Image Part 4: Reclaiming the Image

Jesus gives an interesting answer to an impossible question. When entrapped by the Pharisees and Herodians with the line "Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not?" Jesus calls for a coin.

This question was intended to sift Jesus, to see whose side He was on, so I'm sure the air was thick with anticipation. One side was going to rejoice that they'd found His weakness. When the coin comes, Jesus focuses solely on the image. Instead of determining whose side He was on, Jesus turns the tide like Maverick putting on the breaks for the MiG to blow by, and it becomes a question of whose side the question-askers were on.

"Whose portrait is this?" Jesus asks. He draws everyone to look at the image on the coin. It is clearly Caesar's. "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's..." and then the most fantastic part "and to God what is God's."

Jesus is reclaiming the broken image. Claiming ownership over all those who would have known the Genesis story by heart. God's image, though broken, was still part of everyone who heard Jesus' voice, and He was making a declaration that they should give themselves back to God.

In effect Jesus is dismissing this thing they have put so much value in. The Herodians with their identity in Rome and government support and protection. The Pharisees with their identity in following the rules and cleanliness. Jesus wants them to shed those false selves. See this coin, it belongs to Caesar, what's the big deal. Give it to him.

The false identities, attempts to cover the broken image, are self effort - products of the old, sinful self. Jesus is not trying to change their behavior here, He is reclaiming their image.

The image of God implies ownership and security. Jesus takes the shame away so we don't have to cover it by proving our own worth. Through Jesus we don't have to worry about Rome (or Washington), our spouses faults, body image, money, popularity, education, church size - we can stop pretending that our value and acceptability comes from those things.

That is freedom. That is rest. That is available only in Christ.

What are you seeking to be freed from?

In what ways do you struggle to let Christ reclaim the image?

The Lie

We are told by Christ that we are to deny ourselves. But what does that mean? Is it just an exercise in changing our behavior, like picking the bad fruit off our tree in order to deny its existence? What of the teaching that bad fruit indicates a bad tree?

Shedding the light of Christ on our lives is more than just an exercise in getting my behaviors to match his. As if He is the jello mold that I must stuff the ugly mess of my life into. That belittles Christ, creating an example to be followed - the proverbial good teacher that we are more comfortable dealing with.

Christ is Savior. He is Redeemer. He is into restoration.

What creates bad fruit is a bad tree. That is the miracle of Christ - He changes trees. If we let him, submit ourselves and open ourselves to Him. Examining our hearts, taking a journey inward, is not about narcissism, but about understanding, denial and the light of the King.

Maggie Scarf has an amazing book on family systems that is related to this discussion. In Intimate Worlds she examines the Beavers System Model, which is an assessment of family functioning. The Beavers System measures behavior on a scale of 1 (being optimal) to 5 (being the family dictated by their pain).

What is so interested about the discussion of family systems is that Scarf makes clear that each system is created by adults that come into the system with, and also creates in its offspring, rules which they live by. A life 'truth' if you will.

Whether the members of the system are aware of the rules at a conscious level or not, they are propagated throughout the system. For most of us, this becomes the feeding ground of the false self. It is the lie that we believe; the very lie that helps to produce the bad fruit we are spending so much effort trying to control.

We are born into a broken world. They system that we are in continues to break us. Instead of putting Humpty Dumpty back together again, he is stepped on a further cracked. Mind you, in our families, this is usually not intentional. Most parents do not try to hurt their kids, they were raised in a system too. This is not a blame game, it is an awareness issue.

I'll use myself as a case in point. My lie was "I have to earn my needs being met, but ultimately someone else will deserve it more." So, I was a people pleaser. Earning my affirmation. I did the 'right' things and looked the 'right' way so that I could earn God's favor (and hence, I guess, my salvation). In my marriage, since someone else always deserves it more, I became passive. This lie that I was not aware of and had not formulated was holding me captive. Combating the fruit was futile, I had to address the tree.

Once you know the lie, you can substitute the truth. Moreover, you can experience the freedom of the truth because you know what to deny. You know how the enemy will attack. Struggles will remain as the two natures or our new self and false self battle, but we will improve at fighting the battle.

