realizing that I shouldn't be trying for an economic style return in my relationship, but creating a new metaphor.

Who's the Boss?

It has taken a long time to learn, but I have been the king of the 'non-anxious response'. Said another way, I had come to lead my marriage (and participate in other close relationships) out of my fears and anxieties. Fear of rejection, fear of not being loved, and fear of not living up to other's expectations (disappointing others) were the things I was trying to avoid. So, it turns out, I wasn't so much leading as I was placating my own fears.

Much like my dad, I've always tended toward passivity and people pleasing. Ways to relieve my pain and avoid my fears. If I didn't open up, rejection would be less painful. If I did things to make people happy, I wouldn't have to face disappointment. While I was plenty guilty of this in all areas, I am mainly going to focus on my marital system.

Here's the problem: when your highest goal is to keep the peace, you transfer the power in the relationship. When having your own expectations met determines your happiness, the other person is in control. And that, very subtly, is what happened in my marriage. This did not happen by any nefarious plan by my wife, it is simply the equilibrium we achieved to minimize our pain.

Yet, my role is leader. God gifted me and designed me to be a leader. So, it is oh so ironic that in my immediate family I allowed my anxious response take me out of the leadership position. Just like Adam. You know that story, don't you?

Past results have been that, if I'm not leading my marriage, I am then trying to get something out of it. Placing expectations on my wife for my happiness. Rather than a ministry, marriage was about performing to get the reward. That is the definition of being undifferentiated in a relationship, if you've never heard the counseling term for it.

My wife was the boss by default. Just like Eve. Both of them facing the serpent while the men are abandoning their responsibility. My greatest failure in all of this has been that, while I was so focused on my own needs and anxieties, I didn't notice the struggle that my wife was having. The walls of protection that she was erecting. Actually, not noticing is too strong - I certainly did notice them because they caused my wife not to be able to respond to me emotionally, physically or spiritually as my wife. By the time I was emotionally empty enough to suggest getting some outside help, she was emotionally empty enough not to want to pitch in the effort. Further frustration cause by pandering to my fears.

A husband is supposed to provide the security for his wife to open up and be herself. I was so focused on the lack of respect that I was due that I was shutting her down. An exhausting cycle because my response, was to try harder and harder to have the marriage everyone would expect.

In my defense, with the example passed to my by my father, I did not have the tools to do this. My root sin of pride made it very hard to invite people into this. Frustration with God caused me to shut Him out. A bad experience quenched any trust that I did have or might have developed. And no one seemed to notice or care about what they were seeing in me. That is not a statement to try to absolve myself of responsibility, just an observation of the relational system I'd constructed.

So, harder and harder I tried, like a hamster in a wheel. My every misguided effort only served to solidify the status quo. My wife felt more hurt, alone, misunderstood and built more walls of insulation. I felt more lonely, unlovable and disrespected. Legitimate needs and desires that I wanted fulfilled in illegitimate ways. Like the hamster, my tank was empty and I was still nowhere.

Never make a decision alone when you are emotionally exhausted and spiritually empty. For me, when I was at this place, I dropped the pretensions and was emotionally honest. Unfortunately, out of this desperation, rather than pursuing godliness, I took refuge in worldliness. Bad choice.

Here's the thing, that's where we got when power was transferred in my relationship. Like Esau giving up the birthright for some stew, I gave up power to avoid my fears. The process of change requires that I take back leadership. Tough considering the 'comfort' of our known roles. Journeying toward strength means facing my fears and considering my wife's needs alongside my own. Tough because it means denying my legitimate needs and desires for a time to allow my wife the safety and room to heal. It means stepping into my God given and God designed role.

Like walking barefoot your entire life and then being given shoes, it feels awkward but hopefully both my wife and I will adjust to the comfort and protection of the new footwear. It means me having the strength to lead, and her having the strength to let me.

It's in the Suffix

My root sin is pride. One of the ways that this sin entangles me is through a fear of being a disappoint-ment. It seems so ironic that not wanting to feel like a disappoint-ment had a part to play in disappoint-ing everyone who knew me.

For some time I've felt like a disappoint-ment to my wife. If she's not going to follow me or respect me, then it must be because I have not met her expectations. I'm a disappoint-ment. So, when you throw people pleasing into this cruel cocktail that is my personality, you get someone who is going to work harder and harder to win the approval of this most significant relationship.

In my pride, I thought success and happiness rested squarely on my shoulders. And I was failing. My wife and I were farther apart than ever.

That takes us to the irony. I never wanted to be the American pastoral cliche. Said that would never happen to me (careful how you use the word 'never', just be on your guard). But someone came along who enjoyed me. Sought out time with me. Respected what I did and told me how good I was at it. My pride at it up. The things I wanted desperately from my wife were coming from someone else. My heart wasn't prepared for it. Success was defined by performance, and to this woman I was performing well.

I became a disappoint-ment.

Or so I thought.

