Walking with Brokenness

As I was sorting through my funk a couple weeks ago, one of the questions that I kept focusing on was "is it fair, or even possible, to pursue the calling that I believe God has on my life while my wife deals with her brokenness - and I deal with mine for that matter?" Questions like that one make the destination so much further away and unachievable. Like trying to navigate a boat in a dense fog. Which way do you go? There is light out there, but it is so hard to see.

With that rolling around in my head, the funk go more and more.

Then, during some time with God, this thought flashed through my head...where was Peter's wife?

When you read the accounts of Jesus healing Peter's mother-in-law, Peter's wife is not mentioned at all. Does that seem curious to anyone else? There is no description of her worry for her mother's fever, no asking Jesus to heal her, no expression of thankfulness after the healing, and even more - mother-in-law began to wait on Jesus - again no mention of Peter's wife in all this.

Of course, there is probably some great reason for this, but maybe there is some back story here that we don't know or expect because we sometimes take the skin and humanity off of our Bible characters. Maybe Peter's wife resented Jesus. After all Peter just up and left his job one day to follow Jesus around the countryside. I'm sure food still needed to be put on the table and there were the proverbial bills to pay. Maybe she resented Peter for following Jesus. Now more household responsibility fell on her and she just couldn't take being around when the two of them came over. But, it really seems to me a stretch to think she would not be home with a sick mom laying in the house. Or maybe she didn't believe. Peter was being gullible. Other 'messiahs' had come and gone and left nothing but trouble. Maybe this miracle was for her so she'd believe that Jesus was different.

I wonder (of course assuming any of this has root in truth) how Peter would handle this situation. Was he frustrated with his wife's lack of faith? Did he feel torn? Was he tempted to not follow? Can you imagine the tragedy that would be, not living out his calling from Christ? Yet, history tells us that Peter's wife went to Rome to die with him. Apparently, Peter's obedience in responding to Christ's call got her to follow as well.

When confronted with such a situation, wouldn't it be easier to try to wiggle out like Adam - "Hey God, everything here was cool until you sent the woman to get us into the pile of trouble." Peter, or anyone else struggling with marriage difficulties, could cite a similar statement to justify disobedience.

Truth is, my wife and I are both broken followers of Christ. Aren't we all? Somehow, at times, I get it into my head that she needs to achieve a certain measure of wholeness before it will be possible to pursue my call. Sometimes I wonder if God didn't make a mistake, and ask is it even fair of me to follow Jesus around the countryside at all. For her, doesn't that just make overcoming brokenness that much harder?

But God keeps beckoning. I have to follow his call, it's who I am. The truth is that brokenness is not the problem. Not mine. Not my wife's. God knew before calling us and continues to expect that we are broken. It's part of the deal with being a human living in a fallen world. Being wounded is not the concern, God can and will use that. But are we actively living the the power of Christ to make steps toward overcoming the brokenness. That is trust and faithfulness. He'll control the outcome, we control our next step.

It's in the Suffix

My root sin is pride. One of the ways that this sin entangles me is through a fear of being a disappoint-ment. It seems so ironic that not wanting to feel like a disappoint-ment had a part to play in disappoint-ing everyone who knew me.

For some time I've felt like a disappoint-ment to my wife. If she's not going to follow me or respect me, then it must be because I have not met her expectations. I'm a disappoint-ment. So, when you throw people pleasing into this cruel cocktail that is my personality, you get someone who is going to work harder and harder to win the approval of this most significant relationship.

In my pride, I thought success and happiness rested squarely on my shoulders. And I was failing. My wife and I were farther apart than ever.

That takes us to the irony. I never wanted to be the American pastoral cliche. Said that would never happen to me (careful how you use the word 'never', just be on your guard). But someone came along who enjoyed me. Sought out time with me. Respected what I did and told me how good I was at it. My pride at it up. The things I wanted desperately from my wife were coming from someone else. My heart wasn't prepared for it. Success was defined by performance, and to this woman I was performing well.

I became a disappoint-ment.

Or so I thought.

Even after the change God has worked throughout the fabric of my being, even after the miracle, even after so much of my Wall has been deconstructed, I was still stuck feeling like a disappoint-ment.

It was east to retreat to this place when still so many people defined me by my sin. No being witness to the work and change. After all this time, change, and retooling by God - some still viewed me through the lens of failure. So that's how I allowed myself to view me. (That is the worst wording ever. That's what you get from a blog, I guess. Hope the point comes through.)

