Making the Adjustment

In the often used sermon example, we are told that experts in identifying counterfeit bills are trained not by looking at forgeries, but rather in becoming so familiar with the real thing that imperfections are obvious.

The same is true with our identities in Christ. When we walk with Him, we have our new identity, yet we need to be so familiar with the gospel lens that we are not fooled by substitutes. Even subtle ones. Most subtle is when we are entice to do things to make ourselves presentable to God. Climbing the ladder of religion. It is subtle because it looks so Good. But it is deceiving because in reality, our identity become based on what we are doing. Trying to earn our way to God.

True identity is not a product of the things we do for God, but rather the things we do for God are a product of our true identity.

But it is not just enough to clean the lens and be familiar with what the Bible says about who we are in Christ. When I wandered away and was enslaved by my false self, like the prodigal son finding himself lying hungry in a pig pen, something I did early on was confront my identity issues. From that came my identity statement in Christ. A good start, a worthy first step, but not worth much if that's where the journey ends. My journey paused there while my true identity in Christ had an epic battle with my false one created by my root sin of pride. I was up against my Wall.

We have to make the adjustment by looking at ourselves through the gospel lens. Like the red lens I would get in a box of Cracker Jacks when I was a kid. Turn the lens on a piece of paper with a bunch of red dots and it reveals a message or picture underneath. There the entire time, you just have to cut through the clutter with the proper lens.

When we take the time to examine ourselves through the gospel lens, cutting through the clutter, we can see that our behaviors are the way we feed our false self. Providing a temporary comfort. Placating the things within that we don't want to confront.

For me, the gospel lens revealed my pride. It would never be enough to try to 'stop' being a people pleaser, to 'stop' seeking affirmation at work, or to 'stop' being passive in an effort to make my wife happy. Overcoming those things with more Bible study and prayer, while good intentioned, would have been another attempt to 'do' for God. I couldn't stop these behaviors anymore that I could stop myself from sweating in the sun - that is until I looked at myself through the gospel lens and understood that all these behaviors were just an effort to satisfy the false self created by my pride.

At the moment of my Miracle, God told me the problem was my sin. That's been true on a much deeper level than my prodigal behavior, and it took that first step of cleaning my lens by developing and understanding my identity in Christ. But I had to use that lens to make the adjustment to live out of my true, God-given identity in Christ. Shining the pure light of Christ on my soul, revealing by his true humility how pervasive my pride was.

Blessed By Resurrection

So in my last post I described the Paschal Mystery to you. The passing from death to new life. A spiritual cycle that we live daily as we die to ourselves and follow Christ. It is at the point of releasing the old that we get choice, and the effects of that choice are either spiritual growth or stagnation/decline

Up until recently, this has been hard for me to grasp. Particularly in the area of my relationships. Upon experiencing my miracle and beginning my restorative journey, I made a point of attempting to reconcile with every significant person that I had wronged. This was an arduous task, humbling and extensive because of the many bridges that I had burned.

While I knew that the relationships would not be the same (which in many ways was going to be a good thing), with the additional hurdle of trust being reestablished - I did have hope that fences could be mended and the relationships healed. In fact, at first that seemed to be true. Among the closest of my friends, I was told "I want to pick up where we left off", "I've missed our friendship and I'd like to begin getting together again" and "let the bromance begin".

Yet, one by one, these relationships have fallen off the map. Without words, avoiding explanation, the resuscitated patients died on the table. In hindsight what I can see is that these false starts were efforts by some at resuscitation. Not accepting the new man God was crafting, not being honest, avoiding the tough stuff, just trying to put things in the past.

God wants resurrection, new life, not a continuation of the old. This is not to say that all these relationships had to end for resurrection, but there had to be changes. There had to be a new spirit.

One 'death' in particular was very hard to take. One of my best friends all along. Someone whose path I seemed to be walking. Himself a former pastor. Had an affair. Marriage died. Spent time in the desert. God restored him to church leadership. I identified in his story. Yet, without warning, this friend got busy. Too busy to meet. Too busy to return calls. Too busy to respond to emails with any depth. Too busy to even explain what was wrong. I felt abandoned...I was abandoned.

It was a tragic death.

I spent a lot of time grieving this loss. We were on the same path. He much farther along. But he had been where I was treading. Up against his wall, spending time alone in his desert, experiencing new life. A friend of mine watching me struggle with this death and far in advance of me coming to understand the Paschal Mystery, had given me the counsel that I should look at how the relationship, and its demise, had blessed me.