Even after the change God has worked throughout the fabric of my being, even after the miracle, even after so much of my Wall has been deconstructed, I was still stuck feeling like a disappoint-ment.

It was east to retreat to this place when still so many people defined me by my sin. No being witness to the work and change. After all this time, change, and retooling by God - some still viewed me through the lens of failure. So that's how I allowed myself to view me. (That is the worst wording ever. That's what you get from a blog, I guess. Hope the point comes through.)

I was reading Mark 14 some time ago. After Jesus predicted Peter's denial, He invited Peter along to pray. Pretty intense moment and He still brought Peter along. Jesus knew it was intense; the disciples not so much, they couldn't stay awake. When Jesus returned to them He says "Simon, are you asleep? Could you not keep watch for an hour?"

Even after telling him to watch and pray so he'd be ready for the upcoming temptation, Peter falls asleep. Again. Disappoint-ing. But not a disappoint-ment. It occurred to me...Jesus knew. When Jesus picked his disciples, He knew their weaknesses. Predicting Peter's denial evidenced that He know what was about to take place. While these events were disappoint-ing, Peter was not a disappoint-ment. Jesus knew.

He knew the events in Peter's life that He would have to use for Peter's good. This was not a shock. I would only be a disappoint-ment if Peter's life was defined by his failure.

And the same is true for me.

Regardless of what anyone else thinks, to the One who matters - who created me, loves me, died for me, called me - to Him I am not a disappoint-ment. In fact, the only way I could be is if I let this event in my life define who I was. Rather than letting the forgiveness, mercy, and grace of Christ be the basis for my life.

I admit that it is hard to understand how God would knowingly use this. But He is. It's disappoint-ing, but it will not forever define me. I am not typecast. The change that God brings about will be what defines me.

There is no way I'll find that disappoint-ing.

A Bit of New Vocabulary

It's funny how a single word can have mutually exclusive meanings. Take the word 'differentiation' as an example. In the realm of mathematics, where I first learned and got comfortable with this word, differentiation is the process of determining the rate of change of certain equations. For instance, if you know the equation describing the position of an object relative to time, then when you differentiate this equation you have the rate of change of the position or in other words the velocity.

There you go, a free physics lesson on this pastoral blog. What other pastor do you know that can pull that one off?

It is quite handy to have a vocabulary to correlate with what you are learning about yourself. Lately I have been running across lots of new words to describe aspects of the dynamics in a relational system. Just so happens that 'differentiation' is among them, and also happens to be the most apropos to my current season of life.

I remember as a kid watching a Sunday night movie about Helen Keller. It was one of those things you had to endure as a kid, like watching Little House on the Prairie. The particular scene that I can recall is the moment that Helen puts together the symbols for W-A-T-E-R that her tutor was signing into her hand as the fresh, cold substance was poured on her face. Once she got it, she wanted to know the words for everything. Having a vocabulary and a way to communicate is a very liberating. To a much lesser degree, I feel that same sense of liberation.

It's all about the lingo. Back to the 'differentiation'...the basic concept relationally is distinguishing yourself from other members of the system. As is was explained to me by a friend, it is having the ability to think "you are over there and I am over here, your emotional response is separate from my own." I'm hoping to avoid getting to technical (I've already had a paragraph about math!), so I hope that explanation does the trick.

For me, a rather large component of the journey toward relational strength that I am on is this idea of being able to differentiate myself. A pattern that I have noticed is that the closer a relationship gets to me, the more undifferentiated I become. Some of the ways this manifests itself in my relationships is by people-pleasing, seeking abundant affirmation, inability to say 'no', taking the onus of responsibility in relationships - especially for communicating and planning.

Being able to understand that I have grown and developed in an environment that fostered a performance equals extra love mindset. That helps to explain my need for affirmation and approval. Well, let me rephrase that, because I think at some level, everyone needs that. There is nothing wrong with being affirmed or in wanting that. The problem is when that become THE concern in a relationship and the preponderance of actions are directed at how to receive more.

Hence the people-pleasing. But it goes even deeper. Because of the equation performance = love, if someone disagrees with me or expresses disapproval for an action, though, performance, etc., it feels like love is being withdrawn. Think of how unstable that would make a relationship seem if that became your perception. If you and your spouse disagreed on the gas mileage the car was getting and it felt like more than disagreement, what if it felt like rejection and having love withdrawn?

That's been the source of my passivity and hence my undifferentiation. Anything so that I would not feel like that. One of the results is that I opened myself up to feel unloved in other ways. But I guess I was choosing the lesser of two evils and I had no way foster change without opening myself up to more hurt and rejection. When you don't understand the source (as was the case with me before) or have any vocabulary to talk about what is going on, it becomes hard to identify the right choices. So, I tried to cure myself by 'fixing' the symptoms.

Only you carry the problems into the next context. God told me that change starts with me.

So I'm making the journey.

I'm choosing to trust.

And I'm differentiating.