I was reading Mark 14 some time ago. After Jesus predicted Peter's denial, He invited Peter along to pray. Pretty intense moment and He still brought Peter along. Jesus knew it was intense; the disciples not so much, they couldn't stay awake. When Jesus returned to them He says "Simon, are you asleep? Could you not keep watch for an hour?"

Even after telling him to watch and pray so he'd be ready for the upcoming temptation, Peter falls asleep. Again. Disappoint-ing. But not a disappoint-ment. It occurred to me...Jesus knew. When Jesus picked his disciples, He knew their weaknesses. Predicting Peter's denial evidenced that He know what was about to take place. While these events were disappoint-ing, Peter was not a disappoint-ment. Jesus knew.

He knew the events in Peter's life that He would have to use for Peter's good. This was not a shock. I would only be a disappoint-ment if Peter's life was defined by his failure.

And the same is true for me.

Regardless of what anyone else thinks, to the One who matters - who created me, loves me, died for me, called me - to Him I am not a disappoint-ment. In fact, the only way I could be is if I let this event in my life define who I was. Rather than letting the forgiveness, mercy, and grace of Christ be the basis for my life.

I admit that it is hard to understand how God would knowingly use this. But He is. It's disappoint-ing, but it will not forever define me. I am not typecast. The change that God brings about will be what defines me.

There is no way I'll find that disappoint-ing.

I Can Handle It!

I was looking for hand soap. You know, the little pump bottle that sits by your sink. Only, to show my love and support for my wife struggle with OCD, I was looking for the Lysol no hands soap dispensing system at Target. This was a surprise for her. My wife likes to wash her hands a lot. Although, this did involve a gadget thus my sense of manliness was heightened.

Trouble was, in the rows and rows of junk none of us really needs at Target, I could not find this little electronic device. Thought it'd be with the other hand soap dispensers - the low tech hand pumps. I actually went down the aisle twice, because where else was it going to be. Certainly not with the croc pots. Or the digital cameras. The primary purpose of this thing is to dispense soap. Where in the world was it.

Just as I was starting to feel like 'no good deed goes unpunished', I decided to do what men rarely do. Especially men who are looking for an automatic soap dispenser at Target (what, are you too LAZY to pump your own soap?).

I asked for directions.

The good lady in a red shirt and khakis walked with me to the liquid soap aisle, probably wondering why men couldn't figure this out for themselves. (As an aside, why is it necessary to have an entire aisle for liquid soap? Excessive?) Apparently I had neglected to look behind the pole that was in front of the shelves. Great location. Right behind the support pole holding up the roof of the Target store was a single row of this new item from Lysol. Well, at least asking for directions paid off.

Actually, it was very freeing to ask for help. No longer did I have to manage the problem, it was someone else's responsibility. If only I could have done that with the larger issue in my life. As I've mentioned before, my root sin was pride. Huge pride. Because of it, I couldn't let anyone help me.

So I diligently wore my mask. Not letting anyone see the real me, the pain I was feeling, or how lost, alone, frustrated and discouraged I usually felt. That's not how Christ followers are supposed to feel, right. I can handle it. No help or guidance necessary. Pride.

This was part of the wall I encountered that I touched on some in the last blog. In order to manage God, rather than letting him lead me in submission or realize my dependence, I worked. In my mind I equated my relationship with God with my performance and approval. My life was concealed behind the mask. Marriage had to be fine. I had to feign a connection to God that I rarely felt.

Only problem, was that underneath the mask, I was still longing for intimacy. A good desire. One implanted within us by God. We are to seek it first and foremost from Him. Like everything else, good things can quickly turn bad when we try to handle it ourselves.

That was my problem. So when I 'became friends' with a woman at church, I knew I could handle it. As boundaries that I had established for my behavior kept getting erased and redrawn, I knew I could handle it. As I continued to lie to God, myself, and others, I knew that I could handle it. As I hid my cell phone from the sight of everyone around me, I knew that I could handle it. As I made excuses to be out of the house, I know I could handle it. As my behavior got further and further away from Christ likeness, I knew I could handle it.

Behind my mask I had become what I hated. A pastoral cliche. Someone I had read articles about on ChristianityToday.com. Someone I had vowed never to be. (Peter replied, "Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will." More symmetry in my life with Peter.)

The mask was getting too tight. Unfortunately, I wore the mask pretty well. The Monday before I resigned, I was at a poorly attended prayer night at church. Everything was a mess and I knew it. I was starting to come to realization that I couldn't handle the way I was. (Yet, even in this moment my desire wasn't to submit my will to God, I knew how to solve the problem...another time for that one). So I asked another pastor to pray for me. All I told him was my life was a mess and I didn't know what to do.

