Spiritual Retreat, Day 1

The university that I work at had the foresight to plan my summer break for the time my wife and daughter went back to school. Since I am alone for the week, before I tackled the weeds in my yard, I planned a personal two day retreat. There are several retreat centers nearby, so I picked one and headed out with a change of underwear, my Bible and a notebook. (Probably, that is an accurate ordering for the level of importance, too.)

Two things have become apparent to me:

First, I am addicted to media. There are no TV's here (which is why I picked a retreat center over a resort), no computer, no books, no wii, just a lake and this desk I'm sitting at. During the day, this was no problem. Hiking and kayaking are fun and conducive to prayer and meditation. but when evening came, I kept looking for a remote control. I JUST NEED ONE SEINFELD CLIP TO GET THROUGH! None could be found, and that is a good thing. But I was distressed at the media DDT's that I experienced in my room.

Second thing I realized is that I'm trying to be the Holy Spirit. Pretty sure this is not a new realization, but it was one that really 'sunk in' as I was reading this passage in one of the two Bibles I brought (yes, I'm super duper spiritual and brought 2 Bibles):

But the house of Israel is not willing to listen to you because they are not willing to listen to me. Ezekiel 3:7a

Basically God is saying "Don't take it personally, I'm the one that matters and they won't listen to me either." Ezekiel's responsibility was not to make them obey, he just had to deliver the message.

It is the same for me in my marriage. Things are different and I want the system to change. It really needs to change, but I am not responsible for my wife respecting me, following me or even knowing who I am. My responsibility is to pursue God. Allow him to work in me and be obedient to my calling. I cannot attempt to play the part of the Holy Spirit too.

My wife struggles. Because of her family of origin issues, she has an inherent though time trusting, submitting, or respecting me as her husband. It often feels like she doesn't want to be married, although in my mind I know that is not the truth. Yet for her, the issue is bigger than marriage. She struggles in these same areas with God.

* Disclaimer - Often I mention other people I have relationships with in this blog. In no way is this to appear as a judgment against them. God knows that AS A PASTOR, I've had a tough enough time sorting out my own spiritual life and issues. This blog is about me and my journey and any mention of wife, mom, dad, friends, or anyone else is strictly for purposes of defining my journey for you, the reader.

My wife's journey is her own. While our marriage does cause our voyages to intersect significantly, I am not responsible for her response to God. My wheels could spin 1,000,000 rpm but I could still not do the work of the Holy Spirit. God takes responsibility for His own work.

This internalization is a relief. It focuses my efforts on being the best disciple and husband I can be. It doesn't take away the loneliness or the hurt I feel at times or the desire for her to meet me where I am, but it is freeing not to strive; to shoulder a responsibility that is not mine.

My hope is that this internalization from retreat day one will translate in a visible way. I've been struggling mightily with my non-anxious responses. Particularly a couple days ago when my attempt to set an emotional boundary slipped away like a greased pig.

A friend of mine told me that his wife has recently noted how his responses to stresses have changed. It gives her comfort and security to see him respond in a non-anxious way to his work related stresses. I can't wait for the day when my wife will note the same thing about me. As I stop trying to be the Holy Spirit and instead focus on following Christ in all situations, acting on my anger in healthy ways.

Thank you God for day one of this retreat. I'm still not looking forward to the weeds.