In any system, if you change one part you change the entire system because it has to adapt. A new balance is created. Problem is being undifferentiated shielded my close relationships from being upset. From pursuing me. Basically from being in a relationship of equal effort. That is a hard course to correct.

While I've noticed a reaction from most of my relationship, in particular my wife notes that I get upset now. Make stands and boundaries that I did not make before. She is having to learn how to respond. This adjustment must be tough and unsettling for her. On some level it would probably be easier to go back to the way things were - even though those ways weren't particularly good. I'm sure it is difficult for her to give up some of the responsibilities that I've passively allowed her to take on. Things that cause her anxiety. I hope that she will begin to embrace the feminine role for which God has designed her. I also hope that I become a better example of Christlikeness that will help her run toward her relationship with God.

I'm looking forward to the new, healthy balance that God is bringing to my relationships. I'm still changing, the journey is far from over, but I am making the decision to trust God with my life and destiny. (That is a differentiated statement, btw.)

Walls, Landmines, and Balance

I am a pretty linear guy. Maybe it is the math background, proving something by letting one piece of information lead to the next. Or maybe my nature is why math was appealing to me in the first place. You can hear it when I speak, whether in a class or in church. This linear quality also appears in that I like to finish one task before starting another. Not that I can't have many things going simultaneously, but I like things linear. Crossing things off lists. Making a beeline for the destination. When I drive, I don't like to stop except for gas, so do all your business when the tank is empty.

[Semi-amusing recollection - just before my wife and I married, I had accepted a job out of state. So my future mother-in-law came with us as we were doing a housing search. Six hours in the car and this woman wanted to hit every yard sale and rest area that we passed. That's just wrong on a long trip - you need to make progress.]

Anyway, I bring this up because the journey that I am taking toward strength is anything but linear. It's like being able to see where you want to go, there is even a straight path possible, but the path is replete with landmines to navigate and walls that can pop-up out of the ground unexpectedly. Like an episode of Wipeout.

Ever see that show? People spend a lot of time jumping from platform to platform to avoid rotating obstacles, streams of water, and falling into a pool of cold water. When they first see a obstacle they are so focused on their feet and maintaining their balance that they often miss whatever is being swung at them. Balance is the key. Watching where you step.

This is my present struggle on the journey to strength because of course the journey is more complicated than just overcoming my learned passivity. My wife has some crud that she is dealing with. We have improper roles and behaviors that we've learned and taken on. She also struggles with her reaction to male strength after growing up with an abusive father.

Abuse is strength used to demean and take advantage; it is unhealthy and not a true picture of what godly strength looks like. But it is hard for her right now to tell the difference. It all feels the same - which I am sure is why my being passive was the path of least resistance in our relationship. The awful consequence of which is that we both took on roles in our relationship that were opposite our design. I could lead and be respected everywhere but the place it mattered most. Frustration and emasculation for me. She feels like she can not relinquish control out of her fear of trusting her security to someone else. My wife is not able to enjoy the fruits of being a woman in a loving, godly relationship.

So as I try to walk to the goal of being strong in my marriage I have to watch my step and maintain my balance. Not so much worrying about how I might swing the pendulum the other direction and wear stained wife beater t-shirts around the house, slick my hair back, and demand dinner on the table WHEN I ARRIVE HOME! My path butts up against the walls she has built. Occasionally I step on a landmine that I didn't know was there and she struggles to communicate to me.

Recently I stepped on one of these landmines (as I am sure I do often, but we were able to identify this one). Sometimes I tend to be evasive in my answers. My main reason for doing this with my wife is usually about my fear of being inadequate. Several weeks ago I was evasive about why I had not yet fixed the sprinkler system. I felt more than a little stupid because I did not know the problem. Rather than face my fear and tell her I feel like less than a macho man, I told her that it would get done. She perceived this as I was letting things slide and didn't care that something was broken. For me it was fear. For her it was a broken promise and loss of trust.

I've got to balance facing my own fears versus reacting out of hurt. I'm afraid of being a disappointment. I'm afraid of not being loved. I'm afraid that I'm inadequate. If I were to continue living in my fears then I'd always be a passive people-pleaser. That really sums up my journey. Not being bound by fear. Stepping forward. Giving others the opportunity to meet up with my fears and potentially hurt me. Especially my wife. My struggle here, and the balance I have a hard time maintaining is being reactive in my hurt. Either wanting to repay the hurt or run away from it. It is hard to maintain balance when you know something is going to hurt, especially when, because of her own stuff, I don't think my wife understands why I am in pain - my desire to be respected and admired by her.

I've got to balance giving her the space to process her emotional and spiritual scars and heal from them verses making her aware of my feelings and desires for our relationship. It is the balance of not backing off too much and not pressing too hard. This is a process. I don't want us to regress to a place that is more comfortable. The path of least resistance leads back to where we were. In our relationship, it is going to be painful to make improvement. Cleaning out a wound is messy. Resetting a broken bone is painful. But the result is worth it. It takes time and effort. This is where I come up against the walls. My struggle is that I get frustrated and have a tendency to create expectations. It is sometimes hard to see progress when you are in the middle of something, like noticing the growth in your child versus the growth change in a kid you see once a year.

