Baby Got a Big Ole But

After I had officially gone crazy, confessed to my wife, and sent a resignation letter to my supervisor, I did not lack for people who had an opinion to give me. The spectrum ranged from the woman from my church who confessed that she and her husband belonged to a group that believed monogamy was not God's plan for men at one end all the way to a close friend who reminded me how good I was counseling people and asked me what I would say to me. (I still hate THAT advice.)

Many people who offer you their sage words of wisdom are those whose advice/opinion you would never seek. Yet, words are free and many people cannot give out enough of them. One theme was pretty much universal (with the exception noted above), I could find no one who would agree with me that what I was doing was OK and justified.

To pretty much anyone who would listen, I would state my side of the case. I had my presentation down pat and could deliver it with passion. Problem was, nobody was convinced. In fact, the routine I was giving was not what anyone was looking for. Rather than repentance, I was giving defiance.

Instead of asking for forgiveness, I was making excuses.

It wasn't so much agreement I was looking for; I wanted to be excused. I wanted people to listen to the uniqueness of my circumstances and give me a pass. Like God had not realized situations like mine would happen. Please, someone, anyone, tell me this is not my fault.

The advice of my close friend was so painful because I remember person after person sitting in my office making their excuses. Either wanting their own way or asking for forgiveness in a way that is really having someone accept their excuses. I'm sure you've heard this too. Or maybe even you are doing it yourself..."Dear God, I am sorry that I did X, but..." The excuse follows the 'but'. And some of us have big ole buts. Oh yeah. But I digress, that is a matter for another day.

Asking forgiveness is not making excuses. It is owning up to our wrong. Minus the 'but'. Repentance means turning away from, making things as right as possible. Taking responsibility for your end. Probably all stuff you know; I knew it. But living it is a lot tougher than just knowing it.

I lived in my excuses for some time. They fed my anger and helped to justify my behavior. It was hard to swim upstream. Took a whole lot of emotional energy. Alienated almost everyone around me. It wasn't until The Miracle that I got the full view of what I was doing.

I really wasn't aware at the time of my miracle how deep I was going to be digging. That the sin God was referring to went way beyond my going off the deep end with another woman. Yet, in that moment I made the commitment to stop making excuses. Not that I don't still struggle with the size of my 'but'... That day was my first step on the journey toward strength. I stopped withdrawing and hiding behind my excuses, and took responsibility for my own actions.

Change in my family system is up to me, no ifs, ands, or buts.