The Man(boy) Response

All around us, we can observe a herd of man(boy)s. Full grown men, who externally appear to be adult males, whose only desire is to sit at home and play video games and shirk the responsibilities that come with adulthood. You will usually find these man(boy)s living in the basement of their parent's home eating peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches that their moms have trimmed the crust off of.

Not too long ago, I worked with a woman whose husband had two video game systems, had set up a separate game room, and had walled himself off - despite her pleas to be with him and her desire to know this man(boy). One of the frustrating experiences she had with him was on a couples camping trip when he brought the game system to play with his friends while the women made their own wilderness fun. Happened to be their last camping trip.

So, it is with that exposition that I understand why it is in the church we have laid down the gauntlet for men to be men. Men to be responsible for their families. Men to step up in church. Men to stop manipulating and using women.

There are a lot of man(boy)s out there.

But, I think there is danger in attempting to balance the scales by weighting our message too far in the other direction. Creating false blanket statements about manhood in an attempt to smoke out the man(boy)s.

The message evolves into - if you are a man experiencing problems in the home, then the problem is your leadership. There must be something wrong with the way you are following Christ. Men's shoulders become heavy with the burdens that we heap upon them.

Yes, of course, we should teach about biblical manhood and what role and responsibility have been given to men by God. But we cannot lump all problems on the shoulders of men.

Following Christ is not a formula. Putting in X will always give you Y.

That is the gospel of performance. It is a lie, leads to shame and slavery. And offers nothing to guys like the one in my office last week who is trying to do everything right. Leading his family by godly principles. Offering more of himself to his family. Stepping up in church. Yet, he continues to experience the pain of a woman who refuses to follow him.

A guy who is so frustrated by the message that there are untold numbers of women in the church that are looking for a godly man to commit to. He's completely frustrated in his relationship to a woman who has made a decision to wall herself off emotionally, to not allow herself to be known by him, to not respect his decisions, and to basically combat the decisions and actions he's made as he tries to lead his family in godliness.

He's not perfect, but he is shamed by pastoral tweets that say "a good wife is forged not found". Implying that it is the man's responsibility to create a godly wife. That's performance gospel.

He's dejected by the statement that "the greatest display of grace that God can have in your life is a godly wife". That the gospel of circumstance. What is the conclusion for the man who does not have a godly wife? Is God's grace unavailable? Only available to a lesser degree? Is God's grace circumstantial?

This is so opposite the message we give to wives of unbelieving husbands, who get our sympathy, yet husbands with difficult or unbelieving wives are made to believe they are doing something wrong. Some of what passes for good marriages in the church are simply men who have wives who have committed to making it all about the man's needs and desires. That is not every man's reality.

Our message may need adjustment. God's desire is for us to experience the reality of his Son. Grace comes to us through Jesus; God entering our world and our story. He grieves for the man with a difficult marriage just as he celebrates for the man who experiences intimacy. Teach about men's roles; teach about their responsibilities; teach about biblical manhood. But don't tie it to some expectation of performance or results. That is not the light yoke promised by the One who saved us.

Worth Another Look, Vol. 1

I tend to be skeptical of most marriage books. You can probably safely add to that books on parenting as well. Rather than leading the reader to evaluate what is broken with the self in order to enable a releasing of burdens on one's spouse, instead much of what is written is guised manipulation. Not getting what you want? Is your spouse not meeting your needs? Follow these simple steps to make your partner happy and they will, in return, give you what you want.

In reality, how long will that advice last? Probably until you consistently do not get the response you desire. Make no mistake, since we all tend to fall into focusing on ourselves that will happen probably sooner than later.

While I am a skeptic of the marriage book genre, out of interest in the subject I still have a number of these books in my reading queue. It is within the last one I read and put on the bookshelf that I found this nugget. In the midst of discussing 1 Peter 3:7,

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

the author espoused the view that if a husband's prayers were not being answered, then it was likely because he was not loving his wife properly. Just to say this another way, the man who was interpreting this passage was saying that consequence for a husband not loving his wife in the proper way was that God would stop answering that man's prayers.

That assessment strikes me as driven by performance. Rightness before God being determined in this interpretation by the husband's works. Beyond that, it implies God can be manipulated - by doing the right things you can get God to answer prayer. The grace and mercy of God seem to be absent until the man gets his act together.

Yet, grace is not earned or deserved, meriting another look at what my be implied by the hindrance of prayers. It is interesting that the author focused on a hindrance in the answer to the prayer rather than the delivery. Maybe Peter is reminding husbands that if they are not considerate, if they do not respect their spouses relative weakness, then that is going to lead to a house filled with strife. Strife that will be the direct result of the man's actions. It is hard to pray during relational conflict. Anger can harden our hearts, hence the warning not to sin in it. So instead of the two being one, each feels isolated and alone, and quite probably isolated from God as well.

That may be the hindrance to prayer that Peter is envisioning. Strife creating chaos and lack of desire to seek out and connect with God. Or maybe if we are inclined to turn our face to God, it is with the intent of manipulation ("God please change my wife!") instead of repentance and gratitude.

The hindrance being in our desire to offer the prayer rather than in God's ability to answer it.

Foot Loose

I have to come clean, my wife and daughter have sucked me into another season of Dancing with the Stars. It is only my second season, but I was adamant at the beginning that I did not need another TV show to watch. My daughter loves the dancing and Bruno's emphatic evaluations, so I find myself drawn in, sharing in her joy.

As I watch, along with millions of others, my wonderings turn to why this show about ballroom dancing is so immensely popular. Along that line, why is ballroom dancing rising in popularity? And I watch and I wonder.

Then this week a possibility occurred to me. It's men and women.

More specifically, it is men being encouraged to be the man and women encouraged to be the women and the beauty that results when those roles are embraced.

In a culture that had encouraged men to check their 'man card' at the door and be more passive and docile, less forceful and more Easter bunny, happy to play video games and have their moms make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (with crusts cut off) - within the context of this kind of culture we are drawn into this world of dance where the man must exude strength. Strength both physical and in leadership.

The man guides the dance, leading the steps and guiding the frames of both partners. He must maintain a firm grasp on his woman. He must lift and support and swing and twirl the woman as they, as one form, a single unit, navigate the expanse of the dance floor.

Yet, it is not a partnership where the man is holding the woman down. His strength has the purpose of showing off the woman. Giving her the platform for her beauty and grace to shine through. In the good dance couples, the man draws our attention to the woman; she is his treasure to be showcased.

In this dance of equals, the woman allows herself to be led. Knowing that in the hands of a capable man, her beauty will be allowed to shine forth. She must trust his grasp, firm enough so she won't fall, yet not so much that it inhibits her movement. Her movement prove her trust in the strength of her man.

In all the dance, the man holds the woman's best interest first and foremost, not because he is the partner that does not matter, but because that is what he was designed for - what his role is. For the woman, she places her complete trust in the man, now because she is the partner of lesser worth, but knowing that is what will allow her to flourish and be showcased.