I was stuck on grief and didn't know what to do with this advice. I was clinging to the old. Almost blindly grasping; lacking true wisdom, I wanted the old back. Resuscitation.

As God was guiding my life back to ministry, as I was experiencing the reality of His restoration, I began to understand what the blessing God wanted me to take away from this relational death. The value that was to be reproduced in my life. Don't fall back into the old ways. Don't return to your vomit. Do not be consumed with busyness. God is working a new thing. This path is His. But I have to be careful where I step.

I cannot again find my identity in what I do or what people think of me. My identity needs to always be firmly established in Christ. Period. Resurrection.

The blessing for me, was the reminder that I must keep my guard up against the pull of my root sin, the pride that battles against my new nature. That is my daily denial of self, before I take up my cross, and follow my Savior.

Finishing the Edge of the Puzzle

I am not much of a puzzle builder. Takes far too much patience. I really like activities in which progress is steady and noticeable, not hunting for something that may or may not have the color/pattern/shape/shading that you are looking for only to be continually disappointed when things don't fit. The one part of the process that I did enjoy was the edge. As a kid, I was good at sorting through, finding all the flat pieces and building the frame. Progress. Then I'd leave the interior for my mom and sister.

On my spiritual journey, I am sometimes forlorn that progress in me is not quicker. More noticeable to me. That I am still so bad at being a husband and abandoning my passivity. A friend of my, in a moment of encouragement that worked, told me that I am like a person who has been miraculously spared from a medical condition, like a stroke. Now, though, I am doing the tough, painful, exhausting job of rehabilitation. Learning new behaviors, moving beyond the awkwardness of thinking through every decision, and breaking the mold that was the old relational system that I was comfortable with.

The past couple weeks, things have really been starting to fit together. It's like something I read or was counseled a few months ago suddenly clicks into place and I'm able to actualize it, not just understand it in theory. Things like sharing my inner life. Expressing my vulnerability and what God is doing with me. Being an encourager. Not being demanding, but communicating my needs and desires. Not walking away from the conflict, but making attempts to lead through. Other stuff. All of which may seem simple to you. But for a passive guy who fears rejection and disappointing others, these are monumental steps. This is my Wall. My journey to strength is taking me through my Wall.

When I was a kid, I had this Atari game (by the way, the Atari 2600 rocked. one button. one controller. hours of fun shooting tanks, racing cars, swinging on vines, slaying dragons. i would love to have an Atari 2600 with Pitfall! and Adventure to go home to. and a cup of hot chocolate. and three feet of snow so i could stay in and play...........) Sorry, retreated back to my childhood there. Anyway, the game was called Yars' Revenge. In it you were a bug shaped space ship and you had to kill the mother ship which was behind a wall. Two ways to destroy the wall, shoot it or (since you were a bug) eat it. Well, I could never figure out how to kill the mother ship, so for me all the fun was eating the wall. Kinda lame. Now that I think of it, why didn't the mother ship die when I shot it or ran into it? There was literally nothing else you could do in the game.

Anyway, I'd eat the wall. Piece by piece until I could get through. That's how my Wall is now on this journey. Ignoring it helped lead me to my place of downfall. Only way to deal with the wall is to take it apart, piece by piece. You can't leap over it, ram through it, go around it. The Wall is the Wall and you have to either deal with it or run away from it. Before I didn't have the tools to deal with it or someone who could lead me on the journey. Now I have both.

(Lots of tangents today. If you are reading this, and struggling and wanting to know what to do. Begging for a step, something to relieve the pain. My suggestion, in love, is to go see a counselor. Put the pride on hold and get some counseling. Either professionally or a well trained lay person. Issues don't just magically go away. They come back and bring seven friends.)

The latest part of the wall that I am removing, a remnant from the people pleasing pattern, is differentiating between loving/accepting and indulging. Acknowledging crises as they pop up, empathizing, strategizing, but not giving into the demands. It takes effort and truth to change a system, especially one that has had 15 years to cement itself. In the past, giving in has felt to me like I'm loving her, and it has felt like love to her. But it isn't. It's enabling (how come I can identify that in every other person on the planet, but think it is healthy in me?).

People naturally resist change. Change is uncomfortable. Resistance to me, to my new, healthy behaviors is going to make me feel like I am unloving. Which takes me to puzzle piece number two for the week - proceeding through. That's the piece of the wall. Maybe the biggest piece yet. Maybe the biggest piece there is. Not backing away passively from resistance. But continuing through, having compassion for my wife's woundedness, loving her by walking alongside through her struggles, but providing a path. Being her guide. Helping her see around the corner when she cannot.

