The Lie

We are told by Christ that we are to deny ourselves. But what does that mean? Is it just an exercise in changing our behavior, like picking the bad fruit off our tree in order to deny its existence? What of the teaching that bad fruit indicates a bad tree?

Shedding the light of Christ on our lives is more than just an exercise in getting my behaviors to match his. As if He is the jello mold that I must stuff the ugly mess of my life into. That belittles Christ, creating an example to be followed - the proverbial good teacher that we are more comfortable dealing with.

Christ is Savior. He is Redeemer. He is into restoration.

What creates bad fruit is a bad tree. That is the miracle of Christ - He changes trees. If we let him, submit ourselves and open ourselves to Him. Examining our hearts, taking a journey inward, is not about narcissism, but about understanding, denial and the light of the King.

Maggie Scarf has an amazing book on family systems that is related to this discussion. In Intimate Worlds she examines the Beavers System Model, which is an assessment of family functioning. The Beavers System measures behavior on a scale of 1 (being optimal) to 5 (being the family dictated by their pain).

What is so interested about the discussion of family systems is that Scarf makes clear that each system is created by adults that come into the system with, and also creates in its offspring, rules which they live by. A life 'truth' if you will.

Whether the members of the system are aware of the rules at a conscious level or not, they are propagated throughout the system. For most of us, this becomes the feeding ground of the false self. It is the lie that we believe; the very lie that helps to produce the bad fruit we are spending so much effort trying to control.

We are born into a broken world. They system that we are in continues to break us. Instead of putting Humpty Dumpty back together again, he is stepped on a further cracked. Mind you, in our families, this is usually not intentional. Most parents do not try to hurt their kids, they were raised in a system too. This is not a blame game, it is an awareness issue.

I'll use myself as a case in point. My lie was "I have to earn my needs being met, but ultimately someone else will deserve it more." So, I was a people pleaser. Earning my affirmation. I did the 'right' things and looked the 'right' way so that I could earn God's favor (and hence, I guess, my salvation). In my marriage, since someone else always deserves it more, I became passive. This lie that I was not aware of and had not formulated was holding me captive. Combating the fruit was futile, I had to address the tree.

Once you know the lie, you can substitute the truth. Moreover, you can experience the freedom of the truth because you know what to deny. You know how the enemy will attack. Struggles will remain as the two natures or our new self and false self battle, but we will improve at fighting the battle.

Then, in our followship, we can move beyond infantile obedience of doing something because we are supposed (where we all start), and proceed into the freedom to obey because we have exchanged the lie for the truth of God in Christ.

The Reflected Sense of Self

The Bible is truth. It cannot be minimized into a user manual for life. Nor it is a guide for a more prosperous life. To say it is a science book would also be a mistake. It is the truth about our relationship with God. Man's search for significance and God's desire to impart it to us.

It is with that belief that a passage in the book of James helped me shed light on a psychological concept that I just became aware of: the reflected sense of self.

We all want significance and will try to find it in Christ or outside of Christ. When we seek it outside of Christ, we form what spiritual theologians call the false self. An identity that allows us to define our significance. Yet, while we would call ourselves free, in reality it is the opposite of the freedom that God intends for us.

One of the ways that we experience this bondage is that the false self must be continually propped up in order to be convinced of its significance. We become a slave to securing our identity. Significance requires comparison, so the false self attempts to define who we are in relation to others. Among others, the question "what do others think of me?" becomes of paramount importance as we attempt to feed the false identity outside of Christ.

This is where we pick up with the idea of the reflected sense of self - that out of our own lack we take on the emotions that are reflected to us by others. It is as if we become an emotional mirror and are dependent upon how others respond to us.

I've admitted before that my false self desires affirmation, to feel chosen, and I spent my share of time being ruled by that desire. Even firmly rooted in Christ, there are shadows of that desire. Until recently, I was unable to understand why someone not embracing an idea of mine or advice felt like a personal rejection. What I was seeing mirrored to me was disapproval and I did not have the ability to separate the disapproval for an idea from disapproval of me.

So that you won't think too much of me, here is a ridiculous example from my relationship with my wife of how this played out in my life. Hopefully this illustrates my point, because I really can't believe I'm about to type this out.

I'm one of those guys who don't mind shopping for clothes. My wife is beautiful and I enjoy buying things for her and also appreciate being involved in the selection process. So I scour the racks for deals and things that I think my wife would make look amazing. This goes well until it is time for me to present my armload of selections to said wife. Then what took so much time to find is usually rejected down to, if I'm lucky, one item. Her looks of rejection for these items of clothing mirrored rejection on me. And rather than understand her framework for making decisions - different color preferences, comfort choices, fabric selection - I bore the rejection. If she loved me, after all, she'd trust that she really does look good in that shirt!

That is how the false self works. It doesn't take much to reveal the cracks in the foundation of what we are seeking our worth. Shifting sand. Affirmation for me. Maybe it is social status for you. Sexuality for someone else. Outside of Christ, or during the times we are off center from Him, we all have some self built quest for significance.

From situations like this and others with my wife and within other relationships, what gives me the ability to break free is not passively saying "just stop", "don't be hurt" or "it's not about you" but rather being active in telling myself the Gospel. In particular, that is that God notices me, I have been chosen, my life is significant regardless of my circumstances.

But, what does all this have to do with the book of James?

James 1:23-24 says - "Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like."

When we look at ourselves in the mirror of Christ, we see the true self, our identity as God intends it to be. That is the Gospel Christ came to proclaim, or as James refers to it a couple verses before, the word planted within us, that can save us. So, if I hear the word that God loves me, I'm adopted as His son through Christ, that I've been chosen, then I have had my true self mirrored to me in Christ. This brings freedom because I am no longer dependent upon others to build me up. I can love freely and need or expect nothing in return.

But if after hearing the Gospel truth about who I am in Christ, I return to feeding the false self, I have forgotten what I looked like. I'm settling for something less. The reflection that I see will be the dim one reflected to me by others. I'll return to the desperate needing of others to prop up my false sense of self.

We are to have our sense of self reflected to us. Only God has intended it to be reflected in Christ. Through the truth of the good news. Along with freedom, that brings the stability of an unchanging God. He is faithful not circumstantial. He is the foundation made of rock.

Happy New Year!

I spent the New Year aboard a cruise ship, so this particular entry is a couple days late. But, I figured better better late than waiting until next New Year's Eve when none of this will make any sense. By the way, nothing like a cruise vacation as far as unplugging. On a ship in international waters, no phone, texts, tweets, computer, email, nothing buy my family and a choice book or two. Love it.

What an astounding year it has been. Started with the ultimate low of having to admit to my wife and closest friends how far I fell and ended with an ever increasing awareness of the joys of living in the grace of God. It was a year in the desert. A year of restoration and discovering trust. A year of working on a resurrected marriage rather than a resuscitating an old one. A year of taking the awkward, sometimes painful steps on the journey to strength. And a year that has ended with God allowing me the blessing of a second chance. God has done too much.

Looking ahead is humbling and overwhelming. I start a new job tomorrow. God's timing, yet He let me in on the timeline from the beginning. A reward for trying to learn the discipline of being still? Whatever it is I may not sleep tonight. My head is joyfully aswim with ideas and possibilities.

There is a new dimension to my calling. I feel it so clearly. Like giving birth. A book. I don't know where it will lead, but since God is calling me there, I will follow. Trust. Writing, proclaiming is not something I feel sure of, but I am sure of the one who restored me. So I'll make the steps.

So what of 2011? As I think about what I have begun to learn about myself lately, some of which I detailed in my post regarding the relationship within me between the physical and spiritual, I think the theme for this year is discipline. More specifically discipline springing forth from God's love.

Here's the thing, and I know for some of you this may be elementary Christianity 101 (although I'm fairly certain there is a huge camp of Christians that will be like I was in this), this is not an attitude of discipline so I will look the part in order to win His approval and look acceptable to those around me. That's the old mask, living the life of good intentions and self effort. Feigning spiritual disciple as a way to make myself righteous.