The dance is beautiful when both partners embrace their roles and don't resent or fight against their part. This is our ideal of what a relationship looks like. What our souls are restless for, but which is so hard to obtain in our cultural system. So we tune in to get a glimpse on the dance floor of what could be in our own lives.

In With the New

There is another apt episode of Seinfeld that comes to mind. Jerry is dating a woman who encourages him to express his emotions, particularly his anger. This is particularly tricky since Jerry is an 'even steven', never too far up, never too far down - usually just right in the middle. So, Jerry gets angry at his girlfriend's pestering. "That felt good" he said, and then the flow of emotions started.

He told Elaine that he loved her. Told George he was a good friend. Cried during a TV show while asking "what is this salty discharge coming out of my eyes?" Jerry went over the top with this new found skill. With the same girlfriend that wanted him to express himself, he started getting angry about every little thing. Ironically, she got tired of his constant expression of emotion and left Jerry.

He just didn't know what to do with his anger.

That's the challenge for the recovering passive guy. Well, at least this recovering passive guy. I've been told that I shouldn't dismiss my anger. That I need to feel it, process it, and then move on from it. My first reaction is that I don't want to be a husband that leads by intimidation or threat. I don't want to be a wife beater. In response (after the laughter), I was told that there is a long way from me even carrying my anger too far to being an abusive spouse. Not likely to happen.

Expressing my anger is a tough new challenge. Being angry upsets people. Being angry is confrontational. Being angry will require taking your mask off and letting people see the real you. But, no one ever got hurt being upset and I'm all about living mask-free, so I now allow myself to express my anger. But it is awkward.

My wife doesn't know what to do. She's been dealing with a people pleaser for 15 years and now she has to deal with someone with an opinion, who is not going to be pushed aside and dismissed. Someone who is now putting on the mantle of leadership and not just striving for the absence of conflict. It is a tough adjustment for her as well as me. One that is often hard for me to keep in mind - she has a new reality.

My trouble at this moment is that I don't know what to do with my anger. While I am experiencing it I don't know how to put it aside in order to sort through the conflict in a constructive way. It is hard for me to, in the midst of my anger, to confront the emotions that my wife is dealing with. This is my latest test on the strength journey. Can I put her needs above my own in the moment.

This is like having driving an automatic for your whole life, then having to learn to drive a stick. Changing gears. It's a better way to drive, better performance, better mileage, but it is tough to learn to change the gears at appropriate times (much less stop at a red light facing uphill!). I'll learn and I'll be NASCAR good at it, but for the moment it is very awkward and difficult.

A Bad Metaphor

My birthday is tomorrow. I can honestly say that in my life there is nothing material that I want. Oh, I could give you a list of some books and I always enjoy a new shirt, but there is really nothing that I'm sitting around pining for. On a car ride this weekend (we do a lot of driving) I was joking with my wife about birthday gifts and told her that I measure how much I mean to people by what they get me as a gift. The comment was totally a joke - I think I heard it on a TV show or something, but it has struck me how relevant that comment was to be for me.

It wasn't until I got to the end of Blue Like Jazz that I pieced it all together. As donald miller is wrapping up his book, he describes how he came to the realization that his thinking on love was all wrong. When he was confronted with the metaphorical language our culture uses for love and relationships it becomes clear that, to us, they are a commodity, a product of our consumer society.

We invest in relationships.

We value people.

We build relational equity.

People can be morally bankrupt.

We make deposits in relational accounts.

My spouse is priceless (or a treasure).

You may describe someone as worthless.

Relationship have become economic. As such, we judge them by the payoff they we get from them. In this model, I'll choose to give or withhold my love based on what I'm getting out of the relationship. Think about it, if time is money - and that is part of the belief system that we have - then time I spend with someone has an economic implication. So, I will be inclined to spend time with or build into people who will produce for me, who will give me a return on my investment.

Conversely, I will withhold myself in relationship in which I'm not getting a good return. Those that are not meeting MY needs. Those that are not meeting my expectations or helping me climb the ladder of success. So withholding become a form of communication. "You don't measure up." "Give me what I want and I'll give back." "You're not worth it."

Those may or may not be the intentional messages, but I'm pretty certain that those would be the perceptions of the other, the person who is not experiencing a scarcity of attention or affection in the relationship. Looking back, I was very good at this. Pride, remember? Relationships had a definite purpose to validate me or meet a need. That's why there are people pleasers - it's not about the other, it's about self.

There were lots of relationships that I manipulated like a stock broker. Buying and selling depending upon what I was getting. Especially with my wife. Being a man with passive tendencies, I would withdraw from contact. Withhold expressions of love (unless they were physical), mope around, invest my time elsewhere where I would feel worth.

While it didn't cure me totally, my Miracle showed me the error of my unforgiveness and pride. My wife (and others) were not at my disposal or intended for my validation. But something that underlies all this, all this withholding, is a realization that our love, affection, and friendship has influence. Our love for people has the power to make or break them.

We've all heard the expression that behind every good man is a good woman. Well, duh. It is easier to succeed when you have someone cheering you on and respecting you. When you don't have to expend so much emotional energy proving yourself. Similarly, behind every good woman, I'd expect there to be a man who cherishes, encourages and loves his woman. For the same reasons. It's so much easier for a flower to bloom in fertile soil.

I want there to be fertile soil for my relationship to bloom in (Btw, are gardening metaphors better for relationships that economic ones? I'll have to think that through, but this is a blog and we'll go with it.). Since I'm the man, the God appointed leader, the change agent, it is up to me to do til the ground. Strategies abound. There are a million books on relationships that have good strategies. But they will only truly be effective when your motivation is right. When you drop the economic model of investing to get something.

Instead, serve. Give yourself as a gift. Expect nothing in return. Put your needs on hold. Do it for love. How can I claim to love God when I treat my brothers and sisters as commodities. Let God fill your account so it can be emptied for others. If you get something in return, even better, but that is not the motivation. That's been the fruit of my Miracle and coming up against the Wall of my pride. Realizing that I shouldn't be trying for an economic style return in my relationship, but creating a new metaphor.

Who's the Boss?

It has taken a long time to learn, but I have been the king of the 'non-anxious response'. Said another way, I had come to lead my marriage (and participate in other close relationships) out of my fears and anxieties. Fear of rejection, fear of not being loved, and fear of not living up to other's expectations (disappointing others) were the things I was trying to avoid. So, it turns out, I wasn't so much leading as I was placating my own fears.

Much like my dad, I've always tended toward passivity and people pleasing. Ways to relieve my pain and avoid my fears. If I didn't open up, rejection would be less painful. If I did things to make people happy, I wouldn't have to face disappointment. While I was plenty guilty of this in all areas, I am mainly going to focus on my marital system.