I've never said this on my blog, always thought it was assumed - but, I love my wife. A lot. I love being with her. I always loved her before I went crazy, but after my miracle it was like the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And I had all the love of ten Grinches, plus two. I love my wife. And I am so sorry that I wasn't better equipped to be her husband. That is changing, better late than never.

What's on the other side of the wall? What happens when the pieces of the puzzle fit together? I am told the life of love awaits. I don't mean that in some romantic, Hollywood, fairy tale, happily ever after kind of way. I mean life of love in that loving others well without thought of myself is just the natural expression of who I am. It is Jesus not just living in me, but through me. It is channeling God's love for me to other people. The overflow. It is being a light and no one can see the bulb.

I'm not there yet. But I'm closer that I was last week. Maybe I've finished the edge of the puzzle.

Who I Am In Christ

As I have been describing, my failure did not pop up out of nowhere. It was the result of a confluence of events that led to a crisis of belief and a desire to meet my needs my own way. One of the things that got lost was my proper view of God. Well, let me say that again, living out of a proper view of God. There is a difference.

I knew who God was. Enough so that I could effectively counsel, encourage, confront and lead. In my head I knew, but my heart was not feeling it. I'd lost my ability to walk my talk. This didn't happen overnight, it was a gradual erosion as well as a reaction to not having the tools to take apart my wall. Spiritually I went to a state of comfort - a spirituality based on doing stuff. As long as I looked the part everything would be fine.

Immediately after my confession and resigning my position, the church I worked for offered to send me to a retreat in Colorado to begin the healing process. It would seem that, since I did not come back 'fixed', the trip was a waste. But it wasn't. It lay the foundation for me to be able to finally look at myself.

Unfortunately, because of my resentment, loneliness, and anger, I still had further to fall, but what I learned in Colorado would be my net. As the reality of my life got more and more chaotic, the truths that I learned were constantly in my thoughts and created the basis for God to be able to work His miracle.

One of the refreshing things about the counselor was that, for the first time, I felt like I was able to just be honest without fear of condemnation or consequence. A couple thousand miles away from home and disconnected from my church's leadership, what did I have to lose?

For one of my afternoon assignments, I was to construct an Identity Statement In Christ. I needed to get back to basics. My pride was disarmed by the good doctor describing his crisis and the identity statement he constructed. If it was good enough for him, then again, what did I have to lose?

So I was given a list of almost a hundred truths in the Bible to look up and meditate on. From those, as well as any others that came to mind, I was supposed to select the ones that God was using to speak directly to me. After my counselor and I talked through all these, I was instructed to write a letter to Jesus. And read it. And read it again. And again.

It was a great process. For me I was able to look up the verses while hiking 8 miles up an 8000 foot elevation. Forget the name of the mountain, but won't forget the views or how God spoke. I recommend this assignment for everyone. It will take a couple days and maybe someone to process with, but it is worth the effort. (I'll try to figure out how to link a pdf to my blog. Until then, if you want to list of a hundred truths to give you a start, just email me.)

So I submit to you, my finished letter to Christ...

Jesus,

I rejoice that you have made me your child (John 1:12) causing you to care about every aspect of my life regardless of my performance (Matthew 7:9 – 11). As your child, I am assured that you will never leave nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).

Even more God, we are friends (John 15:15). And as my friend I do not have to fear condemnation (Romans 8:1 – 2, 35), rejection for who I am, or that I will ever be alone (Ephesians 2:18). In fact, you have promised to even work in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

While you are calling me to holiness and obedience (1 Corinthians 6:19 – 20; 1 Samuel 15:22), you do not expect perfection (1 John 1:8 – 10). I am a work in progress (Ephesians 2:10; Philippians 1:6), your “Poema” or work of art that you are still chipping away at.

Thank you for this confidence that I can have in you, God, for you do not lie (Numbers 23:19, 20). It allows me to be real and bold in Christ (2 Timothy 1:7) as I seek to trust your plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11). You have made me to love you and love people (Matthew 22:37 – 39) and I long to give myself away (Philippians 3:8) as I do your will (John 6:38) – you are everything to me.

I cannot get distracted by any rejection from the world (John 16:33) for I am your pleasure (Ephesians 1:5; Zephaniah 3:17) and I exist to please you and not men (Galatians 1:10) with my authenticity. I must guard my heard (Proverbs 4:23) against falling into the trap of pleasing you with my performance, but rather must have a reckless trust in your goodness and faithfulness (Psalm 100:5).