What discipline springing forth from God's love is living in the truth that I'm already accepted by God. He knows my brokenness and embraces me in spite of it. My core need for love is met by Him. It is the freedom to pursue Him knowing that my success or failure does not make Him love me more or less. Discipline becomes the response to love rather than the precursor to earning it.

I knew that the former was a trick of the enemy. But while my head knew it, my heart did not. The truth had not yet made the descent. Ironically, my effort was keeping the descent from happening. Harder I tried the more isolated from God I felt. Funny how that works.

This year's theme is perfectly timed by God. I'm coming out of the desert, with all the stresses and temptations that will bring with it. Spiritual leadership must spring forth from the spiritual life; a life of making myself fully known to God. Abandonment of the spiritual life, misplacing that priority, not living in trust, living the lie would likely (or certainly) lead the the same spiral of futility that I've already experienced.

I can't wait to see what God is going to bring in the next year (or decade). Experience has shown me an overwhelming majority of Christians leading the spiritual life I formerly did. The mask, the lie, the self effort, the loneliness. My prayer is that God will use what I learned in the desert to help me lead people to begin their journey inward and ultimately to a fruitful relationship of living out of the abundance of God's love.

Indigestion

When my daughter was much younger, we used to be consumed by the four man children's group The Wiggles. We owned every one of their albums and videos. Three years in a row we went to their concerts when they passed through the area. (I am convinced the last year had nothing to do with my daughter and everything to do with my wife's love for the group.) The Wiggles all wore different color outfits and one year we all made our own shirts, one of each color, with home made iron-on decals on the front. I'd show you the picture, but then it'd go viral, I'm pretty sure.

One of the members of the group loved to eat. That was his special ability. (He was also the thinnest member, how was that possible?) His theme song started with the words "Food, food, wonderful food, to eat forever is my favorite wish!" How lovable. Unless desire for food becomes more than just enjoying the flavors and smells.

I am overweight. Always have been. Husky. I carry it fairly well, can perform in athletics, but it is becoming more and more evident to my belt. As for food, I do love the taste. Yet, I have also always noticed that in times of relational stress or dissatisfaction that I tend to load up on the sweets, crackers and chips. Like a high-carb nervous habit.

Recently, as part of my journey inward, I took a spiritual inventory. It summed me up pretty good. Almost too good; I do hate to be typecast. While I was reading the brief outline of characteristics of my type (and feeling like I was reading some of my blog posts) I happened to notice a link to "common addictions for your type". Not really feeling like I'm given to an addition (I'm not in a 12 step program after all), I clicked the link just so I could prove to myself that I wasn't completely predictable. Here's what it said...

Abusing food and over-the-counter medications. Bingeing, especially on sweets and carbohydrates. Over-eating from feeling "love-starved."

I almost spit the Parmesan cheese crackers out of my mouth that I was eating (Pepperidge farms makes these amazing crackers with Italian herbs and four cheeses on them....oh wait, hang on, trying NOT to be predictable here). Now, while over-the-counter meds are not my thing (and I shall definitely be avoiding them), the rest is dead on bull's eye. I abuse food, primarily when I feel love starved. Which has been often. So I've been on this weight roller coaster. I manage to lose some, but my relational system has not changed, so they come back (and bring friends, just like demons).

This has been an amazing internal realization for me. There is a tangible parallel between my emotional well being and my weight. God's timing in this realization is so completely perfect.

With my spiritual advisor last week, we were talking about relationships as I approach the time of coming out of the desert. She observed that God has used this time to carve out a large empty space within me and queried as to how I was going to fill it. In the last year and a half I've carefully laid a foundation of God within this space. Reserving it for Him, a place for He and I to meet.

It is with caution that I need to get back into the swing of ministry. After the extended time of fasting, it would be almost expected to gorge. To try to be the friend of everyone, to try to prove myself to anyone who would notice - to take a step back into my former people-pleasing ways.

When I was describing this to my advisor, before any of this addiction to carbs chatter started, I used the image of having the choice of two plates - one filled with french fries, and the other a heaping salad - the former filled with the things that will satisfy only briefly and the latter filled with the things of God. Literally, the image I used was a foreshadow of our conversation later.

Carbs are easily digestible. They feel good; they give an instant kick; they feel comfortable. But carbs don't nourish and they don't satisfy. In fact, when I eat a bunch of fries or crackers or m&m cookies, I only want more. That is such a picture of the people-pleaser. People's affirmation doesn't nourish the soul. Pleasing people doesn't last. It is a cycle of having to work harder to receive less and less, of eating more and more to quiet the loveless feeling.

The bridge here is my spiritual life. As I alluded to earlier, the timing of this realization is perfect (well, it is Christmas and there are lots of cookies, so it is big picture perfect). My craving for sweets can function as a thermometer for my feelings of love. A 'love-meter' of sorts. I can use those moments to remind myself that God loves me, Jesus died for me, the Spirit lives in me. In my weakness, God can be strong. I can continue to fill myself with the things of God rather than the images of love and approval that are the world's and won't last.

Am I filling up with the things of God or the Salad can be a spiritual reminder! The truth is that my relational system IS different. If for no other reason than I am different. But, it is still good to have a reminder of the discipline it takes to make good choices - with food, relationally, and spiritually. But, God's grace gets to shine through, because when I slip and eat a chocolate covered caramel Santa, I know that God still loves no matter how I perform. Grace and effort in tension. Grace will win every time.

Love Is a Battlefield

Pat Benatar penned a song with those lyrics. In her song, she is talking about young lovers standing together against the heartaches of life. You can sense the desperation of her tone when you hear the song, almost like she is living in the anticipation that eventually something will come along to drive them apart.

Love being a battlefield reminds me of the church. If I am going to be completely honest with you, reader, then I have to say that through my experience of the last year, having to rely on God, having lost everything and being slowly restored, - like biblical Job or what the mystics would call having an experience of the Paschal Mystery - I can say that I truly understand the grace of God. My experience with it has been personal and life changing.

Before all of this I would have said that I understood grace. I would have been able to present God's grace to someone in a compelling way. (God's Riches At Christ's Expense! How clever!) But, I don't think lived my own spiritual life, or many times my interactions with people, in the authentic understanding of grace. Rather than believing that God loves me so that I can change, I effectively believed that God will love me if I change. Often, my treatment of people, or lack of compassion for them, what guided by this belief.

Brennan Manning has observed that the "church has become a wounder of the healers rather than a healer of the wounded." From my own experiences both given and received, this seems largely accurate. Richard Rohr notes it this way, that the majority of religion is more concerned with rituals, moralities, and group conformity rather than knowing ourselves and how the self that was created by God can relate to Him. So we tell people Jesus is the answer (which of course He is, but we leave it very nebulous what that means practically, probably because most don't know themselves), sin no more, get in a Bible study, and serve somewhere. That becomes the entry into the spiritual battle of most.

Love is a battlefield.

The spiritual life is a battle. Jesus demonstrated that. The Bible pictures it. Yet I think it is something the church forgets. Forgets that in a battle there are casualties. No one's spiritual path is going to be without hurts or setbacks. That is the reality of living in a fallen world and coming up against an enemy that rages to take as many as he can to their doom.

So on our battlefield, we shoot our own. Offering condemnation and arrogance. On our battlefield, we leave our wounded. Obviously they were not authentic or else they wouldn't have struggled and fallen. The body is supposed to offer comfort from the comfort we've received. God freely offers his grace and mercy and we are to do likewise.

I've always taken the teaching that "if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward" as literal water. I'm sure that is true. But is it possible that Jesus is talking about the living water of himself, his refreshing grace and his comforting mercy that we are also to offer his disciples? Certainly that is a legitimate possibility.

