It's in the Suffix

My root sin is pride. One of the ways that this sin entangles me is through a fear of being a disappoint-ment. It seems so ironic that not wanting to feel like a disappoint-ment had a part to play in disappoint-ing everyone who knew me.

For some time I've felt like a disappoint-ment to my wife. If she's not going to follow me or respect me, then it must be because I have not met her expectations. I'm a disappoint-ment. So, when you throw people pleasing into this cruel cocktail that is my personality, you get someone who is going to work harder and harder to win the approval of this most significant relationship.

In my pride, I thought success and happiness rested squarely on my shoulders. And I was failing. My wife and I were farther apart than ever.

That takes us to the irony. I never wanted to be the American pastoral cliche. Said that would never happen to me (careful how you use the word 'never', just be on your guard). But someone came along who enjoyed me. Sought out time with me. Respected what I did and told me how good I was at it. My pride at it up. The things I wanted desperately from my wife were coming from someone else. My heart wasn't prepared for it. Success was defined by performance, and to this woman I was performing well.

I became a disappoint-ment.

Or so I thought.

Even after the change God has worked throughout the fabric of my being, even after the miracle, even after so much of my Wall has been deconstructed, I was still stuck feeling like a disappoint-ment.

It was east to retreat to this place when still so many people defined me by my sin. No being witness to the work and change. After all this time, change, and retooling by God - some still viewed me through the lens of failure. So that's how I allowed myself to view me. (That is the worst wording ever. That's what you get from a blog, I guess. Hope the point comes through.)

I was reading Mark 14 some time ago. After Jesus predicted Peter's denial, He invited Peter along to pray. Pretty intense moment and He still brought Peter along. Jesus knew it was intense; the disciples not so much, they couldn't stay awake. When Jesus returned to them He says "Simon, are you asleep? Could you not keep watch for an hour?"

Even after telling him to watch and pray so he'd be ready for the upcoming temptation, Peter falls asleep. Again. Disappoint-ing. But not a disappoint-ment. It occurred to me...Jesus knew. When Jesus picked his disciples, He knew their weaknesses. Predicting Peter's denial evidenced that He know what was about to take place. While these events were disappoint-ing, Peter was not a disappoint-ment. Jesus knew.

He knew the events in Peter's life that He would have to use for Peter's good. This was not a shock. I would only be a disappoint-ment if Peter's life was defined by his failure.

And the same is true for me.

Regardless of what anyone else thinks, to the One who matters - who created me, loves me, died for me, called me - to Him I am not a disappoint-ment. In fact, the only way I could be is if I let this event in my life define who I was. Rather than letting the forgiveness, mercy, and grace of Christ be the basis for my life.

I admit that it is hard to understand how God would knowingly use this. But He is. It's disappoint-ing, but it will not forever define me. I am not typecast. The change that God brings about will be what defines me.

There is no way I'll find that disappoint-ing.