A Bit of New Vocabulary

It's funny how a single word can have mutually exclusive meanings. Take the word 'differentiation' as an example. In the realm of mathematics, where I first learned and got comfortable with this word, differentiation is the process of determining the rate of change of certain equations. For instance, if you know the equation describing the position of an object relative to time, then when you differentiate this equation you have the rate of change of the position or in other words the velocity.

There you go, a free physics lesson on this pastoral blog. What other pastor do you know that can pull that one off?

It is quite handy to have a vocabulary to correlate with what you are learning about yourself. Lately I have been running across lots of new words to describe aspects of the dynamics in a relational system. Just so happens that 'differentiation' is among them, and also happens to be the most apropos to my current season of life.

I remember as a kid watching a Sunday night movie about Helen Keller. It was one of those things you had to endure as a kid, like watching Little House on the Prairie. The particular scene that I can recall is the moment that Helen puts together the symbols for W-A-T-E-R that her tutor was signing into her hand as the fresh, cold substance was poured on her face. Once she got it, she wanted to know the words for everything. Having a vocabulary and a way to communicate is a very liberating. To a much lesser degree, I feel that same sense of liberation.

It's all about the lingo. Back to the 'differentiation'...the basic concept relationally is distinguishing yourself from other members of the system. As is was explained to me by a friend, it is having the ability to think "you are over there and I am over here, your emotional response is separate from my own." I'm hoping to avoid getting to technical (I've already had a paragraph about math!), so I hope that explanation does the trick.

For me, a rather large component of the journey toward relational strength that I am on is this idea of being able to differentiate myself. A pattern that I have noticed is that the closer a relationship gets to me, the more undifferentiated I become. Some of the ways this manifests itself in my relationships is by people-pleasing, seeking abundant affirmation, inability to say 'no', taking the onus of responsibility in relationships - especially for communicating and planning.

Being able to understand that I have grown and developed in an environment that fostered a performance equals extra love mindset. That helps to explain my need for affirmation and approval. Well, let me rephrase that, because I think at some level, everyone needs that. There is nothing wrong with being affirmed or in wanting that. The problem is when that become THE concern in a relationship and the preponderance of actions are directed at how to receive more.

Hence the people-pleasing. But it goes even deeper. Because of the equation performance = love, if someone disagrees with me or expresses disapproval for an action, though, performance, etc., it feels like love is being withdrawn. Think of how unstable that would make a relationship seem if that became your perception. If you and your spouse disagreed on the gas mileage the car was getting and it felt like more than disagreement, what if it felt like rejection and having love withdrawn?

That's been the source of my passivity and hence my undifferentiation. Anything so that I would not feel like that. One of the results is that I opened myself up to feel unloved in other ways. But I guess I was choosing the lesser of two evils and I had no way foster change without opening myself up to more hurt and rejection. When you don't understand the source (as was the case with me before) or have any vocabulary to talk about what is going on, it becomes hard to identify the right choices. So, I tried to cure myself by 'fixing' the symptoms.

Only you carry the problems into the next context. God told me that change starts with me.

So I'm making the journey.

I'm choosing to trust.

And I'm differentiating.

In any system, if you change one part you change the entire system because it has to adapt. A new balance is created. Problem is being undifferentiated shielded my close relationships from being upset. From pursuing me. Basically from being in a relationship of equal effort. That is a hard course to correct.

While I've noticed a reaction from most of my relationship, in particular my wife notes that I get upset now. Make stands and boundaries that I did not make before. She is having to learn how to respond. This adjustment must be tough and unsettling for her. On some level it would probably be easier to go back to the way things were - even though those ways weren't particularly good. I'm sure it is difficult for her to give up some of the responsibilities that I've passively allowed her to take on. Things that cause her anxiety. I hope that she will begin to embrace the feminine role for which God has designed her. I also hope that I become a better example of Christlikeness that will help her run toward her relationship with God.

I'm looking forward to the new, healthy balance that God is bringing to my relationships. I'm still changing, the journey is far from over, but I am making the decision to trust God with my life and destiny. (That is a differentiated statement, btw.)