Then, in our followship, we can move beyond infantile obedience of doing something because we are supposed (where we all start), and proceed into the freedom to obey because we have exchanged the lie for the truth of God in Christ.

Free To Be Me

I have a friend who was telling me about a conversation he had with his life coach and the excitement that he felt when told that he could be "free to be me". This was good advice for my friend, who is very much bound and gagged by many layers of protective behaviors.

So, for him the advice to be "free to be me" was allowing space to be imperfect. Creating safety to take of the mask and reveal the broken, yearning person underneath. Giving permission to like the things he does, regardless of whether those things fit in with what he is supposed to like. His life coach was speaking of healthy relational differentiation and developing the ability to love himself.

While the jury is still out on what my friend will do with this advice, being "free to be me" presents and interesting fork in the road. One path of the fork has the appearance of freedom, but it's an impostor. Too often I've seen people take the "free to be me" message to mean that it is OK to live in their brokenness and adopt that as their identity. So "free to be me" looks like free to lash out in anger, free to lust, free to gossip, or free to [insert sin here]. Freedom becomes a bulldozer. The need to live in this 'freedom' becomes a relational tyrant.

Remember the old Julia Roberts movie Sleeping with the Enemy? For those of you not in your early 40's, it is about a woman who lives with an extremely obsessive compulsive spouse. He wants the labels on cans facing the same way, the towels have to be perfectly even, she must look perfect and act happy. The consequence for failure or imperfection was physical violence - the lesson needs to be learned so it won't happen again. While the husband was just living "free to be me", he was a slave to his compulsive desire for perfection. So was his wife. She was devastated and her soul damaged by his freedom.

'Freedom', taken this way, holds both myself and those around me in bondage. That is the danger zone. True freedom should not infringe on the freedom of others. In fact, our freedom should allow others to flourish, blossom, and grow in their own. That is the other path on the fork.

This other path is the freedom to present our brokenness to the Father and allow Christ to be strong through us. Free to be dependent. Free to be weak. Free to allow Christ to bear our burdens for us. Freedom to not cover our shame with self effort, idols, and other's approval, but allow it to be covered in Christ. That is freedom that is life giving and gives us the freedom to love others. That is the freedom for which Christ set us free.

Back to The Cave

The lens presents us with a choice. We can either live in light of the truth, the gospel lens, that says that God has already solved our biggest problem or we can believe the lie and remain trapped by our false identity, constantly serving it to keep it satisfied. This choice is just like the one presented in The Cave.

If you recall, the view of reality for those held prisoner in the cave was just a shadow of a made up world. Each person's identity was a cave dweller, sitting and watching the shadows. Yet, when the chains were released, there is a choice and a new identity can be created. The person can leave the cave and experience the wonder and beauty of things unknown. This new world that was created for them was there all along, they just needed to make the steps to enter in.

Freedom is the gospel lens. Entering the light is part of the lens of Jesus. In it there is a light burden and there is no enslavement.

Yet, what if someone chose to remain in the cave? This is entirely possible. We see it all the time. Even being a prisoner is comfortable. It is known. There is no risk, no change, no possible pain. It is easy to simply sit back down and watch the shadows.

The Israelites did this as they trudged through the desert. Shouting down Moses, demanding to turn around because at least in Egypt they had meat in their pot. It is well documented that prisoners get comfortable being institutionalized. Experiencing the expanse of the world, being force to make decisions on the outside become difficult and painful. So much easier to embrace the shadows.

But to believe the lie, to cling to the false identity, is to miss freedom. To continue looking through the dirty lens means that our energy will continually be expended placating and satisfying the false self. And the demands of the false self grow and grow and grow, and we struggle more and more and more to meet them in an exhausting cycle that brings less and less satisfaction.

Look at the twelve step program. In its essence, these programs do a wonderful job. The intent of a program like Alcoholics Anonymous is to identify alcoholism and call it what it is for the purpose of changing the lens. When you read through the twelve steps, the only one that mentions alcohol is number 1. The rest of the steps highlight the process of shedding the old identity and substituting it with another based on God.