I've got to balance communicating and guiding as a loving husband versus becoming a teacher/counselor or pushing her dad buttons. My wife is going to reject any leadership in which I act as her dad, checking up on her. Since I love to do it for others, I easily fall into the trap of counseling or teaching her. Not providing what she needs, just providing the answers. This too has been a struggle. I am the Hank Haney of relationships; I can diagnose and tell you how to improve yours and all the while miss out of practicing the techniques in my own relationship. My leadership has to be by example. Without expectations. Making my wife my primary ministry. Guiding her through the healing process by going first and talking about what God is doing. Remembering what God is doing and living out of the change.

Maintaining balance is tough. I fall often. But while it is not linear, I am making huge progress. Two steps forward and one step back means that you are a step ahead of where you were. My hope is that soon I will begin to be the man my wife will finally find the joy of being a woman around. Taking down her walls for me and giving her respect and admiration in return. That sounds worth the effort.

Just Say No

So I was drinking from a dangerous cocktail. My relationship with God was being defined by my performance, I was throwing myself into my work as a way to comfort myself through my marriage issues, and I was a people pleaser with a high desire for affirmation.

But what made things even worse is that I was good at what I was doing. My relational style of leadership is good at building people up and getting the most out of them. My organizational skills and vision are at least above average. My capacity to formulate a plan, get people on board and get things done is high. Just sayin'. Sometimes I feel like I focus so much on my failings in this blog, it feels good to finally point out a positive.

Problem was: this positive was both a blessing and a curse. Effectiveness leads to more affirmation and thus more opportunity. Not wanting to let anyone down led to more 'yes' answers when presented with opportunity. It was a cycle. Fueled by pride. With no one looking out for me, and me not looking out for myself, I was gradually became overwhelmed. Sometimes unable to face my list for the day because there was so much on it. Meeting on top of meeting. Training, recruiting, and encouraging leaders. Counseling. Teaching. Visiting. Little time for reflecting, planning or evaluating. Certainly not for meditating or praying.

At the root, though, was not a desire to glorify God. The unspoken desire of my heart was to glorify myself. Seeking the affirmation I desire. Validation for who I was; my calling and my relationship with God. I couldn't say no; I wanted things to rely on me - and for the most part I got my wish.

Everyone has a limited capacity. Whether or not you train leaders to carry forth your vision, there is only so much time for that as well. So rather than doing anything great, I was doing a lot of things well. (Another nefarious strategy of mine was to call other churches. Partly out of a desire to learn, but also partly to gloat about how much better I was doing than they were. Uplifting stuff.) Comparison with others was a main method of evaluation, rather than looking at my gift set, potential or calling.

Brokenness will change your pride. Losing (or giving away) everything will change your outlook. As I begin to answer the rumblings of ministry again - The Calling - I'm more focused. What do I say yes to and what no? What tasks or opportunities would benefit from my skill and gift set and what could anyone else do? Decision making 101 - focus on what to say yes or no to. My identity is not dependent on my performance, it is rooted in Christ.

I don't want my family short-changed. They deserve the best of me, not what is left over. Particularly my wife. Previously I was able to rationalize starving her of my attention because I wasn't getting what I needed. Regardless of my needs, my God given responsibility is to my relationship with her. Other-centered love rather than self-centered. Sounds like another blog topic.

I don't want my ministry short-changed. God has uniquely gifted me. (How many people-oriented, pastoral, mathematicians do you know?) Saying yes to everything non-discriminantly, no matter how good, may cause me to miss out on the main thing(s) God has for me.

Anything that comes my way will have to pass through this new filter. Even more, my wife is included in the decision making/prayer process; gathering her perspective on the drain to my time of any new opportunity. I've always wanted her to have part ownership of my ministry and this is one way that will happen. This is about both of us and I don't want her to again resent my job as she would a mistress. For me it is a calling, the 'job' is part of me. Her encouragement and support is necessary; I've done ministry having to fight against her opposition. Balance.

As I've said before, my journey is toward strength. Strength has boundaries. Boundaries are enforced. Enforcement takes strength. In mathematics that's called the transitive property (I always enjoy throwing in a good math reference.) It may involve letting some people down, but 'no' is becoming part of my vocabulary. I've already thrown it out there a couple times. Good opportunities to make a difference. But they weren't the best thing for me, not what God is drawing me toward.

The end result of this is that I'll be even more effective. Soaring with my strengths. Doing the things I am made for in the quantities that I'm made for. Saying 'no' is a challenge. But it is freeing not being tied to people's expectations.

Being George

I love the TV show Seinfeld. With the exception of a few of the season one episodes, there is not another sitcom that was as consistently funny as Jerry and the gang. There is a favorite episode of mine that I'll keep on the dvr for awhile when I manage to catch it on late night. Putty, his Jesus fish, 'resurrected' radio stations, and him telling Elaine to steal the neighbor's newspaper because "I'm not the one going to hell." Makes me laugh every time.

