Being George

I love the TV show Seinfeld. With the exception of a few of the season one episodes, there is not another sitcom that was as consistently funny as Jerry and the gang. There is a favorite episode of mine that I'll keep on the dvr for awhile when I manage to catch it on late night. Putty, his Jesus fish, 'resurrected' radio stations, and him telling Elaine to steal the neighbor's newspaper because "I'm not the one going to hell." Makes me laugh every time.

In another episode, more related to today's blog, George decides after ordering tuna on toast that he always orders tuna on toast and it is time to start doing things differently. He's achieved no success the way he's lived, so he decides to do everything the exact opposite of his first impulse. This starts with ordering chicken salad on rye (is that the opposite of tuna on toast, Jerry says) and culminates with George Costanza chewing out George Steinbrenner during a job interview. "Hire this man!" declares Steinbrenner much to the surprise of the executive interviewing Costanza. Apparently, some on the Internet have more time to waste than I do, for a simple google search turned up the entire script of the episode of The Opposite, including George's diatribe:

Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!

If only doing the opposite of your first impulse or of your habitual behavior was so easy or immediately successful. Right now in my marriage I feel like I am being George. My tendency has been to seeking approval in my relationships. Within my marriage this was no different. As my wife pushed me further away, I tried all the harder to make her happy. I knew all along that her happiness was not to be found in me, just as my happiness was not in my relationship with her, but over time as little things bring relief they tend to become part of your relational arsenal.

Because part of my wife's coping strategy was to assume control, both of us tipped the balance of our marriage away from the traditional roles that God has intended. This is not to say I was a glorified labrador retriever, but my tendency was toward passivity because it kept the peace and was easier to deal with.

Now I'm having to do the opposite.

Of course, this does not mean that I need to hit a guardrail, put on the wife beater t-shirt, and become a ruthless dictator in my home, but a big part of my journey is assuming strength in my marriage and other relationships. This is tough. It is always tough to unlearn old behaviors and relearn new ones.

Especially when the new behaviors are met with resistance rather than instantaneous success. My wife is having to go through the same process. Even tougher for her is the idea of trusting my leadership. She has told me before that her fight is against submitting and having a natural respect for my position as husband. It would be so much easier to travel the path of least resistance.

Of course, not changing would be easier in the short term, but worse for our marriage and our souls in the long term. So for now I continue in the awkwardness of establishing new patterns. It's like having been sitting for too long in the same position and making those first steps with your legs completely asleep; you have to look at your feel to know they are moving. It feels so unnatural, but you can look up and know that you're getting somewhere.

In the Seinfeld episode, while George is on his way up by doing the opposite - Elaine is on her way down. She loses her job. Her boyfriend. And her apartment. At one point she laments "I'm George, I'm George!"

One thing I am trying to avoid in becoming the man God wants me to be, is that I don't want my wife to feel devalued, used, or pushed around. Hopefully as I lead my marriage well, she'll feel free to be feminine. Experiencing trust and security; a couple of the things that God has designed for her to get out of the marital relationship.

Strength is not found in my controlling her or even in making every decision. But in setting up boundaries for our family. In communicating values and expectations clearly. In serving and loving her. Making our relationship my ministry. Serving her not to keep the peace nor for my own approval, but a service that is out of my desire for my wife to know she is loved and that she can follow me as I follow God.

We both have to understand that final responsibility for our marriage and its fruit, good or bad, lies with me. Adam forgot that principle in the garden. At some point in the past I forgot it as well. But God has renewed my passion for my wife, and part of that has come from experiencing the freedom that comes with assuming the proper role. I don't want to play a part. I'm not following a script.

I'm thankful that God doesn't accept me based on my performance because I am messing this up a lot. My hope is for long term change so that my wife and I can minister to others, can lead within the church again, and can impact our daughter with what a healthy relationship looks like. Her future depends upon this too. I'm just looking forward to when it feels more natural that walking with your legs asleep.

Being Passive

In Exodus it says the the sins of a father are passed on for three or four generations. As I have been looking at myself spiritually and emotionally, the reality of generational patterns has been becoming more and more obvious in my life. Now, I have not put extensive thought into reflecting on my family yet, but some of the things that have been modeled for me and passed on are too obvious to not bring into the discussion. (A project that I am researching for my wife and I is to construct a genogram and very intentionally look at the good and bad that was our parents and their relationship in order to determine some of the baggage/strategies that we have carried into our relationship.)

I don't want this to come across as an indictment on my dad and I think we all understand that. He was a good dad. Involved in my extracurricular activities, generous, and I knew he loved me, but among some other things, my dad was and is passive. The idea of a strong man that I got from him was like Rocky Balboa - just take the punishment. Remember in Rocky IV? Rocky vs. the big Russian dude (Ivan Drago?) and they are in Russia and Rocky is just getting the mess beat out of his face. He's barely lifting his arms, motioning to the other fighter; basically giving an open invitation to just tire himself out bloodying him. Until Rocky took enough, then he vengefully let loose and won.

A lot of that reminds me of my dad. Whatever is going on in his life he just takes in. Disagreements and conflict with his wife? Just absorb it and smooth it over. Sibling conflict? Just withdraw from the relationship. Death of parents and daughter? Just live in regret and pay your penance by visiting the grave frequently. Mind you, he has not processed nor dealt with his issues, in fact they are right below the surface bubbling like hot lava waiting for a vent to release the pressure. Dad drives angry. That's an outlet. Occasionally he will get snippy with a server at a restaurant. Look out. But for the most part he is just very passive in his relationships. Not rocking the boat or talking about anything of depth.