Where this process fails is when the person involved misses the point and instead clings to the identity of alcoholic. Believing the lie that their struggle defines them, trapped in the cave of shame and sorrow rather than experiencing true freedom.

You and I, as followers of Christ, are free of the lie. We have the ability to walk out of the cave and become what God intended us. Experiencing His love and letting it renew and strengthen us daily. As the Paschal Mystery describes, though, we cannot be blessed by the new if we are still clinging to the old - if we refuse to walk up the steps, refusing to look through the gospel lens.

Happy New Year!

I spent the New Year aboard a cruise ship, so this particular entry is a couple days late. But, I figured better better late than waiting until next New Year's Eve when none of this will make any sense. By the way, nothing like a cruise vacation as far as unplugging. On a ship in international waters, no phone, texts, tweets, computer, email, nothing buy my family and a choice book or two. Love it.

What an astounding year it has been. Started with the ultimate low of having to admit to my wife and closest friends how far I fell and ended with an ever increasing awareness of the joys of living in the grace of God. It was a year in the desert. A year of restoration and discovering trust. A year of working on a resurrected marriage rather than a resuscitating an old one. A year of taking the awkward, sometimes painful steps on the journey to strength. And a year that has ended with God allowing me the blessing of a second chance. God has done too much.

Looking ahead is humbling and overwhelming. I start a new job tomorrow. God's timing, yet He let me in on the timeline from the beginning. A reward for trying to learn the discipline of being still? Whatever it is I may not sleep tonight. My head is joyfully aswim with ideas and possibilities.

There is a new dimension to my calling. I feel it so clearly. Like giving birth. A book. I don't know where it will lead, but since God is calling me there, I will follow. Trust. Writing, proclaiming is not something I feel sure of, but I am sure of the one who restored me. So I'll make the steps.

So what of 2011? As I think about what I have begun to learn about myself lately, some of which I detailed in my post regarding the relationship within me between the physical and spiritual, I think the theme for this year is discipline. More specifically discipline springing forth from God's love.

Here's the thing, and I know for some of you this may be elementary Christianity 101 (although I'm fairly certain there is a huge camp of Christians that will be like I was in this), this is not an attitude of discipline so I will look the part in order to win His approval and look acceptable to those around me. That's the old mask, living the life of good intentions and self effort. Feigning spiritual disciple as a way to make myself righteous.

What discipline springing forth from God's love is living in the truth that I'm already accepted by God. He knows my brokenness and embraces me in spite of it. My core need for love is met by Him. It is the freedom to pursue Him knowing that my success or failure does not make Him love me more or less. Discipline becomes the response to love rather than the precursor to earning it.

I knew that the former was a trick of the enemy. But while my head knew it, my heart did not. The truth had not yet made the descent. Ironically, my effort was keeping the descent from happening. Harder I tried the more isolated from God I felt. Funny how that works.

This year's theme is perfectly timed by God. I'm coming out of the desert, with all the stresses and temptations that will bring with it. Spiritual leadership must spring forth from the spiritual life; a life of making myself fully known to God. Abandonment of the spiritual life, misplacing that priority, not living in trust, living the lie would likely (or certainly) lead the the same spiral of futility that I've already experienced.

I can't wait to see what God is going to bring in the next year (or decade). Experience has shown me an overwhelming majority of Christians leading the spiritual life I formerly did. The mask, the lie, the self effort, the loneliness. My prayer is that God will use what I learned in the desert to help me lead people to begin their journey inward and ultimately to a fruitful relationship of living out of the abundance of God's love.

God's Doppler Shift

Ever been standing still when an ambulance or fire truck passes you with its siren wailing? You notice right away that the sound of the siren as it approaches is different that the sound it makes when it gets further away. Same siren...different sound. It's a matter of perspective. As the siren approaches, the sounds waves scrunch together creating one tone and as the siren goes away the waves stretch out. New tone. Here is a picture to attempt clarification:

It is amazing the difference your perspective can make. Another instance would be if you were driving a good, safe 55 miles per hour in your car. When another car passes you going 70 mph, from your frame of reference the car that passes appears to be going 15 mph, but if you were standing on the side of the road hitchhiking the car would certainly seem to be going 70. It's all about your perspective.