Living in the grace of God is changing my view of people and what they need, and I hope to be able to pass that perspective on to others as they walk their own journey and participate in the spiritual battle.

Thank you God for your never ending grace that has been greater than all the approval that I could receive from pleasing others. It has helped me break free of the bondage and lies of my fears. It has helped me not to be overcome by the awareness of my core sin, but to use that awareness to admit my dependency on the One Who Is Greater. It compels me to not repeat the patterns of my relational system. Grace is guiding me to strength and greater trust in the Most High. It is leading me on my journey toward living the life of love. All for Jesus.

Thou Dost Protesteth Too Much

While talking with some friends at church, we got going about the church group that has been in the news recently for protesting things. Mainly at the funerals of dead soldiers who were gay. But it seems they have branched out. My friend had encountered them at a sci-fi convention in San Diego where they had signs like "God hates nerds" and other uplifting statements.

Before Christ we all had things that we used in the place of God in our hearts. For some it may be the fantasy of a sci-fi world. For others it is how they define themselves sexually. Doesn't make it right, just true of everyone who has experienced the human condition.

It occurred to me that this church group has forgotten that. They've fallen into the trap of self-righteousness. Basically and attitude of "I've changed, forget that it was a process, I expect you to be just like me." Absent are grace and hope, heavy are the doses of judgment and condemnation. Really, it does more to damage the cause of Christ. If not for the Holy Spirit, I'd say it would be impossible for those who receive this condemnation to realize they are loved by God.

Conversely, I've been reading Blue Like Jazz by donald miller (he doesn't capitalize his name on the book cover, so I'll be cool and do the same). It's an interesting peek into one man's journey on the Christian path. My favorite chapter has been 'confession'. Seems don found himself one of a small handful of Christians on a very secular college campus, openly hostile to expressions of Christianity. As part of their effort to figure out how to live on this campus, they decided to 'come out' during a campus party weekend. They did this using a confession booth that advertised "Confess Your Sins".

Kicker was, the confession booth was for the Christians to confess how they'd failed as Christians, how they had not lived up to the example of Christ. This act was so shocking to the campus, that they earned a measure of acceptance and respect from the student body. A group once openly hostile, now tolerated and attended their groups and events.

Rather than self-righteous indignation, don and his gang practiced humility - not considering themselves higher than they ought, remembering from where they came on their own journey and how they were formerly trapped in the world of sin.

I'm afraid that my pride caused me to be more like the former than the latter. No, I didn't protest things - I've always thought that was a silly way to reach people and communicate a hope filled message - my self-righteousness was more subtle. I had allowed myself a book understanding of people's problems rather than having a heart felt empathy.

It is hard to follow Christ. It is often painful to accept the truth of his teachings and pursue obedience. There are painful consequences when you work out your salvation. More often than I'd like to admit, while my advice was sound, I was given to frustration rather easily when people didn't immediately follow it. Or struggled to make up their mind. That was my pride. Rather, pride's fruitful cousin - self-righteousness.

It was like life was a multiple choice test, and all we needed was the answer key. Life would work out if we'd all just bubble in the correct circles. And I approached my life and as well as others with that mindset. I did this with people I counseled and some of those that I led. Especially with my wife as she did not live up to my expectations and meet my needs. And to some degree, with myself as I lived behind my mask. I didn't have a lot of grace to give because I wasn't allowing myself to receive it. I had my proverbial fig leaf on as I hid even from God.

The heart is a funny thing. It is described as the wellspring of life and also deceitful above all things. I am told John of the Cross wrote that the language of God is the experience God writes into our lives. That sounds about right. And God has used my experience to replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh. My time in the dessert has really renewed my love for people and my desire to serve them in the name of Christ. Not perfectly, and I'm learning to give myself grace along the way (still a struggle). This time, though, loving others is not for the benefit of my approval meter.

Who's the Boss?

It has taken a long time to learn, but I have been the king of the 'non-anxious response'. Said another way, I had come to lead my marriage (and participate in other close relationships) out of my fears and anxieties. Fear of rejection, fear of not being loved, and fear of not living up to other's expectations (disappointing others) were the things I was trying to avoid. So, it turns out, I wasn't so much leading as I was placating my own fears.

Much like my dad, I've always tended toward passivity and people pleasing. Ways to relieve my pain and avoid my fears. If I didn't open up, rejection would be less painful. If I did things to make people happy, I wouldn't have to face disappointment. While I was plenty guilty of this in all areas, I am mainly going to focus on my marital system.

Here's the problem: when your highest goal is to keep the peace, you transfer the power in the relationship. When having your own expectations met determines your happiness, the other person is in control. And that, very subtly, is what happened in my marriage. This did not happen by any nefarious plan by my wife, it is simply the equilibrium we achieved to minimize our pain.

Yet, my role is leader. God gifted me and designed me to be a leader. So, it is oh so ironic that in my immediate family I allowed my anxious response take me out of the leadership position. Just like Adam. You know that story, don't you?

Past results have been that, if I'm not leading my marriage, I am then trying to get something out of it. Placing expectations on my wife for my happiness. Rather than a ministry, marriage was about performing to get the reward. That is the definition of being undifferentiated in a relationship, if you've never heard the counseling term for it.

My wife was the boss by default. Just like Eve. Both of them facing the serpent while the men are abandoning their responsibility. My greatest failure in all of this has been that, while I was so focused on my own needs and anxieties, I didn't notice the struggle that my wife was having. The walls of protection that she was erecting. Actually, not noticing is too strong - I certainly did notice them because they caused my wife not to be able to respond to me emotionally, physically or spiritually as my wife. By the time I was emotionally empty enough to suggest getting some outside help, she was emotionally empty enough not to want to pitch in the effort. Further frustration cause by pandering to my fears.

A husband is supposed to provide the security for his wife to open up and be herself. I was so focused on the lack of respect that I was due that I was shutting her down. An exhausting cycle because my response, was to try harder and harder to have the marriage everyone would expect.

In my defense, with the example passed to my by my father, I did not have the tools to do this. My root sin of pride made it very hard to invite people into this. Frustration with God caused me to shut Him out. A bad experience quenched any trust that I did have or might have developed. And no one seemed to notice or care about what they were seeing in me. That is not a statement to try to absolve myself of responsibility, just an observation of the relational system I'd constructed.

So, harder and harder I tried, like a hamster in a wheel. My every misguided effort only served to solidify the status quo. My wife felt more hurt, alone, misunderstood and built more walls of insulation. I felt more lonely, unlovable and disrespected. Legitimate needs and desires that I wanted fulfilled in illegitimate ways. Like the hamster, my tank was empty and I was still nowhere.

Never make a decision alone when you are emotionally exhausted and spiritually empty. For me, when I was at this place, I dropped the pretensions and was emotionally honest. Unfortunately, out of this desperation, rather than pursuing godliness, I took refuge in worldliness. Bad choice.

Here's the thing, that's where we got when power was transferred in my relationship. Like Esau giving up the birthright for some stew, I gave up power to avoid my fears. The process of change requires that I take back leadership. Tough considering the 'comfort' of our known roles. Journeying toward strength means facing my fears and considering my wife's needs alongside my own. Tough because it means denying my legitimate needs and desires for a time to allow my wife the safety and room to heal. It means stepping into my God given and God designed role.

Like walking barefoot your entire life and then being given shoes, it feels awkward but hopefully both my wife and I will adjust to the comfort and protection of the new footwear. It means me having the strength to lead, and her having the strength to let me.

A Bit of New Vocabulary

It's funny how a single word can have mutually exclusive meanings. Take the word 'differentiation' as an example. In the realm of mathematics, where I first learned and got comfortable with this word, differentiation is the process of determining the rate of change of certain equations. For instance, if you know the equation describing the position of an object relative to time, then when you differentiate this equation you have the rate of change of the position or in other words the velocity.

There you go, a free physics lesson on this pastoral blog. What other pastor do you know that can pull that one off?

