Do Not Be Anxious About Anything

I want to lead my family through this season of reinvention. On the other side, I hope that ours is a family in which we can all flourish; pursuing God with an unashamed, reckless abandon while at the same time experiencing the love that we have for each other. My hope is that our family system will become a robust and fertile soil for all of us to grow in.

Quite some time ago, I identified that the change would have to start with me. Several reasons come to mind, not the least of which is that I am the man, the head of this family that God has entrusted to me. Although, probably even more important is that I am a willing pursuant of relational change.

My wife has accused me of enjoying counseling. That for me it assumes almost a recreational quality. I do admit that she is pretty much right. It's not enjoyment in a codependent way - like I couldn't function if I didn't have my weekly session - but in that I have felt a freedom in learning about myself and coming to understand who I really am. No mask, no pretending, it's just me. This journey I am on is an exhilarating adventure. Change in me cannot come fast enough.

To her credit, my wife has been honest to admit that she is a less willing participant. It is something that I try to understand - God has wired her differently and she also has more hidden and painful things to overcome. Yet, even if she were to be taken out of the equation, my marriage is different because I am different.

The change in me changes our system. Change in me will induce change in my wife (changing her is NOT to be my motivation, but the fruit of the change I am pursuing in myself - that is the problem most popular marriage books invert). Hopefully that change in her will be positive. The resulting healthy dynamic between us will, in turn, induce healthy change in our daughter as she develops.

It would be a wonderful thing if there was some direct, linear relationship among my change, change in my wife and improvement in our marriage. Yet, frustratingly, I find at times the opposite to be true. Change seems to have the effect of making things tougher.

Of late, some of my wife's compulsions (her way of ordering her world through her severe anxiety) have seemed to increase. (Here I do want to pause to say two quick things: 1. In no way am I intending this as a bash of my wife, just a description of our system and 2. My wife is changing, I am just pointing out that the process is different for her.) Some of this has created the feeling in me that things are slowly returning to where they were before - a situation that neither of us found satisfactory. All that to say: I am at times drawn to relational anxiety. Especially when things feel all too familiar.

Yet the most effective way for the change in me to have influence is for me to be a non-anxious responder. I cannot allow my anxiety to lead to an emotional response or cause me to retreat to a more undifferentiated state. Yet, differentiate does not mean withdraw, which I tend to struggle with anyway. So as I respond to my wife's anxiety, as she spirals downward, my goal is to attempt to be non-anxious and present. A task that is tough for me.

But, that is another component of my journey toward strength.

Being non-anxious and present will naturally communicate my true desires - that I want our marriage to work. Nay, not just work, but to thrive. Filled with joy, love, passion, affection, intimacy and acceptance. It will communicate that, no matter how slow the change or how she struggles to overcome, I am not going anywhere. Hopefully though my acceptance and love, she'll be led to understand Christ's love for her better.

That is the picture of strength I want her most to see.