Fairly simple observations like that take a great deal of physics equations to describe. Sometimes it is like that with simple stuff, it's just a little more complicated that it appears on the surface.

Yesterday I took a walk and something like that clicked in place for me. Perspective. Specifically, what perspective am I drawing my view of self from. Lately I have been stuck feeling like a used McDonald's styrofoam container (I know they don't use them anymore, but work with me here). Used up and discarded. Feeling worthless and full of regret.

One of the things that has been tough to navigate on my journey to restoration has been people's response to me. For the record, I know that what I did was selfish and stupid. A betrayal of the trust of my spouse, friends and church members. You will not find me shirking that reality. With that said, I know that trust and friendship is earned and that takes a lot of time.

What I was not expecting was the distance. The running away. Like I have spiritual leprosy that others could catch. "I'll call you"...and then nothing. Doing lunch...then met with excuses about getting together in the future. I've grieved over this rejection which has been feeding my sense of worthlessness and unworthiness.

Something clicked yesterday, though. What I was feeding myself was generated by other people's perspective. Not God's. Thinking from God's vantage point, I am fully loved. Jesus still died for me, that did not expire. Sure God is disappointed, but I'm forgiven. He is not discarding me, He is using this for my good, my strengthening, and the good of His kingdom. It is His perspective that I have to live out of.

That's been my Doppler Shift. Accepting myself as God sees me...not so I can stay the same, but so that He can change me and lead me through His plan for me. That's the irony. In the old way of thinking I was going to get stuck. Stuck in regret. Stuck in hopelessness. In this new perspective I am open to God's change, and more accepting of the process - painful as it is.

I think that is what Peter had in mind when he wrote "set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed." My hope and my perspective must be fully focused on the grace of God. Thank you God for that.

Father Forgive Me

I wrote most of this blog entry on March 25th but never posted it. Never felt done to me; something was missing. After talking with a friend yesterday, we stumbled onto the one missing fragment that would make all this bind together.

"Father forgive me." I remember saying that to the priest every week when I was a kid. In case I haven't mentioned or you forgot, I grew up Roman Catholic. The whole confession thing made a huge impression on me, a scar that had been with me up until recently. Forgiveness was earned. That was the truth seared into my soul. There were hoops to jump through, it was all about religion. That was the impression the practice of confession and penance left upon my adolescent mind. Do what it takes to keep God happy.

Of course, I am not knocking confession. That is a necessity for a transparent, authentic relationship. We are to confess to one another; it is the idea that someone doles out forgiveness or the steps to forgiveness in the place of God. In fact, there's only supposed to be one intermediary between God and man...but I digress slightly.

Confession is for God. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and forgives our sins. No mention of Hail Marys, rosaries, or Our Fathers. Just forgiveness. Grace given to us from the hand of God.

This is an idea that struck me as I was reading about David and Bathsheba. When confronted by Nathan, David says "I have sinned against the Lord." Not that he hadn't also sinned against Bathsheba, Uriah, Joab, and even Nathan as he indignantly lied to his face. But David knew where forgiveness started.

Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. - Psalm 51:4

With my new perspective, when I read the account of David and Nathan I understand why David came to this conclusion. God had anointed David king. He delivered him from the hand of Saul. God gave him the house of Israel and Judah. If that wasn't enough, He then promised if that was too little David would have been given more. David was thumbing his nose at God and defying His law. As if David made his own way as king. Or as if he could now go his own way. It was a bold faced denial of God's sovereign power in his life. Like a dare. I dare you God to take it away.

I did the same thing. Ignored God. Put my pursuit of Him on hold. Denied my heart for Him and made the pursuit of my happiness the main thing. It worked out poorly for David and likewise it worked out poorly for me.

My pursuit of happiness caused me to focus on everyone else's sins. How my wife was wronging me. Perceived betrayal by friends. Anyone who tried to get in my way was automatically deemed wrong. Didn't matter what they said.