It is quite handy to have a vocabulary to correlate with what you are learning about yourself. Lately I have been running across lots of new words to describe aspects of the dynamics in a relational system. Just so happens that 'differentiation' is among them, and also happens to be the most apropos to my current season of life.

I remember as a kid watching a Sunday night movie about Helen Keller. It was one of those things you had to endure as a kid, like watching Little House on the Prairie. The particular scene that I can recall is the moment that Helen puts together the symbols for W-A-T-E-R that her tutor was signing into her hand as the fresh, cold substance was poured on her face. Once she got it, she wanted to know the words for everything. Having a vocabulary and a way to communicate is a very liberating. To a much lesser degree, I feel that same sense of liberation.

It's all about the lingo. Back to the 'differentiation'...the basic concept relationally is distinguishing yourself from other members of the system. As is was explained to me by a friend, it is having the ability to think "you are over there and I am over here, your emotional response is separate from my own." I'm hoping to avoid getting to technical (I've already had a paragraph about math!), so I hope that explanation does the trick.

For me, a rather large component of the journey toward relational strength that I am on is this idea of being able to differentiate myself. A pattern that I have noticed is that the closer a relationship gets to me, the more undifferentiated I become. Some of the ways this manifests itself in my relationships is by people-pleasing, seeking abundant affirmation, inability to say 'no', taking the onus of responsibility in relationships - especially for communicating and planning.

Being able to understand that I have grown and developed in an environment that fostered a performance equals extra love mindset. That helps to explain my need for affirmation and approval. Well, let me rephrase that, because I think at some level, everyone needs that. There is nothing wrong with being affirmed or in wanting that. The problem is when that become THE concern in a relationship and the preponderance of actions are directed at how to receive more.

Hence the people-pleasing. But it goes even deeper. Because of the equation performance = love, if someone disagrees with me or expresses disapproval for an action, though, performance, etc., it feels like love is being withdrawn. Think of how unstable that would make a relationship seem if that became your perception. If you and your spouse disagreed on the gas mileage the car was getting and it felt like more than disagreement, what if it felt like rejection and having love withdrawn?

That's been the source of my passivity and hence my undifferentiation. Anything so that I would not feel like that. One of the results is that I opened myself up to feel unloved in other ways. But I guess I was choosing the lesser of two evils and I had no way foster change without opening myself up to more hurt and rejection. When you don't understand the source (as was the case with me before) or have any vocabulary to talk about what is going on, it becomes hard to identify the right choices. So, I tried to cure myself by 'fixing' the symptoms.

Only you carry the problems into the next context. God told me that change starts with me.

So I'm making the journey.

I'm choosing to trust.

And I'm differentiating.

In any system, if you change one part you change the entire system because it has to adapt. A new balance is created. Problem is being undifferentiated shielded my close relationships from being upset. From pursuing me. Basically from being in a relationship of equal effort. That is a hard course to correct.

While I've noticed a reaction from most of my relationship, in particular my wife notes that I get upset now. Make stands and boundaries that I did not make before. She is having to learn how to respond. This adjustment must be tough and unsettling for her. On some level it would probably be easier to go back to the way things were - even though those ways weren't particularly good. I'm sure it is difficult for her to give up some of the responsibilities that I've passively allowed her to take on. Things that cause her anxiety. I hope that she will begin to embrace the feminine role for which God has designed her. I also hope that I become a better example of Christlikeness that will help her run toward her relationship with God.

I'm looking forward to the new, healthy balance that God is bringing to my relationships. I'm still changing, the journey is far from over, but I am making the decision to trust God with my life and destiny. (That is a differentiated statement, btw.)

God's Doppler Shift

Ever been standing still when an ambulance or fire truck passes you with its siren wailing? You notice right away that the sound of the siren as it approaches is different that the sound it makes when it gets further away. Same siren...different sound. It's a matter of perspective. As the siren approaches, the sounds waves scrunch together creating one tone and as the siren goes away the waves stretch out. New tone. Here is a picture to attempt clarification:

It is amazing the difference your perspective can make. Another instance would be if you were driving a good, safe 55 miles per hour in your car. When another car passes you going 70 mph, from your frame of reference the car that passes appears to be going 15 mph, but if you were standing on the side of the road hitchhiking the car would certainly seem to be going 70. It's all about your perspective.

Fairly simple observations like that take a great deal of physics equations to describe. Sometimes it is like that with simple stuff, it's just a little more complicated that it appears on the surface.

Yesterday I took a walk and something like that clicked in place for me. Perspective. Specifically, what perspective am I drawing my view of self from. Lately I have been stuck feeling like a used McDonald's styrofoam container (I know they don't use them anymore, but work with me here). Used up and discarded. Feeling worthless and full of regret.

One of the things that has been tough to navigate on my journey to restoration has been people's response to me. For the record, I know that what I did was selfish and stupid. A betrayal of the trust of my spouse, friends and church members. You will not find me shirking that reality. With that said, I know that trust and friendship is earned and that takes a lot of time.

What I was not expecting was the distance. The running away. Like I have spiritual leprosy that others could catch. "I'll call you"...and then nothing. Doing lunch...then met with excuses about getting together in the future. I've grieved over this rejection which has been feeding my sense of worthlessness and unworthiness.

Something clicked yesterday, though. What I was feeding myself was generated by other people's perspective. Not God's. Thinking from God's vantage point, I am fully loved. Jesus still died for me, that did not expire. Sure God is disappointed, but I'm forgiven. He is not discarding me, He is using this for my good, my strengthening, and the good of His kingdom. It is His perspective that I have to live out of.

That's been my Doppler Shift. Accepting myself as God sees me...not so I can stay the same, but so that He can change me and lead me through His plan for me. That's the irony. In the old way of thinking I was going to get stuck. Stuck in regret. Stuck in hopelessness. In this new perspective I am open to God's change, and more accepting of the process - painful as it is.

I think that is what Peter had in mind when he wrote "set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed." My hope and my perspective must be fully focused on the grace of God. Thank you God for that.

Father Forgive Me

I wrote most of this blog entry on March 25th but never posted it. Never felt done to me; something was missing. After talking with a friend yesterday, we stumbled onto the one missing fragment that would make all this bind together.

"Father forgive me." I remember saying that to the priest every week when I was a kid. In case I haven't mentioned or you forgot, I grew up Roman Catholic. The whole confession thing made a huge impression on me, a scar that had been with me up until recently. Forgiveness was earned. That was the truth seared into my soul. There were hoops to jump through, it was all about religion. That was the impression the practice of confession and penance left upon my adolescent mind. Do what it takes to keep God happy.

Of course, I am not knocking confession. That is a necessity for a transparent, authentic relationship. We are to confess to one another; it is the idea that someone doles out forgiveness or the steps to forgiveness in the place of God. In fact, there's only supposed to be one intermediary between God and man...but I digress slightly.

Confession is for God. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and forgives our sins. No mention of Hail Marys, rosaries, or Our Fathers. Just forgiveness. Grace given to us from the hand of God.

This is an idea that struck me as I was reading about David and Bathsheba. When confronted by Nathan, David says "I have sinned against the Lord." Not that he hadn't also sinned against Bathsheba, Uriah, Joab, and even Nathan as he indignantly lied to his face. But David knew where forgiveness started.

Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. - Psalm 51:4

With my new perspective, when I read the account of David and Nathan I understand why David came to this conclusion. God had anointed David king. He delivered him from the hand of Saul. God gave him the house of Israel and Judah. If that wasn't enough, He then promised if that was too little David would have been given more. David was thumbing his nose at God and defying His law. As if David made his own way as king. Or as if he could now go his own way. It was a bold faced denial of God's sovereign power in his life. Like a dare. I dare you God to take it away.

I did the same thing. Ignored God. Put my pursuit of Him on hold. Denied my heart for Him and made the pursuit of my happiness the main thing. It worked out poorly for David and likewise it worked out poorly for me.