Here's the problem: when your highest goal is to keep the peace, you transfer the power in the relationship. When having your own expectations met determines your happiness, the other person is in control. And that, very subtly, is what happened in my marriage. This did not happen by any nefarious plan by my wife, it is simply the equilibrium we achieved to minimize our pain.

Yet, my role is leader. God gifted me and designed me to be a leader. So, it is oh so ironic that in my immediate family I allowed my anxious response take me out of the leadership position. Just like Adam. You know that story, don't you?

Past results have been that, if I'm not leading my marriage, I am then trying to get something out of it. Placing expectations on my wife for my happiness. Rather than a ministry, marriage was about performing to get the reward. That is the definition of being undifferentiated in a relationship, if you've never heard the counseling term for it.

My wife was the boss by default. Just like Eve. Both of them facing the serpent while the men are abandoning their responsibility. My greatest failure in all of this has been that, while I was so focused on my own needs and anxieties, I didn't notice the struggle that my wife was having. The walls of protection that she was erecting. Actually, not noticing is too strong - I certainly did notice them because they caused my wife not to be able to respond to me emotionally, physically or spiritually as my wife. By the time I was emotionally empty enough to suggest getting some outside help, she was emotionally empty enough not to want to pitch in the effort. Further frustration cause by pandering to my fears.

A husband is supposed to provide the security for his wife to open up and be herself. I was so focused on the lack of respect that I was due that I was shutting her down. An exhausting cycle because my response, was to try harder and harder to have the marriage everyone would expect.

In my defense, with the example passed to my by my father, I did not have the tools to do this. My root sin of pride made it very hard to invite people into this. Frustration with God caused me to shut Him out. A bad experience quenched any trust that I did have or might have developed. And no one seemed to notice or care about what they were seeing in me. That is not a statement to try to absolve myself of responsibility, just an observation of the relational system I'd constructed.

So, harder and harder I tried, like a hamster in a wheel. My every misguided effort only served to solidify the status quo. My wife felt more hurt, alone, misunderstood and built more walls of insulation. I felt more lonely, unlovable and disrespected. Legitimate needs and desires that I wanted fulfilled in illegitimate ways. Like the hamster, my tank was empty and I was still nowhere.

Never make a decision alone when you are emotionally exhausted and spiritually empty. For me, when I was at this place, I dropped the pretensions and was emotionally honest. Unfortunately, out of this desperation, rather than pursuing godliness, I took refuge in worldliness. Bad choice.

Here's the thing, that's where we got when power was transferred in my relationship. Like Esau giving up the birthright for some stew, I gave up power to avoid my fears. The process of change requires that I take back leadership. Tough considering the 'comfort' of our known roles. Journeying toward strength means facing my fears and considering my wife's needs alongside my own. Tough because it means denying my legitimate needs and desires for a time to allow my wife the safety and room to heal. It means stepping into my God given and God designed role.

Like walking barefoot your entire life and then being given shoes, it feels awkward but hopefully both my wife and I will adjust to the comfort and protection of the new footwear. It means me having the strength to lead, and her having the strength to let me.

Walking with Brokenness

As I was sorting through my funk a couple weeks ago, one of the questions that I kept focusing on was "is it fair, or even possible, to pursue the calling that I believe God has on my life while my wife deals with her brokenness - and I deal with mine for that matter?" Questions like that one make the destination so much further away and unachievable. Like trying to navigate a boat in a dense fog. Which way do you go? There is light out there, but it is so hard to see.

With that rolling around in my head, the funk go more and more.

Then, during some time with God, this thought flashed through my head...where was Peter's wife?

When you read the accounts of Jesus healing Peter's mother-in-law, Peter's wife is not mentioned at all. Does that seem curious to anyone else? There is no description of her worry for her mother's fever, no asking Jesus to heal her, no expression of thankfulness after the healing, and even more - mother-in-law began to wait on Jesus - again no mention of Peter's wife in all this.

Of course, there is probably some great reason for this, but maybe there is some back story here that we don't know or expect because we sometimes take the skin and humanity off of our Bible characters. Maybe Peter's wife resented Jesus. After all Peter just up and left his job one day to follow Jesus around the countryside. I'm sure food still needed to be put on the table and there were the proverbial bills to pay. Maybe she resented Peter for following Jesus. Now more household responsibility fell on her and she just couldn't take being around when the two of them came over. But, it really seems to me a stretch to think she would not be home with a sick mom laying in the house. Or maybe she didn't believe. Peter was being gullible. Other 'messiahs' had come and gone and left nothing but trouble. Maybe this miracle was for her so she'd believe that Jesus was different.

I wonder (of course assuming any of this has root in truth) how Peter would handle this situation. Was he frustrated with his wife's lack of faith? Did he feel torn? Was he tempted to not follow? Can you imagine the tragedy that would be, not living out his calling from Christ? Yet, history tells us that Peter's wife went to Rome to die with him. Apparently, Peter's obedience in responding to Christ's call got her to follow as well.

When confronted with such a situation, wouldn't it be easier to try to wiggle out like Adam - "Hey God, everything here was cool until you sent the woman to get us into the pile of trouble." Peter, or anyone else struggling with marriage difficulties, could cite a similar statement to justify disobedience.

Truth is, my wife and I are both broken followers of Christ. Aren't we all? Somehow, at times, I get it into my head that she needs to achieve a certain measure of wholeness before it will be possible to pursue my call. Sometimes I wonder if God didn't make a mistake, and ask is it even fair of me to follow Jesus around the countryside at all. For her, doesn't that just make overcoming brokenness that much harder?

But God keeps beckoning. I have to follow his call, it's who I am. The truth is that brokenness is not the problem. Not mine. Not my wife's. God knew before calling us and continues to expect that we are broken. It's part of the deal with being a human living in a fallen world. Being wounded is not the concern, God can and will use that. But are we actively living the the power of Christ to make steps toward overcoming the brokenness. That is trust and faithfulness. He'll control the outcome, we control our next step.

Carbon Copy

I've never viewed myself as similar to my dad. He hates his job, but chooses to be there. Doesn't resolve relationship issues and internalized his hurt, anger, stress, etc. He seems to like going to the doctor. He's Mediterranean; I'm Caribbean. Wine for him; I'd rather have a beer.

But the more I learn, the more similarities I unearth. Both our tendencies are to retreat emotionally. We've both ceded control of similar household responsibilities to our wives. Neither of us knows his father.

I'm trying to reorient that last one. As I've mentioned earlier, I think much of my marriage dysfunction stems from my relationship with my dad. What is utterly amazing to me is how I have (unconsciously? subconsciously? comfortable?) replicated the same family system he has had.

My sister was a quadriplegic. She had a diving accident at age 14. Before that she had a rare blood disorder. Lots and lots of hospital time. Surgeries. Attention. She was the impetus for our move to Florida from Massachusetts. Her illnesses, through no fault of hers, defined our family. Because of her great need, my mom became her advocate and caregiver. In fact, they became inseparable. We used to joke about it. They were over bonded. My sister became my mom's world (maybe there's a hint in there regarding the source of my focus on performance. Need for attention, anyone?)