In another episode, more related to today's blog, George decides after ordering tuna on toast that he always orders tuna on toast and it is time to start doing things differently. He's achieved no success the way he's lived, so he decides to do everything the exact opposite of his first impulse. This starts with ordering chicken salad on rye (is that the opposite of tuna on toast, Jerry says) and culminates with George Costanza chewing out George Steinbrenner during a job interview. "Hire this man!" declares Steinbrenner much to the surprise of the executive interviewing Costanza. Apparently, some on the Internet have more time to waste than I do, for a simple google search turned up the entire script of the episode of The Opposite, including George's diatribe:

Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!

If only doing the opposite of your first impulse or of your habitual behavior was so easy or immediately successful. Right now in my marriage I feel like I am being George. My tendency has been to seeking approval in my relationships. Within my marriage this was no different. As my wife pushed me further away, I tried all the harder to make her happy. I knew all along that her happiness was not to be found in me, just as my happiness was not in my relationship with her, but over time as little things bring relief they tend to become part of your relational arsenal.

Because part of my wife's coping strategy was to assume control, both of us tipped the balance of our marriage away from the traditional roles that God has intended. This is not to say I was a glorified labrador retriever, but my tendency was toward passivity because it kept the peace and was easier to deal with.

Now I'm having to do the opposite.

Of course, this does not mean that I need to hit a guardrail, put on the wife beater t-shirt, and become a ruthless dictator in my home, but a big part of my journey is assuming strength in my marriage and other relationships. This is tough. It is always tough to unlearn old behaviors and relearn new ones.

Especially when the new behaviors are met with resistance rather than instantaneous success. My wife is having to go through the same process. Even tougher for her is the idea of trusting my leadership. She has told me before that her fight is against submitting and having a natural respect for my position as husband. It would be so much easier to travel the path of least resistance.

Of course, not changing would be easier in the short term, but worse for our marriage and our souls in the long term. So for now I continue in the awkwardness of establishing new patterns. It's like having been sitting for too long in the same position and making those first steps with your legs completely asleep; you have to look at your feel to know they are moving. It feels so unnatural, but you can look up and know that you're getting somewhere.

In the Seinfeld episode, while George is on his way up by doing the opposite - Elaine is on her way down. She loses her job. Her boyfriend. And her apartment. At one point she laments "I'm George, I'm George!"

One thing I am trying to avoid in becoming the man God wants me to be, is that I don't want my wife to feel devalued, used, or pushed around. Hopefully as I lead my marriage well, she'll feel free to be feminine. Experiencing trust and security; a couple of the things that God has designed for her to get out of the marital relationship.

Strength is not found in my controlling her or even in making every decision. But in setting up boundaries for our family. In communicating values and expectations clearly. In serving and loving her. Making our relationship my ministry. Serving her not to keep the peace nor for my own approval, but a service that is out of my desire for my wife to know she is loved and that she can follow me as I follow God.

We both have to understand that final responsibility for our marriage and its fruit, good or bad, lies with me. Adam forgot that principle in the garden. At some point in the past I forgot it as well. But God has renewed my passion for my wife, and part of that has come from experiencing the freedom that comes with assuming the proper role. I don't want to play a part. I'm not following a script.

I'm thankful that God doesn't accept me based on my performance because I am messing this up a lot. My hope is for long term change so that my wife and I can minister to others, can lead within the church again, and can impact our daughter with what a healthy relationship looks like. Her future depends upon this too. I'm just looking forward to when it feels more natural that walking with your legs asleep.

Medicating the Pain

Today I have been reflecting on some of the events and interactions of the last year. Not looking back as Lot's wife did, but trying to sort through some of what I was thinking and feeling. How could it possibly be that throwing everything away seemed like a rational choice to deal with my circumstances? While I can remember the thought process, none of it makes much sense to me.

Now I know that none of you reading this can relate to this analogy, but I'll throw it out there anyway. It's like being at a party on a Friday night with a lot of people you don't know. The more you drink, the friendlier things become. Until at just the right point of intoxication you become best friends for life with complete strangers. (You're the coolest guy I ever met!) In the moment no one could convince you that you are drunk or that the decisions you are making are impaired (I can drive!), but the next morning you wake up and don't remember why that trip to Krystal at 3:30 am seemed so pressing and proper. (Not that I am describing one of innumerable evenings of mine in college.) The next day you forget the names of your new best friends and even why they seemed like friends at all.

That was me in my sin. A good friend to my wife described the situation to her exactly like this and I completely agree with the analogy. "He's drunk in his sin; he's not thinking right." Yes, that was true. (Please don't take the drunkenness analogy as me trying to pass of blame. Anything but, every drunk makes a choice to drink.)