My pursuit of happiness caused me to focus on everyone else's sins. How my wife was wronging me. Perceived betrayal by friends. Anyone who tried to get in my way was automatically deemed wrong. Didn't matter what they said.

So it is from this vantage point that I understand David's seemingly oblivious words that it was against God alone that he sinned. Until I sought forgiveness from God, I was incapable of seeking forgiveness from anyone else. That realization had to be first. It's the lynch pin. Without God's forgiveness nothing else of value can happen. Against him alone had I sinned.

It did not just apply to seeking forgiveness, but offering it as well. I could not genuinely offer my wife my forgiveness until I was forgiven by God. I could not forgive others until I had received the grace that God promises.

I would always say I'd forgiven my wife. In truth I was just burying it. You're supposed to look the part of the happy, well-adjusted couple, right? That was the mask I was wearing. The pit I was stuck in. Mr. Forgiveness. Only it was a facade. My expectations of her were still intact. I wanted to say I'd forgiven because I wanted to get.

For me it was a hard place to get to, receiving God's grace. Accepting myself, imperfections and all. Realizing God loves me and knows all about the imperfections. He wants to grow me beyond them, but first I have to acknowledge awareness of my weaknesses and lay them at His feet. Stop only playing the part and put the mask away.

One of the results of finally being able to accept and live in the grace and mercy of God has been a return of my love for people. Not a selfish love because of the affirmation or affection I could get, but love born out of love and forgiveness. He who is forgiven much forgives much. By gratefully receiving, I have a greater desire to give. It is freedom - freedom from expectations, freedom from worldly measures of wealth, freedom from the mask - free to be who God made me. All because I accepted a forgiveness that I didn't earn.

This Blog Is Better Than The Notebook

Have you noticed that every romantic movie, aimed at women, now claims in big letters on the box that "This movie is better than The Notebook!"? It's annoying and also a red flag that the movie is going to be a let down. I didn't enjoy The Notebook, but if I did I would be super wary of these new releases claiming to be the heir apparent.

Today's topic is women. When trying to think of some catchy title for the blog all I could think of was that movie and one thought led to another and BAM - bad blog title. The first paragraph was just a segway between the meaningless title of this blog and the actual body.

Not sure if lingo will be a problem today, but I really feel prompted to share this. More specifically than women is the idea of womanhood. What Larry Crabb calls femininity. What God designed women to be. Several months ago I listened to a conference Dr. Crabb gave regarding masculinity and femininity. It's been awhile, but if memory serves, he formulates his definitions from the Hebrew roots of male and female in Genesis.

Biblical masculinity remembers God and creates order by entering into darkness and chaos. That is strength, overcoming fear to make the first steps. In the garden, Adam broke from the mold God made for him by standing silently and passively by while Eve was tempted.

For women, Dr. Crabb defines femininity as the ability to reveal the invitational nature of God. True masculinity and femininity complement each other to form intimacy in varying degrees depending upon the nature of the relationship.

In my life this has been a struggle that I've been unaware of until recently. How do I respond to true biblical womanhood? Examples have been for the most part lacking in my life. My mom manipulates (Now let me make a disclaimer: after my blogs regarding my dad I had some a comment to the effect - I'm sure your dad was doing the best he could. That is totally true. My parents love me and I love them, of that I have no doubt. This is just observation, not judgment.) Mom will manipulate by making comments, then if you respond she will say "Oh, I was just kidding." She'll exaggerate. She is the queen of expecting you to read between the lines and know what she wants and if you don't she'll be hurt. Manipulative femininity.

I had an inappropriate relationship with someone who used her femininity for evil. To seduce and destroy. (Again a disclaimer: in no way am I shirking my responsibility for my actions. Only stating the reality that I was not alone in doing wrong.) Destructive femininity.

My wife, because of her own struggles, tends to hold me at a distance. Intimacy is not possible because she has not accepted herself as a loved and valuable daughter of God. Despite her stated desires that we be close, she still has the first impulse to run. Unapproachable femininity.

For differing reasons and to varying degrees, each of these struggles to reveal the invitational nature of God. As I make the journey from passivity to strength, as I have detailed before, it become important for me to respond appropriately to femininity.

Having little exposure to that has taught me to respond selfishly. With my wife I developed expectations and demands of her behavior. In the case of my mom, I attempt to please her to gain approval. And I responded to the seductive femininity by selfishly attempting to be my own god.

Case in point, my wife has a friend who does not like to hug. For whatever reason. But I do. In fact, I am a very affectionate person, so in this area we are diametrically opposed. So, I've hugged her anyway. Joked about it, even told her that maybe I can teach her to enjoy a hug. In effect, I made the entire interaction about me. "If she liked me, she'd hug me." This is obviously not true, but instead of looking to all the ways she shows her friendship, I used this one thing as a litmus test.

Bottom line is that if I am going to become strong, biblical man then I need to be able to remember who God is, face my own fears, and be able to communicate through word and action the purposes of God. That is not a selfish endeavor. In fact, it is considerable other-centered. It is the example left by Christ. Doing the will of God rather than your own will, eyes focused on the things of God rather than the things of man. Submitting to Him. Denying myself.

With women in particular, it means taking words as face value. Being grateful for complements and praise rather than feeling guilty. It means respecting boundaries. For me and my wife, it means that I set boundaries, not withdraw, and do my best to step forward and provide order and security in her world at the level appropriate for a husband. I'm not to be her god, I am to serve her and serve God.

None of this may make sense to whoever is reading this blog. A lot of the thoughts are a combination of stuff I've read, counseling sessions, and a Larry Crabb lecture series. It's a blog so I left a lot undefined. That's OK. Skip on to yesterday's, it is better with a more meaningful title. But in these last few paragraphs I think I figured out why God wanted me to type this out today. My fears have defined more that just my relationship with God. I knew that, but I've just seen how. More than ever I am choosing to trust.

Just Say No

So I was drinking from a dangerous cocktail. My relationship with God was being defined by my performance, I was throwing myself into my work as a way to comfort myself through my marriage issues, and I was a people pleaser with a high desire for affirmation.

But what made things even worse is that I was good at what I was doing. My relational style of leadership is good at building people up and getting the most out of them. My organizational skills and vision are at least above average. My capacity to formulate a plan, get people on board and get things done is high. Just sayin'. Sometimes I feel like I focus so much on my failings in this blog, it feels good to finally point out a positive.

Problem was: this positive was both a blessing and a curse. Effectiveness leads to more affirmation and thus more opportunity. Not wanting to let anyone down led to more 'yes' answers when presented with opportunity. It was a cycle. Fueled by pride. With no one looking out for me, and me not looking out for myself, I was gradually became overwhelmed. Sometimes unable to face my list for the day because there was so much on it. Meeting on top of meeting. Training, recruiting, and encouraging leaders. Counseling. Teaching. Visiting. Little time for reflecting, planning or evaluating. Certainly not for meditating or praying.

At the root, though, was not a desire to glorify God. The unspoken desire of my heart was to glorify myself. Seeking the affirmation I desire. Validation for who I was; my calling and my relationship with God. I couldn't say no; I wanted things to rely on me - and for the most part I got my wish.

Everyone has a limited capacity. Whether or not you train leaders to carry forth your vision, there is only so much time for that as well. So rather than doing anything great, I was doing a lot of things well. (Another nefarious strategy of mine was to call other churches. Partly out of a desire to learn, but also partly to gloat about how much better I was doing than they were. Uplifting stuff.) Comparison with others was a main method of evaluation, rather than looking at my gift set, potential or calling.

Brokenness will change your pride. Losing (or giving away) everything will change your outlook. As I begin to answer the rumblings of ministry again - The Calling - I'm more focused. What do I say yes to and what no? What tasks or opportunities would benefit from my skill and gift set and what could anyone else do? Decision making 101 - focus on what to say yes or no to. My identity is not dependent on my performance, it is rooted in Christ.