Whether he chose it because he felt it was his role or because he felt shut out of the family, my dad threw himself into work. In fact, work has defined him. That's why retirement has been such a tough decision for him (although it seems to me like a no-brainer). What else has he known since 14?

Anyway, that is my family of origin system. And it is the one I created. My wife and I have one daughter. She's a miracle. Five years worth of trying, disappointment, and being told it was impossible. (Don't ever let someone tell you the fun is in the trying. It's not.)

So my wife has defined herself through motherhood. That's her primary relationship. Whether I chose this because of passion or because I felt shut out (or maybe a little of both), I threw myself into my ministry. It's how I defined myself and my relationship with God. It was my first lover.

Now don't those pictures look similar. Frighteningly so. Like if our lives were printed on transparencies (remember those?) and placed over each other, they would be an almost perfect match. And I don't want it to carry on to my daughter's marriage. The cycle is going to stop with me. And one of the roots is my relationship with dad.

I need to give my wife the picture of manhood and strength. Loosening the bond with my mom that formed in the vacuum and strengthen the one with my dad. Then my wife will have the room (if she chooses) to be feminine. The role of woman that God intended. To be my wife first. To achieve balance in our marriage and unburden herself from some of the things she's felt the need to take on.

Sounds so simple to change a family system. Change one part and the entire thing changes. I'm guessing it will get very hard. There is already push back. It's uncomfortable to leave what you've know (even if it is unhealthy) and let a new normal be defined. Hopefully, when the dust settles, my daughter will get the picture of a marriage that honors God and is structured in the way He intended. One that builds up both spouses. One in which each other's needs are important and being met. One in which love is natural.

With the freedom and security that come along with health and appropriate roles. Lessons she's be able to carry on to her own relationship. Not only her relationship with her husband, but also the implications it will have on her relationship with Christ and her understanding the imagery of the marriage between Christ and His church.

The Shield

Have you ever heard anyone say that the safest place to be is in the center of God's will? As if life were a giant category 5 hurricane, and if you can just manage to stay in the eye your life will be calm with pleasant weather. That's a dumb saying. Unless you mean eternally, like you'll end up in His presence in heaven, and you are referring to the safety and security you have in that promise. But that is not what the implication usually is. It is a fool hardy belief that nothing bad can or should happen to you if you are where God wants you.

But then there is Peter. Following Jesus. Satan wanted to sift him like wheat. And God consented! Does not sound very safe to me.

Some may say that in his denial Peter stepped out of God's will. Maybe. But couldn't it also be true that is exactly where God wanted him? It is certainly possible that dealing with the aftermath of that decision is where God needed Peter. As Peter ran out of the courtyard, left the warmth of the fire, think of the things he was forced to confront in his isolation. Arrogance, pride, self-reliance - sounds like Peter has some root sin issues to confront.

Would Peter have been the man who was to lead the church, handling the keys of the kingdom, without this incident? My guess is no, or else why did God allow it?

Thing is, Jesus knew beforehand what was going to happen. He told Peter about it. Told Peter to watch and pray. Described the scene to Peter before the day arrived. What Jesus did not do was shield Peter from it. Whether your theology is God caused this event or that Peter chose this event, Jesus knew and He allowed Peter to experience the full consequences of his root sin. It was the only way, apparently, to break him.

I have the opposite tendency in my relationships. Quite often I will shield people from the consequences of their sinning against me. Won't own up to my hurt. Will 'forgive' before there is resolution or an apology has even been offered. I take on blame that is not my due. Even now, well advanced in my journey toward strength, I still make this my comfort zone. Particularly with my wife.

There is such a tension in this. My job is to build her up. Letting her experience the consequences feels like tearing down. (Maybe the question to ask is - what are healthy, differentiated consequences? Good question.) But shielding her from being upset, allowing her to not share in the hurt of experience relational consequences - is that building her up or keeping her from experiencing what God needs her to in order for Him to change her? How will she overcome her anxiety reducing strategies if there is no anxiety?

Christ could have intervened and protected Peter from the pain of his denial. Rather than building up, that would have been puffing up. Something fake. Looks good on the outside, but is empty on the inside. Where would Peter have ended up then? Puffed up things pop.

What happened to Peter was not done vindictively or out of spite. It was not an effort to manipulate. Rather, Christ differentiated himself so Peter would feel the natural consequences of his sin against Jesus. It was for his good.

I need to be strong and let God do the same in my marriage. I am to love and protect my wife, but that doesn't mean that I am to be her shield. Her shield, according to Ephesians, is to be her faith, that God may be trying to refine by fire.

This is maybe the hardest step I have had to take yet in my journey. Not even sure I know in what direction to take the step. But I am choosing to trust God and I love her enough to do it.

Just like Jesus.

Spiritual Retreat, Day 1

The university that I work at had the foresight to plan my summer break for the time my wife and daughter went back to school. Since I am alone for the week, before I tackled the weeds in my yard, I planned a personal two day retreat. There are several retreat centers nearby, so I picked one and headed out with a change of underwear, my Bible and a notebook. (Probably, that is an accurate ordering for the level of importance, too.)

Two things have become apparent to me:

First, I am addicted to media. There are no TV's here (which is why I picked a retreat center over a resort), no computer, no books, no wii, just a lake and this desk I'm sitting at. During the day, this was no problem. Hiking and kayaking are fun and conducive to prayer and meditation. but when evening came, I kept looking for a remote control. I JUST NEED ONE SEINFELD CLIP TO GET THROUGH! None could be found, and that is a good thing. But I was distressed at the media DDT's that I experienced in my room.

Second thing I realized is that I'm trying to be the Holy Spirit. Pretty sure this is not a new realization, but it was one that really 'sunk in' as I was reading this passage in one of the two Bibles I brought (yes, I'm super duper spiritual and brought 2 Bibles):

But the house of Israel is not willing to listen to you because they are not willing to listen to me. Ezekiel 3:7a

Basically God is saying "Don't take it personally, I'm the one that matters and they won't listen to me either." Ezekiel's responsibility was not to make them obey, he just had to deliver the message.

It is the same for me in my marriage. Things are different and I want the system to change. It really needs to change, but I am not responsible for my wife respecting me, following me or even knowing who I am. My responsibility is to pursue God. Allow him to work in me and be obedient to my calling. I cannot attempt to play the part of the Holy Spirit too.

My wife struggles. Because of her family of origin issues, she has an inherent though time trusting, submitting, or respecting me as her husband. It often feels like she doesn't want to be married, although in my mind I know that is not the truth. Yet for her, the issue is bigger than marriage. She struggles in these same areas with God.

* Disclaimer - Often I mention other people I have relationships with in this blog. In no way is this to appear as a judgment against them. God knows that AS A PASTOR, I've had a tough enough time sorting out my own spiritual life and issues. This blog is about me and my journey and any mention of wife, mom, dad, friends, or anyone else is strictly for purposes of defining my journey for you, the reader.