Thank you Jesus for the confidence that comes from knowing you love me no matter what (Hebrews 4:16).

I Can Handle It!

I was looking for hand soap. You know, the little pump bottle that sits by your sink. Only, to show my love and support for my wife struggle with OCD, I was looking for the Lysol no hands soap dispensing system at Target. This was a surprise for her. My wife likes to wash her hands a lot. Although, this did involve a gadget thus my sense of manliness was heightened.

Trouble was, in the rows and rows of junk none of us really needs at Target, I could not find this little electronic device. Thought it'd be with the other hand soap dispensers - the low tech hand pumps. I actually went down the aisle twice, because where else was it going to be. Certainly not with the croc pots. Or the digital cameras. The primary purpose of this thing is to dispense soap. Where in the world was it.

Just as I was starting to feel like 'no good deed goes unpunished', I decided to do what men rarely do. Especially men who are looking for an automatic soap dispenser at Target (what, are you too LAZY to pump your own soap?).

I asked for directions.

The good lady in a red shirt and khakis walked with me to the liquid soap aisle, probably wondering why men couldn't figure this out for themselves. (As an aside, why is it necessary to have an entire aisle for liquid soap? Excessive?) Apparently I had neglected to look behind the pole that was in front of the shelves. Great location. Right behind the support pole holding up the roof of the Target store was a single row of this new item from Lysol. Well, at least asking for directions paid off.

Actually, it was very freeing to ask for help. No longer did I have to manage the problem, it was someone else's responsibility. If only I could have done that with the larger issue in my life. As I've mentioned before, my root sin was pride. Huge pride. Because of it, I couldn't let anyone help me.

So I diligently wore my mask. Not letting anyone see the real me, the pain I was feeling, or how lost, alone, frustrated and discouraged I usually felt. That's not how Christ followers are supposed to feel, right. I can handle it. No help or guidance necessary. Pride.

This was part of the wall I encountered that I touched on some in the last blog. In order to manage God, rather than letting him lead me in submission or realize my dependence, I worked. In my mind I equated my relationship with God with my performance and approval. My life was concealed behind the mask. Marriage had to be fine. I had to feign a connection to God that I rarely felt.

Only problem, was that underneath the mask, I was still longing for intimacy. A good desire. One implanted within us by God. We are to seek it first and foremost from Him. Like everything else, good things can quickly turn bad when we try to handle it ourselves.

That was my problem. So when I 'became friends' with a woman at church, I knew I could handle it. As boundaries that I had established for my behavior kept getting erased and redrawn, I knew I could handle it. As I continued to lie to God, myself, and others, I knew that I could handle it. As I hid my cell phone from the sight of everyone around me, I knew that I could handle it. As I made excuses to be out of the house, I know I could handle it. As my behavior got further and further away from Christ likeness, I knew I could handle it.

Behind my mask I had become what I hated. A pastoral cliche. Someone I had read articles about on ChristianityToday.com. Someone I had vowed never to be. (Peter replied, "Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will." More symmetry in my life with Peter.)

The mask was getting too tight. Unfortunately, I wore the mask pretty well. The Monday before I resigned, I was at a poorly attended prayer night at church. Everything was a mess and I knew it. I was starting to come to realization that I couldn't handle the way I was. (Yet, even in this moment my desire wasn't to submit my will to God, I knew how to solve the problem...another time for that one). So I asked another pastor to pray for me. All I told him was my life was a mess and I didn't know what to do.

His response, "I shouldn't be praying for you, you should pray for me, my life is the one that's a mess." (btw, he did pray for me, he wasn't being callous, I'm just illustrating how 'effective' I was). In that moment, there was a part of me happy. Pride was winning.

Everything did fall apart soon after. In fact, 'fall apart' is gentle. Exploded is better. That's a blog for a different day. Looking back, it is sometimes hard to know what I could have done differently. So many different things were wrong. It is easy to prescribe solutions from this side of growing strength and spiritual health. Bottom line is that I didn't have to spiritual tools to deal with my marriage. I lacked humility and forgiveness. I was following my happiness rather than Jesus.

For whatever reason, I also lacked someone to talk to. Someone outside the work environment; strong enough to hold me accountable. Someone that wasn't expecting anything from me. Maybe a professional, but definitely connected to God, the source of wisdom and life. If allowed only one change, that'd be the one I'd make.

I couldn't handle it. Just like being in Target, it is very freeing to have someone to walk the journey with you.