I don't want my family short-changed. They deserve the best of me, not what is left over. Particularly my wife. Previously I was able to rationalize starving her of my attention because I wasn't getting what I needed. Regardless of my needs, my God given responsibility is to my relationship with her. Other-centered love rather than self-centered. Sounds like another blog topic.

I don't want my ministry short-changed. God has uniquely gifted me. (How many people-oriented, pastoral, mathematicians do you know?) Saying yes to everything non-discriminantly, no matter how good, may cause me to miss out on the main thing(s) God has for me.

Anything that comes my way will have to pass through this new filter. Even more, my wife is included in the decision making/prayer process; gathering her perspective on the drain to my time of any new opportunity. I've always wanted her to have part ownership of my ministry and this is one way that will happen. This is about both of us and I don't want her to again resent my job as she would a mistress. For me it is a calling, the 'job' is part of me. Her encouragement and support is necessary; I've done ministry having to fight against her opposition. Balance.

As I've said before, my journey is toward strength. Strength has boundaries. Boundaries are enforced. Enforcement takes strength. In mathematics that's called the transitive property (I always enjoy throwing in a good math reference.) It may involve letting some people down, but 'no' is becoming part of my vocabulary. I've already thrown it out there a couple times. Good opportunities to make a difference. But they weren't the best thing for me, not what God is drawing me toward.

The end result of this is that I'll be even more effective. Soaring with my strengths. Doing the things I am made for in the quantities that I'm made for. Saying 'no' is a challenge. But it is freeing not being tied to people's expectations.

The Wall

During my time in college, there was one requirement that was seemingly universal for all students and it had nothing to do with SAT test, grade point averages or the freshman fifteen. It was ownership of a certain classic album. In the day of CD's, (wow, yet another 'back in my day' story. they are accumulating fast.) this was a double album. On typical college campuses this album was more universal than taking chemistry. It was Pink Floyd's The Wall.

I'll admit that I owned a copy. Listened to it once. Well, ok, I'll be totally honest, I listened to three-quarters of it once. I just didn't get it. The entire thing seemed like just a bunch of nonsense to me. Yet I kept it. Firmly entrenched in my wooden CD rack for all to see. Yes, of course I wanted to meet the requirements to attend college!

The guys who lived below me in the dorm also owned it and listened to it frequently - at least to Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2). They even had some very creative lyrics that I cannot possibly type here.

All and all it's just a...nother brick in the wall.

Now the lyrics loop has started in my head. Just great. This moment in classic rock has been brought to you (and I'm enduring the lyrics loop) so that I could bring up the subject of The Wall, because long before I acted out of my desperation I had him my own wall.

Not that I knew it at the time. After some reading about spiritual formation, it's a descriptor that I've put on my spiritual life in hindsight. The wall. Part of the inner struggle with the emotional stuff we bring to the table when we dine with Christ. Not sure that my emotional stuff was that severe compared to so many others, but that may be why it was so dangerous - crouching their unaddressed because they were not taken seriously. I don't have no stinkin' issues!

Here's the thing that hard experience has taught me about spiritual walls...they don't go away. You can't tunnel under them, jump over them or plow through them. In fact, there is really no way to ignore them. You can pretend to, but your wall (junk, issues, soul damage, or whatever you want to call it) will be there affecting your walk with Christ.

The issues that I was having in my close relationships, but my marriage in particular, brought me up face to face with my wall. I had doubts. Lots of questions of God. Maintaining connection with God was tough. I've since learned that this is a normal and healthy point to be at; part of our spiritual growth. Only I took it that something was wrong. I must be doing the wrong things if my relationship with God was this tough.

So I went back to where I was comfortable, where I felt on solid ground. Back to DOING stuff. Determinedly pressing on. Only I didn't know I was going backward, I just thought I had gotten around my hurdle, my wall. My job as pastor became my identity, especially my spiritual identity. Forming an unhealthy cord of three strands with my job was my expectation of approval and search for intimacy.

That seemed to make things better for awhile. Yet it was still there. Still being ignored. My wall. Little did I realize at the time that the strategy I had developed to ignore the affects of my issues on my relationship was setting me up for crisis. I was perverting the grace of God, creating an idol of my desire for happiness.

You see, the only was to get rid of your wall is to dismantle it. Piece by messy piece. That is what my original discontent was all about. I'd gotten to the edge and I needed to turn my spiritual attention inward. Allow the power of Christ to help you deal with your stuff.

And I missed it by a mile.

I think some of this discomfort at looking at my own stuff came from a misconception that I think is common among Christians. We are told that in Christ we are a new creation. The old is gone and the new is come. With that new creation comes an expectation that our struggles of old, the hurts, the habits, the thought processes all automatically disappear.

More magic pill Christianity. So, when we still struggle or when the old struggles resurface (as they will) we get discouraged. God may be allowing the issue to surface. He wants to work it for our good. Now that we are in Christ we can process it with the mind of Christ. We can be drawn deeper into the arms of God. Instead we refuse this opportunity for God to work good. We cover our shame (Adam and Eve anyone?) and we beat ourselves up for still being damaged. Why wouldn't we be? While God can clearly work miracles without us, in the Bible He usually responds to a step of faith by us.

The old indeed has gone. Old way of thinking. Old way of avoidance. Old way of pursuing our own happiness. Old way of coping with life out of our own strength. All gone. It is replaced by the new. Being in Christ. Taking our burden to Him. Allowing Him into our pain. What has come is the ability for healing, but the issue needs to have light shone on it.

I'd taken the magic pill and I was choking on it. Choking on my expectations and insecurities. Passivity. Retreating in conflict. Fear of rejection. Pride. Fear of disappointing others. Approval addiction. And a distrust of God. That is quite the list. Turns out I had more issues that I imagined.

The good news is that the wall is coming down. Brick by brick. The job is a little taller now because of the damage I did in my crisis. But I am developing the tools to overcome. Brokenness before God. Gratitude. Contentment in Christ. A few close men who can ask me anything and themselves who have to strength to pry. Someone to provide counsel.

I'm looking forward to what is on the other side of the wall.

It Takes Love to Make Love

I was just out walking around the workplace which is fairly typical because I have a hard time sitting still. (During meetings I have to concentrate on not moving my knees or tapping my feet.) One of the secretaries is reading a very popular marriage book that started a conversation between us. In the world of marriage improvement books, there seems to be two broad categories of which this book fell into what I will cleverly call 'category 1' - books that recommend if you are having some marriage struggles, the best thing you can do is meet your spouses needs. Then they will feel loved and hence begin to meet your needs and you will feel loved. Problem solved and it's only page 4!

Well, yes and no. It is definitely not a bad thing to be aware of your spouse's needs. And there is some practical truth to the principle of if you treat others well, they will be more likely to treat you well. A key point that I think 'category 1' books miss is motive. Why are you trying to meet your spouse's needs? If you are meeting needs in order to get a desired response, that boils down to some glorified selfishness. Concern is not really for the spouse's needs nor for the health of the marriage, but only for how you feel.

Sadly 'category 1' marriage books seem to be most generally popular. One reason is probably because they are like a sitcom, and everything is wrapped up and well defined by the end of the book - solutions to your relationship problems in 150 pages or less. Another is desperation, trying anything that claims to work - making the pain go away, (but maybe God wants go to feel the pain). A third is this advice puts you in control of the situation - being your own god.

It is hard to follow the blueprint of these books for very long. Even harder is looking at someone you are counseling, who has been living in a love desert for years, and telling them that the solution is to potentially humiliate themselves for the benefit of someone else who in all truthfulness is probably acting very selfishly also. That is, it is hard if you do not address motive. 'Category 1' books put the cart before the horse.