Why do people get drunk? Why is it that someone will put themselves totally in the control of something else? Whether the choice is alcohol, drugs, porn, physical brutality, gambling, making money, hoarding power, or having an affair - the bottom line is everything on that list and more have the same effect. The pain that the person is feeling gets medicated or deadened. It is a way to cope.

There really are several issues here. One is: where was God? How was it that I, a beloved pastor, turned so completely away. I've alluded to that before, but I'll return to that in another entry soon. For now, we'll turn away from my lack of trust in the God for whom I was ministering. Also for the moment, we'll overlook that everything on that list is an idol, a substitution for God, a way to be one's own god and 'solve' the problems of life's circumstances without Him.

Here I want to ask the question: what was the source of my hurt? what was it that I was trying to cover up with the substitute for God? Cheap forgiveness. In the primary relationship in my life I was being sinned against. Never did I really take the time to process my disappointment and grief. It turned to hurt that I suppressed. Keeping up appearances, remember. I wanted everyone to think things were OK. Part of me was stuck in the thought process "if I were a good Christian, I wouldn't be lonely or depressed. I shouldn't have these marriage problems. I should be able to repress my desires for physical affection and respect." So I'd just try harder and not let anyone see what was going on.

Without truly processing what was going on, the best I could say was "I forgive my wife." But I didn't mean it. How could I? I didn't even know what I was forgiving. My broken thoughts were that what I was feeling was wrong. Forgiveness makes it right. Then I could move on. Problem was, feelings don't always change as easily as you can mouth the words. My mask didn't give God the room to work the miracle of forgiveness. So the hurt just mounted.

In addition to those around me, my mask also shut out God. Remember, for me He was one to be pleased. When things didn't improve by my efforts I attributed it to his unanswered prayer or displeasure with my performance. More failure. More downward thought spiral. Throughout, I refused to let God deal with me in my grief for my marriage. That would have been revealing my weakness, being vulnerable, and facing my fears. So there was nowhere to turn with my hurt.

For her part, my wife was not interested in fixing things either - her reasons were different. That became my battle cry. This is her fault. She won't follow. She won't appreciate me. She won't...she won't...she won't...and on and on. To tell the truth, no matter what I did, godly or not, she may not have responded. But her response is not for me to control. It is also not an excuse for what I did because I could never have forseen what a godly response from me looked like. For my mask was affixed so tightly that I had shut myself out.

Notice my battle cry. She won't...she won't...she won't...all very self-centered declarations. Sure I'd help out around the house, spend time at home, and plan time together. But it was out of a selfish motive to get what I desired. It was not an authentic expression of love or forgiveness. I didn't really, authentically look at me. What kind of follower of Christ was I? What kind of husband was I? What kind of head of my family was I? In my hurt and desire to maintain appearances I had lost the ability to accurately perceive myself. Not everything was my wife's fault. Not by a long shot. I hadn't given her anything to respond to except my neediness; nor was I able to forgive her. Looking at me would not have worked until I had processed my hurt and anger.

Instead I medicated my pain. Fortunately, I follow a God who works miracles. He who can get water from a stone can also make good from our bad. I am living proof that God still works miracles and can change everything about the way you think and what or whom you put your trust in. Healing takes time, but God is faithful and patient.

Being Passive

In Exodus it says the the sins of a father are passed on for three or four generations. As I have been looking at myself spiritually and emotionally, the reality of generational patterns has been becoming more and more obvious in my life. Now, I have not put extensive thought into reflecting on my family yet, but some of the things that have been modeled for me and passed on are too obvious to not bring into the discussion. (A project that I am researching for my wife and I is to construct a genogram and very intentionally look at the good and bad that was our parents and their relationship in order to determine some of the baggage/strategies that we have carried into our relationship.)

I don't want this to come across as an indictment on my dad and I think we all understand that. He was a good dad. Involved in my extracurricular activities, generous, and I knew he loved me, but among some other things, my dad was and is passive. The idea of a strong man that I got from him was like Rocky Balboa - just take the punishment. Remember in Rocky IV? Rocky vs. the big Russian dude (Ivan Drago?) and they are in Russia and Rocky is just getting the mess beat out of his face. He's barely lifting his arms, motioning to the other fighter; basically giving an open invitation to just tire himself out bloodying him. Until Rocky took enough, then he vengefully let loose and won.

A lot of that reminds me of my dad. Whatever is going on in his life he just takes in. Disagreements and conflict with his wife? Just absorb it and smooth it over. Sibling conflict? Just withdraw from the relationship. Death of parents and daughter? Just live in regret and pay your penance by visiting the grave frequently. Mind you, he has not processed nor dealt with his issues, in fact they are right below the surface bubbling like hot lava waiting for a vent to release the pressure. Dad drives angry. That's an outlet. Occasionally he will get snippy with a server at a restaurant. Look out. But for the most part he is just very passive in his relationships. Not rocking the boat or talking about anything of depth.