In a lot of ways, I have carried this baton from my dad, although I wouldn't put myself as far down the passivity scale as he falls. For me, it is hard to separate what is passive and what is people pleasing, but the tendency is there. I'll withdraw in conflict. Many times I'll give up leadership in situations in which not only am I the responsible party but through which I am gifted by God to lead well. Sometimes that's where the interesting mix of people pleasing comes in. Take the front loading washing machine incident of the last post. There was a point that I had a proposed path to solve the problem that I abandoned when my wife pushed back rather emotionally. I backed down because part of me wanted to be the hero, but a larger part wanted to do what was necessary to avoid confrontation. That's being passive and probably my greatest area of work in marriage.

In the past I have wanted my wife to respect my leadership and give me the room necessary to lead. What I am learning about femininity is that, in her desire for security, if I am not leading she will fill the void. It is my job as a husband to give her something to which she can respond. That's a paradigm shift in my thinking. Confrontation would happen in any marriage, especially as the husband lovingly asserts himself. In our case we have almost 15 years of bad habits to relearn, covenant trust to be rebuilt, not to mention a healthy dose of OCD that makes all this even more precarious.

Yet, my desire is to be the man God made me to be so that our marriage can be all this world will allow. So my journey involves one of moving toward more strength. Primarily in my marriage, but in all my relationships - for so many of them fall into this same pattern that I've adopted with my wife. Knowing my propensity for guardrails, I am hoping to achieve balance rather than swing the pendulum all the way in the other direction. That is a fear not shared by those I've talked with about this - I'm told I am a genuinely nice guy who wants to follow God so I'm not likely to be a wife beater, but erring on the side of strength wouldn't be a bad thing.

So, I'll make my best effort to face my fears and move toward strength. The time of passivity is passing.

Hitting the Guardrails

I have been known as a guy who can hit guardrails. If during a meeting someone would tell me that I was being too loud, then I would (loudly) declare that I would no longer be speaking. Some of this was for show, yet some of this had an internal component too. While the emotional guardrails had been present with me for a long time, more and more they were becoming evident in my behavior. If I didn't enter the work environment with brashness, jokes, hugs and clever greetings then people would go on alert that something was wrong.

This began happening more and more frequently. When asked I would make a joke that everyone could stand down the 'suicide watch', that I just wanted to be quiet, couldn't I just act like a normal guy one day. That would at least satiate people's expressed concern. Trouble was, something was wrong.

Yesterday, my wife and I were talking about our days, and as we were chatting I told her that for the past few weeks I have just felt happy. It wasn't something that I was trying to achieve, it just WAS and it felt great. That used to be my 'normal', just a happy and content guy. (Although, in my previous 'normal' the happiness had more to do with people liking me, but it was at least not a battle to maintain a state of happiness.)

Now I know that some people will read this and think that I am missing the point, happiness is not our goal. Trust me, lesson learned, I know this. I'm not living for a feeling. Feelings are deceptive, they will change and diminish. I have lived in slavery to my feelings and I feel qualified to make the distinction. So maybe my word choice is not great, after all I am trying to blog and I don't want this to be overly scripted. Maybe what is going on would be better conveyed through words like joyful, confident, grateful, forgiven, secure, or maybe it is all those rolled into one.

What I am driving at is this is not a matter of a happiness because something good has happened to change my circumstance. In fact, much of my circumstance is still in confusion. Many of my relationships are still very damaged and there is a community of people that still have a perception of my fallen legacy. I have no guarantees of being the perfect husband or father, of having the perfect marriage, of having the ministry that my soul longs for daily, or of so many other things. But that is not the stuff that matters.

No longer do I continually battle the inner turmoil that I had been. Looking to my circumstances and the fulfillment of my expectations to define the quality of my relationship with God. It used to be that criticisms or deficiencies left an open wound of hurt in me. Loneliness consumed me in my marriage as my wife was battling with my expectations (and losing) and had baggage of her own that she was fighting to avoid. In a gathering with some friends last night, we declared "We are messed up!" So funny to hear us declare the obvious - at least we were laughing instead of crying or yelling.

It is ironic that running from or masking your fears makes you so much more likely to be hurt by them. That was one of my growing problems, I was a slave to my mask and who I wanted others to think I was. My guardrails became more frequent because this was getting harder and harder to maintain. Happiness now comes from embracing the freedom that Christ gives. Trusting God with my fears. Accepting His grace to not be absolutely perfect in everything that I do.

I just laughed as I hit the enter key at the end of the previous line. That seems so simple. It used to frustrate me when an author would make such a simple statement and move on. In fact, I once was so pissed off at a particular book I kept yelling "yes, I want that" while circling the offensive paragraph in the book. I ended up circling a hole through about 100 pages. Oh well, what's fifteen bucks when you're having so much fun.

This is the place I expected to be when I started typing awhile ago. But if you are not just walking the journey with me, but are rather looking for hope and happen to see a glimmer of yourself in anything I've said in this or some other post, please don't give up. I know. It's frustrating and I'm not going to leave the story there. To be able to talk about freedom, trust and grace has been an exhausting and painful process that I'll dive deep into in our times together. I used to have all the knowledge in my head, but there was a disconnect with my heart, which became the most frustrating thing of all. Why was God so far away and so quiet? Turns out the problem was with me and not God. Go figure.