We could summarize the issue with the following logic statement "If you want to feel loved in your marriage, then you must strive to meet your spouse's needs." But what foolishness. That presupposes that the highest calling in marriage is to have our needs met. And what happens when when your spouse doesn't turn it around? If your behavior is predicated upon getting an expected reaction, then what happens when you don't get what you want? More frustration, more anger and ultimately more distance.

I know because I fell into the trap. Ultimately, my goal was to change my spouse's behavior not to address what was going on in our marriage. Ironically, this is not what I counseled those who came into my office for advice. It is so funny how God is able to use someone as broken as me while I remained blind to what was going on. When someone would come in to talk about their marriage, there was really only one focus that was possible - what was their relationship with God like, because everything flows out of that. If their spouse was unable to love them, I would use that as a teaching point to remind them that we need to connect with God and let him love us.

I'm not sure why that advice was good for others, but not for me. Well, actually I am sure, I was in a weird catch 21, I knew God loved me if things were going well, so to connect with God I needed things to go well, and onward the spiral would go. One of the laughable things about my situation was how good at pastoral care I was. At my worst moment people would ask of me the simple question "What would you tell someone doing the exact same thing as you?" Good grief. Hard to get out of that one; that's another blog.

What is it that many of these popular marriage books miss? Motive. What is the motive of our lives. Is it to be happy (a la following expectations of Jesus rather than Jesus)? Or is it to be a faithful minister of reconciliation? I want the latter to be true of me in my relationship. My wife is not a means to an end. Nor is she a problem to be fixed. She is someone to be loved. An opportunity, given by God, to minister in the name of Jesus.

To do that well, my motive must be addressed. So, in order to reflect a biblical motivation, the previous conditional statement needs to be changed to "If you want to feel loved in your marriage, then you must let God love you." Security comes from experiencing the love of God. He does love us, and demonstrated that through Jesus, and He wants us to live in that knowledge everyday and through everything this world throws at us.

For me, this was the underlying problem. God's love wasn't a reality for me. I knew about it. I could explain it and help others understand it. But I wasn't experiencing it. This wasn't always my experience. But for a variety of reasons, during my season of duress I retreated to a place of comfort. Love as performance and affirmation. That too will be subject of another blog; that'll hopefully keep you coming back for more.

How do you let God love you? Great question, and I think the answer varies somewhat depending upon the individual. For me, it starts with connecting - praying, studying, reading. But not as items to be crossed off a list. Embracing who God made me, rather than who I think He expects me to be. Extending grace to myself when I 'fail' by not living up to my own expectations. Looking for things to be grateful for. Being very intentional about telling myself how I know I can trust God; not letting my trust be dictated by my circumstance (bad or good). Just continuing to tell my story to myself and others. All of these are components of embracing God's love for me.

Among the fruit of experiencing the love of God in my life is that my love for people has returned. I'm not so cynical or hardened. As I walk around campus, I am looking for ways to make a difference in student's and coworker's lives. Not so that I can receive, but so they can know God loves them.

Most importantly, this is changing my marriage. In my wife I see God's gift of ministry. My love for her is coming not from having m needs met through her (although I won't complain!) but from the limitless love that I am enjoying from my savior. Is this easy? No, no, no, and no. I still have moments, but I am more and more able to walk through those moments and process them healthily. I am better able to love my wife, not because of her behavior, but because I am feeling God's love for me. From that comfort and absence of fear, I am able to more selflessly love my wife.

This is the theme of most 'category 2' marriage books. Love for our spouses coming not from what they do for us, but from who we are in Christ. That is a difference I was able to share with the secretary earlier today. From there our conversation turned to how she can overcome her guilt at falling away and turn back to walking with Christ again. I guess there was a reason God gave me restless legs today.

Great Expectations

The Bible character that I have identified with most during the recovery phase of my spiritual journey has been Peter. Of course, right? Everyone picks a good character. No one ever wants to be Judas or Ananias. Kind of reminds me of one of Kevin Costner's lines in the movie Bull Durham "How come everyone was someone famous in their previous life?" Only, I don't identify with Peter because of his successes, I could only hope to be a millionth the follower of Christ that he was, but because of the relatability of his failures.

In my mind now is the moment of Peter's denial. As he is being questioned around the fire about being a follower of Jesus who is now standing trial in a courtyard within Peter's view. Truth is, Peter was not a follower of THIS Jesus. Peter was not following a guy who was going off to die. As evidenced in the garden a few hours earlier, Peter was ready for a fight - he was a follower of Jesus the conqueror. The one who was going to free Israel from Rome and restore her to greatness among the nations.

Peter was following his expectations of Jesus. Probably all the disciples were. Maybe that is why Jesus was still so frustrated with them and why the twelve were having problems understanding the teaching of Jesus about why He was going to Jerusalem. It was hard to understand because that was not at all what these dudes were expecting.

I did this. And I don't think I am nearly the only one. Some start on their way with Christ following expectations rather than reality. Prosperity teaching makes sure that many are ripe for a quick let down. But others, like me, fall into following their expectations rather gradually - almost imperceptibly - until frustration begins to set in. As I've said before, for me God was someone to be pleased. The way my life was going indicated how well I was doing spiritually. And I then made the gradual shift to following my expectations rather than following Jesus.

It goes something like this - if I'm doing what I should, my marriage will work out and provide me happiness. If I'm doing what I should, then I'll get more opportunities to speak and teach. Peace in my home, a wife who expressly loves and respects me, growing opporunities for ministry, affirmation and approval, these were some of the expectations that I was following. It was pride. That was my root sin. I had traded the truth of Christ for the lie of my expectations. It wasn't health and wealth, but it was definitely a subtler form of prosperity.

That's the lie. Fathered by Satan, that life in Christ will be everything you want it to be. That you can have your cake and eat it too. There is a way to avoid the testing of your faith by trial and refining by fire. I bit on the lie and made my own way, and when things continued to fall short of my expectations I played God and made up my own rules. Lack of trust in God. Pride gone wild.

Christ paints a different picture. This life will have trials, this world will hate us for following him, following him will bring division in our families and relationships, those without the spirit won't understand us, we have to deny ourselves and take up or cross, there will be thorns in the flesh - that doesn't sound like the life of fulfilled worldly expectations.

I knew that. I used to counsel people about their sufferings leading to perseverance leading to character leading to hope. Hope in Christ was not what I was clinging to, it was rather hope in my expectations. Misplaced hope can do nothing but disappoint.

Peter eventually learned this. We all know what history says - he was crucified upside down; he shouted encouragement to his wife as she was lead to her death. Sounds like a guy who overcame his expectations and followed Jesus. Not because of what Jesus could do, but because of what He already had done - dying for his sins, so he could have reconcilliation with God and eternity with Him in heaven. Gratitude for what matters most.

I am grateful for God's love and for second chances (and for third and fourth chances too!). It has taken alot for me to get my perspective back in line - I have had to lose (or better stated, throw away) everything that I thought mattered so that I could see that God is enough - in fact, that He is the only thing. Although it tries to rear its ugly head, my pride has been replaced by brokenness and a first-hand understanding that I am dependent upon God. That makes me grateful for everything even when it's not what I expected.

Being George

I love the TV show Seinfeld. With the exception of a few of the season one episodes, there is not another sitcom that was as consistently funny as Jerry and the gang. There is a favorite episode of mine that I'll keep on the dvr for awhile when I manage to catch it on late night. Putty, his Jesus fish, 'resurrected' radio stations, and him telling Elaine to steal the neighbor's newspaper because "I'm not the one going to hell." Makes me laugh every time.

In another episode, more related to today's blog, George decides after ordering tuna on toast that he always orders tuna on toast and it is time to start doing things differently. He's achieved no success the way he's lived, so he decides to do everything the exact opposite of his first impulse. This starts with ordering chicken salad on rye (is that the opposite of tuna on toast, Jerry says) and culminates with George Costanza chewing out George Steinbrenner during a job interview. "Hire this man!" declares Steinbrenner much to the surprise of the executive interviewing Costanza. Apparently, some on the Internet have more time to waste than I do, for a simple google search turned up the entire script of the episode of The Opposite, including George's diatribe:

Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!