So it is from this vantage point that I understand David's seemingly oblivious words that it was against God alone that he sinned. Until I sought forgiveness from God, I was incapable of seeking forgiveness from anyone else. That realization had to be first. It's the lynch pin. Without God's forgiveness nothing else of value can happen. Against him alone had I sinned.

It did not just apply to seeking forgiveness, but offering it as well. I could not genuinely offer my wife my forgiveness until I was forgiven by God. I could not forgive others until I had received the grace that God promises.

I would always say I'd forgiven my wife. In truth I was just burying it. You're supposed to look the part of the happy, well-adjusted couple, right? That was the mask I was wearing. The pit I was stuck in. Mr. Forgiveness. Only it was a facade. My expectations of her were still intact. I wanted to say I'd forgiven because I wanted to get.

For me it was a hard place to get to, receiving God's grace. Accepting myself, imperfections and all. Realizing God loves me and knows all about the imperfections. He wants to grow me beyond them, but first I have to acknowledge awareness of my weaknesses and lay them at His feet. Stop only playing the part and put the mask away.

One of the results of finally being able to accept and live in the grace and mercy of God has been a return of my love for people. Not a selfish love because of the affirmation or affection I could get, but love born out of love and forgiveness. He who is forgiven much forgives much. By gratefully receiving, I have a greater desire to give. It is freedom - freedom from expectations, freedom from worldly measures of wealth, freedom from the mask - free to be who God made me. All because I accepted a forgiveness that I didn't earn.

Being George

I love the TV show Seinfeld. With the exception of a few of the season one episodes, there is not another sitcom that was as consistently funny as Jerry and the gang. There is a favorite episode of mine that I'll keep on the dvr for awhile when I manage to catch it on late night. Putty, his Jesus fish, 'resurrected' radio stations, and him telling Elaine to steal the neighbor's newspaper because "I'm not the one going to hell." Makes me laugh every time.

In another episode, more related to today's blog, George decides after ordering tuna on toast that he always orders tuna on toast and it is time to start doing things differently. He's achieved no success the way he's lived, so he decides to do everything the exact opposite of his first impulse. This starts with ordering chicken salad on rye (is that the opposite of tuna on toast, Jerry says) and culminates with George Costanza chewing out George Steinbrenner during a job interview. "Hire this man!" declares Steinbrenner much to the surprise of the executive interviewing Costanza. Apparently, some on the Internet have more time to waste than I do, for a simple google search turned up the entire script of the episode of The Opposite, including George's diatribe:

Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!

If only doing the opposite of your first impulse or of your habitual behavior was so easy or immediately successful. Right now in my marriage I feel like I am being George. My tendency has been to seeking approval in my relationships. Within my marriage this was no different. As my wife pushed me further away, I tried all the harder to make her happy. I knew all along that her happiness was not to be found in me, just as my happiness was not in my relationship with her, but over time as little things bring relief they tend to become part of your relational arsenal.

Because part of my wife's coping strategy was to assume control, both of us tipped the balance of our marriage away from the traditional roles that God has intended. This is not to say I was a glorified labrador retriever, but my tendency was toward passivity because it kept the peace and was easier to deal with.

Now I'm having to do the opposite.

Of course, this does not mean that I need to hit a guardrail, put on the wife beater t-shirt, and become a ruthless dictator in my home, but a big part of my journey is assuming strength in my marriage and other relationships. This is tough. It is always tough to unlearn old behaviors and relearn new ones.

Especially when the new behaviors are met with resistance rather than instantaneous success. My wife is having to go through the same process. Even tougher for her is the idea of trusting my leadership. She has told me before that her fight is against submitting and having a natural respect for my position as husband. It would be so much easier to travel the path of least resistance.

Of course, not changing would be easier in the short term, but worse for our marriage and our souls in the long term. So for now I continue in the awkwardness of establishing new patterns. It's like having been sitting for too long in the same position and making those first steps with your legs completely asleep; you have to look at your feel to know they are moving. It feels so unnatural, but you can look up and know that you're getting somewhere.

In the Seinfeld episode, while George is on his way up by doing the opposite - Elaine is on her way down. She loses her job. Her boyfriend. And her apartment. At one point she laments "I'm George, I'm George!"