My wife's journey is her own. While our marriage does cause our voyages to intersect significantly, I am not responsible for her response to God. My wheels could spin 1,000,000 rpm but I could still not do the work of the Holy Spirit. God takes responsibility for His own work.

This internalization is a relief. It focuses my efforts on being the best disciple and husband I can be. It doesn't take away the loneliness or the hurt I feel at times or the desire for her to meet me where I am, but it is freeing not to strive; to shoulder a responsibility that is not mine.

My hope is that this internalization from retreat day one will translate in a visible way. I've been struggling mightily with my non-anxious responses. Particularly a couple days ago when my attempt to set an emotional boundary slipped away like a greased pig.

A friend of mine told me that his wife has recently noted how his responses to stresses have changed. It gives her comfort and security to see him respond in a non-anxious way to his work related stresses. I can't wait for the day when my wife will note the same thing about me. As I stop trying to be the Holy Spirit and instead focus on following Christ in all situations, acting on my anger in healthy ways.

Thank you God for day one of this retreat. I'm still not looking forward to the weeds.

Generation to Generation

Here is a fact for you. I really don't know my dad. We see each other regularly and we chat. We go out to dinner and he'll even take me golfing anytime that I want. Both of us, I think, genuinely desire to spend time with each other, but once we are together we don't really know what to do. Sports talk will only last so long and then I have the same list of questions that I'll ask him every time. Our relationship has never developed closeness. My dad is not someone who I would seek advice from or share the intimate details with.

In fact, I realized recently that my dad and I frequently don't talk TO each other. We use my mom as a conduit of communication. I'll get a call from mom, "Your father wants to know if you can go golfing next weekend." Just as guilty am I ask I'll ask mom "Has dad decided if he's going to retire next year?" Both of us have cell phones and email, yet we rarely use them to communicate with each other.

I'm being a little misleading when I say I just realized this. The blockage in my relationship with my dad has always been something that I've noticed. It's just that it has always been this way. There's balance. Why rock the boat? And sometimes the thought of addressing him on a deeper level has created almost a feeling of fear in me. It's almost like handling a log that is on fire - you can't wait to put it down.

I'll never forget the time I broached a conversation with him about his relationship with Jesus. It's not that I'm ashamed to talk about Jesus. Quite the opposite. Yet, it took such a force of will to begin the conversation, that when he affirmed my couple of weak questions, I very gratefully let the conversation turn to what he shot at golf last week.

As I dig deeper into myself and my marriage, the thing that I have come to realize that this issue is not unrelated to how I behave as a husband, father, friend, and pastor. In fact, the relational patterns that my family of origin has are directly related to the one that I have inadvertently created in my own home. It's a generational pattern. Patterns that are part of the family history reaching back many generations. A way of behavior and of relating to others that most are not even consciously aware of. My eyes are just now becoming open to the affect generational patterns have on all of our relationships.

In what appears on the surface to be a very counterproductive and unrelated move, I realized that improving my marriage (and future pastoral skills) requires that I untangle the mess that is my relationship with my dad (and my mom). Change in me is changing (or has the potential to change) others as well, without their even realizing it.

This knowledge has given me confidence. So, I initiated a conversation with my dad. Asked him to drive me to church. He didn't attend, but in the 20 minute ride (we'll start small) I just asked him about his dad. Were they close? Was he a good parent? What was his life like as he grew up?

Turns out my dad and his dad were not close at all. They rarely talked. He was always sick. My dad, being the oldest, started working at 14 to help support a large family. I got a story about the first family car that my dad fixed up (at 14! I was proud of myself today for installing a new oil cap, and I'm 38). Brothers chasing sisters around. Brothers getting the belt on their behind.

Guess I gained some perspective on why my dad and I are not close. It's what he knows. I understand why my dad put such a high value on providing for me over relating to me, it was how he was assigned value in his family. Clearly, my journey to strength requires that I balance my relationships with my parents and place more emphasis on developing one with my dad. Of course, it will affect my mom - but I'll be prepared. The reality is that changing that one relationship will change all the others I have. Hopefully for the better.

This first step was brief. But it was a start. I want to know my dad. It's a little late now, he's in bed. But tomorrow I'm going to call my dad.

Do Not Be Anxious About Anything

I want to lead my family through this season of reinvention. On the other side, I hope that ours is a family in which we can all flourish; pursuing God with an unashamed, reckless abandon while at the same time experiencing the love that we have for each other. My hope is that our family system will become a robust and fertile soil for all of us to grow in.

Quite some time ago, I identified that the change would have to start with me. Several reasons come to mind, not the least of which is that I am the man, the head of this family that God has entrusted to me. Although, probably even more important is that I am a willing pursuant of relational change.

My wife has accused me of enjoying counseling. That for me it assumes almost a recreational quality. I do admit that she is pretty much right. It's not enjoyment in a codependent way - like I couldn't function if I didn't have my weekly session - but in that I have felt a freedom in learning about myself and coming to understand who I really am. No mask, no pretending, it's just me. This journey I am on is an exhilarating adventure. Change in me cannot come fast enough.

To her credit, my wife has been honest to admit that she is a less willing participant. It is something that I try to understand - God has wired her differently and she also has more hidden and painful things to overcome. Yet, even if she were to be taken out of the equation, my marriage is different because I am different.

The change in me changes our system. Change in me will induce change in my wife (changing her is NOT to be my motivation, but the fruit of the change I am pursuing in myself - that is the problem most popular marriage books invert). Hopefully that change in her will be positive. The resulting healthy dynamic between us will, in turn, induce healthy change in our daughter as she develops.

It would be a wonderful thing if there was some direct, linear relationship among my change, change in my wife and improvement in our marriage. Yet, frustratingly, I find at times the opposite to be true. Change seems to have the effect of making things tougher.

Of late, some of my wife's compulsions (her way of ordering her world through her severe anxiety) have seemed to increase. (Here I do want to pause to say two quick things: 1. In no way am I intending this as a bash of my wife, just a description of our system and 2. My wife is changing, I am just pointing out that the process is different for her.) Some of this has created the feeling in me that things are slowly returning to where they were before - a situation that neither of us found satisfactory. All that to say: I am at times drawn to relational anxiety. Especially when things feel all too familiar.

Yet the most effective way for the change in me to have influence is for me to be a non-anxious responder. I cannot allow my anxiety to lead to an emotional response or cause me to retreat to a more undifferentiated state. Yet, differentiate does not mean withdraw, which I tend to struggle with anyway. So as I respond to my wife's anxiety, as she spirals downward, my goal is to attempt to be non-anxious and present. A task that is tough for me.

But, that is another component of my journey toward strength.

Being non-anxious and present will naturally communicate my true desires - that I want our marriage to work. Nay, not just work, but to thrive. Filled with joy, love, passion, affection, intimacy and acceptance. It will communicate that, no matter how slow the change or how she struggles to overcome, I am not going anywhere. Hopefully though my acceptance and love, she'll be led to understand Christ's love for her better.