If only doing the opposite of your first impulse or of your habitual behavior was so easy or immediately successful. Right now in my marriage I feel like I am being George. My tendency has been to seeking approval in my relationships. Within my marriage this was no different. As my wife pushed me further away, I tried all the harder to make her happy. I knew all along that her happiness was not to be found in me, just as my happiness was not in my relationship with her, but over time as little things bring relief they tend to become part of your relational arsenal.

Because part of my wife's coping strategy was to assume control, both of us tipped the balance of our marriage away from the traditional roles that God has intended. This is not to say I was a glorified labrador retriever, but my tendency was toward passivity because it kept the peace and was easier to deal with.

Now I'm having to do the opposite.

Of course, this does not mean that I need to hit a guardrail, put on the wife beater t-shirt, and become a ruthless dictator in my home, but a big part of my journey is assuming strength in my marriage and other relationships. This is tough. It is always tough to unlearn old behaviors and relearn new ones.

Especially when the new behaviors are met with resistance rather than instantaneous success. My wife is having to go through the same process. Even tougher for her is the idea of trusting my leadership. She has told me before that her fight is against submitting and having a natural respect for my position as husband. It would be so much easier to travel the path of least resistance.

Of course, not changing would be easier in the short term, but worse for our marriage and our souls in the long term. So for now I continue in the awkwardness of establishing new patterns. It's like having been sitting for too long in the same position and making those first steps with your legs completely asleep; you have to look at your feel to know they are moving. It feels so unnatural, but you can look up and know that you're getting somewhere.

In the Seinfeld episode, while George is on his way up by doing the opposite - Elaine is on her way down. She loses her job. Her boyfriend. And her apartment. At one point she laments "I'm George, I'm George!"

One thing I am trying to avoid in becoming the man God wants me to be, is that I don't want my wife to feel devalued, used, or pushed around. Hopefully as I lead my marriage well, she'll feel free to be feminine. Experiencing trust and security; a couple of the things that God has designed for her to get out of the marital relationship.

Strength is not found in my controlling her or even in making every decision. But in setting up boundaries for our family. In communicating values and expectations clearly. In serving and loving her. Making our relationship my ministry. Serving her not to keep the peace nor for my own approval, but a service that is out of my desire for my wife to know she is loved and that she can follow me as I follow God.

We both have to understand that final responsibility for our marriage and its fruit, good or bad, lies with me. Adam forgot that principle in the garden. At some point in the past I forgot it as well. But God has renewed my passion for my wife, and part of that has come from experiencing the freedom that comes with assuming the proper role. I don't want to play a part. I'm not following a script.

I'm thankful that God doesn't accept me based on my performance because I am messing this up a lot. My hope is for long term change so that my wife and I can minister to others, can lead within the church again, and can impact our daughter with what a healthy relationship looks like. Her future depends upon this too. I'm just looking forward to when it feels more natural that walking with your legs asleep.

The Moment

With one notable exception, I have maintained good boundaries with women. Going back to my time as a college math instructor before pastoring, I would never have a female student in my office with the door closed. If I was in a home as a hired tutor and the student was a girl, I would insist someone else be in the room with us. I didn't want anything left to chance.

As a pastor, I further developed these boundaries. If I had an off campus meeting with a leader that was a woman, there was always three of us. On one occasion, my women's ministry director happened to also work at the church and we were going to meet someone off campus for a lunch meeting. To her chagrin and befuddlement, I insisted that we drive separately. For another off campus meeting, the third person called while I was standing in the restaurant to say she couldn't attend. In that case, before I sat I called the husband of the other leader to make sure he knew where we were, what we were doing, and if that was OK. I wanted to avoid the appearance of evil.

Understandably, all it takes is one failing in this area for all trust to dissolve and perceptions to change.

The lady who cut my hair told me she was uncomfortable being around me. That was the new perception. Several months before that when she began trying to cross boundaries with me, I called her husband and told him he needed to talk with his wife. Turns out she was having multiple affairs. Their marriage was saved.

One of my key leaders of our recovery ministry told me she was uncomfortable talking to me anymore because she felt like she could be the next woman I went after. Before that this woman considered me her big brother.

Perceptions change. Yet, the truth of the matter was that I didn't let the former woman cross any boundaries with me and it never crossed my mind to 'go after' the latter. My mind was always prepared for someone to overtly approach me, either physically or with their conversation, and I had my way out planned.

While my boundaries were pretty good, everything was not perfect. I became pretty indiscriminant with my phone number. With both men and women. Rather than it being reserved for leaders and people my wife knew of, I wrote it down for lots of people in need. Facebook became a nightmare. Logging on would start and avalanche of people seeking teaching, pastoral care and counsel. I've been pretty upfront about my desire for approval and affirmation. If you've read other blogs, you know my pride.

I wanted to be the hero. To solve people's problems. Have them grateful.

While I was hoping for and was prepared for gratitude. What I was not prepared for was to actually become someone's hero. To be overtly respected and admired. To be sought out and listened to. To be affirmed and have someone pursue knowing me in return.

For many pastors, this would not have been a problem. They could have shaken this off like I did the woman who wanted to complain to me about her husband. But for me, these were the things missing in my own marriage. My God given desire was to receive this attention from my wife. I was experiencing an extended drought of respect and attention from my wife, and this substitute, while not the real thing, felt good. Without a proper relationship with God to provide balance, this was the foothold that I gave Satan in my life.

My pride told me "you can manage this, you can be married and have a close friendship with another woman, this actually helps you take the pressure off your wife". That's self-justification in action.

The truth of it is, the more I let myself receive this attention and the closer we got, the more I wanted of it. One boundary fell after another. Right or wrong, my perception was that I had no one else to talk to. I opened up to her. That was the moment for me that I knew things were not right. That was supposed to be the boundary you never cross. Phone calls, chats, visits just to hang out. The foothold was not physical, yet the emotional bond got stronger and stronger.

Eventually the grass seemed greener. Forget my wife. Forget building perseverance, leading to character, pointing to hope. How could God play this cruel joke on me and let me meet this person while married? As I have said before, I was drunk on my sin and I began making the decisions that drunk people make. That tatoo makes sense the night before when you are drunk.

It took God to sober me up. That was the miracle of a God who never left me, never condoned what I was doing, and waited patiently for me to recognize my folly and get my head out of the mud. I think my next blog will be on the miracle.

The pertinent question is: Why will this not happen again? What is different now? Good question.

The short answer is that I am not the same person. My relationship with God is changed, not because He is different, but because I am new. My marriage is different because I am not the same (and my wife too, of course, but we're talking about me here). I trust God. I recognize that it is not my performance the He is interested in. I am experiencing brokenness. My love for my wife is other-centered, not based on what she can do for me. I am learning to communicate out of strength rather than neediness. All my fears are on the table and I am every day operating less out of avoidance of them. My affirmation is from God.

As a practical example, at the college in which I am now an instructor, according to my monthly evaluations I am experiencing statistically improbable success. Especially for a math teacher, among the most hated, student and administration response to me has been unlike any other time I've taught. In the past I pined for good evaluations. Read through them and based my image of myself on what was said. I obsessed on the bad - how could they say that about me??? - and took pride in the good. Now I chuckle at my evaluations and forward them to my wife so she can too. The success I'm getting here is from God, I am utterly convinced. I take it as Him considering me ready.

God has restored my love for people. Not a love of what is in it for me. Just a love because He loves them. I've counseled students spiritually. It is no longer in my mind to be their hero. There are other examples that I see in myself. There are other reasons that this won't happen again. But I hope you get the picture. It's not external. It's not because my marriage is now perfect. It's not because my job is fulfilling or that I have an abundance of close friendships.

God has changed me.

Thanks for reading.