One thing I am trying to avoid in becoming the man God wants me to be, is that I don't want my wife to feel devalued, used, or pushed around. Hopefully as I lead my marriage well, she'll feel free to be feminine. Experiencing trust and security; a couple of the things that God has designed for her to get out of the marital relationship.

Strength is not found in my controlling her or even in making every decision. But in setting up boundaries for our family. In communicating values and expectations clearly. In serving and loving her. Making our relationship my ministry. Serving her not to keep the peace nor for my own approval, but a service that is out of my desire for my wife to know she is loved and that she can follow me as I follow God.

We both have to understand that final responsibility for our marriage and its fruit, good or bad, lies with me. Adam forgot that principle in the garden. At some point in the past I forgot it as well. But God has renewed my passion for my wife, and part of that has come from experiencing the freedom that comes with assuming the proper role. I don't want to play a part. I'm not following a script.

I'm thankful that God doesn't accept me based on my performance because I am messing this up a lot. My hope is for long term change so that my wife and I can minister to others, can lead within the church again, and can impact our daughter with what a healthy relationship looks like. Her future depends upon this too. I'm just looking forward to when it feels more natural that walking with your legs asleep.

My New Shirt

This weekend represented the one year anniversary of my totally losing my mind. A friend of mine commented about the distance that I have travelled this past year. It is unbelievable the depths that I had to fall to and the painful self-inspection that I had to do in order to get to this place of grace and trust in God. I guess other people, in addition to my friend, are noticing and responding to the changes in me.

I was asked to visibly participate for the first time this weekend in the Easter services at my church. Lately I have been getting back outside my self imposed box. Greeting people before service, initiating conversations with seemingly disconnected people so that they will feel connected to someone - just something small. The eagerness that I feel to get involved is a big part of the healing process, especially getting to the point where I feel like I have something to offer.

The caveat that was given to me when I was asked to serve was that I had to dress "super cool". Quickly I suppressed the thoughts of "well, how the heck do I usually look?" and I was too excited and overwhelmed to throw out the joke "yeah, wife beater and cut-offs, no problem." After discussing the opportunity with my wife (and the accompanying caveat - to which we both laughed), she was excited for me - it is becoming clearer and clearer through our conversations that she is ready to accept me doing what God wants. Quite the change going on in her. Involvement is not something to be jealous of. My attitude and boundaries will help keep her supportive rather than combative. Yet another lesson learned.

Now, how do we address the suggestion to look "super cool"? Pretty sure that is not in my wardrobe. Cool - quite possibly. Casual - for sure. In fact, there are times that I have been know to look super. Never super cool. Please don't worry over those statements, that is just a reality of myself that I'm comfortable with, not a desire for someone to affirm how I look. I've got a master's degree in Mathematics - a group that will never be known as "super cool" - so I have to admit that given that background I think I excel in the area of style.

Yet, as amazing as this mathematician looks, I had to delegate the Easter weekend outfit choice to my wife. Jeans. That was easy. I have some great shoes that a friend's wife bought for me (yes, my previous style choice was so bad that someone had their own personal intervention). But the shirt - always perilous. After surveying the choices, my wifey immediately offered to take me to Kohl's. (By the way, the only thing I love more than Kohl's is parenthetical remarks, as you can tell from this blog. Our house has a special celebration dance when we get mailed a 30% off Kohl's coupon. That coupled with my proclivity to shop on the 80% off rack makes stuff almost free - hey, wait, that may be part of my problem. I'm shopping on the 80% off rack - I'm buying the clothes no one else wants. Wow, more self realization.)

Anyway, she offers to take me to Kohl's and I said no. I've got more than enough clothes to choose from, we are going to pick from what I have.

Never would I have predicted just how important that response was to my wife. Fast forward to three days later. We are enjoying a family weekend away. Making up for some lost time. The shirt decision has long since been made. As we unpack, my wife says "I've got a present for you." That's great. I love presents - that maybe she was going to give me a kiss or a can of cashews to enjoy by the pool. (We'll keep this G-rated as to what I was hoping the present was.) Nope. It was a shirt. She had secretly gone out and got something "pretty super cool". The purchase was made, not because she thought what we settled on was bad; not because we have extra money burning a hole in our bank account; simply because she was proud of my declaration.