That is the picture of strength I want her most to see.

Mama Mia

Recently I had cause to spend a significant amount of time with my mom. It was time well spent; I love my mom and haven't always taken the time to connect with her that I should have. Yet, some of the time was really rough because I am looking at our relationship through a lens that is coming more and more into focus. From being with her, I have developed a better understanding of who I am.

Now, I will preface the rest of this blog with the admission that I know that my mom did the best that she absolutely could in raising me. Really I have little to complain about. I was loved and provided for very well, but the reality is that who we are as people influences our parenting behaviors and hence affects our children. For better and for worse. It's happening in my household. Despite my best efforts, I am going to pass on some sort of damage to my daughter, who will thus have to allow Christ to walk with her and sort things out. Hopefully she'll tackle this a lot sooner than I have.

Which takes me to my mom. Not sure what it is about that generation, or at least those of that generation that I have come in contact with. They don't talk about their issues, you smooth over them or ignore them. I'm not exactly sure if it is because you are putting on your best face for all to see, or if it is from an attitude of you don't complain, just make the best of what you have. Either way, neither of my parents tend to talk about their crap. No counselor. No priest. No one. Mom may talk to relatives, but it is usually about what is wrong with others. Not a lot of self examination going on.

Case in point from our time together: mom was not included in a family photo opportunity on another trip and she felt slighted. When I asked if she had mentioned that she wanted to be in the photo her response was a stout "They should have known enough to ask." Yet, when planning a trip for later this year with some cousins and was subsequently confronted about not asking some others, her response was "I didn't leave you out, all you had to do was ask to join us."

And that is the way things roll. There is a constant need for my mother to be right, to sit on top. In almost any situation. To the point that she'll make up things that "they said" or that "she read", and she'll state things with such authority that it is possible she really believes it is true. If you confront her on the mistake, rarely will she just admit "oh, I didn't know that", she'll argue until the ship sinks.

Yet, what I've noticed in the life of my mother is that the ship sinking rarely happens. The people around her try hard not to upset her. At least that is true of me and my dad.

So the normal for the relationship has become to figure out how not to disturb the equilibrium - how to make sure she does not get upset. This is made all the more difficult because she will not tell you what she wants, you have to guess. A simple for instance, unloading the car I offered to take one of the bags mom was carrying. She replied "no, I'm fine". But in walking to the elevator, it was clear she was not fine. Problem was, I asked if she wanted help rather than just knowing. Her huffs and puffs made it clear I had done the wrong thing.

Now, if I wanted to tear my mom down, I could go on and on. Hurt is not my intent. Mom has just never confronted her pride. She's a middle child striving to be noticed. There is baggage that she carries that I do need to understand. My reasoning for telling you what I did is so you can see what I've learned about myself.

I am susceptible to feminine manipulation. Not so much from crowd-level relationships, but as relationships get closer it becomes more noticeable. I don't want to upset my mom. So, I guess it is 'normal' that this ingrained behavior became a long-standing element of my marriage as well. I've not wanted to upset my wife.

So my inclination is to respond to her distance by trying to pursue and make her happy. Then I respond to my wife's verbal barrages by doing what I can to placate her. Either way I feel invisible and unheard. Like a schoolboy being dismissed from the Principal's office. I became timid about the things I wanted to do. I've given up sports, regular nights out with the guys, and being out of the house too much. My efforts to shield my wife from being upset have led to an unhealthy arrangement where we are both always going in the same direction. My passivity has had the unintended impact of her becoming accustomed relief from emotional discomfort through my actions.

Even in the times where I have attempted to do my own thing and differentiate between us (pursuing vocational ministry for one), it has fallen flat and failed because of my passivity. I'd only go so for before her being upset was too much.

I'm reading the book Generation to Generation about family and church leadership systems, and I came across this sentence that has spoken to me in a rather profound way:

"Few of us are irreparably hurt by upset."

I have been coming to that realization slowly but surely before reading that line, but there is was in black and white. Who knew? I don't think I did. While I'm not trying to find ways to upset anyone (that would actually be funny in a Monty Python sort of way), that one sentence is reshaping my interactions with my wife and mother.

If only it were that easy to change a family system. Seems it is just a touch more complicated than that. My slow improvement as I journey toward strength does not necessarily lead my wife to immediate slow improvement of her own. In fact, it seems to be quite the opposite. As I gradually am able to stop being a shield for her, she has developed strategies to cope with her upsettedness. For our marriage, the immediate impact has been a perspective that things are getting worse, not better.

While I've been very conscious of my need to pursue strength for the sake of my marriage, I did not really have any idea that my interactions with my mom (and dad, but this blog is Mama Mia) would still be putting a stress on my marriage relationship. We don't live with my family after all!

Yet, Family relationships are a 'closed' system, meaning stress in one part of the system will affect the other parts as well. Not only does my mother-son relationship influence the foundations of my behavior, it affects my wife's perceptions of me as a man as well as places stress on her as she become exposed to my mother's manipulation.

Without God, this journey would not be possible. I'd be overwhelmed with the amount of change that needed to take place in seemingly unrelated relationships. Right now, though, I feel very certain that I'm on the right path. Trusting God with the outcomes as I finally allow myself to be shaped into the man He intended all along. I can only guess where all of this is going to lead, but I am more and more thankful for the journey and for God's grace in the second chance.

Walls, Landmines, and Balance

I am a pretty linear guy. Maybe it is the math background, proving something by letting one piece of information lead to the next. Or maybe my nature is why math was appealing to me in the first place. You can hear it when I speak, whether in a class or in church. This linear quality also appears in that I like to finish one task before starting another. Not that I can't have many things going simultaneously, but I like things linear. Crossing things off lists. Making a beeline for the destination. When I drive, I don't like to stop except for gas, so do all your business when the tank is empty.

[Semi-amusing recollection - just before my wife and I married, I had accepted a job out of state. So my future mother-in-law came with us as we were doing a housing search. Six hours in the car and this woman wanted to hit every yard sale and rest area that we passed. That's just wrong on a long trip - you need to make progress.]

Anyway, I bring this up because the journey that I am taking toward strength is anything but linear. It's like being able to see where you want to go, there is even a straight path possible, but the path is replete with landmines to navigate and walls that can pop-up out of the ground unexpectedly. Like an episode of Wipeout.

Ever see that show? People spend a lot of time jumping from platform to platform to avoid rotating obstacles, streams of water, and falling into a pool of cold water. When they first see a obstacle they are so focused on their feet and maintaining their balance that they often miss whatever is being swung at them. Balance is the key. Watching where you step.

This is my present struggle on the journey to strength because of course the journey is more complicated than just overcoming my learned passivity. My wife has some crud that she is dealing with. We have improper roles and behaviors that we've learned and taken on. She also struggles with her reaction to male strength after growing up with an abusive father.