The Wall

During my time in college, there was one requirement that was seemingly universal for all students and it had nothing to do with SAT test, grade point averages or the freshman fifteen. It was ownership of a certain classic album. In the day of CD's, (wow, yet another 'back in my day' story. they are accumulating fast.) this was a double album. On typical college campuses this album was more universal than taking chemistry. It was Pink Floyd's The Wall.

I'll admit that I owned a copy. Listened to it once. Well, ok, I'll be totally honest, I listened to three-quarters of it once. I just didn't get it. The entire thing seemed like just a bunch of nonsense to me. Yet I kept it. Firmly entrenched in my wooden CD rack for all to see. Yes, of course I wanted to meet the requirements to attend college!

The guys who lived below me in the dorm also owned it and listened to it frequently - at least to Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2). They even had some very creative lyrics that I cannot possibly type here.

All and all it's just a...nother brick in the wall.

Now the lyrics loop has started in my head. Just great. This moment in classic rock has been brought to you (and I'm enduring the lyrics loop) so that I could bring up the subject of The Wall, because long before I acted out of my desperation I had him my own wall.

Not that I knew it at the time. After some reading about spiritual formation, it's a descriptor that I've put on my spiritual life in hindsight. The wall. Part of the inner struggle with the emotional stuff we bring to the table when we dine with Christ. Not sure that my emotional stuff was that severe compared to so many others, but that may be why it was so dangerous - crouching their unaddressed because they were not taken seriously. I don't have no stinkin' issues!

Here's the thing that hard experience has taught me about spiritual walls...they don't go away. You can't tunnel under them, jump over them or plow through them. In fact, there is really no way to ignore them. You can pretend to, but your wall (junk, issues, soul damage, or whatever you want to call it) will be there affecting your walk with Christ.

The issues that I was having in my close relationships, but my marriage in particular, brought me up face to face with my wall. I had doubts. Lots of questions of God. Maintaining connection with God was tough. I've since learned that this is a normal and healthy point to be at; part of our spiritual growth. Only I took it that something was wrong. I must be doing the wrong things if my relationship with God was this tough.

So I went back to where I was comfortable, where I felt on solid ground. Back to DOING stuff. Determinedly pressing on. Only I didn't know I was going backward, I just thought I had gotten around my hurdle, my wall. My job as pastor became my identity, especially my spiritual identity. Forming an unhealthy cord of three strands with my job was my expectation of approval and search for intimacy.

That seemed to make things better for awhile. Yet it was still there. Still being ignored. My wall. Little did I realize at the time that the strategy I had developed to ignore the affects of my issues on my relationship was setting me up for crisis. I was perverting the grace of God, creating an idol of my desire for happiness.

You see, the only was to get rid of your wall is to dismantle it. Piece by messy piece. That is what my original discontent was all about. I'd gotten to the edge and I needed to turn my spiritual attention inward. Allow the power of Christ to help you deal with your stuff.

And I missed it by a mile.

I think some of this discomfort at looking at my own stuff came from a misconception that I think is common among Christians. We are told that in Christ we are a new creation. The old is gone and the new is come. With that new creation comes an expectation that our struggles of old, the hurts, the habits, the thought processes all automatically disappear.

More magic pill Christianity. So, when we still struggle or when the old struggles resurface (as they will) we get discouraged. God may be allowing the issue to surface. He wants to work it for our good. Now that we are in Christ we can process it with the mind of Christ. We can be drawn deeper into the arms of God. Instead we refuse this opportunity for God to work good. We cover our shame (Adam and Eve anyone?) and we beat ourselves up for still being damaged. Why wouldn't we be? While God can clearly work miracles without us, in the Bible He usually responds to a step of faith by us.

The old indeed has gone. Old way of thinking. Old way of avoidance. Old way of pursuing our own happiness. Old way of coping with life out of our own strength. All gone. It is replaced by the new. Being in Christ. Taking our burden to Him. Allowing Him into our pain. What has come is the ability for healing, but the issue needs to have light shone on it.

I'd taken the magic pill and I was choking on it. Choking on my expectations and insecurities. Passivity. Retreating in conflict. Fear of rejection. Pride. Fear of disappointing others. Approval addiction. And a distrust of God. That is quite the list. Turns out I had more issues that I imagined.

The good news is that the wall is coming down. Brick by brick. The job is a little taller now because of the damage I did in my crisis. But I am developing the tools to overcome. Brokenness before God. Gratitude. Contentment in Christ. A few close men who can ask me anything and themselves who have to strength to pry. Someone to provide counsel.

I'm looking forward to what is on the other side of the wall.