Her observation was that the old me would have run right out to buy something new in order to appease people's opinions. My firm choice to pick from what I had meant everything to her for it was outward evidence of change within me. Less people-pleasing.

I could not have faked this moment, it is not even something that I would have been aware to change or a way to show her I had changed. It was just a natural expression of my new comfort with who I am in Christ.

Glad she noticed.

Hitting the Guardrails

I have been known as a guy who can hit guardrails. If during a meeting someone would tell me that I was being too loud, then I would (loudly) declare that I would no longer be speaking. Some of this was for show, yet some of this had an internal component too. While the emotional guardrails had been present with me for a long time, more and more they were becoming evident in my behavior. If I didn't enter the work environment with brashness, jokes, hugs and clever greetings then people would go on alert that something was wrong.

This began happening more and more frequently. When asked I would make a joke that everyone could stand down the 'suicide watch', that I just wanted to be quiet, couldn't I just act like a normal guy one day. That would at least satiate people's expressed concern. Trouble was, something was wrong.

Yesterday, my wife and I were talking about our days, and as we were chatting I told her that for the past few weeks I have just felt happy. It wasn't something that I was trying to achieve, it just WAS and it felt great. That used to be my 'normal', just a happy and content guy. (Although, in my previous 'normal' the happiness had more to do with people liking me, but it was at least not a battle to maintain a state of happiness.)

Now I know that some people will read this and think that I am missing the point, happiness is not our goal. Trust me, lesson learned, I know this. I'm not living for a feeling. Feelings are deceptive, they will change and diminish. I have lived in slavery to my feelings and I feel qualified to make the distinction. So maybe my word choice is not great, after all I am trying to blog and I don't want this to be overly scripted. Maybe what is going on would be better conveyed through words like joyful, confident, grateful, forgiven, secure, or maybe it is all those rolled into one.

What I am driving at is this is not a matter of a happiness because something good has happened to change my circumstance. In fact, much of my circumstance is still in confusion. Many of my relationships are still very damaged and there is a community of people that still have a perception of my fallen legacy. I have no guarantees of being the perfect husband or father, of having the perfect marriage, of having the ministry that my soul longs for daily, or of so many other things. But that is not the stuff that matters.

No longer do I continually battle the inner turmoil that I had been. Looking to my circumstances and the fulfillment of my expectations to define the quality of my relationship with God. It used to be that criticisms or deficiencies left an open wound of hurt in me. Loneliness consumed me in my marriage as my wife was battling with my expectations (and losing) and had baggage of her own that she was fighting to avoid. In a gathering with some friends last night, we declared "We are messed up!" So funny to hear us declare the obvious - at least we were laughing instead of crying or yelling.

It is ironic that running from or masking your fears makes you so much more likely to be hurt by them. That was one of my growing problems, I was a slave to my mask and who I wanted others to think I was. My guardrails became more frequent because this was getting harder and harder to maintain. Happiness now comes from embracing the freedom that Christ gives. Trusting God with my fears. Accepting His grace to not be absolutely perfect in everything that I do.

I just laughed as I hit the enter key at the end of the previous line. That seems so simple. It used to frustrate me when an author would make such a simple statement and move on. In fact, I once was so pissed off at a particular book I kept yelling "yes, I want that" while circling the offensive paragraph in the book. I ended up circling a hole through about 100 pages. Oh well, what's fifteen bucks when you're having so much fun.

This is the place I expected to be when I started typing awhile ago. But if you are not just walking the journey with me, but are rather looking for hope and happen to see a glimmer of yourself in anything I've said in this or some other post, please don't give up. I know. It's frustrating and I'm not going to leave the story there. To be able to talk about freedom, trust and grace has been an exhausting and painful process that I'll dive deep into in our times together. I used to have all the knowledge in my head, but there was a disconnect with my heart, which became the most frustrating thing of all. Why was God so far away and so quiet? Turns out the problem was with me and not God. Go figure.