Abuse is strength used to demean and take advantage; it is unhealthy and not a true picture of what godly strength looks like. But it is hard for her right now to tell the difference. It all feels the same - which I am sure is why my being passive was the path of least resistance in our relationship. The awful consequence of which is that we both took on roles in our relationship that were opposite our design. I could lead and be respected everywhere but the place it mattered most. Frustration and emasculation for me. She feels like she can not relinquish control out of her fear of trusting her security to someone else. My wife is not able to enjoy the fruits of being a woman in a loving, godly relationship.

So as I try to walk to the goal of being strong in my marriage I have to watch my step and maintain my balance. Not so much worrying about how I might swing the pendulum the other direction and wear stained wife beater t-shirts around the house, slick my hair back, and demand dinner on the table WHEN I ARRIVE HOME! My path butts up against the walls she has built. Occasionally I step on a landmine that I didn't know was there and she struggles to communicate to me.

Recently I stepped on one of these landmines (as I am sure I do often, but we were able to identify this one). Sometimes I tend to be evasive in my answers. My main reason for doing this with my wife is usually about my fear of being inadequate. Several weeks ago I was evasive about why I had not yet fixed the sprinkler system. I felt more than a little stupid because I did not know the problem. Rather than face my fear and tell her I feel like less than a macho man, I told her that it would get done. She perceived this as I was letting things slide and didn't care that something was broken. For me it was fear. For her it was a broken promise and loss of trust.

I've got to balance facing my own fears versus reacting out of hurt. I'm afraid of being a disappointment. I'm afraid of not being loved. I'm afraid that I'm inadequate. If I were to continue living in my fears then I'd always be a passive people-pleaser. That really sums up my journey. Not being bound by fear. Stepping forward. Giving others the opportunity to meet up with my fears and potentially hurt me. Especially my wife. My struggle here, and the balance I have a hard time maintaining is being reactive in my hurt. Either wanting to repay the hurt or run away from it. It is hard to maintain balance when you know something is going to hurt, especially when, because of her own stuff, I don't think my wife understands why I am in pain - my desire to be respected and admired by her.

I've got to balance giving her the space to process her emotional and spiritual scars and heal from them verses making her aware of my feelings and desires for our relationship. It is the balance of not backing off too much and not pressing too hard. This is a process. I don't want us to regress to a place that is more comfortable. The path of least resistance leads back to where we were. In our relationship, it is going to be painful to make improvement. Cleaning out a wound is messy. Resetting a broken bone is painful. But the result is worth it. It takes time and effort. This is where I come up against the walls. My struggle is that I get frustrated and have a tendency to create expectations. It is sometimes hard to see progress when you are in the middle of something, like noticing the growth in your child versus the growth change in a kid you see once a year.

I've got to balance communicating and guiding as a loving husband versus becoming a teacher/counselor or pushing her dad buttons. My wife is going to reject any leadership in which I act as her dad, checking up on her. Since I love to do it for others, I easily fall into the trap of counseling or teaching her. Not providing what she needs, just providing the answers. This too has been a struggle. I am the Hank Haney of relationships; I can diagnose and tell you how to improve yours and all the while miss out of practicing the techniques in my own relationship. My leadership has to be by example. Without expectations. Making my wife my primary ministry. Guiding her through the healing process by going first and talking about what God is doing. Remembering what God is doing and living out of the change.

Maintaining balance is tough. I fall often. But while it is not linear, I am making huge progress. Two steps forward and one step back means that you are a step ahead of where you were. My hope is that soon I will begin to be the man my wife will finally find the joy of being a woman around. Taking down her walls for me and giving her respect and admiration in return. That sounds worth the effort.

It Takes Love to Make Love

I was just out walking around the workplace which is fairly typical because I have a hard time sitting still. (During meetings I have to concentrate on not moving my knees or tapping my feet.) One of the secretaries is reading a very popular marriage book that started a conversation between us. In the world of marriage improvement books, there seems to be two broad categories of which this book fell into what I will cleverly call 'category 1' - books that recommend if you are having some marriage struggles, the best thing you can do is meet your spouses needs. Then they will feel loved and hence begin to meet your needs and you will feel loved. Problem solved and it's only page 4!

Well, yes and no. It is definitely not a bad thing to be aware of your spouse's needs. And there is some practical truth to the principle of if you treat others well, they will be more likely to treat you well. A key point that I think 'category 1' books miss is motive. Why are you trying to meet your spouse's needs? If you are meeting needs in order to get a desired response, that boils down to some glorified selfishness. Concern is not really for the spouse's needs nor for the health of the marriage, but only for how you feel.

Sadly 'category 1' marriage books seem to be most generally popular. One reason is probably because they are like a sitcom, and everything is wrapped up and well defined by the end of the book - solutions to your relationship problems in 150 pages or less. Another is desperation, trying anything that claims to work - making the pain go away, (but maybe God wants go to feel the pain). A third is this advice puts you in control of the situation - being your own god.

It is hard to follow the blueprint of these books for very long. Even harder is looking at someone you are counseling, who has been living in a love desert for years, and telling them that the solution is to potentially humiliate themselves for the benefit of someone else who in all truthfulness is probably acting very selfishly also. That is, it is hard if you do not address motive. 'Category 1' books put the cart before the horse.

We could summarize the issue with the following logic statement "If you want to feel loved in your marriage, then you must strive to meet your spouse's needs." But what foolishness. That presupposes that the highest calling in marriage is to have our needs met. And what happens when when your spouse doesn't turn it around? If your behavior is predicated upon getting an expected reaction, then what happens when you don't get what you want? More frustration, more anger and ultimately more distance.

I know because I fell into the trap. Ultimately, my goal was to change my spouse's behavior not to address what was going on in our marriage. Ironically, this is not what I counseled those who came into my office for advice. It is so funny how God is able to use someone as broken as me while I remained blind to what was going on. When someone would come in to talk about their marriage, there was really only one focus that was possible - what was their relationship with God like, because everything flows out of that. If their spouse was unable to love them, I would use that as a teaching point to remind them that we need to connect with God and let him love us.

I'm not sure why that advice was good for others, but not for me. Well, actually I am sure, I was in a weird catch 21, I knew God loved me if things were going well, so to connect with God I needed things to go well, and onward the spiral would go. One of the laughable things about my situation was how good at pastoral care I was. At my worst moment people would ask of me the simple question "What would you tell someone doing the exact same thing as you?" Good grief. Hard to get out of that one; that's another blog.

What is it that many of these popular marriage books miss? Motive. What is the motive of our lives. Is it to be happy (a la following expectations of Jesus rather than Jesus)? Or is it to be a faithful minister of reconciliation? I want the latter to be true of me in my relationship. My wife is not a means to an end. Nor is she a problem to be fixed. She is someone to be loved. An opportunity, given by God, to minister in the name of Jesus.