In a lot of ways, I have carried this baton from my dad, although I wouldn't put myself as far down the passivity scale as he falls. For me, it is hard to separate what is passive and what is people pleasing, but the tendency is there. I'll withdraw in conflict. Many times I'll give up leadership in situations in which not only am I the responsible party but through which I am gifted by God to lead well. Sometimes that's where the interesting mix of people pleasing comes in. Take the front loading washing machine incident of the last post. There was a point that I had a proposed path to solve the problem that I abandoned when my wife pushed back rather emotionally. I backed down because part of me wanted to be the hero, but a larger part wanted to do what was necessary to avoid confrontation. That's being passive and probably my greatest area of work in marriage.

In the past I have wanted my wife to respect my leadership and give me the room necessary to lead. What I am learning about femininity is that, in her desire for security, if I am not leading she will fill the void. It is my job as a husband to give her something to which she can respond. That's a paradigm shift in my thinking. Confrontation would happen in any marriage, especially as the husband lovingly asserts himself. In our case we have almost 15 years of bad habits to relearn, covenant trust to be rebuilt, not to mention a healthy dose of OCD that makes all this even more precarious.

Yet, my desire is to be the man God made me to be so that our marriage can be all this world will allow. So my journey involves one of moving toward more strength. Primarily in my marriage, but in all my relationships - for so many of them fall into this same pattern that I've adopted with my wife. Knowing my propensity for guardrails, I am hoping to achieve balance rather than swing the pendulum all the way in the other direction. That is a fear not shared by those I've talked with about this - I'm told I am a genuinely nice guy who wants to follow God so I'm not likely to be a wife beater, but erring on the side of strength wouldn't be a bad thing.

So, I'll make my best effort to face my fears and move toward strength. The time of passivity is passing.

My New Shirt

This weekend represented the one year anniversary of my totally losing my mind. A friend of mine commented about the distance that I have travelled this past year. It is unbelievable the depths that I had to fall to and the painful self-inspection that I had to do in order to get to this place of grace and trust in God. I guess other people, in addition to my friend, are noticing and responding to the changes in me.

I was asked to visibly participate for the first time this weekend in the Easter services at my church. Lately I have been getting back outside my self imposed box. Greeting people before service, initiating conversations with seemingly disconnected people so that they will feel connected to someone - just something small. The eagerness that I feel to get involved is a big part of the healing process, especially getting to the point where I feel like I have something to offer.

The caveat that was given to me when I was asked to serve was that I had to dress "super cool". Quickly I suppressed the thoughts of "well, how the heck do I usually look?" and I was too excited and overwhelmed to throw out the joke "yeah, wife beater and cut-offs, no problem." After discussing the opportunity with my wife (and the accompanying caveat - to which we both laughed), she was excited for me - it is becoming clearer and clearer through our conversations that she is ready to accept me doing what God wants. Quite the change going on in her. Involvement is not something to be jealous of. My attitude and boundaries will help keep her supportive rather than combative. Yet another lesson learned.

Now, how do we address the suggestion to look "super cool"? Pretty sure that is not in my wardrobe. Cool - quite possibly. Casual - for sure. In fact, there are times that I have been know to look super. Never super cool. Please don't worry over those statements, that is just a reality of myself that I'm comfortable with, not a desire for someone to affirm how I look. I've got a master's degree in Mathematics - a group that will never be known as "super cool" - so I have to admit that given that background I think I excel in the area of style.

Yet, as amazing as this mathematician looks, I had to delegate the Easter weekend outfit choice to my wife. Jeans. That was easy. I have some great shoes that a friend's wife bought for me (yes, my previous style choice was so bad that someone had their own personal intervention). But the shirt - always perilous. After surveying the choices, my wifey immediately offered to take me to Kohl's. (By the way, the only thing I love more than Kohl's is parenthetical remarks, as you can tell from this blog. Our house has a special celebration dance when we get mailed a 30% off Kohl's coupon. That coupled with my proclivity to shop on the 80% off rack makes stuff almost free - hey, wait, that may be part of my problem. I'm shopping on the 80% off rack - I'm buying the clothes no one else wants. Wow, more self realization.)

Anyway, she offers to take me to Kohl's and I said no. I've got more than enough clothes to choose from, we are going to pick from what I have.

Never would I have predicted just how important that response was to my wife. Fast forward to three days later. We are enjoying a family weekend away. Making up for some lost time. The shirt decision has long since been made. As we unpack, my wife says "I've got a present for you." That's great. I love presents - that maybe she was going to give me a kiss or a can of cashews to enjoy by the pool. (We'll keep this G-rated as to what I was hoping the present was.) Nope. It was a shirt. She had secretly gone out and got something "pretty super cool". The purchase was made, not because she thought what we settled on was bad; not because we have extra money burning a hole in our bank account; simply because she was proud of my declaration.

Her observation was that the old me would have run right out to buy something new in order to appease people's opinions. My firm choice to pick from what I had meant everything to her for it was outward evidence of change within me. Less people-pleasing.

I could not have faked this moment, it is not even something that I would have been aware to change or a way to show her I had changed. It was just a natural expression of my new comfort with who I am in Christ.