His response, "I shouldn't be praying for you, you should pray for me, my life is the one that's a mess." (btw, he did pray for me, he wasn't being callous, I'm just illustrating how 'effective' I was). In that moment, there was a part of me happy. Pride was winning.

Everything did fall apart soon after. In fact, 'fall apart' is gentle. Exploded is better. That's a blog for a different day. Looking back, it is sometimes hard to know what I could have done differently. So many different things were wrong. It is easy to prescribe solutions from this side of growing strength and spiritual health. Bottom line is that I didn't have to spiritual tools to deal with my marriage. I lacked humility and forgiveness. I was following my happiness rather than Jesus.

For whatever reason, I also lacked someone to talk to. Someone outside the work environment; strong enough to hold me accountable. Someone that wasn't expecting anything from me. Maybe a professional, but definitely connected to God, the source of wisdom and life. If allowed only one change, that'd be the one I'd make.

I couldn't handle it. Just like being in Target, it is very freeing to have someone to walk the journey with you.

Great Expectations

The Bible character that I have identified with most during the recovery phase of my spiritual journey has been Peter. Of course, right? Everyone picks a good character. No one ever wants to be Judas or Ananias. Kind of reminds me of one of Kevin Costner's lines in the movie Bull Durham "How come everyone was someone famous in their previous life?" Only, I don't identify with Peter because of his successes, I could only hope to be a millionth the follower of Christ that he was, but because of the relatability of his failures.

In my mind now is the moment of Peter's denial. As he is being questioned around the fire about being a follower of Jesus who is now standing trial in a courtyard within Peter's view. Truth is, Peter was not a follower of THIS Jesus. Peter was not following a guy who was going off to die. As evidenced in the garden a few hours earlier, Peter was ready for a fight - he was a follower of Jesus the conqueror. The one who was going to free Israel from Rome and restore her to greatness among the nations.

Peter was following his expectations of Jesus. Probably all the disciples were. Maybe that is why Jesus was still so frustrated with them and why the twelve were having problems understanding the teaching of Jesus about why He was going to Jerusalem. It was hard to understand because that was not at all what these dudes were expecting.

I did this. And I don't think I am nearly the only one. Some start on their way with Christ following expectations rather than reality. Prosperity teaching makes sure that many are ripe for a quick let down. But others, like me, fall into following their expectations rather gradually - almost imperceptibly - until frustration begins to set in. As I've said before, for me God was someone to be pleased. The way my life was going indicated how well I was doing spiritually. And I then made the gradual shift to following my expectations rather than following Jesus.

It goes something like this - if I'm doing what I should, my marriage will work out and provide me happiness. If I'm doing what I should, then I'll get more opportunities to speak and teach. Peace in my home, a wife who expressly loves and respects me, growing opporunities for ministry, affirmation and approval, these were some of the expectations that I was following. It was pride. That was my root sin. I had traded the truth of Christ for the lie of my expectations. It wasn't health and wealth, but it was definitely a subtler form of prosperity.

That's the lie. Fathered by Satan, that life in Christ will be everything you want it to be. That you can have your cake and eat it too. There is a way to avoid the testing of your faith by trial and refining by fire. I bit on the lie and made my own way, and when things continued to fall short of my expectations I played God and made up my own rules. Lack of trust in God. Pride gone wild.

Christ paints a different picture. This life will have trials, this world will hate us for following him, following him will bring division in our families and relationships, those without the spirit won't understand us, we have to deny ourselves and take up or cross, there will be thorns in the flesh - that doesn't sound like the life of fulfilled worldly expectations.

I knew that. I used to counsel people about their sufferings leading to perseverance leading to character leading to hope. Hope in Christ was not what I was clinging to, it was rather hope in my expectations. Misplaced hope can do nothing but disappoint.

Peter eventually learned this. We all know what history says - he was crucified upside down; he shouted encouragement to his wife as she was lead to her death. Sounds like a guy who overcame his expectations and followed Jesus. Not because of what Jesus could do, but because of what He already had done - dying for his sins, so he could have reconcilliation with God and eternity with Him in heaven. Gratitude for what matters most.

I am grateful for God's love and for second chances (and for third and fourth chances too!). It has taken alot for me to get my perspective back in line - I have had to lose (or better stated, throw away) everything that I thought mattered so that I could see that God is enough - in fact, that He is the only thing. Although it tries to rear its ugly head, my pride has been replaced by brokenness and a first-hand understanding that I am dependent upon God. That makes me grateful for everything even when it's not what I expected.