To do that well, my motive must be addressed. So, in order to reflect a biblical motivation, the previous conditional statement needs to be changed to "If you want to feel loved in your marriage, then you must let God love you." Security comes from experiencing the love of God. He does love us, and demonstrated that through Jesus, and He wants us to live in that knowledge everyday and through everything this world throws at us.

For me, this was the underlying problem. God's love wasn't a reality for me. I knew about it. I could explain it and help others understand it. But I wasn't experiencing it. This wasn't always my experience. But for a variety of reasons, during my season of duress I retreated to a place of comfort. Love as performance and affirmation. That too will be subject of another blog; that'll hopefully keep you coming back for more.

How do you let God love you? Great question, and I think the answer varies somewhat depending upon the individual. For me, it starts with connecting - praying, studying, reading. But not as items to be crossed off a list. Embracing who God made me, rather than who I think He expects me to be. Extending grace to myself when I 'fail' by not living up to my own expectations. Looking for things to be grateful for. Being very intentional about telling myself how I know I can trust God; not letting my trust be dictated by my circumstance (bad or good). Just continuing to tell my story to myself and others. All of these are components of embracing God's love for me.

Among the fruit of experiencing the love of God in my life is that my love for people has returned. I'm not so cynical or hardened. As I walk around campus, I am looking for ways to make a difference in student's and coworker's lives. Not so that I can receive, but so they can know God loves them.

Most importantly, this is changing my marriage. In my wife I see God's gift of ministry. My love for her is coming not from having m needs met through her (although I won't complain!) but from the limitless love that I am enjoying from my savior. Is this easy? No, no, no, and no. I still have moments, but I am more and more able to walk through those moments and process them healthily. I am better able to love my wife, not because of her behavior, but because I am feeling God's love for me. From that comfort and absence of fear, I am able to more selflessly love my wife.

This is the theme of most 'category 2' marriage books. Love for our spouses coming not from what they do for us, but from who we are in Christ. That is a difference I was able to share with the secretary earlier today. From there our conversation turned to how she can overcome her guilt at falling away and turn back to walking with Christ again. I guess there was a reason God gave me restless legs today.

The Moment

With one notable exception, I have maintained good boundaries with women. Going back to my time as a college math instructor before pastoring, I would never have a female student in my office with the door closed. If I was in a home as a hired tutor and the student was a girl, I would insist someone else be in the room with us. I didn't want anything left to chance.

As a pastor, I further developed these boundaries. If I had an off campus meeting with a leader that was a woman, there was always three of us. On one occasion, my women's ministry director happened to also work at the church and we were going to meet someone off campus for a lunch meeting. To her chagrin and befuddlement, I insisted that we drive separately. For another off campus meeting, the third person called while I was standing in the restaurant to say she couldn't attend. In that case, before I sat I called the husband of the other leader to make sure he knew where we were, what we were doing, and if that was OK. I wanted to avoid the appearance of evil.

Understandably, all it takes is one failing in this area for all trust to dissolve and perceptions to change.

The lady who cut my hair told me she was uncomfortable being around me. That was the new perception. Several months before that when she began trying to cross boundaries with me, I called her husband and told him he needed to talk with his wife. Turns out she was having multiple affairs. Their marriage was saved.

One of my key leaders of our recovery ministry told me she was uncomfortable talking to me anymore because she felt like she could be the next woman I went after. Before that this woman considered me her big brother.

Perceptions change. Yet, the truth of the matter was that I didn't let the former woman cross any boundaries with me and it never crossed my mind to 'go after' the latter. My mind was always prepared for someone to overtly approach me, either physically or with their conversation, and I had my way out planned.

While my boundaries were pretty good, everything was not perfect. I became pretty indiscriminant with my phone number. With both men and women. Rather than it being reserved for leaders and people my wife knew of, I wrote it down for lots of people in need. Facebook became a nightmare. Logging on would start and avalanche of people seeking teaching, pastoral care and counsel. I've been pretty upfront about my desire for approval and affirmation. If you've read other blogs, you know my pride.

I wanted to be the hero. To solve people's problems. Have them grateful.

While I was hoping for and was prepared for gratitude. What I was not prepared for was to actually become someone's hero. To be overtly respected and admired. To be sought out and listened to. To be affirmed and have someone pursue knowing me in return.

For many pastors, this would not have been a problem. They could have shaken this off like I did the woman who wanted to complain to me about her husband. But for me, these were the things missing in my own marriage. My God given desire was to receive this attention from my wife. I was experiencing an extended drought of respect and attention from my wife, and this substitute, while not the real thing, felt good. Without a proper relationship with God to provide balance, this was the foothold that I gave Satan in my life.

My pride told me "you can manage this, you can be married and have a close friendship with another woman, this actually helps you take the pressure off your wife". That's self-justification in action.

The truth of it is, the more I let myself receive this attention and the closer we got, the more I wanted of it. One boundary fell after another. Right or wrong, my perception was that I had no one else to talk to. I opened up to her. That was the moment for me that I knew things were not right. That was supposed to be the boundary you never cross. Phone calls, chats, visits just to hang out. The foothold was not physical, yet the emotional bond got stronger and stronger.

Eventually the grass seemed greener. Forget my wife. Forget building perseverance, leading to character, pointing to hope. How could God play this cruel joke on me and let me meet this person while married? As I have said before, I was drunk on my sin and I began making the decisions that drunk people make. That tatoo makes sense the night before when you are drunk.

It took God to sober me up. That was the miracle of a God who never left me, never condoned what I was doing, and waited patiently for me to recognize my folly and get my head out of the mud. I think my next blog will be on the miracle.

The pertinent question is: Why will this not happen again? What is different now? Good question.

The short answer is that I am not the same person. My relationship with God is changed, not because He is different, but because I am new. My marriage is different because I am not the same (and my wife too, of course, but we're talking about me here). I trust God. I recognize that it is not my performance the He is interested in. I am experiencing brokenness. My love for my wife is other-centered, not based on what she can do for me. I am learning to communicate out of strength rather than neediness. All my fears are on the table and I am every day operating less out of avoidance of them. My affirmation is from God.

As a practical example, at the college in which I am now an instructor, according to my monthly evaluations I am experiencing statistically improbable success. Especially for a math teacher, among the most hated, student and administration response to me has been unlike any other time I've taught. In the past I pined for good evaluations. Read through them and based my image of myself on what was said. I obsessed on the bad - how could they say that about me??? - and took pride in the good. Now I chuckle at my evaluations and forward them to my wife so she can too. The success I'm getting here is from God, I am utterly convinced. I take it as Him considering me ready.

God has restored my love for people. Not a love of what is in it for me. Just a love because He loves them. I've counseled students spiritually. It is no longer in my mind to be their hero. There are other examples that I see in myself. There are other reasons that this won't happen again. But I hope you get the picture. It's not external. It's not because my marriage is now perfect. It's not because my job is fulfilling or that I have an abundance of close friendships.

God has changed me.

Thanks for reading.