Glad she noticed.

The Moment

With one notable exception, I have maintained good boundaries with women. Going back to my time as a college math instructor before pastoring, I would never have a female student in my office with the door closed. If I was in a home as a hired tutor and the student was a girl, I would insist someone else be in the room with us. I didn't want anything left to chance.

As a pastor, I further developed these boundaries. If I had an off campus meeting with a leader that was a woman, there was always three of us. On one occasion, my women's ministry director happened to also work at the church and we were going to meet someone off campus for a lunch meeting. To her chagrin and befuddlement, I insisted that we drive separately. For another off campus meeting, the third person called while I was standing in the restaurant to say she couldn't attend. In that case, before I sat I called the husband of the other leader to make sure he knew where we were, what we were doing, and if that was OK. I wanted to avoid the appearance of evil.

Understandably, all it takes is one failing in this area for all trust to dissolve and perceptions to change.

The lady who cut my hair told me she was uncomfortable being around me. That was the new perception. Several months before that when she began trying to cross boundaries with me, I called her husband and told him he needed to talk with his wife. Turns out she was having multiple affairs. Their marriage was saved.

One of my key leaders of our recovery ministry told me she was uncomfortable talking to me anymore because she felt like she could be the next woman I went after. Before that this woman considered me her big brother.

Perceptions change. Yet, the truth of the matter was that I didn't let the former woman cross any boundaries with me and it never crossed my mind to 'go after' the latter. My mind was always prepared for someone to overtly approach me, either physically or with their conversation, and I had my way out planned.

While my boundaries were pretty good, everything was not perfect. I became pretty indiscriminant with my phone number. With both men and women. Rather than it being reserved for leaders and people my wife knew of, I wrote it down for lots of people in need. Facebook became a nightmare. Logging on would start and avalanche of people seeking teaching, pastoral care and counsel. I've been pretty upfront about my desire for approval and affirmation. If you've read other blogs, you know my pride.

I wanted to be the hero. To solve people's problems. Have them grateful.

While I was hoping for and was prepared for gratitude. What I was not prepared for was to actually become someone's hero. To be overtly respected and admired. To be sought out and listened to. To be affirmed and have someone pursue knowing me in return.

For many pastors, this would not have been a problem. They could have shaken this off like I did the woman who wanted to complain to me about her husband. But for me, these were the things missing in my own marriage. My God given desire was to receive this attention from my wife. I was experiencing an extended drought of respect and attention from my wife, and this substitute, while not the real thing, felt good. Without a proper relationship with God to provide balance, this was the foothold that I gave Satan in my life.

My pride told me "you can manage this, you can be married and have a close friendship with another woman, this actually helps you take the pressure off your wife". That's self-justification in action.

The truth of it is, the more I let myself receive this attention and the closer we got, the more I wanted of it. One boundary fell after another. Right or wrong, my perception was that I had no one else to talk to. I opened up to her. That was the moment for me that I knew things were not right. That was supposed to be the boundary you never cross. Phone calls, chats, visits just to hang out. The foothold was not physical, yet the emotional bond got stronger and stronger.

Eventually the grass seemed greener. Forget my wife. Forget building perseverance, leading to character, pointing to hope. How could God play this cruel joke on me and let me meet this person while married? As I have said before, I was drunk on my sin and I began making the decisions that drunk people make. That tatoo makes sense the night before when you are drunk.

It took God to sober me up. That was the miracle of a God who never left me, never condoned what I was doing, and waited patiently for me to recognize my folly and get my head out of the mud. I think my next blog will be on the miracle.

The pertinent question is: Why will this not happen again? What is different now? Good question.

The short answer is that I am not the same person. My relationship with God is changed, not because He is different, but because I am new. My marriage is different because I am not the same (and my wife too, of course, but we're talking about me here). I trust God. I recognize that it is not my performance the He is interested in. I am experiencing brokenness. My love for my wife is other-centered, not based on what she can do for me. I am learning to communicate out of strength rather than neediness. All my fears are on the table and I am every day operating less out of avoidance of them. My affirmation is from God.

As a practical example, at the college in which I am now an instructor, according to my monthly evaluations I am experiencing statistically improbable success. Especially for a math teacher, among the most hated, student and administration response to me has been unlike any other time I've taught. In the past I pined for good evaluations. Read through them and based my image of myself on what was said. I obsessed on the bad - how could they say that about me??? - and took pride in the good. Now I chuckle at my evaluations and forward them to my wife so she can too. The success I'm getting here is from God, I am utterly convinced. I take it as Him considering me ready.

God has restored my love for people. Not a love of what is in it for me. Just a love because He loves them. I've counseled students spiritually. It is no longer in my mind to be their hero. There are other examples that I see in myself. There are other reasons that this won't happen again. But I hope you get the picture. It's not external. It's not because my marriage is now perfect. It's not because my job is fulfilling or that I have an abundance of close friendships.

God has changed me.

Thanks for reading.